My sister keeps picking fights with me

[cantakeitnemore]

I just typed the whole thing and it didn't get posted..

Anyway, So my "31" year old sister would pick a fight with me (verbal until now) every time we are together. Over stuff like "why can't you answer my questions when you talking on the phone? " , or just make me angry by calling me stupid or something like that.
So today she actually hit me,pulled my hair (I know pathetic right ?) and that too in the corridor, and my reaction was to throw the keys (to her home, because she wouldn't open the door and wouldn't let me do it too, I can't keep getting my hair pulled and open a lock at the same time (thank God nobody saw us, must have been such a funny scene for others)) towards her. And unfortunately, they hit her face. Must have hurt a lot, I'm sure. But it wasn't intentional and a defensive impulse so I'm not going to apologize for it.
What's worse, her 3 yr old was terrified witnessing this barbarian fight.
And I thought I was the only psycho for not wanting to live.

And she "accidentally" called up my mom and she "accidentally" heard her cry and then she called me up. My mom scolds me for wanting to visit her because she(my sister) told me to forget what happened the last time and keep visiting her. I must say its my nephew that I really miss and want to meet everytime
And then the fact that I drink (my mom absolutely hates alcohol and anything about it) "slips out" of her mouth while talking about this totally unrelated incident. And now my mom's angry with me. I know, fml, right?
I'm planning on keeping a distance from her , never visiting her again or talking to her again, unless its very very important, but its just that voice in my head telling me "blood ties, blood ties" and irritating me .

A normal person in my place would "talk" and sort things out in a civil manner ? Its definitely not possible for me. I don't know if its ego or something else.
I feel so abnormal and unwanted right now.
I know most probably, this will be "forgotten" and we would never mention it ever again at family dinners. But actually it just keeps sitting there in your head making it impossible to talk to that person like you did before.
What do I do ? And my BIL tried his best to mend it by calling us both "insensitive", "selfish" "overreacting" "overthinking (is that even a word?)" and in a very sweet tone (I'm only trying to end your fight but you make me sick).
How am I gonna survive the rest of my life ?

[CheekyMonkey]

If someone physically abused me, I would cut them out of my life (and press charges!). End of story.

[cantakeitnemore]

and did I say? she won't say she was hitting me but she was telling my mum how I've caused this cut and given her a swelling on her face.

[ginniebean]

You do need to take some time away from your sister and spend time reviewing your relationship dynamics. Her tattltale to mom is disrespectful and undermines your relationship. She chose to betray you out of spite, that's on her and boundaries need to be set because you can't trust her to keep confidence.

Her aggression towards you both verbally. And physically is also caused by inappropriate boundaries. This is not about blood ties or "never seeing her again", you know that's not going to happen, it's also not about punishing her but rather you need to make it clear that the disrespect, the betrayal are not your fault, and that you directly hold her responsible for them.

This is a boundary problem, and it has become ingrained in your relationship such that it's become normalized. You need to find a way to be stoic, stand your ground, make no compromises on things like betrayal or physical aggression and start to demand to be treated with respect.

Until you do your part, understand boundaries and be willing to enforcement them nothing will change.

[Spacemaster]

I'm just curious, does she have any disorders? Not to excuse her behavior at all, but it just doesn't sound like the type of behavior a typical 31 year old would engage in.

[sarahsweets]

I would tell your sister to go f**k herself.

[sarek]

I think keeping as much distance as possible is the best advice. Of course, that may not always be possible.
And do not tell her anything of significance at all. Also, it might be best if you did not talk about her to any others, like your mother, who also know and talk to your sister. You never know how such things travel around.

[cantakeitnemore]

guess that's the right thing to do, not sharing anything personal.
btw she messaged "i'm sorry, ok". So I shouldn't stay ****** now. but talking to her normally would be a challenge

[Bluerose]

There’s an expression “Don’t rise to the bait.”

Your sister for some reason likes to bait you.

You must make up your mind not to rise to the bait and simply leave here to argue with herself.

If you continue to be ‘hook’ then you both must share equal blame for the row.

[ginniebean]

Originally Posted by Bluerose

There’s an expression “Don’t rise to the bait.”

Your sister for some reason likes to bait you.

You must make up your mind not to rise to the bait and simply leave here to argue with herself.

If you continue to be ‘hook’ then you both must share equal blame for the row.

I really feel this is not helpful, familial behaviour are very entrenched and the most difficult of all relationships to transform. It's all well and.good to take about 'hooks' but it's not real. Those who have not attained an enlightened state of permanence are subject to the vagaries of human nature.

This type of thought adds to self blame for not being able to accomplish the impossible. (unless of course you have reached a state of permanent enlightenment)


There is no need for "blame" and it has no utility. The questions that have utility are those of how to invent conditions where the same old same ol has a more uphill battle so it's easier to take a new path.

[Bluerose]

I understand what you're saying but I really feel it might serve as a first step towards peace.