real improvements, Identity.

[Drogheda]

so, I've been really starting to see improvements in all regards of my life.

acceptance and CBT is really starting to pay off. but there is another thing, perhaps it's part of CBT but I'm not sure, but whatever.

it all has to do with identity.

I think I've not had one for a long time, or only negative. I guess it does have roots in CBT because what you refer to yourself you will ultimately become. what I have found is our identity is an across the board approach for how we handle situations.

I started thinking of this about 2 weeks ago when I was finally ready to put a blocker on my internet, 2AM-7PM I only have 40 minutes of almost all net time and of course, the nuclear option.

I was starting to think about how I would handle the situation now. my addiction to the net is slowly starting to subside.... this is a new thought so bare with me, but it is having marvelous effects.

it's like, when I identified myself as a drinker I would drink. it was hard to stop because there was no boundry. now that I don't (and I haven't for a while) I have no feeling about drinking, it's not even that I don't want to it's that the feeling for it is no longer there to have a negative reaction.

and this is odd, just like most of this stuff. we identify each-other all the time. it's important to find the self validation in these and scoop that away, identify the problem and set a line of thought. like I really imagine this line, like the old movies of the guy scooping a line with his boot.

so now, I identify as someone who doesn't have to validate my existence on facebook (the self validation talk is a long one but not right now). ya I post stuff, if I do music I put it on my music acount, I use it for work and to identify with other likeminded people (clubs for musicians/producers). so I have identified that is how I'm going to use facebook (besides tomfoolery with my friends that is all outside the wall, I don't even look at that).

and it works. it takes a bit of practice but now that I ever think about going to facebook that line pops up in my head, decision has been made, I don't have to do it. this applies to a lot of other things as well

ahh well just some thoughts.

[dvdnvwls]

Originally Posted by Drogheda

so now, I identify as someone who doesn't have to ...

This identity stuff can be very confusing, and also I think very rewarding and helpful.

What you've said in the quotation above is negative identity. Even though not needing constant Facebook is obviously a good thing and not a bad thing, still, identifying yourself as "not X" is from a negative point of view.

My suggestion is that you keep the idea of not having to validate through Facebook - it's a good idea - but that you consider whether it's really part of your identity or just a useful fact about you.

[Drogheda]

good thought, I'm still meditating on this. but I've done it, well everyone has naturally. I'm starting to think, for myself atleast, getting rid of the negatives that have been plaguing my life and replacing is one major tool.

then of course using all the other tools at my disposal that I've learned. Identity is useless if you don't start acting on it, then it's just self validation... or in that realm.

then there is the perfect problem. maybee you or anyone else has a thought on that. I'll try to explain it but I think you will get it as soon as I start.

the guy who sold minecraft got like 2 billion dollars from microsoft for it, now he is extremely depressed and has no motivation. people who win the lottery get depressed (the lottery curse) and spend everything, stuff like that.

you know the thought that you always have to work for something, not exactly a goal but an ideal that can't be obtained. perhaps you were referring to this. sort of like saying "I'm a student of music" instead of "I'm a musician"

right now I'm listening to some songs on pandora and looking for certain elements I'm drawn to to study those and why they work: student. musician: I'm just going to make music without learning..... man, on the production pages I'm a part of this happens so much, people will just get stuck because they think the music is "in them" and never want to study what makes this or that sound good..... so they get stuck all the time and the anxiety from them you can eat with a spoon, while the other guys who study it never get stuck, or atleast not for long.

anyway, I'm glad I'm not the only one who knows about self validation and how harmful it can be, the lies you tell yourself/others to look cool, just sort of becomes you.

[dvdnvwls]

My reference was more towards the idea that "My identity is that I'm not [that thing]" would end up meaning that you've painted an empty picture of yourself. If you think about it in a different way, all that this non-Facebook identity can show to other people is a Facebook page with nothing on it. Defining yourself with "I don't need Facebook" is, accidentally, defining yourself by only Facebook!

My suggestion is more like "OK good, now that you no longer live by Facebook, what ideas or things do you live by?"

[Drogheda]

Originally Posted by dvdnvwls

My reference was more towards the idea that "My identity is that I'm not [that thing]" would end up meaning that you've painted an empty picture of yourself. If you think about it in a different way, all that this non-Facebook identity can show to other people is a Facebook page with nothing on it. Defining yourself with "I don't need Facebook" is, accidentally, defining yourself by only Facebook!

My suggestion is more like "OK good, now that you no longer live by Facebook, what ideas or things do you live by?"

ahhh I got it.

I won't say I had some thoughts to that, but seeing it put down makes it more clear. thanks

[Swordson]

So pleased to hear that you are making progress. In my mind acceptance is one of the most powerful tools for those of us struggling with ADD, as there are in reality two kinds of effects that we are working to counter - the first order effects, that are the practical, direct effects of my inattentiveness, lack of organization, etc. that affect me and those around me in more physical terms. The second order effects affect me more emotionally, however, as they include my reactions to the first order effects - the frustration, anger, anxiety, fear and apathy that I impose on myself as some subconscious punishment for not being the way I think I should be. That again can lead me to defining myself as lazy, stupid, incompetent, unworthy, etc. which again leads to me seeking all kinds of negative external validation to counter those emotions (online or in the real world.) Acceptance is the most powerful tool I have to fight those second order effects. Achieving acceptance is not a once-and-for-all thing, however, and I constantly have to work on myself to keep it strong, and CBT is an important part of that. Keep up the good work, and as dvdnvwls says, it is just as important to define yourself by what you ARE as by what you are NOT.