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  #1  
Old 11-22-18, 08:28 PM
MommingTooMuch MommingTooMuch is offline
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Where to draw lines of helping/control

I am currently at a loss of words and very sad.

We've had a bad couple weeks now. We had about 8 perfect weeks when he first started adderall. The last few have been crumbling with many fights and him threatening divorce. The fights have been coming from nowhere over the smallest things that should not matter. I got in trouble for his shower going cold for a few minutes (he thought I was sabotaging him). In fact I had gone out of my way to purposefully use no water and make sure he had a great long shower!

I feel like my purpose is to be his emotional punching bag. The roller coaster has returned. What a great 8 weeks of happiness I experienced.

If I help too much I am parenting and controlling.

If I encourage him to make his own decisions and plans then he thinks I don't care and want to see him fail.

I cannot win. He takes almost everything I say and uses it against me. He is angry again and often. Do the meds just stop working? I am back to unpredictability, fear, and stress.

Right now I am in trouble for not telling him that I removed the guns from the home. He had months of suicidal threats and intense angry outbursts. For his safety and our family, I chose to relocate the guns. So now I am in trouble. Months later he has discovered the guns are gone. I am a control freak for removing them and a chicken**** for not telling him I was doing it.

He also wants to know why the guns are not back yet as he feels fine now. But, he just talked about wanting to kill himself again 3 days ago.

Normally I believe he throws out the suicide thoughts to hurt me and make me cry. But I have two kids at home and cannot risk them.

We are planning on therapy as soon as we can get in. Hopefully therapy will start next week.

I am mostly venting here. I really wanted a great, argument free Thanksgiving for my kids.
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Old 11-22-18, 10:47 PM
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Re: Where to draw lines of helping/control

Quote:
Originally Posted by MommingTooMuch View Post
We had about 8 perfect weeks when he first started adderall. The last few have been crumbling with many fights and him threatening divorce. The fights have been coming from nowhere over the smallest things that should not matter.
Are you pretty sure that it's the medicine that is causing this change? Stimulants have their effects right away, so perhaps he could try not taking it for a day or so, and see if the anger goes away. Or a lower dose might end up helping.

It could also be helpful to think about timing. Ex. does his anger peak in the middle of the day (when the drug level in the body is probably highest), or does it peak at night (when the drug is wearing off)?

Also, is he getting good sleep and eating alright? Those factors can affect how the body and brain react to meds.
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Old 11-23-18, 04:32 AM
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Re: Where to draw lines of helping/control

Sorry but this is abusive behaviour. Adhd or not this is not acceptable. You're treading on eggshells and that's no way to live. And worst of all you're teaching your kids that this is normal so they will either end up being the abuser or the doormat.

Stop making excuses for his abuse and leave.
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Old 11-23-18, 07:18 AM
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Re: Where to draw lines of helping/control

Quote:
Originally Posted by MommingTooMuch View Post
I am currently at a loss of words and very sad.

We've had a bad couple weeks now. We had about 8 perfect weeks when he first started adderall. The last few have been crumbling with many fights and him threatening divorce. The fights have been coming from nowhere over the smallest things that should not matter. I got in trouble for his shower going cold for a few minutes (he thought I was sabotaging him). In fact I had gone out of my way to purposefully use no water and make sure he had a great long shower!

I feel like my purpose is to be his emotional punching bag. The roller coaster has returned. What a great 8 weeks of happiness I experienced.

If I help too much I am parenting and controlling.

If I encourage him to make his own decisions and plans then he thinks I don't care and want to see him fail.

I cannot win. He takes almost everything I say and uses it against me. He is angry again and often. Do the meds just stop working? I am back to unpredictability, fear, and stress.

Right now I am in trouble for not telling him that I removed the guns from the home. He had months of suicidal threats and intense angry outbursts. For his safety and our family, I chose to relocate the guns. So now I am in trouble. Months later he has discovered the guns are gone. I am a control freak for removing them and a chicken**** for not telling him I was doing it.

He also wants to know why the guns are not back yet as he feels fine now. But, he just talked about wanting to kill himself again 3 days ago.

Normally I believe he throws out the suicide thoughts to hurt me and make me cry. But I have two kids at home and cannot risk them.

We are planning on therapy as soon as we can get in. Hopefully therapy will start next week.

I am mostly venting here. I really wanted a great, argument free Thanksgiving for my kids.
I bolded some key things in your post. Imagine your daughter telling you these things..would you tell her to leave or stay?
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Old 11-23-18, 12:02 PM
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Re: Where to draw lines of helping/control

If you are afraid for your safety and your kids safety, then you probably have good reason and should leave him. It's an abusive relationship.

Have a good exit strategy though cause right when you leave and the period of time immediately after that are when the abusive partner is most likely to murder or commit suicide/murder.

Before you do that, i think you should call his psychiatrist who gives him the meds too to see if something could be going wrong with the meds, though I don't think so. Tell the psychiatrist you are afraid for your own life, his life, and the kids lives as well imo. Make sure your husband is out the house when you do this though or that you are calling somewhere he can't hear you.
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Old 11-23-18, 12:14 PM
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Re: Where to draw lines of helping/control

I hear what everyone is saying but it is not that easy. I have 2 kids that are madly in love with their father. My youngest most likely has add and I do not want to send her the message that we give up or walk away when our loved ones are in crisis.

I grew up in a home with an emotionally abusive mother and we walked on eggshells all the time. After many years of learning to navigate her mood swings she began treatment for depression and became a happy, loving mother that I cherish. I am glad my dad stood by her and got her the help she needed. It turned out she had a bad autoimmune disease that caused her a lot of pain and anger.

It is not that easy to give up on someone you love. He was only diagnosed with add a few months ago. When I vent here in the forum it highlights the horrible things that happen in our marriage. The remaining portion of our marriage is filled with joy, laughter, teamwork, and care. He is trying very hard. But he has had some bad days lately.

When his meds started wearing off the doctor increased him from 25mg a day up to 40mg a day. He has lost about 15 pounds and his sleep is poor again. He is back to using his phone a lot. However, the first 8 weeks of meds he was sleeping normal, happy, fulfilled, focused and all around wonderful to everyone.

My fear is the meds were increased too much and have caused this increased anger. He cannot seem to move past things right now.

In the meantime, we are starting counseling both individual and as a couple. I am committed to stopping arguments from occurring in front of the kids.
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Old 11-23-18, 07:00 PM
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Re: Where to draw lines of helping/control

Quote:
Originally Posted by MommingTooMuch View Post
My fear is the meds were increased too much and have caused this increased anger. He cannot seem to move past things right now.

In the meantime, we are starting counseling both individual and as a couple. I am committed to stopping arguments from occurring in front of the kids.
If you think it's the meds that's causing this cause it coincided with the dr. raising the med dosage, then tell the dr. this. I think it means in general that this is not the right med for your husband and he should try a different med.

Hopefully it's the meds.

My mom told me once that her therapist had told her to leave her husband. She said to do this cause us kids seeing their relationship and it's abusive ways would greatly increase the odds of us ending up in troubled marriages ourselves. Even if they tried to keep the bad behavior behind closed doors away from the kids, inevitably the kids will know (if the bad behavior continued) because even if you think you're successfully hiding it, you are not.

The lady was completely right and statistics suggest she's right as well I believe. My sister is in a miserable marriage now because she failed to recognize her current husbands poor habits from the start. We learn how to interact with our partners through our parents. We can adopt very poor habits and we also learn to allow/justify (or are even blinded to) terrible treatment of us from our partners.

I do hope you can find a way to work through your marital problems since it sounds like you still want to give it a shot. I recommend putting a time limit to the trial. Say 6 months to a year or something like that. This way he has time to test out different treatment methods like your mom did but it doesn't drag on forever for both your kids and yourself.

I know you say the kids love their dad. They would still be seeing him I assume if you divorced. They would still have him but they would lose the poor education on how partners interact with each other if you guys separated.


Best of luck.
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Old 11-23-18, 08:13 PM
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Re: Where to draw lines of helping/control

Tell him he is being abusive and hold him accountable for his abusive behaviour. I habe ADHD and if my husband thinks I'm not treating him well he tells me. He puts that responsibility on me and its up to me to fund the cause and if that's meds or food it's my job to sort it out.
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Old 11-24-18, 06:08 AM
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Re: Where to draw lines of helping/control

Momming I hear you too. But its just not about sticking by a loved one. You an stick by a loved one and still keep your kids safe.
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