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  #1  
Old 06-27-18, 06:42 PM
peripatetic peripatetic is offline
 
 

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the breakthrough i need to have

i need to accept my mental illness for what it is and take my medication as often and as much as prescribed. i need to at least try and do that.

today, i saw the psychiatrist who 5150'ed me. he said i was unlike i'd ever been. i had no emotion. and i was so delusional that he couldn't let me go. i was an imminent threat to myself and it was super obvious.

and what trips me up is missing my medications here or there or only taking half of something. i have to be on time all of the time full time with this medication thing. or i get all ****** up. i either cut myself open, i believe i'm unkillable and thus must die, or, most recently, believe i must die to save e.

what the ****, you know?!

i don''t want to be this person and have fought for almost two decades NOT to be this person. but somewhere in myself i need to find some reserves of self acceptance and be ok with needing to take medications as prescribed AND needing help with taking medications as prescribed, as well as be ok with having specific types of mental illness, three active (SZ, OCD, and ADHD) and one currently in remission (the panic disorder with agoraphobia).

i also need to deal with the traumatic experiences of my childhood in therapy. dealing with them could trigger episodes. my psychiatrist also said i was almost in a dissociated state emotionally that day he sent me inpatient. and i seemed unpredictable and impulsive but also very methodical. i had written letters and have an airtight plan.

i'm rambling. but hopefully i'll be able to make some sense of myself if i can just accept treatment as it is. and just stick with it for thirty days. that's what i'm going to try and do, except one day at a time. so far i'm on track.

DAY ONE



x -peri
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  #2  
Old 06-27-18, 07:05 PM
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Re: the breakthrough i need to have

We're all routing for you Peri, you're going to do this and you're going to be a stronger person for it.
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Old 06-27-18, 07:28 PM
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Re: the breakthrough i need to have

Meds and one day at a time. Putting one foot in front of another and trust in your treatment plan. Please do it. You're too good a person for us to lose. Hang on.
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Old 06-27-18, 10:42 PM
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Re: the breakthrough i need to have

Quote:
Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
but somewhere in myself i need to find some reserves of self acceptance and be ok with needing to take medications as prescribed AND needing help with taking medications as prescribed, as well as be ok with having specific types of mental illness, three active (SZ, OCD, and ADHD) and one currently in remission (the panic disorder with agoraphobia).
The book 'Radical Acceptance' by Tara Brach might be helpful for you.
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Old 06-28-18, 02:52 AM
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Re: the breakthrough i need to have

We all wish you the best, peri
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Old 07-03-18, 12:55 AM
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Re: the breakthrough i need to have

cheers for the support; greatly appreciated. x

i'm in sydney now with my small girl, my m, and my father's living here for a bit. it rained like hell last night but forecasted to be sunny for the remainder of our trip. we shall see...

sydney's a pretty neat city. we're staying in the central business district. instead of pigeons and seagulls everywhere they appear to have black headed ibis and arctic terns...or are they antarctic terns so far south? unknown. must investigate.

the small girl is currently napping and so is m. seems i alone have adjusted to the time change. you know what super ******* sucks, though? the cup games are at, like, midnight and four in the morning. boo!

father's doing well. he worries about me. too much, i think. i told him i want to talk about my mum at some point. he seems reconciled to it, perhaps even expected it...?

anyway, perhaps not today, but at some point i'll put some photos of the small girl in sydney up. she's having a blast ...little urbanite that she is. we took the train yesterday and she about lost her marbles with excitement.

oh, and i've been taking my medications as prescribed. i think that's partially why i've adjusted to the time change so quickly.
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Old 07-03-18, 04:38 AM
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Re: the breakthrough i need to have

So glad you could make it down here. Wish I wasn't over the other side!!
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Old 07-03-18, 01:43 PM
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Re: the breakthrough i need to have

Misread your comment about E on the train as "about lost her marbles with excrement" and was alarmed on your behalf, and then re-read it.

Glad you're having a great time!

The differences in ubiquitous birds are always fascinating to me, too.

Planning the medication timing in advance of long-haul transcontinental flights was a real bear for me, but super-important to making sure I wasn't skimping on doses (or taking them too close together because I got mixed-up about where in the world I was and what time it was).

Hope the rest of your visit is fantastic!
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Old 07-03-18, 04:48 PM
peripatetic peripatetic is offline
 
 

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Re: the breakthrough i need to have

Quote:
Originally Posted by namazu View Post
Misread your comment about E on the train as "about lost her marbles with excrement" and was alarmed on your behalf, and then re-read it.

Glad you're having a great time!

The differences in ubiquitous birds are always fascinating to me, too.

Planning the medication timing in advance of long-haul transcontinental flights was a real bear for me, but super-important to making sure I wasn't skimping on doses (or taking them too close together because I got mixed-up about where in the world I was and what time it was).

Hope the rest of your visit is fantastic!
hahaha!!! that would've been a far different scene!
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Old 07-21-18, 09:21 AM
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Re: the breakthrough i need to have

Michaelangelo once said that, without ever touching a Marble slab, he could see what it wanted to become. He saw his role as an artist, was to bring to life what the art wanted to become.

I'll be honest, I don't know what Self-Acceptance is. What does it really mean to accept your weaknesses, when your goal is to take medications that reduce the symptoms?

What are any of us, but prisoners in stone? That is to say, we're not unfinished art pieces. It's that we're unseen.

So why not see yourself first? And try to bring out the part of you that is hiding? See what's locked in stone before you try to change who you are, or accept who you are. Just see who you are.

But if I am wrong about Self-acceptance, then don't you need to see yourself first, before you can accept yourself?

The question is, can you see the best of yourself, and not just the worst? Can you see who you could be? Flaws and all?

Either way, every break-through story that I have heard, started with Self-awareness
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Old 07-21-18, 10:30 AM
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Re: the breakthrough i need to have

Peri, this is a toughie, but you're definitely a survivor.

For me, it was more of a relief to finally understand my mental issues.
They had been part of me my whole life. I could finally stop blaming myself
when it was parts of my brain that made me different than most people.

For me it was harder to accept the DDD (degenerative disk disease) ...
to accept that I need assistance to walk, and can't walk very far without
horrible pain. Hard to accept that I'm spending about 50% of my time in
a wheelchair, and getting worse every month.

I'm only 67. I'll be using the electric carts in stores and see people who are
at least 70 or 80 walking quite briskly.

We are finally at a point with my autistic granddaughter where trips are
more enjoyable, and I can't always go along. I was feeling very depressed
and simply quit going anywhere for awhile.

But then I decided I have to accept this change and make the best of it,
and use whatever assistance I have to use. But, yeah some days I still feel
depressed and sorry for myself. *sigh*
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