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Old 07-19-11, 09:20 AM
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Memories That Won't Let Go

Once again, I wake in the middle of the night......after dreaming of my first true love.....which is ridiculous, I haven't seen the guy for about 31 years, but he haunts my dreams......


......We were together on and off for close to 5 years ( and hoo boy were we on and off !, I think we set a record for getting together and breaking up, and then getting together again) we broke up 3 times while he was in Viet Nam for heaven's sake........


......I left the beach area of Southern California for 2 reasons, 1) to go to San Francisco Art Institute, and 2) to remove myself from close proximity to Peter......I thought I could stop that madness if I wasn't anywhere near him ......


......And for many years it almost worked.....then, about a dozen years or so after I first met him, my best friend blew my car up, and I went down to LA, and my dad bought me a truck, and while it was having a campershell put on, went down to the beach and stayed with him for a week.......


......This was a very bad idea, as he told me something that has haunted me to this very day ......."you taught me how to love" ......such a simple little sentence, and how deadly it is .....I went back to northern Cal, knowing that I personally had taught a young man from a disfunctional family, how to love someone .....this is an idea that no woman should think about herself......it gives her false power ......



......but that's another story for another time......this story is about these dreams about him .....when I am with someone else, they die back a bit, but never really stop altogether......just fewer......but when I am alone, oy !....... and in the years since I have come back to the bay area.....and have faced several unpleasant facts about my life and what I can expect from it for the years I have left......those dreams come a couple of times a month at least......



......They are never the same dream mind you, they are stories of Peter and I that never happened.....but my brain keeps making up new stories.....and then I wake up with my heart broken all over again.....they aren't nice dreams where we're together, there's always a problem going on, just like it was in real life, but different situations....


......and I can't do anything to stop it .....stop the dreams I mean ......and I really hate the feelings I have when I wake up ......I seriously doubt that I'll ever see him again......and I really want these painfull memories and dreams to stop.....at least coming so often.....



........I know that a part of me will always love this man, but ........most people remember their first true love with fondness, but their lives are not disrupted but those memories........and I really wish that my memories were not so stubborn and would go away and leave me alone for awhile....
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Old 07-19-11, 09:24 AM
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Re: Memories That Won't Let Go

It took me years to get over mine, and then I dreamt of her last night.

( @ me )
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Old 07-21-11, 02:27 PM
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Re: Memories That Won't Let Go

Laughably enough; my female friends who DON'T have ADHD have this same exact problem. From my own observations; I think they only think of their first boyfriends whenever the current one is screwing up. The first boyfriend is the one who you feel most comfortable with simply because he is the first time around.

It is difficult to let them go, and some part of you never really will; just because of the first go around ideology.

But I will say this: EX-ES are EX-ES for a reason! From my own observations, those who go back to their exes are happy at first, but then they realize why the hell they left in the first place and break up again. It's kinda...cyclical.
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Old 07-21-11, 03:09 PM
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Re: Memories That Won't Let Go

I hope you will at some point also tell us that other story about "you taught me how to love" and why you feel that is a bad thing. But I agree, not for now and lets forget my interruption and carry on.
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Old 07-21-11, 03:16 PM
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Re: Memories That Won't Let Go

I have a similar problem...my first love was also the biggest mistake of my life and yet I keep dreaming about him off and on. When I wake up I feel really disturbed because it reminds me of my past mistakes (he was married...not a good idea...) and he was a coward...

Unfortunately you can't control dreams. The only thing that helps me afterwards is to get up, kiss my husband good morning and get myself a nice brew...
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Old 07-21-11, 04:45 PM
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Re: Memories That Won't Let Go

My first was really bad news for me.... but I don't dream about her... never have....

funny thing is I do dream about a big loss... but it's not someone.... it's the beautiful house I spent several years renovating, then had to sell as my life fell apart pre diagnosis.

My dreams provide my therapist with rich pickings!

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Old 07-23-11, 12:01 AM
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Re: Memories That Won't Let Go

Sarek, there's nothing wrong with teaching someone how to love.....what wasn't so good for me, was that Peter told me that I did.....so I walked around with the great feeling that I taught someone from a seriously disfunctional family ....how to love .....so when I met another guy, also from a disfunctional family, but a far more serious disfunction we're talking about ......


.....I thought, well, I can teach him how to love too......that's the part that tripped me up ......there was a child molester, his grandfather, who got his mom, and then he and his brother before people caught him, or acknowledged it.....I did hear that he was kicked out of Germany before the war due to his proclivities.....( not sure if that's true or not) .....but mom was in complete denial....and he was only starting to remember some of the stuff that happened to him ......



....the whole story is very long indeed, ....but truth be told, I spent a huge part of my inheritence trying to make a go of it with this guy .....like more than half......and he is the one who walked away, I'd still be trying to help him .....
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Old 07-23-11, 12:18 AM
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Re: Memories That Won't Let Go

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Originally Posted by salleh View Post
....the whole story is very long indeed, ....but truth be told, I spent a huge part of my inheritence trying to make a go of it with this guy .....like more than half......and he is the one who walked away, I'd still be trying to help him .....
Have you considered the questions that you would be asking yourself today if you didn't make a go of it?

For me, hindsight always means some level of regret.

I'm sorry you were hurt.
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Old 07-23-11, 01:07 AM
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Re: Memories That Won't Let Go

Oh Yah ......on the relationship I spoke of in the post just above, the guy with the more seriously disfunctional family......while I was trying like h*** to make it work at the time, ( I was stupid in love with this guy) I am very grateful that it didn't work out ......


there's no way that this family can be helped, as they are in denial about the whole thing.....and being attached to them for the rest of my life would be unthinkable......I look back on that relationship and wish I had read and believed that 6 foot done in bright red lettering on the wall......and gotten out a whole lot sooner......



......and the weird thing is that when I was younger, I was pretty good at looking down, seeing a torch burning my hand, and throwing it down and walking away .....( excepting that first true love, and I even walked away from him too, just can't forget him)

.....I walked away a lot.....mostly because I don't think I have ever really found someone who I could be with permanently......I get bored easily, and I am not trying to sound conceited, but there are so many facets to me, and I have so many interests, that most people fit only one part of me ......2 or 3 at the most......


......SO I guess, at 61, I am questioning just how smart that was......should I have settled for and settled down and raised a family ? .....a question that will never be answered......I chose a different path.....and if I had succeeded in that path, I would probably still question it, but not as much as I do now ......


......and I am talking just about financial success at this point ....I have been successful using lots of other measurements.....just getting scared about my lack of financial preparedness for old age ....YIKES .....it's not all that far off......



.......My frame of reference, and my goals have always been artistic, and while it looks like I won't be a famous artisit, I was able to, and continue to be able to, create beauty in many different ways ......and there is a lot of satisfaction to be found there.....



.......Sometimes I forget......nothing, but nothing else in life mattered as much to me as creating......which ever medium I am working in .....from photography to woodworking.....and points in between ......


......That and I don't like to be bored, so I have had that fulfilled too, while it hasn't always been a nice interesting time, there have been some downright scary times.....they haven't been dull.....and I have had more good times before I hit 32, than any 10 people have in their whole lives .....
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Old 07-23-11, 02:53 AM
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Re: Memories That Won't Let Go

Dreams are symbolic, what does this guys represent to you in relation to the things occurring in the dreams.

An aside:

Whenever I am unhappy with a man, I find myself mistakenly calling him by the name of the first man I ever lived with lol
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Old 07-26-11, 03:32 AM
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Re: Memories That Won't Let Go

So weird that you posted this...I almost posted a very similar story myself and then I saw yours. Last night I had a dream about my ex bf. He is actually not my first love...more like my only. I have had several boyfriends but he's the only one I still think of often. We dated almost 10 years ago and he has since gotten married and had children...yet I can't seem to move on.

The weird thing is, I did move on after our relationship - I had two long-term relationships after him, and some shorter ones in between those. But within the last year or so, I've found myself thinking of him more and more. I think part of this is just nostalgia; remembering only the good parts of the relationship. But it was a relationship with mostly good things to remember. In fact, I don't remember one serious fight we had while dating, and it's not just rose-colored glasses that make me say (type) that. Our personalities were very in tuned...we didn't often disagree on a fundamental level, and if either of us ever hurt the other's feelings, it was purely accidental and was immediately made right.

I guess that since I was so young, I thought every boyfriend I had would be that way. I thought our relationship was pretty typical as far as healthy relationships went, and now that I've had more experience, I realize it was actually pretty special. I don't know that I could have made it work, but would I have fought harder if I had known how hard it is to find a relationship like that? Would it have been worth it? I know myself, and I know if I had settled down at age 18, I'd be restless and resentful by now.

It could have only worked if I'd known then what I know now. Since that's impossible, I must have made the right decision. I am a believer in God and fate and I refuse to believe that God gave me one perfect relationship before I was even experienced enough to know what it was. Pining over a lost love might make me a good subject of a tragic Victorian novel, but it does nothing to help me live a positive, fulfilling life. Therefore, I refuse to believe that my destiny in life will not include another relationship at least as good as that one.

That's a lot easier said than felt, however, and the fact is, I've been single for 3 years without so much as a prospect, my life often feels stagnant and pointless, all my friends are married and have babies, and on top of all that pity party fodder, I just miss him.

I don't try to think of him (except right now), but he pops up in my thoughts constantly. I don't know what my brain is trying to tell me other than "get a life," and if I knew how to do that, I probably wouldn't be posting about my ex-boyfriend at 2:30 in the morning.

The last time I felt really good about myself was when I was with him. It wasn't that I based my self-esteem on boys or what they thought of me, but it was one of those relationships that brings out the best in you and makes you feel confident, even when you're not together. I wonder if it is him I'm missing, or if it's mostly myself, or if it's some romanticized version of myself that only exists in my memory.

To quote myself from a poem I wrote, I haven't been myself for a long time since you left me...
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Old 08-05-11, 05:56 PM
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Re: Memories That Won't Let Go

Hi Salleh -

I know this thread's a few weeks old but I just saw it and wanted to respond.

It sounds to me like this you and this guy are what many people refer to as "soulmates." (I know, I know, but bear with me.) It's a term that is grossly overused and that for most people brings to mind a boatload of incorrect cliches and assumptions, so I tend to prefer the term "soul connection."

This connection doesn't mean you were meant to be together forever (and in any case I know you said you're glad it didn't work out). But it does mean that you had some purpose for coming together in this life; depending on the type of soulmate, it might be teach each other something, or to achieve something together, or just to be there for each other during a certain time when one or both of you were experiencing something the other was uniquely suited to help you through.

From what you said (I am far from an expert in this but the events of the last couple years of my life have caused me to do a great deal of reading/research on this subject), it sounds like probably your connection with him was about learning. He learned from you how to love; it seems to me that's one of the greatest gifts you could ever give.

What I think is going on with you is that the lesson you were supposed to learn from him hasn't yet been learned. You said that you wake up heartbroken from these dreams you have about him; from what I have come to understand, that heartbreak isn't you grieving for/missing the relationship you had with him, it's you grieving for/missing the relationship you have with your higher self.

Soul connections are like mirrors, they reflect everything back to you and make you see the best and the worst in yourself, magnifying everything till it can't be ignored. Since the two of you aren't together in the physical, he's coming to you in dreams to get you to look at your life and your way of being in the world.

I had to laugh when you said that you didn't know what the dreams are trying to tell you except "get a life." I have SO been there. I've been dealing with what I now know is a soul connection for well over a year now. (This is the same guy I wrote so much about last year.) I wanted the relationship so badly that I was willing to do whatever it took to grow enough and be ready for the relationship, but I had no idea exactly what I needed to do or learn. One day I'd decide I needed to concentrate on balancing my chakras, the next I'd be convinced that the answer was in being nicer to my mom, the next that the real answer was learning to clean house consistently (I wish I were kidding, but I really did think that), and the day after that I'd realize that nothing was working, I would never be evolved enough, and I had only myself to blame for blowing this. Then I'd start the cycle all over again.

At the same time the universe was throwing stuff at me right and left - I was developing health issues, my dog got attacked, my finances were in the crapper, and I was trying to deal with all of that while experiencing the worst grief and loneliness I'd ever known in my life. Even though at the time I truly hardly knew the guy (my connection), during the time I had no contact with him I would walk home and by the time I'd get about six blocks from my apartment I would just feel this overwhelming sense of missing him. I'd often come home and have to go to the bathroom and turn the water on so I could start sobbing without freaking my dog out.

It was completely irrational on its face (just like having dreams of someone you haven't seen in three decades), but the purpose was to get me to get back in touch with the part of me that he awakened - my spirit, my higher self, however one may think of it. There's a great quote by Richard Bach - "soulmates are the ones who make life come to life," and they do that because they get you back in touch with the part of you that is beyond ego and fear and loneliness and unworthiness, with the part of you that is pure spirit and pure unconditional love.

I've started to ramble a bit here but what I'm trying to get to is this: The very first thing you need to do, before worrying about how to "get a life" is to learn to have absolute unconditional love for yourself. You have to KNOW that you are good enough, right now, that there is nothing wrong with you at all, and that you are worthy of being loved. Sounds to me like you're really being pushed to address this, and believe me, the universe is just going to turn up the volume till you listen. THAT is something I learned the hard way.

BTW, if you Google "soul connection" you'll find a lot of material that might be helpful regarding all this.
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Old 08-05-11, 08:24 PM
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Re: Memories That Won't Let Go

Wow, those are 2 amazing letters...and it's good to hear from you both...haven't seen that much of either one of you for a while .....and been a little worried, i know that you FB are struggling with being a teacher, and having been a sub for about 8 years, I do have a clue as to what you've been going through .....


and C, oh dear girl, I have wondered if you've been ok .....you have just said what you've been going through, but I can't figure out how you are now.....you sound mentally very well balanced.....is that all through you ? ....I have been in a place before where I can sound very together , and my heart is falling apart .....


anyway, first off I wanted to let you both know that I have read what you've written and am delighted to see you both again .....and what you've said takes a bit of thinking .....so I am gonna do that now......but like I said , first I wanted to thank you guys .....


.....I've got some ideas, but need to mull them over a bit ......back in a while ( as in tody or tonight I hope )
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Old 08-05-11, 08:48 PM
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Re: Memories That Won't Let Go

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Originally Posted by chartreuse View Post
Hi Salleh -

This connection doesn't mean you were meant to be together forever (and in any case I know you said you're glad it didn't work out). But it does mean that you had some purpose for coming together in this life; depending on the type of soulmate, it might be teach each other something, or to achieve something together, or just to be there for each other during a certain time when one or both of you were experiencing something the other was uniquely suited to help you through.

.....your connection .. was about learning. He learned from you how to love; it seems to me that's one of the greatest gifts you could ever give.

...There's a great quote by Richard Bach - "soulmates are the ones who make life come to life,"
Wow, just wow....
Obviously I picked the parts that applied to me, but this rings very true to me. In a way I've already realized this in my own situation, but I guess I'm just reluctant to accept it, because there was a time when myself and the woman I was involved with were completely convinced this was It...
but I guess what I need to accept now is that really she was the one who woke my heart up, and showed me how to make it beat again....
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Old 08-06-11, 04:43 PM
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Re: Memories That Won't Let Go

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Originally Posted by salleh View Post

and C, oh dear girl, I have wondered if you've been ok .....you have just said what you've been going through, but I can't figure out how you are now.....you sound mentally very well balanced.....is that all through you ? ....I have been in a place before where I can sound very together , and my heart is falling apart .....

Thanks for asking, salleh. I'm definitely better, way better, than I was last fall. But I would not go nearly so far as to say "very well balanced." Even just "well balanced" might be a stretch, at least right now.

Fact is that right now my heart IS kind of falling apart, although as is so often the case with these connections, it's really hard to sort out how much I'm feeling is due to actual events (i.e., reality), how much is me feeling out of alignment with me, and how much is just me imagining the worst.

The shortest possible version I can give is this: He did finally start coming in to my work again, and we did get a chance to get to know each other some on his visits. It was a really beautiful experience being around him, talking to him, learning things about him and discovering a lot of ways in which we're alike, and I did feel like maybe it was mutual. But very recently, I made an attempt to let him know I was interested, and it went HORRIDLY wrong. Not because of him, but because of me. (He was actually really awesome and understanding) The timing was just awful, and selfish on my part. A few days later I emailed him because I was unclear (in that oh-so-special ADD way) exactly where we'd left things. That was a few days ago, and although I can come up with about two dozen good reasons to explain why he hasn't responded (including that I told him that there was no rush), it FEELS like I've blown it entirely, pushed too hard when the timing just wasn't right, and at the very least done serious damage to the whatever trust may have been developing between us.

Bottom line is that I acted when the universe was giving me really clear signs that it wasn't time yet. My heart is just aching thinking about the discomfort I caused him. He's under a lot of stress right now in other areas; the last thing he needed was me acting like an idiot. And of course I keep causing myself additional pain imagining that I'll just never see him again.

I'm just trying to remember that these connections really do have a life of their own, and that (at least this is my belief) everything that happens is to facilitate our growth so that we can be better equipped to deal with each other and/or with other relationships in our lives (of all sorts, and including our relationship with ourselves). In other words, beyond trying to learn, the only thing I can "do" at this point is to do nothing. That's not something I excel at, to put it mildly, so I think that's probably one of the things that all this is supposed to teach me.

Well, so much for a short version, I guess.
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