Why are you not happy?

[Daniel1970]

Originally Posted by userguide

This is interesting: almost all westen hapiness recipes come down to getting free from societal constructs they deem destructive and unfair. Like "guilt", "shame" and so on.

Well, I can understand why. Unfettered guilt and shame, and unwarranted guilt and shame, can certainly wreak havoc on your life and well-being, and peace of mind. It certainly does for me.

However, a little guilt or shame can be useful. It might tell you or clue you in that you've done something wrong that you need to make amends for, or not do again. I think every emotion has some function developed over thousands and thousands of years of biology, and those need to be paid attention to and not ignored.

It's just when it gets out of hand and unwarranted, or really oppressive or debilitating, that one would need to look at it a little closer, and untangle whatever is driving it. I would just ask, is it useful?

D.

[Daniel1970]

I listened to a great talk on YouTube by Denzel Washington on success, which I won't post here because it has some religious overtones to it. But one thing he stressed was setting goals.

A light just went on in my head today. Man, I used to set goals all the time. Annual goals, especially, and I'd push myself to keep to them.

I'm going to write up a list of goals for the rest of this year and really stick to it. Denzel suggests not only setting annual goals, etc., but DAILY goals towards those larger goals.

So I'm going to write a manageable list of annual goals, and then I'll write my daily goals towards each of those in my "mental health journal" (yes, I have one, lol, I need to write s--- down) early each day.

I think a lot of my anxiety is feeling I'm just churning in the surf, spinning my wheels, and not going anywhere in any directed way anymore. A coworker gave me an inspirational talk about not giving up on myself, and I think she stuck in my head a bit too.

Daniel

[sarahsweets]

I should start a journal. I always have these lofty ideas to start one, buy it and forget about it. I know it would be good for me but I always screw it up.

[Daniel1970]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I should start a journal. I always have these lofty ideas to start one, buy it and forget about it. I know it would be good for me but I always screw it up.

Well that's some negative self-talk if I ever heard it! lol

[userguide]

Originally Posted by acdc01

That's interesting. I'm surprised about that. Do you think you'll implode someday?

I don't really know whether I am "happy". I'm definitely not unhappy. How can one tell the difference between being "happy" and not just "not unhappy"?

I think the oncept of happiness is foreign to my internal dctionary. If it's not for the ppl blabbering about it I couldn't care about it at all.

Perhaps, on mechanical level, the low amount of neurochemical I enjoy didn't let me feel it the way ppl do.

I won't implode

[Daniel1970]

Hi addf!

I’ve been meaning to post this great Psychology Today article about silencing the “inner critic”, because it was helpful and it’s something I’ve wrestled with my entire life due to overly critical authority figures and such in my childhood.

I’ve summarized the ways it describes overcoming that inner critic, and I also attached the article link. It basically describes 8 ways to overcome your inner critic:

1. Self transcendence
a. Outward compassion opens the door to self-compassion.
b. Find a reason greater than yourself.

2. Self-distancing
a. Replace “I” with “you” or “he/she” when you’re talking to yourself, for example, about a mistake you may have made.
b. Ask “why” questions about yourself, in the 3rd person rather than the 1st person.

3. Story editing
a. Reframe negative experiences as a turning point.
b. “Today was the day I learned to not do [the mistake].” E.g. “Today was the day I learned not to text that girl 10 times asking for a date.”

4. Self-affirmation
a. Look for evidence that refutes the inner critic’s negative story about you.
b. Say “Oh, that’s just the inner critic again” when it comes up with counter-examples of why you are bad or why it’s actually your fault.

5. See the critic as a PROTECTOR, that is on your side, looking out for your interests, even if it is misguided and overly harsh.
a. Thank the critic for trying so hard to protect you, but then ask it to step back, you’ve got this now.

6. Give your younger self more sympathy and security than it received the first time around.
a. You can actually visit that younger self in your mind, imagining yourself at your most vulnerable age and self-parenting, talking to it the way you wish your parents had talked to you.

7. Avoid the “good person” fake image or persona. Rather, just allow yourself to be “good-ish”, a work in progress who is not perfect and doesn’t ever have to be perfect.
a. Say to yourself: “I’m error-prone and conflicted, yet I strive to be better.”
b. Avoid the “good person” straight-jacket.
c. Avoid internalizing feeling “broken”, which makes you prone to repeating errors. You’re not “broken”, you’re a work in progress who’s learning from their mistakes.
d. Don’t focus on who you ARE, but rather what you are BECOMING.
e. Take risks, make mistakes, and learn from them!
f. Respond to yourself with self-compassion and forgiveness for a mistake, followed by encouragement to yourself: “What can you learn from this?”
g. Share your reflections with others, so that your personal change becomes societal change. This also ties back in with #1, outward compassion builds inward compassion. Transcend yourself and care about others.

8. “Do good, be good.”
a. ACT the part of the person you want to BE. “Fake it until you make it.”
b. Eventually, you’ll be able to say “I guess I AM that kind of person sometimes.” E.g. “I guess I AM the kind of person who’s really focused and responsible at their job” or “I guess I AM the kind of guy who’s not afraid to talk to a pretty girl.”
c. Overcome the protective and disapproving critic that holds you back, and rather methodically work on parts of yourself that hold you back from happiness. Remember to just “get in line for your goals” and put in the work every day, little actions that may not bear fruit until 30 months later, that may seem insignificant now but add up in the long run.
d. Eventually the person you want to become will feel more and more natural. Stick with it! Imagine who you want to be and hold that up as your North Star to align yourself every day. Do that rather than overdo things and expect immediate change. If you fall off course, don’t beat yourself up, rather just begin again.

Thanks guys, hope you all are well!
Daniel

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/a...r-inner-critic