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Old 09-02-18, 07:51 PM
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psychopathetic psychopathetic is offline
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Bah...not sure what to do...

These ups and downs get old.

I don't know, I want to keep this fairly short.

I'm doing good. Sometimes. I've made a lot of positive progress in these past 6 months and am on track to becoming employed again within the next couple of months as long as I hold myself together.

But I always fall short damn it.

And I can't even keep on top of all the simple things in life. Hygiene, and keeping up with all my appointments, groceries and finances, laundry, exercising, eating proper, keeping my apartment clean.

It's like I've taken these big steps in life...but I'm having a super hard time with all the small steps.

And my physical health is a wreck. I'm heavier then I've ever been in life. I keep gorging on food! I just did it again today. I stuff myself to the point where I feel sick from it for a couple of days.

And now I'm having a hell of a hard time moving. Just getting out of bed and to the bathroom can wind me.
My oxygen levels get real low...I have an oxygen machine, but my hose broke on it and I've yet to make the phone call to order new ones.
I fail to do a lot of things I need to do.

I've been wearing the same pants for like 2 months now.
The same shirts for at least a month...I just rotate them every few days.

At least I'm clean. I don't stink that I'm aware of.

And I'm not suicidal...I dont want to kill myself.
And yet...I can't shake this feeling like I almost want to die. I've given up a long time ago along the way and have just been waiting around for death since. Now seems like a good time.
I told myself at the end of 2017 that 2018 was going to be my final year. That I'd be dead one way or the other by 2019.
That's been on my mind a lot.

I don't know.
There really isn't any answers to any of this. I mean there is and there isn't. But oh well.
I do this to myself. I've brought this on myself.

I want to die. And yet I don't.
And I'm here whining about it...but it's probably only because I'm tired. lol I'll regret this post in the morning >.<'.

I'm just feeling down again. I'm getting real ******* sick of these swings. The ups and the downs.
I think I need to increase the amount of mood stabilizers I'm taking.

I don't know where to go. Where my future falls. I'm not giving up...I'm just sad ATM.

I also think maybe I'm trying to eat my way into my grave.

/sigh...I don't know.
I've no idea what the point of this post is haha. A vent? Attention? I'm confused.
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