should I tell my son about adhd?

[filipa]

My son is 9 and was recently diagnosed which was a relief. A lot changed in my behaviour toward him, and his behaviour emproved as well. We talk openly about the things that are hard for him but i never gave a name to it. Should i explain to him? What are your experiences?

[Caco3girl]

I don't understand why you wouldn't tell him what it was. I have a 15 year old boy and an 8 year old girl with ADHD. They both have impulse control issues, but knowing what they have and what it does helps them to identify why they did what they did.

I'd rather know I had ADHD than think I was bad or stupid, which is what very well could happen to your son. I'm positive at some point in his life already, or shortly, someone will say to him "what is wrong with you?"...wouldn't it be best if he knew there was nothing "wrong" with him, he's just a bit different?

Having ADHD isn't the stigmatize it once may have been. My daughter flat out told her 3rd grade teacher on day 1, "I'm ADHD and I have to take medicine in the morning, but my pills aren't nearly as big as my brothers pills, so that's good." The teacher just laughed a bit and rolled with it. I'm happy my kids aren't ashamed to have ADHD, but I think a LOT of that has to do with the fact that I was open with them and they are open with others. Because really, if they aren't open with others about their weaknesses they can and will be judged on a scale they aren't really on, so how would that help?

[WhiteOwl]

Yes, I think it's good talk talk about it so they have some understanding of how they function and why they function that way. I grew up with undiagnosed ADD and always asked myself why I was the way I was, always feeling different from everyone else, but never knowing why or having a name for it.

I've talked about it with my 13 and 10 yr old, so they have some understanding about it, but they aren't all that interested in it and I still don't think they really get all the ways it affects them. But I try, and as they get older, more interested, and more able to listen and understand, I will be able to give them the information they need.

[Stevuke79]

Originally Posted by filipa

My son is 9 and was recently diagnosed which was a relief. A lot changed in my behaviour toward him, and his behaviour emproved as well. We talk openly about the things that are hard for him but i never gave a name to it. Should i explain to him? What are your experiences?

I often explain to my 9yr old daughter that I understand certain things are harder for her and that i would like her to work on being cognizant of them... and that I did the same things and had the same problems .. and it sucks.. and that I want to help her be aware of and function with it.

I think you should be very open and direct with your child, but I also think that discussing the specific diagnosis wouldn't be helpful and may actually improperly frame how they understand what you're telling them.

[Caco3girl]

Originally Posted by Stevuke79

I often explain to my 9yr old daughter that I understand certain things are harder for her and that i would like her to work on being cognizant of them... and that I did the same things and had the same problems .. and it sucks.. and that I want to help her be aware of and function with it.

I think you should be very open and direct with your child, but I also think that discussing the specific diagnosis wouldn't be helpful and may actually improperly frame how they understand what you're telling them.

Can you elaborate on this? I'm envisioning a conversation with a kid that involves a lot phrases like "You're just different", and "You're not like other people" or "You aren't normal".....which is just scary. How can you be open and direct with a child without discussing the specific diagnosis?

[filipa]

Originally Posted by Caco3girl

Can you elaborate on this? I'm envisioning a conversation with a kid that involves a lot phrases like "You're just different", and "You're not like other people" or "You aren't normal".....which is just scary. How can you be open and direct with a child without discussing the specific diagnosis?

I think it is not a question of making sure they know they are different or not normal - they are not just like most of the people considered normal I believe - it is a question of making them aware of their characteristics and help them deal with it. In a context of him being impulsive and not waiting for its turn and ending up being rude and causing a conflict, saying for example things like: "I think it is very difficult for you waiting for your turn, is that true?" "I understand it is hard for you but X was waiting for his turn and got frustrated when you interrupted, can you relate to that?" Or just "i understand it is very hard for you to complete this task/ to pay attention when there are a lot of noise/indications/no clear rules", etcetera. For the last 6 months I’ve been getting better in noticing the things he struggles with and pointing it to him so he becomes aware and together we try to find easier ways to deal with it. Never once said "you are different/not normal". I believe the rest of the world will be doing that enough. I am not sure if he would deal well with such a strong label... he is very immature. So a lot of that kind of phrases are not in question at all. There is a lot of stigma in my country still I and thing the last few years in school without me or the teachers being aware of his condition were stigmatizing enough... my wakeup call was him start saying all the time he as stupid, not able to do this and that....that was what his teacher was making him fell and he is such a brilliant boy! He just started in a different school now, by the way. I am sorry for the long text but I don’t know any parents of adhd kids and I do fell a bit lonely and tired of talking about it with my family who seems to insist subtly he just misbehaving all the time which is actually my fault because I am not punishing him enough Thank you all. Need to thing about all this... it is all so overwhelming still

[Caco3girl]

Originally Posted by filipa

I think it is not a question of making sure they know they are different or not normal - they are not just like most of the people considered normal I believe - it is a question of making them aware of their characteristics and help them deal with it. In a context of him being impulsive and not waiting for its turn and ending up being rude and causing a conflict, saying for example things like: "I think it is very difficult for you waiting for your turn, is that true?" "I understand it is hard for you but X was waiting for his turn and got frustrated when you interrupted, can you relate to that?" Or just "i understand it is very hard for you to complete this task/ to pay attention when there are a lot of noise/indications/no clear rules", etcetera. For the last 6 months I’ve been getting better in noticing the things he struggles with and pointing it to him so he becomes aware and together we try to find easier ways to deal with it. Never once said "you are different/not normal". I believe the rest of the world will be doing that enough. I am not sure if he would deal well with such a strong label... he is very immature. So a lot of that kind of phrases are not in question at all. There is a lot of stigma in my country still I and thing the last few years in school without me or the teachers being aware of his condition were stigmatizing enough... my wakeup call was him start saying all the time he as stupid, not able to do this and that....that was what his teacher was making him fell and he is such a brilliant boy! He just started in a different school now, by the way. I am sorry for the long text but I don’t know any parents of adhd kids and I do fell a bit lonely and tired of talking about it with my family who seems to insist subtly he just misbehaving all the time which is actually my fault because I am not punishing him enough Thank you all. Need to thing about all this... it is all so overwhelming still

My son also felt he was stupid because the classes are designed for main stream kids, not for kids with developmental issues. Every parent has to do what they feel is best for their kid. For my kids I felt it was important they knew WHY they were having problems with certain things that other people found simple. Their father thinks ADHD is just made up and I should just punish them more too, like they are out of control due to a failing on my part. That isn't the case.

[sarahsweets]

Once my son was old enough to have that sort of self awareness I incorporated adhd into regular conversation..like when he would complain about sitting still in class I would say" Well you have adhd so sitting still is harder for you than for some of your friends". The first few times he asked what adhd was and I gave him the technical explaination but after that it was commonplace talk. I didnt feel a need to have a big official talk with him.