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Old 04-18-17, 03:44 PM
Letching Gray Letching Gray is offline
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Clueless in Shame

As a kid, I couldn't do things as others did. I couldn't explain why, either. I'd try but my mind would go blank. The authority figure would criticize me often in front of others, get angry and punish me, and I did not know what I'd done and I couldn't figure it out. In my mind I'd try to go over whatever the circumstances were. But, it was useless. I just could not figure out why or how I'd screwed up. That triggered my descent into ..... (I can't remember off-hand if I'm allowed to use the word that fits.) And by that word, I mean that word. It was humiliating, embarrassing, lonely to the nth degree, paralyzing, mystifying, and sparked bitter, powerful hatred for me and others. It was extremely intense, extremely. I was utterly devastated, didn't know what I'd done and there was no one to go to for comfort or to explain what had happened. I didn't know what happened and I had no way to describe it.

I'm grateful to have been diagnosed with this disorder, that it was discovered in me, that professionals could figure out what had plagued me my whole life, that I wasn't the worst person who ever lived, that I wasn't intentionally being bad, that not everything I was blamed for was my fault, that I had had a good heart and didn't mean to hurt so many people by being a screw up. I'm glad there are tools to help us. Yet, I still screw up and at a loss to explain what happened.

That happens infrequently now, but it does still occur and when it does it reminds me what a tender heart I once had. It reminds me that ADHD is real and that it was devastating to live with it undiagnosed for all those years. It is still embarrassing and humiliating. The terror that gripped me as a kid threatens to overwhelm me even now. So, I think, man, that you survived a childhood filled with those kinds of experiences is absolutely phenomenal. How did I get through those experiences?
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Old 04-18-17, 05:11 PM
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Re: Clueless in Shame

I can't say I didnt know what I did wrong; nor was I often actually punished ( really I'm not impulsive) ; but so often criticized ; or teased, or shamed ; or mystifying favorite teachers and good bosses, and I never knew how i could have forgotten, nor "not listened",

So really yes, I lived a life of secret shame, until I read about adhd, and finding out about this saved me because really I would have had a very serious breakdown.

I'm ten times more efficient than I was in the past, yet every day is still a struggle.
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Old 04-18-17, 09:16 PM
Letching Gray Letching Gray is offline
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Re: Clueless in Shame

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Originally Posted by stef View Post
I can't say I didnt know what I did wrong; nor was I often actually punished ( really I'm not impulsive) ; but so often criticized ; or teased, or shamed ; or mystifying favorite teachers and good bosses, and I never knew how i could have forgotten, nor "not listened",

So really yes, I lived a life of secret shame, until I read about adhd, and finding out about this saved me because really I would have had a very serious breakdown.

I'm ten times more efficient than I was in the past, yet every day is still a struggle.
Cool. Appreciate your vulnerability Stef. So, you know!

"until I read about adhd, and finding out about this saved me because really I would have had a very serious breakdown."

What led you to begin reading about it? How did you ultimately find out you have ADHD and what do you do to address it? Delighted that you are 10 times more efficient than before. That is great.

If interested, let me encourage you to tune into a BBC program, by National Geographic, called Life Below Zero and try it for 10 minutes. It is on Netflix and it is A REAL Reality show. Very, very real, authentic, different and amazing. It is so cool that it demands my attention. FWIW
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Old 04-19-17, 12:17 PM
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Re: Clueless in Shame

This is just my opinion, at least from an alcoholic in recovery:
The most devastating and almost useless emotions are: guilt, shame,jealousy,envy and regret. Some people would argue there is usefulness to some of them but for me there is not. These are poisonous to me. They are not positive things.
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I've always been one of a kind. It just hasnt always been positive.
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Old 04-19-17, 12:27 PM
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Re: Clueless in Shame

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Originally Posted by Letching Gray View Post

What led you to begin reading about it? How did you ultimately find out you have ADHD and what do you do to address it? Delighted that you are 10 times more efficient than before. That is great.
Hmm; perhaps 10 times, was exaggerating a bit
I found out because of a completely random incident; I was reading a blog in a talk show site, and someone wrote their neice had ADHD.

So, I googled "ADHD"

I read and researched it; and starting writing lists; and well it's taken me years (9!) but I am getting there.

I'm still not diagnosed, actually; but I'm really considering it; a colleague has an adhd Dr here (which is rare; it's not much diagnosed in France).
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Old 04-19-17, 02:08 PM
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Re: Clueless in Shame

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Originally Posted by stef View Post
Hmm; perhaps 10 times, was exaggerating a bit
I found out because of a completely random incident; I was reading a blog in a talk show site, and someone wrote their neice had ADHD.

So, I googled "ADHD"

I read and researched it; and starting writing lists; and well it's taken me years (9!) but I am getting there.

I'm still not diagnosed, actually; but I'm really considering it; a colleague has an adhd Dr here (which is rare; it's not much diagnosed in France).
I am so happy for you. Thanks for your response.

I was blown away when I was prescribed Ritalin and took it for the first time. For me, the difference it made was black and white, night and day, 20/20 vision vs. blindness. I could not believe that something was making it possible for me to hear conversations, to follow what others were saying, and that I could organize my thoughts. I had no idea.

I had been called big dummy and stupid all my life. Suddenly, I overheard people saying how bright I am. Blown away.

Best of luck if you see a doctor. "Driven To Distraction" by Hallowell is an easy to read, well written masterpiece.
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Old 04-19-17, 07:08 PM
Cyllya Cyllya is offline
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Re: Clueless in Shame

Compared to a lot of people, I'm lucky.

I don't have significant impulsivity symptoms, and my inattentive symptoms don't usually keep me from getting MOST verbal information.

I already knew about ADHD (friends and relatives diagnosed) before the symptoms started being a huge problem for me.

School wasn't too horrible for me. I think it was less bad for me than for most typical people! (I still hated it, of course.)

Authorities like teachers usually weren't jerks to me. I've heard of other people getting in trouble for fidgeting, doodling during lectures, using lip balm, etc., but I did those without issues. (In fact, it seems that other qualities about me might have contributed to authorities like teachers being biased in my favor.)

My parents might'very been inept, unavailable, and occasionally abusive, but they loved me and did their best. They usually stayed out of the way and let me do things how it worked, and for a few things, I got my way when it wasn't really fair.

... yet this is still horrible! I hate to think how miserable it is for folks without these upsides.

I've even got the guilt and shame: my problems mostly can be summed up as "not getting things done." Sometimes at work, I spend a lot of time not working, which is not fair to the employer or coworkers. My boss doesn't enforce a strict schedule, but when business hours normally start at 8AM and I claim I normally work starting around 10AM, I feel pretty silly walking in at 10:48. In my personal life, my home and car are embarrassingly messy. I neglect things like changing the oil in my car or checking the mail.

I used to think personal effort was the one thing a person always had control over, anything physically possible could be done as long as you try hard enough and long enough. Then I realize the true depth of my initiation impairment, which is effectively "effort impairment."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Letching Gray View Post
I was utterly devastated, didn't know what I'd done and there was no one to go to for comfort or to explain what had happened. I didn't know what happened and I had no way to describe it.
Man, this is horrible. This is what a parent's job is supposed to be.
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Old 04-19-17, 09:23 PM
Letching Gray Letching Gray is offline
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Re: Clueless in Shame

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyllya View Post
Compared to a lot of people, I'm lucky.

I don't have significant impulsivity symptoms, and my inattentive symptoms don't usually keep me from getting MOST verbal information.

I already knew about ADHD (friends and relatives diagnosed) before the symptoms started being a huge problem for me.

School wasn't too horrible for me. I think it was less bad for me than for most typical people! (I still hated it, of course.)

Authorities like teachers usually weren't jerks to me. I've heard of other people getting in trouble for fidgeting, doodling during lectures, using lip balm, etc., but I did those without issues. (In fact, it seems that other qualities about me might have contributed to authorities like teachers being biased in my favor.)

My parents might'very been inept, unavailable, and occasionally abusive, but they loved me and did their best. They usually stayed out of the way and let me do things how it worked, and for a few things, I got my way when it wasn't really fair.

... yet this is still horrible! I hate to think how miserable it is for folks without these upsides.

I've even got the guilt and shame: my problems mostly can be summed up as "not getting things done." Sometimes at work, I spend a lot of time not working, which is not fair to the employer or coworkers. My boss doesn't enforce a strict schedule, but when business hours normally start at 8AM and I claim I normally work starting around 10AM, I feel pretty silly walking in at 10:48. In my personal life, my home and car are embarrassingly messy. I neglect things like changing the oil in my car or checking the mail.

I used to think personal effort was the one thing a person always had control over, anything physically possible could be done as long as you try hard enough and long enough. Then I realize the true depth of my initiation impairment, which is effectively "effort impairment."



Man, this is horrible. This is what a parent's job is supposed to be.
Which ADHD symptoms impact you the most? Impulsivity and attention aren't too bad? "Not getting things done" is a function of distractability?
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Old 04-20-17, 01:56 AM
Letching Gray Letching Gray is offline
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Re: Clueless in Shame

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyllya View Post
Compared to a lot of people, I'm lucky.

I don't have significant impulsivity symptoms, and my inattentive symptoms don't usually keep me from getting MOST verbal information.

I already knew about ADHD (friends and relatives diagnosed) before the symptoms started being a huge problem for me.

School wasn't too horrible for me. I think it was less bad for me than for most typical people! (I still hated it, of course.)

Authorities like teachers usually weren't jerks to me. I've heard of other people getting in trouble for fidgeting, doodling during lectures, using lip balm, etc., but I did those without issues. (In fact, it seems that other qualities about me might have contributed to authorities like teachers being biased in my favor.)

My parents might'very been inept, unavailable, and occasionally abusive, but they loved me and did their best. They usually stayed out of the way and let me do things how it worked, and for a few things, I got my way when it wasn't really fair.

... yet this is still horrible! I hate to think how miserable it is for folks without these upsides.

I've even got the guilt and shame: my problems mostly can be summed up as "not getting things done." Sometimes at work, I spend a lot of time not working, which is not fair to the employer or coworkers. My boss doesn't enforce a strict schedule, but when business hours normally start at 8AM and I claim I normally work starting around 10AM, I feel pretty silly walking in at 10:48. In my personal life, my home and car are embarrassingly messy. I neglect things like changing the oil in my car or checking the mail.

I used to think personal effort was the one thing a person always had control over, anything physically possible could be done as long as you try hard enough and long enough. Then I realize the true depth of my initiation impairment, which is effectively "effort impairment."



Man, this is horrible. This is what a parent's job is supposed to be.
Quote:
Man, this is horrible. This is what a parent's job is supposed to be.
I never heard expressions like that and I want to do more than say thanks. But, I don't know what would let you know how much it means and I sure as hell don't want to tell you that it causes me to get choked up.
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