do I feel good, or am I in trouble?

[wristelle]

Well.. I have been on Ritalin for a year now (at least) and sertraline for a year too, and I am sure I feel better than I used to feel before, but:

Before I was put on medication, I used to feel much better, most of the time, however on the verge of a terrible attempt to self destruct only sometimes. Now that I am regularly taking pills, I no more self destruct, how ever, I am sure, I deliberately try very hard to avoid myself.

I feel like I have become a very acceptable and easy going person, but lost touch with me. The funny thing is I had no idea who I was before. But I had this overwhelming energy to pursue myself. Now I set it free, or locked it inside a small room.

Sometimes it is ok for me, not doing anything for hours.





When I see my doctor, I panic and tell him every thing is fine, and I am much better. Also I feel as though he is contempt with the state of well being I achieved following his intervention.

But no, I don't feel all right. I killed a monster, thanks for that, but I just feel like I am dying.

Confession:

I lied about applying to jobs. I don't. I do not do anything. I feel like I am close to my death. I do not have any hopes left.
The only thing that gives me hope is knowing that I will not feel anything when I take my pills.

I am 32 years old, unemployed, lonely, etc.

Sometimes I do not even get out of bed, sometimes, I have to take pills in order to get enough motivation to get up get dressed and do nothing.

I used to cut my wrists. Now those scars are almost gone. But I feel like I am hurting myself by taking the medication.

Anyway,

I don't understand, why do people so easily believe me, when I say I am ok?
I am not Ok.

I wish I could be invisible.
Then nobody would ask me if I am ok

I wish I was a ghost.

I wish I had some consistency..

Some apathy, some piece of mind, some piece of me.

[INaBOX]

Maybe print this post and send it to your doctor. Could it be you're also dealing with depression?

[ginniebean]

One of the side effects of sertaline is suicidal thougths. You do need to communicate to your Dr. that everything is NOT fine. He may be able to put you on something else that will work.

[meadd823]

I can't add any thing to more than the suggestions given in the two post above - Your post indicates you are not okay and I think you know that - Doctors are happy if their patients are happy - He doesn't know you are not okay if you are not being truthful with him - It sounds like the medications are not being effective especially the antidepressant. . . you sound depressed as hell to me. I think printing your post is a good idea that way you can just hand it to him without having to speak

[sarek]

I have not much to add to the other posters. They have good ideas.
I do admire your courage to talk to us though. I hope you will continue to do that, because we are here for you.
It is all about finding those people who actually want to hear an answer when they ask you if you are OK.

[marysson]

Sounds like some depression.

Perhaps ask the doctor to switch you to Wellbutrin for the depression + ADD treatment effects it has?

Please tell the doctor how you feel!

[lunaslobo]

I agree with all the above posts. with the meds that you are on these thoughts should not be ignored and should be reported to your doctor as soon as possible. I really like the idea of printing out your post and taking it to a doctor. May I also suggest you keep a small pocket notbook with you and when one of these thoughts enter your head write it down along with what you were doing and what you are feeling at the time. People have the misguided notion that when on these meds the thoughts of harming onself only come at you when you are feeling bad, When I was on a simmilor med they sometimes would hit me out of the blue when i was feeling happy. please let us know how things are going and know that we are behing you in this. thank you for have the courage to share this as someone else reading this that is going thru the same thing will be helped as well.

I wish I could be invisible.
Then nobody would ask me if I am ok

I wish I was a ghost.

I wish I had some consistency..

I wish you well my friend

[JGarf72]

I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. Like others have said, please call your doctor! I know for me when I am spinning out of control it is hard to say the words, "I need help!" and I want people to just see that I need help. But people can't read your mind...the first step is opening your mouth and simply saying, "I need help, I am feeling bad..."

You are very courageous for talking about your feelings here. I hope you hang in there. Call your doctor and be honest. He can't help you if he doesn't know you are hurting so much!

[ADHDTigger]

You aren't alone. Honest.

There are some of us who don't like who we become on meds so they quit taking them. Some manage okay while others fall apart.

What I am hearing you say in your post is that you are depressed and suicidal. I don't know when your next visit with your doctor is. You absolutely MUST communicate how you are feeling. If those feelings become overwhelming you need to go to an Emergency hospital. If you think of it, bring your prescriptions with you.

If you have a friend or family member who is understanding of your condition, you might want to consider staying with them until you see your doctor. Or invite an understanding person to stay with you.

I promise you, this does not have to be your life. You can get better. It is very important that you tell your doctor how you are feeling as soon as possible.

[Clancy]

Hi,
I have felt the same way. I am not on meds because I have no insurance. I hold a job and make mistakes but am working through with therapy. I do not mean to be irresponsible but I study alot , pray alot , and keep in touch with others. I have to go but will try to finish thisa soon.

[pADDyjay]

Originally Posted by wristelle

Well.. I have been on Ritalin for a year now (at least) and sertraline for a year too, and I am sure I feel better than I used to feel before, but:

Before I was put on medication, I used to feel much better, most of the time, however on the verge of a terrible attempt to self destruct only sometimes. Now that I am regularly taking pills, I no more self destruct, how ever, I am sure, I deliberately try very hard to avoid myself.

I feel like I have become a very acceptable and easy going person, but lost touch with me. The funny thing is I had no idea who I was before. But I had this overwhelming energy to pursue myself. Now I set it free, or locked it inside a small room.

Sometimes it is ok for me, not doing anything for hours.





When I see my doctor, I panic and tell him every thing is fine, and I am much better. Also I feel as though he is contempt with the state of well being I achieved following his intervention.

But no, I don't feel all right. I killed a monster, thanks for that, but I just feel like I am dying.

Confession:

I lied about applying to jobs. I don't. I do not do anything. I feel like I am close to my death. I do not have any hopes left.
The only thing that gives me hope is knowing that I will not feel anything when I take my pills.

I am 32 years old, unemployed, lonely, etc.

Sometimes I do not even get out of bed, sometimes, I have to take pills in order to get enough motivation to get up get dressed and do nothing.

I used to cut my wrists. Now those scars are almost gone. But I feel like I am hurting myself by taking the medication.

Anyway,

I don't understand, why do people so easily believe me, when I say I am ok?
I am not Ok.

I wish I could be invisible.
Then nobody would ask me if I am ok

I wish I was a ghost.

I wish I had some consistency..

Some apathy, some piece of mind, some piece of me.

I too admire your courage sharing your feelings ..you will get through this ...you know youre not as well as you should be...and as we all have said please talk to your doctor about this as soon as possible...keep us posted we really care...love P

[NekoGirl]

He hasn't been on here since he posted this, so I hope he's doing better!

[Aquablue]

Hey there Wristelle,

I see this thread was latent for a month and hope you're still checking in. Your description of changes on ritalin touched me ("I have become an acceptable and easy going person"). For me, there is a distinct economy. I've been on ritalin 10+ years, am in my 40s. When I started, my life was a mess. I was separated from spouse, raising two kids, one a teen in trouble, my mum was dying and we were broke. Despite all that I hung on to my scholarship in a doctoral program. The work involved research and writing/synchronizing. Before ritalin I was uneven yet very creative when on a roll. The extremes took a great toll. I'd either be vacant of ideas or flooded with good ones. I'd be up all night talking to myself and scribbling. When I produced, the feedback was great and I was proud of what I wrote. Depression was foreign back then, probably cause I couldn't focus on my emotions long enough to feel any which way. Back to the economy: it’s not that I lost my ability on ritalin. I’m better at organization, punctuation, grammar, spelling. But I sacrificed my originality and at times feel like I whored myself. Ten years later......I still miss myself. But it was a necessary choice. I needed to raise kids, respect husband (feel less bored w/marriage), stay employed. On ritalin, I learned to wear a watch and pay attention to it. And deal w/people I (unmedicated) saw as hapless idiots or as George Carlin put it….redundant piles of protoplasm.

As you said (loved your description) "I had no idea who I was but had this overwhelming energy to pursue myself." Me too, but there was a downside: Before ritalin, I was: locking my keys in car, finding myself in market with no idea what I needed (if I’d made a list……lost it and there I was raking through a big shapeless purse for it as other things spilled out), losing purse, either paying a bill twice or not at all. I thought I might have early dementia.

The first psychiatrist I saw dxed. me with major depressive disorder. He said "considering I was in my 30s and a mother" I was overly active (Now how sexist is that?). Yet he poo-pooed the idea of ADD/ADHD and interpreted my activity level as a sign of depression. Didn't ask about my childhood, which is fundamental (got lost often, accidents from not paying attention where I was going, couldn't watch tv show more than 30 mins., had no girlfriends as I didn't understand their cattiness.) Anyway, he prescribed Prozac, in the same category of ADs as sertaline, also works on serotonin. I hated myself on prozac; felt like a fat ugly slug. Was really upset when a friend saw I was drooling buckets as we ate and I wasn't even aware. I'd given up cigs 10 years back and after 6 or so weeks on Prozac, started smoking again. That caused me so much anger I tossed the pills, cancelled appt. and decided psychiatry was a bogus field. Months later I was dxed. by a psychologist I'd brought my son to. He noted inconsistencies about me and suggested I go through testing that involved auditory stimulation and response time. Long story short he dxed. me w/ADD and referred me to a psychiatrist who believed adults can have ADD.


It's important to know the specific anti-depressant you’re on MATTERS A GREAT DEAL. The wrong one can severely exacerbate/heighten your depression.


Often we ADDers are better at helping others than ourselves. When a friend was suicidal 3 years back and sought my help, I researched the meds. she was on. I learned about neurotransmitters (serotonin, norepinephrine, dopamine, GABA), how they relate to different types of depression and which anti-depressants are appropriate for each type. And 2 years ago, when I suffered a whopping depression myself, I was able to (tactfully, without challenging) ask my doctor for the anti-depressant I thought appropriate, wellbutrin. It was the right one.

Some additional info about ritalin. Though it’s a huge help and no one can dissuade me from that, there are side effects. One in particular relates to depression. Over time, ritalin can short-circuit the brain’s reward system. I’m no authority, but my understanding is that ritalin depletes the brain’s ability to properly channel dopamine (neurotransmitter that controls pleasure).


Wellbutrin is complimentary for some of us with ADD who take ritalin long-term. It's a complex drug, as no one knows for sure the exact course of action. But whatever else it does, it increases the brain’s ability to channel dopamine. It also improves focus. Some people shouldn't take it (it can increase anxiety) but for me, it helped lift an incapacitating depression, as did coaching by a person I could hear. Before that, I had a big chip on shoulder, was arrogant, didn’t think anyone with less education could help me. I’ve never been so wrong!!!!!!! I’d spent 8 years in 20s in therapy and in late 20s, was educated/trained as psychotherapist.

What I learned in my 40s, as a result of depression, was that book knowledge re: mental health can be more harmful than helpful. As a person w/ADD, I’ve so badly wanted to fit, to belong, to have respite from feeling akin to (Spielberg’s) E.T. Much of the stuff in books is produced by NT people who don't even know ADD/ADHD exists. I wasted years searching for myself in books. Aside from finding the right medication, what I now believe helpful is having the right counselor/coach and friendship with others coping with ADD/ADHD. That is where you’ll find validation and have access to experiential knowledge. I didn’t see that until an ugly depression struck me.

This site offers great info and if you’d like other links on brain chemistry for lay people like us, send me a message. I agree with everything above. It’s imperative you share your extent of suffering with a qualified doctor. Depression can be seen on a continuum, the worst severity typified by despair, nary a shred of hope. I see that some wise comrades above have been there, as have I. Stay close to this site as there’s a wealth of thoughtful, creative, hard-to-define thoughts and feelings. And please write to us, we care about you.