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Old 01-10-20, 06:01 PM
Drogheda98 Drogheda98 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2018
Location: Harrison, Arkansas,
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yo everyone, update on my life!

well, I've been differentiating like crazy, actually started doing such a long time ago only with my ego body. "the self" as in keyword "the" my fingers pointed at me when I say as such.

funny thing happened to get to this point though. so if you all remember the 8 thing, to refresh, 8's for me have been my synchronicity number. I traveled I-80 at 80 miles per hour and arrived at the destination when the odomater on my car read 1800 miles, that sort of thing. before that was when I was really getting into the Theseus myth, figuring out the minatour in my life, which I did. anyway with the synchronicity somehow I knew I had a lot of money in the stock market with my name, which I do. ala the subaru outback, going to keep most of the money in the stock market for the future.

before that, when I was figuring out what that means, that bond which I will not break, for some reason, which, and correct me if I'm wrong, all the for "some reason, somethings telling me" is the unconscious. anyway. I kept thinking of the Beatles, actually have a post on quora somewhere. when I started figuring out the words of the self, it's values, it's ego structure, it's nature, or my values, my ego structure, my nature, my skills talents etc... the therapist and I (I understand the object relations now, mostly, instead of saying my therapist and I now it's the therapist and I) about concertizing concepts and ideals and behavior. while I was out driving in utah and saw the great basin mountain range I stopped and took some photo's and video, when I stopped the song came on the radio "hey jude" is when I first said "it's me and what you all are seeing is" to the others I was making the video's for " I'll just let john lennon and the mountains do the talking.

the song, it was like the Beatles where almost singing that song to me, for how much that song changed the outlook of my life. there was this strange hotel about 20 miles past the great basin, in it, was a grandma and her family, I started talking to others to get to know them, talked to some people at the hotel, it felt like I was at the diner at the end of the universe. I ordered some food and the old woman said to me" it's beyond the bar", so I went through the bar (the object relation thing I think), where I knew she wasn't talking about me but the food prepared for me as in "the food it's beyond the bar"

the next stop I took was at Mount Zion. I can remember 2 semesters ago in college my English teacher was, by his own words "salty". the professor he, not me (cause I've allready done the he as in first person a long time ago) would constantly tell us to look in the mirror, after experiencing the first process I was like "nope". that day, the professor put a lot of Icons for us to identify, and me being me, the curious person I am, I asked him the only icon nobody identified "whats the Z" which he said "there's always one of em"

I found my Z, Mount Zion, biblicly associated, and psychologically associated with the phoenix. even though it's in utah and not the middle east, heh. the first time I went, last summer, I didn't want to hike to the summit cause it just didn't feel right for me to go up their without somebody I love, which is what I told the therapist and relaying to you all now.

some more 8 stuff. a piece of food god lodged in my throught and when I went to the ER, I wasn't chocking just couldn't swallow, the room was room 8, which I saw my literal lifeline, or heartbeat. went to get my eyes checked, the 8th room, when I got my diagnosis there is something wrong with the 8th membrane of my eyes lenses, Theseus, not me but I utilized the myth, was the 8th on the craft to slay the minatour. during pshychology class, miss mell and me would talk after class cause I was completely candid to her about my own healing process and how the therapist suggested I take the class, and she helped me identify some emotions, and the real deal neurotic component.

calendar. for some, the fear of death is an elevator, and I remember now, talking to my counselor at college saying "it's like at the end of scrouged" I grieved the time I've lost, the scientist or whatever I could of been, I grieved that all things die, I imagined that death was a real person and made fun of him knowing full well one day he's going to make fun of me, using every part of my personality I know of to finally get the big picture, my odd sense of humor, music preferences (put on slayer), and some other things, my value in traveling, how I know there is so much more for me to see and experience in the world, so much more for me to do, so much more of myself to know, so much more people to know.

the day after, I ordered a calander online for the new year, started using a sheet of paper for my calendar/action plan, and stopped drinking cold turkey. I started doing things I've always wanted to do, started remembering things I want to do, started the bottom up, or how the body feels, top down, how I think of my accomplishments. after about 3 weeks of doing so, come new year I made a post on facebook about how resolutions are a personal matter cause my bro and me discussed how we got in great shape before, with an external challange, now we are challenging ourselves, we are kind of keeping ourselves on our toes.

the 3rd day past new years I did something I new would work, I did nothing after 4 or so weeks of doing, cause I knew I would have a place on my calendar where nothing was done as a reminder. but the oddest thing happened. at the end of that day, new thoughts sprang into my brain, it wasn't a connect the dots thing, it was an aha moment.

where I figured out the relationship between neurosis, projection, what narcissism really is and hysteria and the big topic transference, I double checked on google scholar and my new insight was correct for the most part (haven't read that much about psychology stuff sense). projection doesn't make anybody a narcissist, ego doesn't, narc's don't have that bond. don't understand that everybody is of equal value, we are all perfect as we are, priceless thus can't be owned, and that even though anybody's individual self is perfect, not so much our behaviors, that we all have strengths and weaknesses, good and bad.

I started to understand all the things I wanted to do cause I started to understand my own transference. every-once in a while I would broadcast outward in information exchange what I meant inward without ego or super ego (the I, the above I). I first got started to get grasp on transference in pshych class when I said "be a better man than my father" and then my professor transferred it back to me so I could attach my ego to the statement.

I started to then to reward myself properly, by doing tasks then playing a level or 3 of a video game, started taking my own health more seriously, on chantex and down to like 30 puffs a day on the ecig, next months my birthday and I made the same promise I did to myself first, my pshych second, and my brother third, then it was to stop drinking alcohol by new years day, and I did so, now my promise is to be smoke-free by my birthday. doing stuff, even writing this down helps.

cause I have a mountain to climb, well hike up, and that's where I'm headed. the mountain is both inner and outer, mastering myself, getting to know myself a lot better, more of my values, my likes dislikes etc, so I can love the person, the self who climbs that mountain first, so I can love other's outside of the family second, so I can make sure (sort of answering my therapist now) they become real. I learned how to cook for myself first (healthy selfishness) to learn how to cook for others, and I'm only really eating heart healthy foodstuffs now days, eggs, fish, yogurt, actually the first dish besides cheesy eggs I made was turkish eggs cecile, which is funny, cause I didn't know the actual temple of Apollo was is in turkey.
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