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Old 01-29-11, 01:28 AM
smith.bobjoe smith.bobjoe is offline
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Need advice please--questions on life, sanity ect ect

I have to explain this, sorry for the sob story but you'll need the details to have some advice for me.

I was in a really bad situation as a kid, loved my father but he died and I cut ties with my mother. I was very unhappy until I was about 8 years old, just went kinda numb after that. Grew up with street kids, in and out of group/forster homes, lots of fighting and criminal activity, didn't go to elementary school very much at all, missed grades 6,7,8,9 just couldn't cope.
I applied myself in high school though but wanted to change my situation, I was so sick of the poverty, so I dropped school and joined the military at 17. By 21 years old I realized something was not right with me,I've never hurt an innocent person and never will but I couldn't feel much of anything accept such a deep hatred and anger. When I was in public it felt like I was just waiting for my next fight, constantly scanning people and my surroundings. I saw a shrink and wow I felt pretty good, really helped to clear some weight off my chest, I wasn't perfect but I felt like a "normal" person. A while later my time was up with the army and I started college(present time), I don't know if it was the stress of leaving the army, which was the closest I ever felt to having a real family, or just the stress of having a really hard time with school but I went back into my "negativity bubble" as I call it, criminal prospects were looking more and more as my only option.

Luckily someone happened to bring up Adhd and I suddenly remembered people saying I had that as a kid, saw the doc, took the pills and wow complete turn around in attitude and outlook on life. It made everything so clear even off the meds, I could identify my negative thoughts and consciously chose to let them go, I realized my aggressive behavior and was really just my insecurity, I didn't have to or want to fight anymore ! I also realized that maybe I was not such a bad person after all, throughout my time on "the streets" I never insulted, hurt or did anything mean to good people or those that were at a disadvantage, I always fought the strongest fighters, sold to users.....ect , and left good people alone. It ****ed me off the things my so called "friends" did to people, they would rob the shoes off a dieing old grandma if the had the chance, no shame. Maybe I was just to weak as a kid, those people were the only ones I identified with, even though I hated them.

So here I am now I decide that I would be a nice person and stop looking for bad people. Instead of just being numb and just reacting to negativity I would be how I want to feel at all times, happy, content, calm, peaceful.


But here is what is troubling me, since I was young I could always see peoples true intentions so to say, it was probably just a defense mechanism or something,some folks are really bad, most are neutral and some are good I never bothered paying to much attention to it. But now it's like a whole new level I don't really see bad people, I see the sadness in peoples eyes and it truly makes me sad, I see some strangely good people and its almost so strong that I can't take it now, like a feeling of "love" or something lol. It happened to me a few days ago, wasn't on any pills at the time...... I walked by this girl I've seen before, always thought she was a really nice girl before but didn't care too much, we looked at each other differently now, the look on her face was almost indescribable, astonishment, like she saw how weak I really was, while the look in her eyes was just incredible, like I was a good person, I have never felt anything even close to this, it stopped me in my tracks, like this warm feeling in my stomach, good but almost unbearable, like me insides are made of mush, and no it wasn't the same as the hookup look or the ck eye as I call it lol, it was just this amazing feeling of goodness.Today I started trying Dexedrine, low dose 10mg, and it amplified this good feeling it was nuts, I went to buy something at the store and the cashier, older chick mid 50's looked like a nice lady, kinda was putting off that good feeling, I tried thinking that the pills were just making me moody and to stay calm but it was too much she looked at me with these eyes so kind that I couldn't even look directly in them, only so close, it looked like she was going to cry, in a happy way, I was lucky I could get away in time, one second more I would have lossed my composure, I felt so good I wanted to cry, almost fell over !
I feel like a little boy, I can remember now feeling like this at one point in my life before it all went to @#!t, just raw happiness.

This scares me so much because I don't no how to act now, its like I can't hold on ounce of hatred,violence or any negative feelings anymore like I'm just spent, I really like this feeling of feeling good, but I feel like I look like some kinda wuss or something now, I don't have any judgmental views on homosexuals, but I'm afraid dudes will think I'm gay now or something hahaha.

Am I Bipolar ? I heard the pills could send you into a manic state, is this what is happening? The reason I bring this up is because I tried a bunch of stuff before dex, adderall made me happy but really on edge and irritable at night. biphentin(ritalin xr) made me lose it after a while, was up till 5 AM convinced someone was coming to kill me, I can somewhat see how I put that idea together but my reaction to that very very very small maybe was just way to much.

What the heck is going on here?
Is this normal, do people just feel like this sometimes?
What is this feeling and why are people looking at me like this? Is this all in my head?
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Old 01-29-11, 01:35 AM
Icecream Icecream is offline
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Re: Need advice please--questions on life, sanity ect ect

I think your funny. Not to make fun of you, you are infatuated.
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Old 01-29-11, 01:49 AM
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hypergirl96 hypergirl96 is offline
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Re: Need advice please--questions on life, sanity ect ect

Wow. what a great story! and to come here nd share it with us, i just applaud you for that. youve had a rough life and im very glad to here that it is working out for you.

ive never had any experiences like this before, considdering that ive had a pretty good life, but i am a pretty deep thinker when it comes to these kinds of thims. i feel sometimes i can understand things...people...emotions that ive never meet, seen, or had before. so bear with me here.

what i think is happening here is that youve spent so much of your life in pain, suffering, darkness, hatred, anger and fear that it has just nbeen so hard for you to find the silver lining. but now, you are experiencing for the first time joy, kindness and love. not romantic love, but love of friends, of others, of all the gifts and opportunities we have been given. you have been given new glasses now, able to pierce through the fog of your past, and can now see the good on the other side, not shadowed by the ghosts of your childhood. you are definately an amazing person, dont ever doubt that, and the fact that youve gone through all of this and come out well in the end just goes to prove that you have great inner strength and angels guiding your path. i dont mean to sound preachy, but i believe this is true, as i have had some trying experiences in my life which, only through prayer, i have come through.

i think its not that its all in your head, its just that before, you were only looking out for sly looks and someone out to get you, courtesy of your childhood on the "streets". but now, you have overcome that fear and paranoia and you can now appreciate the good, see the good in otrhers. its not that theyre looking at you any differently, its that now you see them differently. and this is definately an awesome thing.

i cant say its normal for everyone to feel this way, as not all of us have had such a past and then such a life-changing turn-around, but it deffinately is good. rejoice! you have been given many blessings including a strong inner strength and the will to stick to your morals no matter the influence to do otherwise. find them! revel in them! you can now see and appreciate your gifts and talents, and from your post, i can tell you have quite a few and probably more that are no readily apparent.

you have been given a gift here. do not let it go to waste, but do not take advantage of it. you are truly an amazing person and definately deserve this second chance to turn in a possotive and bright direction in life.

Best of luck!
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Old 01-29-11, 02:04 AM
Icecream Icecream is offline
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Re: Need advice please--questions on life, sanity ect ect

I wish I was interested or attracted to somebody. Something is wrong with me cause I don't find anybody attractive or even interesting(opposite sex).
Love is anything but sane.
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Old 01-29-11, 02:36 AM
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fracturedstory fracturedstory is offline
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Re: Need advice please--questions on life, sanity ect ect

People with ADHD may be overly empathetic. By that I mean they can pick up emotions in people and it could feel like a presence of sorts.
Funny thing is I've had both extreme anger moods and this over empathy. I had to take a med because my anger of all people was becoming too much.
For what it's worth I can't even make eye contact with people because the feelings, what I call negative energy, is too much for me.
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Old 01-29-11, 03:21 AM
smith.bobjoe smith.bobjoe is offline
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Re: Need advice please--questions on life, sanity ect ect

Maybe you should try finding someone that you really like as just a stand alone person, then you might actually be attracked to him as a dude.
lol I've only seen this in a rare few women and yes I am infatuated !
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Old 01-29-11, 04:17 AM
Icecream Icecream is offline
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Re: Need advice please--questions on life, sanity ect ect

Maybe you found your one. I've found too many 'ones' that are not the one. Does being single for a while make me a hag? That's not bipolar.
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Old 01-29-11, 10:35 AM
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Re: Need advice please--questions on life, sanity ect ect

It sounds like you spent many years in negativity and you are who finding out you are. Yea, sometimes I'll get those quirky thoughts of being a man and stuff like that, but I attribute those to the intermittent attention.

Really, embrace those moments when that girl enjoyed you. It's sounds like your are enjoying your life so I would continue to ride the wave.
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Old 01-29-11, 01:09 PM
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Re: Need advice please--questions on life, sanity ect ect

Glad you're feeling good, bobjoe, but if I changed like that so suddenly I'd be a little nervous. Enjoy it while it lasts and be the kind of person to others that you'd like others o be to you. Just don't assume you know how others are feeling towards you just because all of a sudden you have amazing warm fuzzies when you look into their eyes. While i believe its possible to read others' thoughts and emotions by non-verbal communication or even spiritual connections, don't let yourself think you have special powers. You could get into some embarrassing or even dangerous situations. When you look into the eyes of a passing girl, remind yourself that the feelings you feel are *your* feelings about her, not *her* feelings about you.
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Old 01-29-11, 04:22 PM
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Re: Need advice please--questions on life, sanity ect ect

Thank you for sharing your story.

Growing up "on the streets" makes a person bury emotions that can be perceived as weak. In a pack mentality, showing any weakness can be dangerous. There is no joy or happiness, just stress and constant worry.

I suspect what you are dealing with are emotions that have been suppressed. You are more relaxed now. You have made the step in your life to allow them in, but, you have no control over them. You might not even know what they are. Meditation and talking to someone will help.

Just wait lol You are going to break down in tears in the store or watching a movie. It is ok. Let it out as soon as you can. I cried for almost 6 hours when it all opened for me. I am happier and stronger than before. You might even get rid of some anxieties and stressors.

Best wishes on the next part of your journey.
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Old 01-29-11, 04:28 PM
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Re: Need advice please--questions on life, sanity ect ect

Quote:
Originally Posted by GonZo025 View Post
Thank you for sharing your story.

Growing up "on the streets" makes a person bury emotions that can be perceived as weak. In a pack mentality, showing any weakness can be dangerous. There is no joy or happiness, just stress and constant worry.

I suspect what you are dealing with are emotions that have been suppressed. You are more relaxed now. You have made the step in your life to allow them in, but, you have no control over them. You might not even know what they are. Meditation and talking to someone will help.

Just wait lol You are going to break down in tears in the store or watching a movie. It is ok. Let it out as soon as you can. I cried for almost 6 hours when it all opened for me. I am happier and stronger than before. You might even get rid of some anxieties and stressors.

Best wishes on the next part of your journey.
This was really good advice Gonzo. Your crying reminds me of times when I have let it out, but have managed to keep some stuff buried. Although, I have never been on the streets growing up in white suburbia, I have had to keep my emotions in (stifled). I also had to keep many things from my dad, which I'm resentful to my mom for.

Thanks for the post and let it fill the OP with the courage to continue on his "distinguished road."
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Old 01-29-11, 05:58 PM
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Re: Need advice please--questions on life, sanity ect ect

Thanks everyone for all your advice.
That's a really good point you make gonzo!
Haha today at the bank I was scared it would happen again.
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Old 01-29-11, 06:06 PM
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Re: Need advice please--questions on life, sanity ect ect

Quote:
Originally Posted by anonymouslyadd View Post
This was really good advice Gonzo. Your crying reminds me of times when I have let it out, but have managed to keep some stuff buried. Although, I have never been on the streets growing up in white suburbia, I have had to keep my emotions in (stifled). I also had to keep many things from my dad, which I'm resentful to my mom for.

Thanks for the post and let it fill the OP with the courage to continue on his "distinguished road."
Six hours was just the beginning. The emotions became a bit easier to control after that. There can be some struggles as your perception of the world changes. Accepting your past instead of blocking it out via suppression, drugs, alcohol, the gym or whatever. You, I, Bobjoe and a lot of others are on similar journeys, just remember, it is a journey, not an event.

It is not just white suburbia or the black communities. World wide, anti-depressant usage and suicide has increased. These are not relaxing times. Stress causes more than just heart problems, it messes with the brains chemistry as well.

Is there any way to tell your father how you feel? Is it guilt your feeling? You resent your mother, does she know how her actions effected you? I don't mean to pry and you don't need to respond if you don't wish.

I sent a letter to my mother a couple years ago. I am not sure how long we had been out of touch, Emotionally, most of my life. I told her that I forgave her for what I resented her for, then asked if she could forgive me for the resentment I had towards her.

My father has passed. There are several things I would like to have said or discussed with him. I can't now, so I had to learn to accept my guilt. The key word is 'learn'. I could not just accept it and let it go. It ate at me. It still flares up but I am learning to accept that emotion. Just as I am learning to accept love and happiness.
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Old 01-29-11, 06:27 PM
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Re: Need advice please--questions on life, sanity ect ect

Quote:
Originally Posted by smith.bobjoe View Post
Thanks everyone for all your advice.
That's a really good point you make gonzo!
Haha today at the bank I was scared it would happen again.
That is how it was for me. It was here and there, maybe a baby being held, or children playing, two people holding hands. Then it was like a wave of compassion. One Friday I was fighting it all day at work. The tears started while driving home. I fought them for a bit, little things kept setting it off. I was able to call a dear friend to come over. I borrowed her lap and just let it go. It was one of the most exhilarating yet emotional experiences I have had.

I am still contemplating this, but I think the compassion being seen is a reflection of the compassion we are finding for ourselves. Compassion for that inner child that endured so much. A finding of love for ourselves.

Remember, it it not going to be the final step. That is just the door opening. Once open, you have to face what is inside. That is the next part of the journey. There will be ups and downs just like every road.
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Old 01-29-11, 07:05 PM
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Re: Need advice please--questions on life, sanity ect ect

Quote:
Originally Posted by GonZo025 View Post
That is how it was for me. It was here and there, maybe a baby being held, or children playing, two people holding hands. Then it was like a wave of compassion. One Friday I was fighting it all day at work. The tears started while driving home. I fought them for a bit, little things kept setting it off. I was able to call a dear friend to come over. I borrowed her lap and just let it go. It was one of the most exhilarating yet emotional experiences I have had.

I am still contemplating this, but I think the compassion being seen is a reflection of the compassion we are finding for ourselves. Compassion for that inner child that endured so much. A finding of love for ourselves.

Remember, it it not going to be the final step. That is just the door opening. Once open, you have to face what is inside. That is the next part of the journey. There will be ups and downs just like every road.


Thanks, that's cool how you are open about it. You seem to have a really good insight.

Just to ask, how do you deal with family, do you have family? When you got "better" could you connect with them?

I have a really hard time with that, its not like I don't care it just kinda hurts allot to see them.

Never grew up to much around my brothers and sisters but still kept in contact with them. I worry allot about my bro, he's such a good person but is disabled and living in gov projects downtown, it hurts me allot that he's living like that.
One of my sisters is living in the same city as me, but I find it really hard to connect, she seems acts like a malicious person, she didn't used to be like that. Now she's prego and I don't think its a good idea, she can hardly take care of herself let alone a child, I'm worried she will fk up this kids life before it even has a chance. Should I just tell her to give it to adoption ? Who am I to say that ?
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