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Old 12-29-19, 04:43 AM
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Met a girl, now feel anxious

Maybe not completely ADD-related, but I met a girl during the holidays.

She lives a long way from me, in another country. And only temporarily there, might move even further away further on.

We exchanged emails and then phone nos and have been texting rather intensely. Not intimately, but she's made it clear that it will come to that next time we meet.

I feel quite some anxiety as I'm not sure I'm ready for this...I've been out of a long relationship for close to 4 years and have lived alone (been lonely) ever since.

She's more of an extrovert and seems to want things to happen very quickly.

I fear that I have mis-represented myself during our meet as it was a festive occasion. She does not know that I'm an introvert and need time to recharge, let alone any other of my not-positive traits. Should I be totally honest with her about that?
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Old 12-29-19, 07:14 AM
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Re: Met a girl, now feel anxious

Depends on your needs/intentions here, and on what she wants out of the relationship as well.

If this is only intended to be fun and casual, with no serious future prospects beyond that for either of you (for example, just sexting and light conversation), then it might not matter that you're an introvert.

But if you're looking to start a serious relationship with someone, or your guy's conversations eventually move into deeper topics (like personal stuff) then I would put that on the table at some point in the near future. It's probably not a good idea to withhold a major part of who you are from her, for both your sakes. Remember, the whole purpose of dating is to try one another out, to get to know each other to see if the match is a good one or not.

But let's see what others have to say in here as well.
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Old 12-29-19, 09:06 AM
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Re: Met a girl, now feel anxious

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Originally Posted by BouCoupDinkyDau View Post
Depends on your needs/intentions here, and on what she wants out of the relationship as well.

If this is only intended to be fun and casual, with no serious future prospects beyond that for either of you (for example, just sexting and light conversation), then it might not matter that you're an introvert.

But if you're looking to start a serious relationship with someone, or your guy's conversations eventually move into deeper topics (like personal stuff) then I would put that on the table at some point in the near future. It's probably not a good idea to withhold a major part of who you are from her, for both your sakes. Remember, the whole purpose of dating is to try one another out, to get to know each other to see if the match is a good one or not.

But let's see what others have to say in here as well.
Thanks for your thoughts on this. I did put the brake on things a bit today, and also told her that I'm an introvert. I did not like her response completely, as she made it like I had already committed to us being bf/gf. She's also been very quick on a lot of things, that she wants marriage and thinks we may be soulmates (this after meeting for 4-5 hours).

At the same time I'm flattered that someone actually likes me and wants to be with me. My self-confidence has been flattened after my last relationship and I have hardly dated even, so this is all very new (and anxiety-inducing).

I also hate that I'm held back by my anxiety from something that _could_ be good. I mean, at some point I need to go out of my comfort zone or things will always stay the same. But maybe this one is too far out of the zone? I'm really conflicted here.
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Old 12-29-19, 11:37 AM
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Re: Met a girl, now feel anxious

It's really ok in a relationship where one person is more of an extrovert. It's a nice balance, but then they also have to understand you need time to recharge, etc.

That sounds like really moving fast but as a hopeless romantic, I truly hope you've met someone special.
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Old 12-29-19, 11:46 AM
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Re: Met a girl, now feel anxious

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It's really ok in a relationship where one person is more of an extrovert. It's a nice balance, but then they also have to understand you need time to recharge, etc.

That sounds like really moving fast but as a hopeless romantic, I truly hope you've met someone special.
Yes, I also think an extrovert could bring me out of my shell, and that it could work. I'm not completely convinced yet that she's accepted that part of me, and my anxiety will be another big thing. To be honest, I am scared as h*ll of the thought of being intimate with her. Looks-wise, in my book she is a 10/10, I feel a bit like I am out of my league here.

She does seem like a romantic but there are also other things to consider, like kids on both parts here. If she does move further away, I can't abandon my (now teenage) kids and follow her. Maybe not even in 3-4 years from now.
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Old 12-29-19, 02:44 PM
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Re: Met a girl, now feel anxious

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Yes, I also think an extrovert could bring me out of my shell, and that it could work. I'm not completely convinced yet that she's accepted that part of me, and my anxiety will be another big thing. To be honest, I am scared as h*ll of the thought of being intimate with her. Looks-wise, in my book she is a 10/10, I feel a bit like I am out of my league here.

She does seem like a romantic but there are also other things to consider, like kids on both parts here. If she does move further away, I can't abandon my (now teenage) kids and follow her. Maybe not even in 3-4 years from now.
I think you are way overthinking this and heading down the dreaded rabbit hole of ďwhat ifísĒ. Just try to slow down and enjoy the now. Your imagination of the future will only change the more you get to know her. Youíve only had one casual meeting and are just in the beginning of getting to know one another.

Spending lots of time together is going to be the best way to determine if a relationship with her will be compatible. Thereís no reason to rush or be scared with exploring a potential relationship. Iíve found in my relationships it takes about 3 years for me to really get to know someoneís good, bad and ugly sides that we all have.

Even if it becomes intimate you arenít making a commitment unless you want to. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Iím a ruminator and would also be anxious and conflicted in your shoes. Itís much easier for me to say than to do but best of luck finding what youíre looking for.
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Old 12-29-19, 04:06 PM
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Re: Met a girl, now feel anxious

Sounds like a big red flag someone not knowing you n wanting to get married / say your soul mates after only a few hours..I'd proceed w caution n take things slow
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Old 12-30-19, 04:15 AM
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Re: Met a girl, now feel anxious

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Originally Posted by Greyhound1 View Post
I think you are way overthinking this and heading down the dreaded rabbit hole of ďwhat ifísĒ. Just try to slow down and enjoy the now. Your imagination of the future will only change the more you get to know her. Youíve only had one casual meeting and are just in the beginning of getting to know one another.

Spending lots of time together is going to be the best way to determine if a relationship with her will be compatible. Thereís no reason to rush or be scared with exploring a potential relationship. Iíve found in my relationships it takes about 3 years for me to really get to know someoneís good, bad and ugly sides that we all have.

Even if it becomes intimate you arenít making a commitment unless you want to. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Iím a ruminator and would also be anxious and conflicted in your shoes. Itís much easier for me to say than to do but best of luck finding what youíre looking for.
Thanks for this. You're right, I tend to overthink things heavily. I have now told her we could take it a bit slower. The communication has worked a lot better the past day and my anxiety has subsided a bit.

I'm actually looking forward to seeing her again now. Now I instead start to think what if she will lose interest....hopeless over-worrier here. ;-) But that's what love life is like I guess...

I had actually started preparing for living the rest of my life alone, so I think a lot of the anxiety has to do with unrolling the shell I've put myself in after my last relationship. Maybe gradually I can get there.
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Old 12-30-19, 04:18 AM
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Re: Met a girl, now feel anxious

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Sounds like a big red flag someone not knowing you n wanting to get married / say your soul mates after only a few hours..I'd proceed w caution n take things slow
You're right. Looking back, she worded it more like "you think we could be soulmates?" and marriage would be way further down the line. But she does believe in destiny so...I also like it when people are open with their expectations.

You're right that the proceeding will be done slower and with caution in the back of my mind though.
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Old 12-30-19, 09:57 AM
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Re: Met a girl, now feel anxious

I'm curious what is her name
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Old 12-30-19, 10:31 AM
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Re: Met a girl, now feel anxious

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I'm curious what is her name
Sorry man I don't give out my name or anyone elses...or were you joking? :-)

Either way, I wish you a Happy New Year's (one day in advance).
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