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  #1  
Old 10-27-09, 03:43 PM
Rune Rune is offline
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OT- Dealing with Loss

I know this is off-topic but I have a question for you guys. How do you deal with the loss of a friend? I lost one of mine yesterday to cancer, and am having some serious issues dealing with it. He wasn't super close like a best friend, but close enough. The sad part of it the kid was 21 days short of his 19th birthday. Freaking 18 years old. He'd been battling it since 2006, and things were looking better till he relapsed in Feb. He had bone cancer and it spread to his lungs. In Feb they stated he was stage 4. It was at that point he decided to go to hospice care because it was too expensive to keep treating it. He never let on that it was bothering him, even up till the very end. He was posting on one of our forums 2 hours before he died. We had all been expecting it, as he had already made it past the 4-6 month estimate, but it was still so damn sudden. Since I found out yesterday Ive been like a zombie. Fine one minute and bothered to hell about it the next. It's just kinda hard to accept that hes gone. Its just a damn tragedy and at so young of an age. Why? Sorry to burden anyone with this, just finding that its easier to talk about it than keep it bottled up. As a guy, I shouldn't be this emotional about it, Ive seen death before, but this is just different. I'm just really PO about the whole thing.
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Old 10-27-09, 05:03 PM
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Re: OT- Dealing with Loss

I am sorry for your loss. I know things like this can be devastating. I had an uncle die young too (suicide), so I have an idea how it feels... It hurts.

Personally, for what it's worth and without getting religious, I like to think of death as just a step along the way. I think that we are all here to learn and when we've learned enough, we move on. With some of us it takes a while, with others they leave earlier, off to learn some more somewhere else. Maybe he's just ahead of the game.
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Old 10-27-09, 05:20 PM
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Re: OT- Dealing with Loss

I am so , so sorry for your loss. death is hard for those left behind under any circumstance but it just is so much more tragic when the person is so very you.They haven't even really had a chance to live.

I went to the funeral of a 19 year old just 3 weeks ago.he was the son of a friend and former co-worker . he was killed in a car accident.

i didnt really know him , he had been away in the military and had been home only a short time when he was killed.It didnt matter to me that I didn't know him personally-- I saw his mom and dad and his younger sisters and brother as they said goodbye and all I could think of was my son who is in afghanistan and the same age as her son. Or if I lost one of my other 3 children. I couldnt imagine that kind of pain.

I cried alot. and I cried some more.I hugged his mom and held her hand and told her how much I hurt for her. Many of our mutual friends ( we used to work together) never alled her or send a card or anything. I called her about a week ago and she told me that she had been so deoressed that she had not only comtemplated suicide, but actually when to the funeral director and asked to buy a burial plot nex t to her son, and she wanted to make all the arrainment even down to bringing the clothes she would be buried in.

She said that he husband and his family had been telling her that she didnt love her son because she couldnt look at his pictures or watch videos of him.

She didnt call me when she was hurting so badly because she didnt want to burden me.

I told her not to listen to them because she knows what they say isn't true.and her son knows her son knew how much she loved him.

I told her she needs to talk to someone and that if she doent want to see a professsional then she should never heasitate to call me, any time day or night. She is condisering whether or not to stay with her husband. they are from Laos and its anagint her culture to divorce but she may not be able to stay if they cant get some help.

There is no one way to grieve.That is what her husband and his family don't understand that she is grieving. she said that she tries to tell herself that he's still just away in the military or something to try not to think but she knows that isnt healthy. if her family would let her grieve in her own way I don't think she would have considered taking her own life.

I don't think anyone can tell you how to deal with the loss of your friend. you greive, cry or scream or plant a tree in his memory. when my daughter was 10 her best friend was murdered and that was even harder than the funeral I went to recently.my daughter released 10 ballons, 5 pink and 5 purple one for each year of her friends life, and she read a letter she wrote to her friend with just the two of us in the park where they played near a stream and a willow tree. My daughter would talk to her friend for over a month after that happened, I'd hear her alone in her room talking and when I asked who she was talking to she would say "Rachel". her dad was creeped out by it and wanted to tell her to stop but I told him to let her grieve. we did see a councelor for a short time but I think letting ehr deal with it in her own way was very important.

I don't know if I have any helpful advice for you but my heart does hurt for you in the loss of your friend.
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Old 10-27-09, 05:21 PM
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Re: OT- Dealing with Loss

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Absent Mind View Post

Personally, for what it's worth and without getting religious, I like to think of death as just a step along the way. I think that we are all here to learn and when we've learned enough, we move on. With some of us it takes a while, with others they leave earlier, off to learn some more somewhere else. Maybe he's just ahead of the game.
I think that is a very beautiful sentiment.
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Old 10-27-09, 05:55 PM
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Re: OT- Dealing with Loss

Unfortunately, this is something that I can speak to all too well. My partner has been doing chemo for Stage Four lung cancer since September. The prognosis bites- the chemo probably only bought him a year... maybe. Still, a year is better than the nothing we would have gotten if he had decided NOT to go down this road.

I have spent a great deal of time trying to make myself as emotionally ready as I can possibly be for whatever comes next. The reality is that we might be able to keep the fight up for years and we might lose the next time the cancer goes on the move again. We simply do not know.

Friday I am going to the funeral for a friend. He lost his battle with cancer three days ago after five years of fighting and staying one step ahead of it. He leaves behind his beloved partner of 21 years and their two children.

I'm a cancer survivor. In the last year I have lost way too many who were dear to me. Sometimes, no matter how valiant the fight, the result is loss at way too young an age.

I don't know any magic words of solace. I completely understand how you are feeling. The devastation of loss can chew a hollow in your heart and leave you feeling lost.

I know that, for me, it is my faith that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other. That said, everyone is different and has their own beliefs. I encourage you to keep talking about it- to us, to other friends, to your pastor... anyone who is wiling and able to listen to you and allow you to feel everything you need to feel. I know that I went through a phase where I was terribly angry- at the cancer, at him, at the specter of death- everything. The idea of losing someone I love so dearly and so young... I want the lifetime that I signed up for d*mmit! And I had to understand that anger was just another part of the process for me. If it is for you, that's okay.

Sortawicked said it beautifully, "there is no right way to grieve." Give yourself permission to grieve as you do, to feel as you do, and to keep reaching out. No one should ever have to grieve alone.

(((hugs))) sweetie. We will listen to you, cry with you, pray with you. But the journey through the grief is yours. No matter how you are doing it, you're doing it right.
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