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  #136  
Old 11-13-16, 06:01 PM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

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Originally Posted by Lloyd_ View Post
But the difference is women have better motor skills than men and women naturally enjoy to dance whereas the thought terrifies me.

I would probably be less afraid of running into a hail of bullets than making an *** out of myself like I'm doing already.
Self-fulfilling prophecy.
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  #137  
Old 11-13-16, 07:19 PM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

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Self-fulfilling prophecy.
Are you trying to say I should have more confidence in myself?
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  #138  
Old 11-13-16, 07:51 PM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

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Are you trying to say I should have more confidence in myself?
I'm not the Magic Eight Ball or Miss Cleo but you could try.
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  #139  
Old 11-13-16, 08:28 PM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

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Originally Posted by Little Missy View Post
I'm not the Magic Eight Ball or Miss Cleo but you could try.
Yeah, by now I should be used to failure.

But seriously, I am trying to figure out where this deep fear is coming from...

Is it possible self loathing? Or is this just how some phobias manifest themselves?
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  #140  
Old 11-14-16, 03:20 AM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

If you choose to stay in your safe space, you are undateable. You may think there are other things, but truly there aren't. Staying in your comfort zone, or getting dates: your choice, one or the other.
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  #141  
Old 11-14-16, 03:24 AM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

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Are you trying to say I should have more confidence in myself?
No. You don't need more confidence in yourself. You need less confidence that you have everything figured out in life, and more reliance on curiosity and possibility.
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  #142  
Old 11-16-16, 10:23 AM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

Good posts btw dvd...
Change requires risks- good or bad- and leaving your comfort zone in order to bring about a change. This means that you need to shelve your ideas about women because honestly-they arent all that accurate-and be open to thinking differently. Then you need to be open to humiliation- if thats what it takes to overcome the fear to be in a committed loving relationship.
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  #143  
Old 05-16-17, 10:11 PM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

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Originally Posted by dvdnvwls View Post
No. You don't need more confidence in yourself. You need less confidence that you have everything figured out in life, and more reliance on curiosity and possibility.
The thing is this, relating with people in general has become more difficult into my later life than even when I was younger and was more clueless about things, I know this isn't too healthy but I've spent the past 10 years or so pretty much in almost solitary confinement aside from work and home and maybe a few times a year I might socialize with the few old friends I have left and or some acquaintance. Something has changed inside of me over recent years, I am not the same person, I am a bit more callused and cold. I still am trying to internalize this and figure it out.
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  #144  
Old 05-16-17, 10:47 PM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

You're out of practice being with people.

On one hand, there's that old bumper sticker "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog" ...

but the truth is, people are an important part of all of our lives, and trying to deny it is futile.
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  #145  
Old 05-17-17, 04:06 AM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

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Originally Posted by Lloyd_ View Post
The thing is this, relating with people in general has become more difficult into my later life than even when I was younger and was more clueless about things, I know this isn't too healthy but I've spent the past 10 years or so pretty much in almost solitary confinement aside from work and home and maybe a few times a year I might socialize with the few old friends I have left and or some acquaintance. Something has changed inside of me over recent years, I am not the same person, I am a bit more callused and cold. I still am trying to internalize this and figure it out.
I am not saying this is you but sometimes bitterness can be disguised in ways that we cant see. Sometimes being bitter can show itself in feeling callous and cold but its really resentments or fear that make us feel that way. Maybe your life experiences have colored your view of the world, or its depression. The important thing is not to give up. All life is precious.
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  #146  
Old 05-17-17, 04:25 PM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

Maybe so.

But you're not unloveable.


Cheers,
Ian
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  #147  
Old 05-18-17, 05:55 PM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

Question.

Are any of you members on a dating site? If so, do you write down in your profil that you have ADD/ADHD?
Or is that something you only reveal when the person likes you?

Have big problem talking to people, most of the time to girls, i do not know how to start a conversation or what to ask them even if i read there profile over and over agian, everything i come up with feels wrong and dumb mabey even creepy as i like too joke.

Also if manged to get a answer from girls and send my second messages, the girls always stop answering, like they know something is wrong with me. Like they can see it in the way i expresse myself that i am stupid or mental. Would it be easier if i tell them that i have ADD?
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  #148  
Old 05-19-17, 03:58 AM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolfman87 View Post
Question.

Are any of you members on a dating site? If so, do you write down in your profil that you have ADD/ADHD?
Or is that something you only reveal when the person likes you?

Have big problem talking to people, most of the time to girls, i do not know how to start a conversation or what to ask them even if i read there profile over and over agian, everything i come up with feels wrong and dumb mabey even creepy as i like too joke.

Also if manged to get a answer from girls and send my second messages, the girls always stop answering, like they know something is wrong with me. Like they can see it in the way i expresse myself that i am stupid or mental. Would it be easier if i tell them that i have ADD?
I am married and never used a dating site but have friends who have. Personally disclosing that is no ones business unless way down the line things are serious enough to warrant discussions about health issues. I think it could sort of be like discriminating against you by having your personal business out there like that. Plus, you dont know what kinds of people troll there. You can get legit people, people peddling illegal stuff, scammers looking to hack, etc. Why give the bad ones more private info than you have to?
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  #149  
Old 05-19-17, 10:10 AM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolfman87 View Post
Question.

Are any of you members on a dating site? If so, do you write down in your profil that you have ADD/ADHD?
Or is that something you only reveal when the person likes you?

Have big problem talking to people, most of the time to girls, i do not know how to start a conversation or what to ask them even if i read there profile over and over agian, everything i come up with feels wrong and dumb mabey even creepy as i like too joke.

Also if manged to get a answer from girls and send my second messages, the girls always stop answering, like they know something is wrong with me. Like they can see it in the way i expresse myself that i am stupid or mental. Would it be easier if i tell them that i have ADD?
I don't disclose my condition on my profile. I feel like that is prime 3rd date material (or whatever point you're at in the relationship where you start disclosing your life secrets).

As far as starting a conversation goes... man, this is going to sound harsh but proper spelling and grammar means a lot on these things. For one thing, there are spambots out there who get around spam filters on OKC and other places by changing a letter or two in the 50 or 100 messages they send, and people are on guard against that. For another, people are judgey about that kind of thing. I've read several profiles of women who just flat out say "use proper punctuation and spelling in your replies to me or don't bother replying".

Otherwise, you kind of have to make a case for why you want to see the other person, but at the same time it's an audition for both of you. Is there a book or TV show that the other person mentioned that you've both read? Comment on it (if they like it but you think it sucks, maybe don't say that it's garbage though). If they say they like hiking, ask them what trails they've gone on. I do feel like generally speaking, questions are the thing that I shoot for, but that's also because I have the tendency to yammer on about myself. Just, generally, act like you would if you were on an actual blind date, I guess.

One thing I know, too, that I've talked about with some men is that the inability to connect with women is because - and this is going to get even harsher - they don't do a lot of things that women or really even men outside of their own circle of friends find fun and exciting. Different people are going to have wildly different interests than you. At the *very* least I think one ought to approach sites like this with the idea that this other person finds hiking or travel or canoeing or whatever every last bit as engrossing as you find whatever it is that you find engrossing, and that you should want to know why they're so enthused. Ideally, though, I think it's good for *you* to expand your hobbies and if anything that's where the ADHD can almost be an advantage (since we kind of love spontaneity and trying out new things). Take a class. Read a book on a subject you hadn't considered before. Join a group that does stuff you hadn't thought much about doing.

If OKC or other online dating sites aren't your thing because your condition hurts you with the written language, there are other places to meet single women. Bars, for instance. Perhaps your local city has singles' clubs with event nights and stuff.

Finally, I don't think you're going to be able to get around language/grammar-related struggles by disclosing that you have a mental condition. All that's going to happen in a lot of cases, I think, is that people are going to look at the message and say "oh, this person does [X thing that is making you strike out] *and* they have a mental condition I don't want to engage with. That's two strikes". You are not your ADHD. You are a person in your own right who has value. You have a condition you have to deal with, too, but you owe it to yourself to not use ADHD as a crutch or an excuse. Understand what it is and how it interacts with you, sure (and I'm not saying to ignore it if it's debilitating), but also understand that you have worth that has *nothing* to do with the ADHD.
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  #150  
Old 05-24-17, 09:04 AM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I am married and never used a dating site but have friends who have. Personally disclosing that is no ones business unless way down the line things are serious enough to warrant discussions about health issues. I think it could sort of be like discriminating against you by having your personal business out there like that. Plus, you dont know what kinds of people troll there. You can get legit people, people peddling illegal stuff, scammers looking to hack, etc. Why give the bad ones more private info than you have to?
Thank you for the answer and sorry for the late reply.

After reading your post several times i see that you are right. Its nobodys busniess to know about my issues. Have been strugeling with low selfestem for 5 years now, ever since me and my gf broke up. I have been avoding social contacts with everybody. I started with sertralin, lyrica and ritalin and other drugs that the doctor gave me. Right now i am taking medication for Crohns disease, depression, GAD, social fobi, agora fobi , ADD and pills for helping me too sleep.

BTW. I tought that i have done a major break trough today. Was going too my first date for 5 years. A good looking girl askt me out. But today, first she ask if we can meet two hours later, i say fine. Some time later she says hurt throat hurts. And when i was about to go to the buss i get a new mess that her throat hurts and she can barley speak. So we agreed to cancel and meet a other day. I think she is liar. Me think she used wolfman87 for ego boost and she was just playing with wolfman87.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Johnny Slick View Post
I

As far as starting a conversation goes... man, this is going to sound harsh but proper spelling and grammar means a lot on these things. For one thing, there are spambots out there who get around spam filters on OKC and other places by changing a letter or two in the 50 or 100 messages they send, and people are on guard against that. For another, people are judgey about that kind of thing. I've read several profiles of women who just flat out say "use proper punctuation and spelling in your replies to me or don't bother replying".

Otherwise, you kind of have to make a case for why you want to see the other person, but at the same time it's an audition for both of you. Is there a book or TV show that the other person mentioned that you've both read? Comment on it (if they like it but you think it sucks, maybe don't say that it's garbage though). If they say they like hiking, ask them what trails they've gone on. I do feel like generally speaking, questions are the thing that I shoot for, but that's also because I have the tendency to yammer on about myself. Just, generally, act like you would if you were on an actual blind date, I guess.

One thing I know, too, that I've talked about with some men is that the inability to connect with women is because - and this is going to get even harsher - they don't do a lot of things that women or really even men outside of their own circle of friends find fun and exciting. Different people are going to have wildly different interests than you. At the *very* least I think one ought to approach sites like this with the idea that this other person finds hiking or travel or canoeing or whatever every last bit as engrossing as you find whatever it is that you find engrossing, and that you should want to know why they're so enthused. Ideally, though, I think it's good for *you* to expand your hobbies and if anything that's where the ADHD can almost be an advantage (since we kind of love spontaneity and trying out new things). Take a class. Read a book on a subject you hadn't considered before. Join a group that does stuff you hadn't thought much about doing.

Finally, I don't think you're going to be able to get around language/grammar-related struggles by disclosing that you have a mental condition. All that's going to happen in a lot of cases, I think, is that people are going to look at the message and say "oh, this person does [X thing that is making you strike out] *and* they have a mental condition I don't want to engage with. That's two strikes". You are not your ADHD. You are a person in your own right who has value. You have a condition you have to deal with, too, but you owe it to yourself to not use ADHD as a crutch or an excuse. Understand what it is and how it interacts with you, sure (and I'm not saying to ignore it if it's debilitating), but also understand that you have worth that has *nothing* to do with the ADHD.
Honest words. And no i did not find them harsh. Its logical what you wrote down

Also english is not my first language not even second. So yeah i know my english spelling and grammar is terrible and i know this thing are important to woman when a man makes contact with them. I have no problem with grammar or spelling in the country i live in.

I do ask them about there intrests and i read there profil very carefully. Also i only make contact with girls that i think i have a chance with. I never write to 10/10 girl, i go for 5-7.5/10
However i never go after looks only, if the girl has no profil and only just some pictures i never make contact with them. I try to find girls with similar intrests like me, for exempel soccer(thats real football you yankes ;p) going to games, hockey( go ottawa senetors go) movies, and to the gym, reading history and astromoni and the things that happen around the world. I also like gaming, tv series and animals. Always wanted to be a vet.

So there should be at least some girls who should fine me intresting. Or mabey i am ulgy as hell.

I do not have the balls too go up to a unknown woman and talk to her IRL.Thats way i do the online stuff to get too know her and then meet. I was succesful in the past with online stuff but not anymore.

I have ADD not ADHD. I am tierd almost all the time.
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