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  #2356  
Old 01-12-19, 05:58 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

I love you guys.

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  #2357  
Old 01-12-19, 06:00 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

I realized that over consumption induces my anxiety little bit but i can't stop drinking
i love drinking coffee, probably i am addicted to it
somehow i must decrease my consumption.

Huggssssssssss psycho


i am watching TLC, i think i need to start an SSRI or Well-butrin again

I can mourn past everyday, it doesn't feel like ordinary morning
also i started to think about same topics repetitively

Well-butrin can help with depression but i guess not anxious feeling also it doesnt treat OCD , i guess . I have obsessive part of OCD

i am not sure , i don't know what to do, but i have significant improvement since last monday
i have appointment on tuesday , i will tell whole week process to my doctor

hopefully i can have final basis treatment plan , i find it hard to wake up at mornings maybe doctor should reduce seroquel XR's dose, when i was in horrible times i increased hopelessly to 500mg then my doctor reduced to 300mg
i guess maybe 300mg is much too, i don't know

but i clearly need new anti-depressant

i shaped a mid-term plan for life in my head
avoid emotional stress
keep doing fitness/bodybuilding , improves mood
try to have a regular sleep

but i am not sure that will it go well or not

whenever i say, ok i start from zero to everything this time everything will be different

but at the end , i always find myself in the depths of abyss

i am so confused , i am willing to hold life and enjoy it

but i also want to mourn , self-pitty and don't want to be treated even at the same time

i don't know, i don't want to put much hope because i always find myself disappointed

i try to change my ways , i hope this time i won't find myself in the depths of abyss
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  #2358  
Old 01-12-19, 06:19 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

I drink lotta coffee myself since I didn't have my 60oz coffee today I ended up w a bad migraine.we love you too pyscho!
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  #2359  
Old 01-12-19, 06:23 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Shame we're 14 hours apart. Makes conversation hard coz of work and making dinner and stuff. Sometimes I talk when I'm meant to be working and worry that the boss sees me on my phone too much
Haha if I lived by you we'd be getting into all kinds of fun trouble probably but yes I do understand life's duties n responsibilities when one has a family
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Old 01-12-19, 06:29 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Hugs pyscho.i know what it's like to miss your mom.i miss mines too she's been gone 18 years in Feb not a day goes by I don't long for her or a good home cooked meal or being able to play a game w her or watch TV or go for a long ride somewhere n get lost.know this tho that we had great mom's while they were here alot of people don't have good folks or they are at arm's w them.
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  #2361  
Old 01-13-19, 12:15 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Originally Posted by Little Missy View Post
A quick burrito-like wrap in the Leopard.
in the Leopard?

What is that?
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  #2362  
Old 01-13-19, 01:09 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
I don't want you to go...

I had a dream, and I hugged my mom...something I never did...and I told her that I didn't want her to go.
And she told me okay.
And we were both crying, but trying to hide it.

And I woke up and or a second everything in the world felt right again.
Only then I realized that she's gone...and she can't stay.

And I've been so depressed all day. I can't snap out of it...nothing feels good. My adderally didn't do **** for me.

I've been weepig and crying on and off. Tears are st about to spill over down my cheekrs right now.

I wish I could give her a hug

Damn it.
Psycho it's so soon still. It takes a long time. It's the chats with Dad that I miss. I always thought he would come to me in a dream and we could talk there but it never happened. Then one day when I was in really bad times a book title came into my mind. It was called Love is letting go of fear. Anyway so strange I found it on the shelf I don't know when he gave it to me. And then I opened it and found his notes in pencil and it was like having a conversation.

I'm glad she still comes to you in dreams so you can talk and I'm sad that you feel so sad now
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  #2363  
Old 01-13-19, 05:17 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Originally Posted by Greyhound1 View Post
in the Leopard?

What is that?
I'm guessing some kind of a blanket?

I bingewatch TLC whenever I get the chance.

there is one giant low cloud here, I overslept because there's no sun and now it's too late to get to the mall before the stores open

and re the other posts, i'm softspoken and if i get my ideas together in a conversation, sometimes another person doesnt even hear me and changes the subject ( not on purpose, but it's very annoying). i love listening to people's stories and experiences, id never get bored if we were all talking in person
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  #2364  
Old 01-13-19, 06:50 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
Since Sunday night I've gotten a total seven point five hours of sleep. In order to get the three point five I got last night I had to drug the hell out of myself. I took the maximums on everything (plus, yes, psychiatrist approved, "crisis plan" dosages of my PRNs) and I'm barely holding it together. I went to IOP group today and basically had rolling panic attacks the whole time. My ideation is full time at this point, too. I don't know what to do and I'm quickly losing hope I'll be able to get it under control.

I was so hoping to cut back on my meds and now I'm worried if this continues much longer I'm going to end up IP. I'm so agitated I come off looking like a meth addict and it's a struggle to leave my house during daylight hours. Though I have been running every morning at 5:15 AM. I mean, I am doing all of the sleep hygiene things and grounding exercises and if I listed my meds you'd think I was trying to drug a brontosaurus. You know what? **** it. I'll tell you the list so you can see how out of control it is right now.

Usually I take:
300 mg clozaril (divided dosage 100 AM and 200 PM)
15 mg zyprexa
1000 mg metformin
80 Prozac
2 mg Ativan (1 mg BID)

Last night?
All 300 clozaril in PM
15 mg zyprexa
1000 metformin
Prozac is in the AM, so none last night but yes 80 yesterday AM
4 mg Ativan over the course of the day
3 mg klonipin (with PM meds)
An ambien when two hours after all the above I was still hyper alert with no signs of tiring...I have no idea what that dosage is because it's my "all hell may break loose if I don't sleep PRN"

I mean, what the ****?!?!!

I told them at group today that I need to either unzip and remove my skin suit or turn my body inside out. Constantly. The other ideal scenario would be exploding into billions of bits so there's fresh air surrounding each cell of my body and be diffused into the atmosphere.

I can't drink alcohol with the meds when I'm taking these high dosages of them, so that's out. I can't try recreational or medical cannabis because, though legal and ubiquitous in SF, my psychiatrist thinks it's a bad idea for me and I told him I'd leave it alone. Melatonin is a ******* joke, guided meditation makes me just writhe in agony trying to "let thoughts pass through, acknowledging but not attaching to them".

There was one time when I had super bad akathisia from prolixin depot that I ended up being prescribed a barbiturate. Literally *a* barbiturate...one pill of something I don't remember the name of but I'd been awake for days and totally chewed up my tongue and could barely swallow my own saliva because I'd bitten it so many times (by the way, that's how I know I'm in a bad way...when I've picked my lips until they bleed and/or my tongue is a wreck). Anyway, that pill worked. I was out cold for, like, ten hours.

Jaysus I'm sure I've overshared in this post, but **** it. Nobody's reading this anyway.

I have a friend coming over tomorrow to sit with me because m has school but he's worried. My psychiatrist is out on holiday until the 21st, which is when my next appointment is...there's always another psychiatrist covering when he's out and I've thought about asking whomever for one of those barbiturates, but I'm afraid they'll be, like, check yourself into the ER and get a bed IP.

I hate this ******* disease.

Oh, and I had someone I'm "acquaintance friends" with tell me today that she "totally knows what it's like" and she's sure it'll improve soon. And suggested I try a weighted blanket.

Are you ******* kidding me?!?!!

First off, no, she does NOT know what it's like. sorry, but when your **** (I asked what her diagnoses were and she said she had never felt the need to get professional treatment for her anxiety. Which indicates to me that it's not the same. Period) is managed by a weighted blanket and you're proudly (mockingly, tauntingly) "drug free", no, you do NOT know what this is like. She's never even been hospitalized for ****s sake. Why I shared with her is beyond me, but likely because we had a play date for our kids and agitation is not something I'm able to hide very well. Or at all. Plus I have no filtering capability at present. And she was, like, you seem really intense today. Is there something wrong?

Yes, there's something wrong! And sharing your strategies for dealing with your non-medication-needing non-existent diagnosis is tone deaf as hell.


This is long and I'm tired of typing. Anyone who's out there, I appreciate you reading if you did. Sometimes I feel like I'm just screaming into a void or a black hole.
Peri I've written about 5 responses to this and deleted them all. None of us can relate to the severity that you experience as everyday life.

You don't need acquaintances telling you how it is.

In terms of sharing it's hard and you need somewhere safe. I dunno if they can make a private section on here for this where you can share safely?

I want to help but I can only offer my progress on what can make life slightly more bearable.

The single biggest thing for me on getting to a point of semi-stability was cutting all the toxic people and abusers out of my life. That meant a lot of family. And learning to spot abusive people to stay safe has reduced my anxiety which can often turn into paranoia. Ideation has reduced for the first time since a far as I can remember.

And getting out into the bush or beach as much as possible.

I moved house too super stressful process but I needed to get away from the energy and associations I had from a place where the biggest mountains of crap happened. I feel safer being away from where I grew up.

I dunno if any of this can help just know that we are all here for you and we do care.
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  #2365  
Old 01-13-19, 07:48 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

The meteorologists hand weather people around me do not know wtf they are doing. 4 different reports/predictions about the snow. Everything from 1" to 2"4" to maybe 6"+. I know its not an exact science but they seem to cover their as*es by saying "we have concerns that this could actually be an overperforming storm". Well, isnt that nice. I wish I could get paid to be correct 50% of the time. I like snow, at least until I get sick of it. I love being home on a cozy Sunday with the snow falling. I may bake today.
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  #2366  
Old 01-13-19, 09:49 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
The meteorologists hand weather people around me do not know wtf they are doing. 4 different reports/predictions about the snow. Everything from 1" to 2"4" to maybe 6"+. I know its not an exact science but they seem to cover their as*es by saying "we have concerns that this could actually be an overperforming storm". Well, isnt that nice. I wish I could get paid to be correct 50% of the time. I like snow, at least until I get sick of it. I love being home on a cozy Sunday with the snow falling. I may bake today.
Welcome to life on the East Coast...weíve got around 2-3 inches and it just started snowing hard again. Iím sick and so not looking forward to the clean up. Iím hoping for a snow day tomorrow so I can rest and shake this virus. (And because I want one we probably wonít get it).

The only place Iíve ever lived with worse weather predictions was the UK because island...there I ignored the forecast and looked out the window...still remember the day of clear skies and random one-cloud hail storm.
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  #2367  
Old 01-13-19, 10:22 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Originally Posted by Greyhound1 View Post
in the Leopard?

What is that?
RL Leopard thick comforter. I like the fabric to look real.
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Old 01-13-19, 11:40 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

I am falling into depression deeper day by day i feel it :/
My appointment is on tuesday
I wonder will my doc offer me anti-depressant or not

If he offers, i will ask him SSRI or Bupropion which one is better for me

I have no strength to stick to life, i feel so weak and empty
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Old 01-13-19, 12:20 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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I am falling into depression deeper day by day i feel it :/
My appointment is on tuesday
I wonder will my doc offer me anti-depressant or not

If he offers, i will ask him SSRI or Bupropion which one is better for me

I have no strength to stick to life, i feel so weak and empty
s Emre, I do hope something helps you feel better soon
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Old 01-13-19, 12:30 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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s Emre, I do hope something helps you feel better soon
Thank you so much , i wish same but it seems like it will be really hard and it will take a lot of time
even if my doc puts me on an anti-depressant, it will take 2 weeks at least
mostly anti-depressants take 1 month to feel theuropathic effects

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