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  #1  
Old 10-06-17, 10:19 AM
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Super disturbing behavior changes in new school

My 16 year old daughter has ADHD and is treated with a pretty low dose (10mg) of Focalin. (The low does is our doing, we have always tried to put "downward pressure" on the dosage, alerting teachers to our plan so that they could watch for behavior changes) We have chosen to shelter her most of her life. She's went to a catholic school until 6th grade, then a more fundamentalist christian school for 7-9th. Then....a new school opened that she just had to be part of. It's a charter school called Snow Pond Arts Academy in Sidney Maine and is performing arts focused. We didn't make this decision willy-nilly; she was getting some bullying and ostracization (as with her previous school) so we thought it was a prudent choice. Unfortunately, the (ahem) "range" of children at this school means she is getting exposed to a few things that her sheltered childhood has made her unaware of. She's getting to know kids that live with grandparents because their parents are in jail, 15 year olds that have had abortions and miscarriages, etc. Suddenly we're hearing hints that she may have deliberately skipped a class to cheat on her boyfriend (an amazing young man). Then the final nail was finding a 5 page journal entry of "shades of gray" type material that she wrote to (???) that would make your toenails curl. The school does not (cannot) monitor the kid's moves because it's at a music campground that has buildings spread out (much like a small college campus). There's way too much opportunity, and I'm not talking about "opportunity for advancement". It's breaking my ********* heart. We're about to pull her out (which will break her heart) and homeschool for the rest of her junior and senior year but I'm afraid this wonderful young lady is going to be pregnant by the end of the week. Has anyone experienced this sort of "alter ego" type of thing going on with their child? What did you do? Thank you.
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Old 10-06-17, 10:37 AM
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Re: Super disturbing behavior changes in new school

Sounds like a 16 year old discovering the world to me. She's been sheltered her entire life and is now seeking out new experiences. (Which is exactly what you should expect from a healthy middle aged teenager).

Yeah, she'll no doubt make mistakes here and there, but that's all part of growing up. Let her experience life, let her make her own judgements and choices. You won't agree with a lot of them, but shes a young lady on the fringe of adulthood. She has to learn from her own experiences, not have those experiences picked and chosen for her.
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Old 10-06-17, 11:29 AM
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Re: Super disturbing behavior changes in new school

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Originally Posted by Fraser_0762 View Post
Sounds like a 16 year old discovering the world to me. She's been sheltered her entire life and is now seeking out new experiences. (Which is exactly what you should expect from a healthy middle aged teenager).

Yeah, she'll no doubt make mistakes here and there, but that's all part of growing up. Let her experience life, let her make her own judgements and choices. You won't agree with a lot of them, but shes a young lady on the fringe of adulthood. She has to learn from her own experiences, not have those experiences picked and chosen for her.


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Old 10-06-17, 12:09 PM
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Re: Super disturbing behavior changes in new school

I don't know, I don't know...it could very well be that simple but then again, it could be the start of a horror show. I'll keep my eyes open. It may be a matter of simply pulling her out and sheltering her some more until maturity catches up with her. I'm using the "1/3rd rule" assumption here. Take 33% away from her real age and that's her "social" age.
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Old 10-06-17, 12:48 PM
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Re: Super disturbing behavior changes in new school

You don't mature someone by sheltering them away from the world. Maturity comes with life experience. If you shelter her away, then she'll never grow up.

I know you want what's best for her and I respect that. But please understand that what you're doing isn't going to have the effect you think it is.

Her social age won't progress if you don't allow her to be social. She needs to have experiences and choices presented to her in order for her to progress forward in her life. Otherwise she'll never reach that age of social maturity.
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Old 10-06-17, 12:49 PM
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Re: Super disturbing behavior changes in new school

Have the talk about safe sex. Encourage her to start using birth control.
It's very common for kids with adhd to end up getting pregnant, or getting
someone pregnant. Something like 4 times as common as most kids.
.
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Old 10-07-17, 04:03 AM
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Re: Super disturbing behavior changes in new school

Please! Do not break her heart by pulling her out of the school

Its healthy to be exposed to different people and lifestyles, better now than when she is living on her own

If you pull her from that school, You will guarantee the full rebellion you dread
Also if the meds help, consider the full prescribed dosage because it will help her and she will be more focused and less impulsive

Also dont read her private things

And yes, birth control. As a father im aware you might not be comfortable with this and perhaps your wife may not be, not to mention your daughter, ask maybe a trusted aunt or older cousin.

Sorry for sounding bossy but if it were me at 16 in a school i loved i would be in much the same situation!

Last edited by stef; 10-07-17 at 04:26 AM..
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Old 10-07-17, 05:35 AM
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Re: Super disturbing behavior changes in new school

ANyone who has been following my saga knows that we have had our own issues with our 17 year old. She ran away, tried to overdose, skipped her birth control on purpose and this was without a sheltered life. This is with a loving tightknit family of us and her brother and sister. She was diagnosed with bipolar recently and it makes sense but I always knew she would push the envelope with us even from when she was a wee one. She recently shaved part of her head and pierced her own septum even though we said not until she is 18. Its so hard to get them to want to follow rules and then when you factor in mental illness things seems so much more dangerous. We pick our battles with her because otherwise everyday would be a battle.
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Old 10-09-17, 02:33 AM
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Re: Super disturbing behavior changes in new school

Do you want to be correct, or do you want to be effective? You're correct that your teenage daughter shouldn't be skipping class to cheat on her boyfriend and engage in unprotected sex, but I don't think that removing her from school will help the situation. If anything, it would increase her chances of doing everything that you don't want her to do.

I don't know what the HIPAA laws regarding adolescents are, but this seems like something to discuss with your daughter's treatment team. Since you're posting this in a forum about ADHD, I'm assuming that you view this issue as being potentially related to ADHD? ADHD individuals have a much higher rate of engaging in risky behaviors, and treatment can help reduce impulsive behaviors. If your daughter refuses to talk to you, maybe she'd be less resistant to talking with a therapist? I'd suggest that you don't mention the diary. That would definitely make her less likely to listen to a single word that you say. Does she have oppositional defiance disorder?
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Old 10-09-17, 08:32 AM
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Re: Super disturbing behavior changes in new school

If it were me I would get the implanted birth control in her arm, and have a talk with her about expectations. She wants to live free, fine, there are rules. In my house you have to have an 80% average in core classes, such as math, science...etc. So if you have a 75 in English you had better have an 85% in math to average out to be an 80% or you don't get to go out.

I was VERY sheltered growing up without having ADHD and when I got to college I pretty much lost my mind with all the freedom and almost got kicked out. I didn't know how to wash dishes, or do my laundry, or cook for myself. I had never seen an episode of the simpsons or married with children or any of the popular movies like witches of eastwick or bull Durham and all because my mom wanted to keep me sheltered. Well I WAS sheltered! Sadly, that meant I couldn't handle half of what my college experience was throwing at me. I didn't understand the jokes, I didn't know how to be "normal", I went through my awkward teenager phase while in colleges. It's not the path I would recommend for anyone.

Kids are going to get it wrong, time and time again. But in order to be adults that get it right they have to figure out the wrong way first. They aren't going to believe the parents, they have to do it the hard way. Make sure she has a safe home base to come back to when things go REALLY wrong, and you might just create a functioning adult.
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Old 10-09-17, 08:58 AM
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Re: Super disturbing behavior changes in new school



Oh God, it was even worse for me. No PG movies. HAD to sit in the back seat of mum's station wagon until I was old enough to drive. I could go on forever, bottom line:

Your home your rules. Period. Just look at her with that boring into her eyes.

Explain the uncomfortableness that comes with a reputation.

Tell her to get a job too.

And do not read her diary, or if you have don't act like it.
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Old 10-09-17, 09:49 AM
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Re: Super disturbing behavior changes in new school

Quote:
Originally Posted by Caco3girl View Post
If it were me I would get the implanted birth control in her arm, and have a talk with her about expectations. She wants to live free, fine, there are rules. In my house you have to have an 80% average in core classes, such as math, science...etc. So if you have a 75 in English you had better have an 85% in math to average out to be an 80% or you don't get to go out.

I was VERY sheltered growing up without having ADHD and when I got to college I pretty much lost my mind with all the freedom and almost got kicked out. I didn't know how to wash dishes, or do my laundry, or cook for myself. I had never seen an episode of the simpsons or married with children or any of the popular movies like witches of eastwick or bull Durham and all because my mom wanted to keep me sheltered. Well I WAS sheltered! Sadly, that meant I couldn't handle half of what my college experience was throwing at me. I didn't understand the jokes, I didn't know how to be "normal", I went through my awkward teenager phase while in colleges. It's not the path I would recommend for anyone.

Kids are going to get it wrong, time and time again. But in order to be adults that get it right they have to figure out the wrong way first. They aren't going to believe the parents, they have to do it the hard way. Make sure she has a safe home base to come back to when things go REALLY wrong, and you might just create a functioning adult.
Your home, your rules. But ... what if your child had dyslexia or discalculia
and that impacted their ability to master a subject and get good grades?

I myself have discalculia (undiagnosed as a child) and struggled with math.
As a freshman algebra made no sense to me At All. Could not do it. Even with
my brother's help. He was 2 grades ahead and he got algebra, but he couldn't
spell so I helped him with spelling.

So by your rules, I would have had to get an A in every other class to make
up for the D in algebra?

By the way ... this was the brother who sexually molested me when I was a
freshman so I was also dealing with that dynamic.
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Old 10-10-17, 08:41 AM
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Re: Super disturbing behavior changes in new school

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lunacie View Post
Your home, your rules. But ... what if your child had dyslexia or discalculia
and that impacted their ability to master a subject and get good grades?

I myself have discalculia (undiagnosed as a child) and struggled with math.
As a freshman algebra made no sense to me At All. Could not do it. Even with
my brother's help. He was 2 grades ahead and he got algebra, but he couldn't
spell so I helped him with spelling.

So by your rules, I would have had to get an A in every other class to make
up for the D in algebra?

By the way ... this was the brother who sexually molested me when I was a
freshman so I was also dealing with that dynamic.
Well we are actually going to see how this works since I am currently having my daughter tested for dyslexia. In my unproven opinion the IEP and other accommodations at school should allow her to get a decent grade. The way schools are doing things now about half your grade is based on homework, classwork, and projects. So if you are doing those things, asking for help, going to the office hours of the teacher and or to the math tutoring after school then you pretty much pass. School grades currently seem to be about effort, not knowledge.
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Old 10-10-17, 12:02 PM
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Re: Super disturbing behavior changes in new school

I must admit that I hate grades and dont think they are fair as far as taking someones' learning style into account.
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