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Old 12-04-18, 11:33 AM
MommingTooMuch MommingTooMuch is offline
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Resentment

First of all I want to thank everyone that has been giving their time and experience helping me understand and gain perspective on adhd and relationships.

I have taken the initiative to seek out therapy for myself. I am also planning to initiate couples counseling soon.

My question today is how do you, as the non-add partner, deal with the resentment you foster. Today is a good example of how my resentment is created and maintained in my marriage. The alarm goes off in the morning. I get up, he does not. I get the kids ready while he starts to wake. I drive kids to school while he takes 30-45 minutes in the bathroom. I get morning chores done around farm. Lastly I do the best I can not to yell at him for not helping. It is very difficult because I am truly angry and exhausted.

He gets to sleep in, relax and have a comfy morning routine at my expense. I know he does not see it this way. If I say anything we will have an argument. So I move forward with my day, feeling unhappy. I try all day to do my best to be a good mother, sister, friend and wife.

As with the morning, we have a similar dinnertime routine. I make dinner and get kids to bed while he plays with his phone and goes to bathroom again. Then at bedtime the phone is often out again. I go to sleep and ask that he please turn the light off so he does not keep me awake.

So for my own mental health I want to deal with the anger and resentment I have at his lack of initiative. It is something I hold against him and often causes me to snap at him or yell. I want to work on this in therapy. Any tips/suggestions from your experiences. Also would love thoughts from adhd partners so I can get some perspective.

Best to all of you.
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Old 12-04-18, 11:52 AM
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Re: Resentment

I'm not sure you can deal with the resentment unless you stop feeling you've got a raw deal. I know it sounds like I'm basically just paraphrasing but what I mean is that both you and he need to find ways in which he can pitch in so that you don't have to feel resentful. Right now it sounds like you do everytjing.

What does he do?

Is there anything he does well? If yes, could he do more of that, do it more frequently or could thst method be applied to other chores?

Could you ask him to pick a task, any task that he feels might suit him to take the load of you?

If you think it will just end in argument or that he will get defensive maybe you could phrase it as that you cannot cope with your work load rather than him needing to pull his weight.

I know this isn't what you asked but I'm honestly not sure you could stop resenting him unless you get rid of the reasons for that resentment.

It's unlikely to ever he a fair split but maybe start with something and then see how it goes.
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Old 12-04-18, 12:39 PM
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Re: Resentment

That is very helpful. I suspect this will come down to actually changing our behaviors. I suspect my doing too much all the time also upsets him as he knows I am getting actively upset each morning. I think we both feel a bit trapped in the parent/child relationship and will need to find a way to set tasks respectfully. I am tempted to do a chore chart but I think that would come across as him being treated like a child.
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Old 12-04-18, 03:26 PM
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Re: Resentment

I agree with Fuzzy. I can't imagine you not being resentful if you still think you are doing more than your fair share of work.

I think you guys should also consider hiring someone else to do some of your chores and or figuring out ways to eliminate some chores altogether.

I think him taking on some additional chores will help to even the split between you two. But if to make it even, he has to take on more chores than he can handle, it's not going to work. The removal of some tasks will help make splitting work as close to evenly as possible, easier.

Also, are there some tasks he already does that you just don't put a value to.? Like maybe he's the one that picks and buys the electronics in the family and sets them up or maybe sets up the family photos/videos backup. I used that as an example cause I do that myself. It actually takes a while to do and I think he would feel more valued if you appreciated and placed value on his contribution to the family in a way he might be better at than anyone else. Plus it can make you feel like the work load is actually more evenly when you count his hours doing these types of currently unvalued tasks.
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Old 12-04-18, 07:30 PM
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Re: Resentment

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Originally Posted by acdc01 View Post
I agree with Fuzzy. I can't imagine you not being resentful if you still think you are doing more than your fair share of work.

I think you guys should also consider hiring someone else to do some of your chores and or figuring out ways to eliminate some chores altogether.

I think him taking on some additional chores will help to even the split between you two. But if to make it even, he has to take on more chores than he can handle, it's not going to work. The removal of some tasks will help make splitting work as close to evenly as possible, easier.

Also, are there some tasks he already does that you just don't put a value to.? Like maybe he's the one that picks and buys the electronics in the family and sets them up or maybe sets up the family photos/videos backup. I used that as an example cause I do that myself. It actually takes a while to do and I think he would feel more valued if you appreciated and placed value on his contribution to the family in a way he might be better at than anyone else. Plus it can make you feel like the work load is actually more evenly when you count his hours doing these types of currently unvalued tasks.

I think that this is a great idea!! There are so many electronics on sale this time of year! Is there any electronic that you need or just want? Or maybe just get it to be able to appreciate your husband.
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Old 12-05-18, 11:16 AM
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Re: Resentment

Add husband is great at many things. He is great at physical labor around farm and does his share of that during chore hours everyday. The difference is my "supermom" workday starts earlier and ends later than his work.

He already has spending issues so I don't want to buy him more stuff. I go without the things I want because he spends so much. He also does not take care of his things and so we often have to replace tools and other lost/rusted items.

I suspect some of our problem is the old fashioned gender division of labor that we have fallen into. My work never ends and I get no "me" time. I know this is a challenge that I must solve. I must learn to say no. I also need to ask for help.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. It is physically exhausting to be in this role.
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Old 12-08-18, 08:02 AM
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Re: Resentment

Here's the thing Momming...any other time I would be the first one to defend the adhd'r and tell you that resentment is toxic but for some reason I do not feel that way with you. I think its because I know more of your backstory and feel (maybe unjustly) that his behavior is abusive and unhealthy. It really doesnt matter to me that he has adhd because in this case actions speak louder than words. I get why you feel this way and it goes beyond being annoyed at how little he gets to do and how the burden falls on you. Its his treatment of you combined with his lack of help that in my mind is justifying why you feel resentment. I am sorry to say this and I know resentment is poison. I am in AA and one of the things I learned was either to deal and come to terms with resentment (through writing and talk therapy and my sponsor) or change the situation with the person causing me to feel resentment. I. made peace with just about all my resentments, even those that if you were to look at them- you would say I had a right to feel resentful. But the biggest thing that helped me besides what I mentioned was changing my expectations which in turn eventually gave me clarity to break free of the toxicity of the people I was resentful with. In most cases I came to terms with what certain people were capable of. Were they capable of behaving in a way I could live with? Were they abusive? Was it worth saving? Was it worth my sanity? Was I being complicit in the relationship allowing myself to be treated a certain way causing the resentment? Since I knew I could only manage my own behavior I made changes. We teach others how to treat us. If we accept abuse or poor behavior without saying or changing anything then it will continue. If we move forward and go about our lives with peace they will either have to change because you have, or they will stay the same and end up being a person from our past. I do not know the answer to your issues but I do know your previous posts about your husband has made me angry for you *not my place, I know *. I do not think you deserve this and I think you have done nothing but support your husband and keep your family together despite his behavior and actions. In this case I think the only way for you to have peace since you are choosing to stay with him is to not expect a single damn thing from him. Expect no help. Expect no division of labor, help with your kids, loving talks. Do not expect him to care about how your day has gone or even ask you about it. Do not expect him to be emotionally available. Do not expect him to be particularly involved in parenting. Once you truly realize that you are doing these things on your own AND become ok with it, you will find peace. Therapy is awesome. Hopefully once he sees you letting him live how he chooses with you going about your business he might change. If he picks a fight with you say" I am not willing to argue about xyz today" and walk away. Repeat if necessary. Have you ever tried to argue by yourself? It always takes two to argue and if you refuse, you take that power away. None of this is easy. Hopefully therapy can offer you more than me. I had to cut some really good friends loose and it was hard but I overcame it.xxxooo
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Old 12-08-18, 11:51 AM
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Re: Resentment

I do agree with Sarahsweets. I still stand by what I said about giving it a try for maybe 6 more months or whatever limited timetable you think is right since you are still holding out hope and don't want to give up yet. But if it goes over that time and he's still like that, then the only way for peace is to just have your expectation be that he doesn't help you and that he will continue to verbally abuse you. That that is just normal behavior and expected and accepted by you.

What Sarahsweets has told you is actually what 2 of my sisters marriage counselors told her as well (accept him for who he is and stop hoping for more OR leave) so I'm guessing it's a very standard advice since people nearly always do not change. The problem I think is that in your case, that will be like trying to believe in Santa Claus. You already know the truth and brainwashing yourself to ignorance will be really difficult. So the real choices are choose to be miserable for the rest of your life or choose to be free.


And as a daughter of a person who chose to be miserable until long after her kids became adults, I know that staying in that misery will not only damage you but damage your kids as well. I know you were glad for your mom but honestly, I think you were damaged by your dad staying based on what you are writing here. Kids are always damaged and they are much more likely to repeat your mistakes in their own marriages should they live through them. You are after all wanting to follow in your father's footsteps.

In your husbands case, if after 6 months of additional unsuccess, well I think your husbands chances for having that fairy tale happy ending your mom had are extremely slim. Especially since he's already diagnosed now. There isn't some magic pill that is going to help him after giving it a try for another 6 months and the pills still don't work.


Best of luck to you. You seem like a very kind and caring person and I hope the best for you.
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Old 12-08-18, 05:57 PM
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Re: Resentment

Couples therapy for sure, and individual therapy could be useful for both of you as well. I think you would benefit from getting tips on setting boundaries, communicating needs, and seeing if the two of you can or will adjust as needed so everyone's needs are more evenly met.

I'm the one in my relationship with ADHD but have struggled with some issues around my partner and taking medication/maintaining stability. I think both sides of a couple where there's a mental health concern need to get really honest and plan together how to move forward. I think oftentimes people need to enlist a third party to guide them through it, though.
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Old Yesterday, 06:22 PM
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Re: Resentment

I've been doing therapy for about two weeks now. It is going great for me. I am learning new skills everyday and working hard to improve my situation.

I really appreciate all the support and differing perspectives. I am learning more everyday and will keep updating.

In therapy I am learning to take ownership of my own happiness and begin to set boundaries. I was even able to disengage from an argument with my add hubby and he quickly stopped throwing his tantrum when he could see he was in a one person argument.

I will keep trying with hope that he will take some initiative. Either way, I am going to move forward in seeking ownership of my own happiness.
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