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Old 10-12-16, 07:37 PM
NateDEEzy NateDEEzy is offline
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life is great

I'm really getting tired of this ****. I try and try to be strong but it all seems so ******* pointless. I mean unless you reach enlightenment, it seems like life is a big ******* struggle and then you die.
What's the point of all this? If life was created by some entity, they must be a sadistic ****. I mean why do we have to be hungry and thirsty? Hunger creates suffering. Not only from not eating, but there's other animals out there that are hungry too and will kill you so they can eat you. Not only that, but there's disease, sensitivity to temperature. It's insane, it's all suffering. Have you ever seen the show naked and afraid? That's existence at its core, and it's horrible. Do you ever seen anyone after the show is done who wants to go back? Nope. And that's what life is.
And even if you get lucky enough to fall in love. That person will eventually either die or leave you, leaving you with emotional pain on top of physical. Or even if you don't fall in love, whenever a family member or friend dies, same thing.
Like WTF? It's ******* stupid. There's drugs, and those make you feel great. But then what happens? Oh the one thing in life that will guarantee make you feel good will come with a low to match the high, or even better, will ******* kill you, or ruin your life! It's like this whole life is run by some sadistic **** who gets off watching people suffer.
I honestly don't know what to do. I want to take drugs "medicine" as we call it here. That stuff didn't exist back years ago and we'd be forced to deal with it. And so I want to use them, but I feel like I'm avoiding the struggles of this life by escaping the reality that always lies in the darkness when the medicine wears off.
I come on this site and post things, but we cannot talk about things like cannabis (despite it being legal in some states, and more and more being medically legal), yet we are able to talk about meth (adderrall) until our heart's content. It's absolutely insane. We live in such a ****** up world on top of the natural ****** up reality of life. I don't understand how anyone can be sane. The teeter between happiness and insanity is ******* paper thin. We derive happiness from stuff and one thing that's promised in life is that that stuff WILL change. The happiest people are those who were lucky enough to have a perfect chemical concoction in their brains that make them high functioning people. But if that person were to have their face burned badly or terribly mangled, or if they were in a car accident and hit their head and lost their ability to be witty and quick and therefore lose their likeability, they fall into the same ******* depression everyone else who's dealt a **** hand falls into.
Look at how those with cognitive disabilities have higher suicide rates. Why? Bc they cannot stop the stream of thoughts that paint life in a **** color. What's the ******* point..........?
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  #2  
Old 10-12-16, 09:44 PM
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Re: life is great

Very similar feelings here. In reality, the point is not what society demands of us, of our time, our energy or focus. The point has become lost in illusion and distraction. Is it any wonder that so many people hurt inside? Look at what we as a species have done to this world, and are still doing to it. We are ALL connected, and now is when more and more people are "waking up" to this fact. We're feeling more of humanities suffering and the undercurrent of pain this world is in. Our cognitive systems are "upgra" so to speak, where it is seemingly harder to go about our day to day hum drum lives here without serving our higher purpose. The higher purpose is beyond self consumerism and working 9-5; it entails being of service, helping in some way shift consciousness to a higher state for those stuck in old ways that no longer serve them. For many, this is a time of self discovery, as to what IS the point, or what IS my purpose? Never have so many been intolerably dissatisfied with the status quou or monotony of illusionistic dollar worship than now... and for good reason!
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Old 10-13-16, 01:00 PM
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Re: life is great

Sounds like a bit of the "suffer now, win later" mentality is plaguing your vision. You can separate from that, but it takes a lot of work, and probably some psychoanalysis. Life is what you make it. If you see your life as something meant to be enjoyed, you will have more fun and worry less about these over-catastrophized trivialities.

Mindfulness can be a great technique to at least get the mind out of the gutter of disillusionment. I believe disillusionment is an important process of maturation, but the individual should not get stuck there.

Medications/drugs are just substances that act on the neurochemistry that already exists in our brain; they do not create anything new in our brain, per se. Other things can do that too, such as activities or looking at an image/scene that attracts or has some significant meaning to the viewer. The world of human commerce has created a new environment for life, as we know it. The distractions we have are the new norm, and the medications we take are often simply balancing that shift out. The medications do not create an artificial experience, anymore than waking up, checking our smartphone, and driving on the free-way to work do.

It is good to question ourselves, always. I am always having to look at what I am thinking, and I have learned from the past that it behooves me to seriously criticize any absolute thoughts or ideas I have on any subject, unless I have clear evidence to back my claims. Now I relish the opportunity to prove myself wrong; it is evidence of maturity. If you look at your post again and re-read everything, wouldn't you also be pleased to find that you are wrong in most of your assumptions?

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Old 10-13-16, 08:56 PM
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Re: life is great

like @Bluechoo said, disillusionment is a major part of progress, i have certainly experienced it (the onset was in middle school), and its frustrating. we live in a messed up world where it seems like every person is out for themselves. a huge lack of empathy and understanding plagues much of society and it results in the things that are so frustrating to many of us, and many of the things you mentioned.

but you can't let this negativity swirl around inside you until it becomes a vortex of doom and gloom or else you'll wear yourself out. the world is messed up, and i wish that i and other people could change SO much of it, but you just gotta.... find happiness somewhere.

this reminds me of the negative thought loops that i have when i'm in a depression. it just feeds off itself and drags me deeper and deeper. until one day i realized, i didn't have to give in. it's all about perception. (my antidepressants probably helped too, but i was still depressed when i was on them because i had unidentified ADHD)

turn your criticism into something constructive.

life IS suffering. but it's also many other things too. looking for the Good in the world doesnt mean you dont care/are ignoring the Bad. everything is a balance, even though sometimes it might not seem like it.

and, this is just my opinion/experience, but i dont think any person's brain or life experience is "perfect." we all face these struggles, and handle them in different ways. a lot of those people that you see as "high functioning" might actually be repressing some **** that's gonna come back to them in the future. i'd consider this, in some cases, to be a mid-life crisis. or just an explosion, after bottling things up. no one is perfectly healthy, but some of us do have to work harder than others.

we're just more sensitive to the pain and suffering and mundane-ity that everyone is subject to. but we also have the ability to change that. and if you need a chemical boost by taking medicines (natural or pharm) to do it, then thats ok too. but if you're using drugs to escape from a dark reality, it might be good to consider something that has more lasting effects. if you self-medicate naturally, you're trying to up your dopamine levels, consciously or not. look into meds that will help elevate those levels (non-SSRI antidepressants). it helped take me off my dependency on smoking MAJORLY.
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Old 10-14-16, 09:02 AM
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Re: life is great



((((((((((((((NATE))))))))))))))

I struggle with these kinds of heavy, dark thoughts sometimes myself.

I'm really glad you come here to vent. I've no idea if it helps you or not, but I think it's good nonetheless.

I do a great deal of distracting myself to keep me away from these thoughts. There's nothing good about me sitting with these thoughts for any amount of time. They tint my world and can make things feel so pointless...inescapable. These thoughts crush hope.
It's just not a good place to be.

Distraction, and sleep...those are the 2 best things I've got to fight off these kinds of thoughts.

(((((((Nate)))))))

I'm sorry these thoughts are tainting your world so darkly right now in your life .
Hope you keep coming and sharing.
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Old 10-14-16, 10:02 AM
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Re: life is great

nate, I hope coming here and venting those feelings has helped you feel better
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Old 10-16-16, 09:59 AM
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Re: life is great

I so recognize your story NateDEEzy (although my story would be different).
It is true: those thoughts are not helping in any way. They may appear as totally logical explanations, and they can be, but they are not helpful for ones well being. I know that rationally, but it's hard to see that when in the middle of it, or balancing on the side. It can be so hard to connect to your true self when feeling like that.

Thinking out loud (partially to myself): could it be helpful to see yourself as a business or foundation of some sort? Profit or non-profit, online or irl, whatever, a company that you want to see succeeding, thriving, bursting from energy. Let's say there are certain customers that come in your store a lot, they smell, make loud noises, look unfriendly, spit on the floor, make negative comments all the time. Would you let them in tomorrow?
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Old 10-16-16, 06:05 PM
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Re: life is great

I will simply say this:
  • My mother died in 2009.
  • My father died in February 2014.
  • My oldest brother died in November 2014.
  • My other brother died in November 2015.

Was I devastated by my mother's death? (It was the first and probably the hardest.)
Absolutely!

Was I also deeply happy that I got a chance to know her for 47 years?
Totally!

Does the pain and despair I experienced from her death overwhelm and cancel out the richness of the life I had with her?
No f-ing way. Not even close.

My mother, for me, lives on in the guidance and wisdom she gave me, in the love she gave me, in the hopes she had for me, in the stories she told me, in the silliness she shared with me.

Same thing with my father and my two brothers who died within 22 months of each other. I'm SO GLAD I got to know them. Their deaths do not cancel out their lives. It' s not even close.

I'll add this: even early in the grief process, at the funerals for all these folks, it was crystal clear in my mind and in heart their presence in my life was a gift. My parents didn't suffer at their deaths. One of my brothers did suffer at the end, badly so. The other died suddenly. So when I think of all their deaths, I spend 90 percent of my time remembering good things they did, great qualities they had. Yes, I remember ways they drove me crazy as well.

The bottom line is that the deaths of my family members do not cancel out their lives and the richness of their lives. And this goes as well for people I did not know but whom I'm inspired by, like Martin Luther King Jr. I know they all had to die, but I'm so glad that they lived.

Just my two cents.

Tone
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Old 10-16-16, 06:10 PM
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Re: life is great

Oy,it could be SO much worse. SO much worse.

It is not all that bad.
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Old 10-16-16, 10:11 PM
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Re: life is great

Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Missy View Post
Oy,it could be SO much worse. SO much worse.

It is not all that bad.
I just hate that that's even a sentence we have to say in this reality.

I'm just so discouraged by my inner urge to understand life and feeling like I fail at it.

For example, I realize that we aren't our bodies. Our bodies are something we live within to have this experience on Earth. Yet, I'm still so controlled by my bodily urges. I could never date someone I don't find attractive despite knowing within that that person isn't that body, nor did they choose to be that body, no more than any other person on this earth. Yet our body determines so much of how people treat us in this life, and not minding what others think is something I can't seem to overcome..
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Old 10-17-16, 11:09 PM
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Re: life is great

Quote:
Originally Posted by NateDEEzy View Post
I just hate that that's even a sentence we have to say in this reality.

I'm just so discouraged by my inner urge to understand life and feeling like I fail at it.

For example, I realize that we aren't our bodies. Our bodies are something we live within to have this experience on Earth. Yet, I'm still so controlled by my bodily urges. I could never date someone I don't find attractive despite knowing within that that person isn't that body, nor did they choose to be that body, no more than any other person on this earth. Yet our body determines so much of how people treat us in this life, and not minding what others think is something I can't seem to overcome..
the physical attraction versus personality thing is so hard for me to reconcile!! i feel like a bad person because of it a lot of the time. it takes attraction to their looks and to their personality for me to be interested, and i often just become platonic friends with those that i'm not as attracted to ):

but usually once i become friends with someone, i'll start to become more attracted to them in all ways, so it varies.
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Old 10-18-16, 03:33 AM
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Re: life is great

[quote=NateDEEzy;1844071]
Quote:
I come on this site and post things, but we cannot talk about things like cannabis (despite it being legal in some states, and more and more being medically legal), yet we are able to talk about meth (adderrall) until our heart's content.
Im sure you didnt mean it this way, but I get ruffled when people refer to adderall or other amphetamines as meth. They are not the same. That said, I agree with you that talking about cannabis should be allowed if one has a prescription for it. I am hoping they update things soon for those that are prescribed medical MJ.


I hear and want to validate the rage, pain, disgust, shame, guilt, anger, hurt, fear, and exasperation you have shared.
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Old 10-18-16, 10:22 PM
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Re: life is great

On the dating & attraction issue, in my experience there is no such thing as happily dating someone you're not attracted to. I've done that, and in each case, I have ended up treating the other person poorly and they felt my lack of attraction and felt hurt by it. There is simply no way to fake attraction. Doesn't work. In fact, faking it only confuses the other person who can't match our warm words with our cold and distant body language. And this confusion can have a horrible effect later because the other person can't really "learn" anything from a relationship with us because they don't have key information (that we weren't viscerally drawn to them in the first place).

I've also been on the other end, where woman I was dating turned out not to be attracted to me. The result: being with me was work for her., and I could feel that. She was was always slow to respond. Good words were often missing. The body language (hers) wasn't right. And I had constant insecurity, though I couldn't put my hands on why.

The good news is attraction can develop in ways we can't predict. I have developed attraction to people who initially I didn't think were all that pretty or interesting to be around. Once I've gotten to know them better or socialize with them in a particular way or have a vulnerable conversation, I've noticed that things can shift and new feelings can emerge.

If I don't find a particular person attractive, that's fine. I want to let that person keep moving to find someone who does find them attractive. And if they don't find me attractive, I want them to tell me (in so many words) to keep moving.

I don't think you have anything to feel bad about. If you're worried about being shallow, then spend more time with a wider range of people. And note: there is nothing more sobering than dating someone who looks beautiful but who has no other great qualities. Do that a couple of times, and trust me: you'll find yourself interested in a wider range of people.

I also reject the ADHD amphetamines to Crystal Meth comparison. The Crystal Meth epidemic is about chasing a high ... for hours and hours, sometimes days at a time. Dose makes the medicine.

We Adderall/Vyvanse/Dexedrine/Desoxyn users take the medication with a prescription, under medical supervision, under DEA regulation, and we're trying to focus and concentrate and live, not get high for days at a time.

We want to meet deadlines and keep our jobs, finish school, graduate, get promoted, avoid getting fired. We want to finish basic tasks and escape feeling like a failure.

We're not chasing a high. We're trying to live in ways that don't exhaust us and frustrate us.

Tune
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Old 10-19-16, 07:09 PM
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Re: life is great

Quote:
Originally Posted by ToneTone View Post
On the dating & attraction issue, in my experience there is no such thing as happily dating someone you're not attracted to. I've done that, and in each case, I have ended up treating the other person poorly and they felt my lack of attraction and felt hurt by it. There is simply no way to fake attraction. Doesn't work. In fact, faking it only confuses the other person who can't match our warm words with our cold and distant body language. And this confusion can have a horrible effect later because the other person can't really "learn" anything from a relationship with us because they don't have key information (that we weren't viscerally drawn to them in the first place).

I've also been on the other end, where woman I was dating turned out not to be attracted to me. The result: being with me was work for her., and I could feel that. She was was always slow to respond. Good words were often missing. The body language (hers) wasn't right. And I had constant insecurity, though I couldn't put my hands on why.

The good news is attraction can develop in ways we can't predict. I have developed attraction to people who initially I didn't think were all that pretty or interesting to be around. Once I've gotten to know them better or socialize with them in a particular way or have a vulnerable conversation, I've noticed that things can shift and new feelings can emerge.

If I don't find a particular person attractive, that's fine. I want to let that person keep moving to find someone who does find them attractive. And if they don't find me attractive, I want them to tell me (in so many words) to keep moving.

I don't think you have anything to feel bad about. If you're worried about being shallow, then spend more time with a wider range of people. And note: there is nothing more sobering than dating someone who looks beautiful but who has no other great qualities. Do that a couple of times, and trust me: you'll find yourself interested in a wider range of people.

Tune
It's just I feel controlled by something that I don't want to be controlled by. For example, if I were blind, someone I might not normally like bc of looks, I'd be more than thrilled if they liked me. What is it that creates these standards within us? Isn't it the same thing within us that's never happy and always wants more? it's dissatisfaction. But the thing is, if we just always settled, we'd never create great things that make life better. And so it seems so good and then also so bad. It's such a strange world. I think I struggle with trying to understand it when in all likelihood it's impossible to understand.
But then I think about how there's so much intelligence woven in life that there must be something more beyond it all. And Jesus said, ye shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free. It's just overwhelming. Maybe the key is just total surrender. Maybe I'm so exhausted all the time bc I'm always anxious inside to find the answer, get somewhere else, fix my problems, instead of just allowing it all the unfold without needing to know of fix anything. Maybe that's the paradox to actually usher in a solution to my problems and the answers to be unveiled to me instead of trying to exhaustively figure them out with personal effort..?
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Old 10-19-16, 08:57 PM
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Re: life is great

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Originally Posted by Little Missy View Post
Oy,it could be SO much worse. SO much worse.

It is not all that bad.
I sure didn't mean for that answer to seem so trite but that answer is the only thing that gets me through. It reads so Pollyanna-ish. But I think of it as relative to me being able to do the best that I can every day.
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