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  #61  
Old 06-22-18, 01:30 PM
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Re: She left

I am so happy that she is safe and agreed to go to rehab! I know you don't want to get your hopes up, I totally understand and I agree, it's just too painful. I'm sure both girls were helped by talking to each other. Sending good thoughts and prayers.
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Old 06-22-18, 04:35 PM
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Re: She left

Glad things are looking up. You are an amazing family.
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  #63  
Old 07-16-18, 02:01 AM
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Re: She left

UPDATE:
Becca has been able to call twice a week for the last month and the conversations have gone well. Even her sister asked to talk with her. The average stay at the rehab is about 45 days so we knew she had to be discharged soon but Friday we found out that her discharge date is this THURSDAY! Of course I went into warp drive...we already decided the day she left for that she could not come directly home for many reasons. After everything that's happened and her not living with us since March 26 and having broken into the house, we would not feel safe yet with her here. We started rennovating the downstairs to make it our room, and then are making our current room into Ella's new room. The third floor that the girls share will then be just Becca's room and if she never comes home..then I guess a guest room or office. ANYWAY..we decided she would have to go to some bridge program and the rehab works with certain sober living places and they work with a good one I have heard about a half hour south of us. They offer IOP and sober living. There is no move in fee and I think one of the rules is she has to get a job and pay rent. I was told room and board is 150 a week which is doable if she gets a job but I have a feeling we will be helping with that the first month.

I didnt want to tell her we had a family camping trip planned because I didnt want to seem mean but at the same time, I had to tell her because she flies in while we are away. Her therapist said this was a good thing because it gives her a chance to settle into living in new surroundings without being bombarded by the chaos of all of us all at once. It sucks that it had to be this way. Then there is the issue of cost for the flight. We do not believe in credit card debt so we have no credit cards. Anything we do that is big we save for so the money we set aside for camping has been allocated. I am embarrassed to say that we asked our inlaws for help. I dont even know how to book a flight anyway and the prices this last minute are awful. Her ticket was 447$! We decided once she gets settled and a job we are going to have her work out paying her grandparents back..but we needed help there was no way around it.

So Now I feel all kinds of feelings I wasnt ready to feel and I have to remember that I am not the one in control. It is not my job to do all the worrying and that at this point, she made choices because she was '18' and an "adult" and some of them have consequences...and she does seem to feel very remorseful. She sounds like a different person and if she means what she is saying she is a different person- and for the better. She hasnt acted like she is getting a car and phone from us....(she won't be) and she hasnt asked for anything other than pocket money twice because she smokes now which I do not care about at this point. There is stuff about her that I know we will be learning that I will not like and stuff about her that we will learn to like but the unknowns with her have been painful.
So That's that. Sober living picks her up at the air port when she gets in on Thursday and we will be home Saturday and we will see what's what.
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  #64  
Old 07-16-18, 09:30 AM
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Re: She left

I'm sorry, I know how difficult this must be for you.
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Old 07-22-18, 10:29 PM
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Re: She left

This must be very hard for you. I hope you will be fine. Stay strong!
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  #66  
Old 07-26-18, 02:16 AM
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Re: She left

She flew in Thursday while we were away on our trip with no cell service. I went into the mountain town and checked my vm and she had left a mssg that she got in ok. The sober house picked her up from the airport and she went right to the house. She has no phone and borrowed another girl's cell to text me. Mark and I decided to go visit her on Sunday. In her entire life she has never been so happy to see us as she was on Sunday. Even as a little girl. She threw herself into our arms almost knocking me over and was crying. We brought her back to the house and she has a 9pm curfew. It was extremely awkward . I need to make a thread about that. I dont know her anymore. We had dinner and took her back that night. We saw her tuesday for a lunch and she asked to come to my meeting that night and then I took her home. We didnt go see her yesterday. She needed to get a job and was hired at Panera and she is waiting to hear when she will start. She is drug tested frequently and breathalized every night. She has to attend IOP 5 days a week and go to meetings. The house is in a residential neighborhood and very nice. You wouldnt even know it was a recovery house. She is saying all the right things but I am so afraid that she will mess up and I need to learn to let that go. I am restraining myself from going into rescue mode and we have family therapy (mark ella and I) tonight.
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  #67  
Old 08-17-18, 05:38 AM
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Re: She left

I saw Becca last Tues and asked her how her job was going at Panera. I know her like the back of my hand and could tell something wasn't right. She said fine but I knew it wasn't. Thurs I found out she got fired. What happened is they have a conversion van that is parked at the house that takes them to their program,meetings and errands. She made arrangements to get a ride to work. It was late getting there so she had to walk and she had to walk on an awful highway. She was late and she said that when she got there they fired her because she wasn't the right fit and had to let her go. This is the same place that called her a breath of fresh air a week ago.... I havent asked her yet but I wonder if she let on she was in a sober house in recovery. She had put veiled references to recovery and sobriety on facebook which I told her not to do because it is no one's business but she is so young and doesnt understand how people can be judgemental. So I wonder if she blabbed and word got out and rumors swirled so she got let go.. then again what if she is lying? I talked to her thurs and she was crying saying how she is so depressed.

She said she is all alone and that when I got sober I had my family. I told her she still has us but it has to be this way because she cant go from living and going wild to moving right back in with us to the same environment that she was in when she took off. I am trying to save her life here. She understands that she has caused this stuff to be this way but I can feel her regret on my soul.

We had her over for dinner on Tuesday and we were talking around the table about stuff she has missed out on and I could recognize what she felt on her face. She is feeling the pain of all that she actually gave up and missed out on and knows she has no one to blame but herself. She missed graduation, prom, gave up her job, alienated her family, etc. I know I had to swallow the regret when I realized the stuff I missed out on like my daughter's concerts and other functions because I couldnt be far away from my alcohol. It was weird when she left because you could see the mood change and that she was bittersweet and sad to go home. And then my husband said when he got there the other girls were out and she went home to an empty house.

I am going to go to an Al-Anon meeting which is a support group for loved ones with addicts in their families. I poo-pooed it because I have AA but I feel very responsible for the emotional wellbeing of my whole family and have spent too much time worrying about everyone else and taking it on myself...its not healthy and this group is supposed to help you deal with things in a healthy way. Worst thing that happens is its not for me and I do not go anymore but why should I have such an ego that I assume it wont help and not try?
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  #68  
Old 08-17-18, 09:09 AM
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Re: She left

You would think the sobriety house would have relationships with certain businesses that know what is up and are okay with it because they can call the house if there is a problem. Many programs have places set up for normal average jobs. I mean they aren't going to be able to set her up to be an engineer, but places like Panera shouldn't be a stretch.

I can't imagine how hard it is for her knowing that she derailed her own life and she did it 100% to herself. I am a firm believer in making my kidsown up to what they did wrong and dealing with the consequences....none of this "They are just kids they didn't know better crap" that I see so many of my peers doing....their kids will be in their basements until they are 40!

My kids know that the rules are hard but they are safe, but my son is a junior and already looking at colleges to "get the heck out of my house"! LOL! we talked, he knows he is safe and the rules are there for his protection and well being, but he really wants to live outside of my rules. I can't blame him, I have a great relationship with my mom but haven't lived with her since I was 17 and went off to college. She had the same rules.
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Old 08-17-18, 10:08 AM
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Re: She left

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Originally Posted by Caco3girl View Post
You would think the sobriety house would have relationships with certain businesses that know what is up and are okay with it because they can call the house if there is a problem. Many programs have places set up for normal average jobs. I mean they aren't going to be able to set her up to be an engineer, but places like Panera shouldn't be a stretch.

I can't imagine how hard it is for her knowing that she derailed her own life and she did it 100% to herself. I am a firm believer in making my kidsown up to what they did wrong and dealing with the consequences....none of this "They are just kids they didn't know better crap" that I see so many of my peers doing....their kids will be in their basements until they are 40!

My kids know that the rules are hard but they are safe, but my son is a junior and already looking at colleges to "get the heck out of my house"! LOL! we talked, he knows he is safe and the rules are there for his protection and well being, but he really wants to live outside of my rules. I can't blame him, I have a great relationship with my mom but haven't lived with her since I was 17 and went off to college. She had the same rules.
That's how things were with my oldest granddaughter, the one with adhd.
Her mom and made the environment supportive but structured, rules yeah.

She left right after graduation, had been 18 for only a couple of months.
We knew she was moving to be with friends who would watch out for her.

It's a whole different situation with her younger sister, the one with autism.
She's 16 and really struggling to stay in school. And though the school is
wonderful, communication this year has been horrible.

My daughter was sure today (Friday) was the first day of school, until she got
an email from the teacher yesterday asking where Nove was. Suddenly we're
informed that there's a new policy about absences, excused or not, so this isn't
a good start to the school year.

Now that she's 16 it's going to be more on her how school goes. If she misses
too much and doesn't get enough credits, she simply won't graduate at 18.
So she can go another year, and that's not what she wants, so we'll see how
she wraps her mind around this challenge.

So I certainly have sympathy, and also empathy, for what Sarah is dealing with.
Some kids practically raise themselves, some are much harder emotionally.
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Old 08-17-18, 10:14 AM
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Re: She left

So I guess my tough love thing works ? I always doubt myself.
Quote:
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You would think the sobriety house would have relationships with certain businesses that know what is up and are okay with it because they can call the house if there is a problem. Many programs have places set up for normal average jobs. I mean they aren't going to be able to set her up to be an engineer, but places like Panera shouldn't be a stretch.

I can't imagine how hard it is for her knowing that she derailed her own life and she did it 100% to herself. I am a firm believer in making my kidsown up to what they did wrong and dealing with the consequences....none of this "They are just kids they didn't know better crap" that I see so many of my peers doing....their kids will be in their basements until they are 40!

My kids know that the rules are hard but they are safe, but my son is a junior and already looking at colleges to "get the heck out of my house"! LOL! we talked, he knows he is safe and the rules are there for his protection and well being, but he really wants to live outside of my rules. I can't blame him, I have a great relationship with my mom but haven't lived with her since I was 17 and went off to college. She had the same rules.
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Old 08-17-18, 10:35 AM
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Re: She left

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So I guess my tough love thing works ? I always doubt myself.
I'm all about the tough love, so I agree with what you have been doing. She can't waltz in and pick up her life again. She made choices. They had consequences. You can't shelter someone and expect them to become a contributing member of society. She learned a bit about how hard it is out there and that her mother wouldn't swoop in and fix it all for her. Good lesson to learn.
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Old 08-17-18, 11:40 AM
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Re: She left

Sarah can I ask why she can't move in with you again? I mean what are the cons? Would she like to move back?
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Old 08-17-18, 12:19 PM
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Re: She left

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Sarah can I ask why she can't move in with you again? I mean what are the cons? Would she like to move back?
I forget the statistics but the instances of relapse are significantly higher in people who go from rehab right back to the environment they left when they were abusing drugs and alcohol. Her abuse started way before she ran away. Plus she broke into the house, lied and stole, snuck out, etc. We would need to see her get some sober time under her belt before she moves back in. We are also trying to be cautious with Ella because she was absolutely traumatized by the crazy drama and chaos that Becca caused. We are trying to rennovate our front room to become our bedroom and then will rennovate our current bedroom to become Ella's room and the room that was shared by the two will become Becca's room assuming all the right stuff is worked on and she continues to move forward. Relapse is not a requirement but it is common in any circumstance but especially when you go from rehab right back to the place you were living. Lots of triggers that you need to be able to overcome and those skills take time.
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  #74  
Old 08-17-18, 12:43 PM
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Re: She left

I agree with you Sarah! Something in her life went way off tracks. If you put the same person back in the same house, same job, same social circle they are going to go off the tracks again. She needs to learn herself, her triggers, and to make better choices.
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Old 08-17-18, 05:12 PM
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Re: She left

My DD never did let my granddaughter move back in with them. She would live with those families that take in young people struggling after rehab...forget what they're called at the moment. She's had multiple relapses and rehabs. She seems pretty stable now and is in college. I have faith in her...she has so much goodness in her, has worked so hard at maintaining her sobriety. And in her case, it's for the best she doesn't return except for brief visits, I think. Part of her problem was between her and her stepfather.
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