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Non-ADD Partner Support This is a support forum for non-ADD partners, spouses, and significant others offering feedback from both the ADD and non-ADD perspectives

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  #1  
Old 01-23-19, 09:13 PM
Lostcreativeone Lostcreativeone is offline
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Scared, alone and trying to help

I'm at my husband in 2016 and we were married by the end of the year. He was very upfront with his ADD and learning disability. We have created a lovely life together with a house, a child, pets, jobs, etc. I know that he is the right person for me.
My husband does not use any medication, in fact he is very against stimulant drugs like Adderall and Ritalin. He had horrible experiences as a child and young adult that has made him swore not to take it again. The drugs made him aggressive and he said he felt like a zombie.
Now the struggle comes with his jobs. Early 2018 he got a new job at a potato chip plant. He was let go before his 90 days for under performance.his trainer did not like him and lied on his review which led to his termination. He got a new job 2 weeks later and He is the breadwinner in our house again. He has a job in a distribution center picking parts. He is fairly new at the job. He says that he is struggling to keep up with the expectations in one portion of the job and is scared of getting warnings and eventually fired. He says that every job that he has ever had he is always the slow one to pick it up. He says that his managers and supervisors get frustrated with him because he asks a lot of questions. He is incredibly hard on himself.
When he calls me upset at work, I tried to help talk him through it and be positive. But deep down I am terrified that he will lose his job and we will face criticism from my family and be put through financial hardship again. I'm not sure how I can help him. II am afraid to talk to my friends or my family about this in fear of judgement. I have suggested going back to the doctor to find an alternative treatments. I guess I am on here to see if anyone has had a similar experience
, Sought out alternative treatments and what I can do as a spouse to help him to the best of my ability.
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Old 01-23-19, 10:29 PM
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Greyhound1 Greyhound1 is offline
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Re: Scared, alone and trying to help

Hey, welcome to the forum!

Do you or he feel his work difficulties are mainly related to his learning disability, ADHD or both?

In my opinion, treating his ADHD would probably be very beneficial for work. There are also more options than just stimulants, if that’s his opposition to treatment. Many people benefit from different types of treatments and therapy such as CBT, counseling, meditation, learning and practicing mindfulness and others.

There are also non-stimulant medications used for treating ADHD. Hopefully, getting his ADHD under control will be enough to excel at work. Unfortunately, these won’t help much with a learning disability.

Perhaps, you can get your man to join the forum. He’ll be amazed how many here can relate and offer advice and support with his issues.

Best of luck and well wishes.
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Old 01-23-19, 11:25 PM
acdc01 acdc01 is offline
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Re: Scared, alone and trying to help

I agree with greyhound. Maybe he could benefit from being on a forum. And maybe try a nonstimulant medication as well.

Also, would it make sense for you to get a job as well? It would lessen financial fears though I'm not really sure if at this new job he's truly doing bad or if his negative self-esteem is affecting his perception of his performance.

Good luck and welcome.
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Old 03-05-19, 02:49 AM
LeighWolf LeighWolf is offline
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Re: Scared, alone and trying to help

Meds when you're a kid are quite different when you're an adult. And no, I don't mean the old "stimulants do the opposite with children" meme. I assume it isn't known what dosages he tried. Could have been incorrect dosing. Or perhaps he was on something else with it. It sounds like he may also have a mood disorder and/or OCD but I don't want to read into anything. It's tricky to peel back the layers when someone has symptoms that could fit with several disorders. Many times the mood problems and social/work problems can be resolved just by treating ADHD, but sometimes you have to begin with the moods or behaviors alone. Even if that's just treating symptoms and not a formal disorder. That can be sorted out later when he reaches "ok".

I hate to even say it, but he just has to (in my humble estimation) get over the no stimulants thing. I hear you that there was a bad experience. Or there were a few. But what variables contributed to that? I'd want to know before I decided to forego the possibility of getting my life under some kind of control. Non-stimulants can work well for some people, but if he were sitting in front of me, I'd need to know the answers to the other stuff before suggesting a single medication trial. You only get so many chances before remission rates plummet, especially if there's a co-morbid disorder that gets missed.

The goal of medication is to function. If it's a crutch, so be it. If you (he in this case) failed a medication, find out why. And get him on this forum. At least as a lurker. There are a lot of very clever and warm people here who have unique insights to share. Good luck.

PS-You can't afford to be alone in this either. Mental illness and neurodevelopmental differences are very hard on people who live with those diagnoses. But sometimes they are even harder on family and friends who do not have a diagnosis. I hope you find peace.

Edit: I don't know why, but I'm bothered by what you wrote about going back to the doctor. It could be he needs to see someone else. I don't know if this is a generalist or psychiatrist, but if there is any question of ADHD, it is my opinion that most practitioners aren't going to navigate this well. If he has already failed treatments and his life is really falling apart, he needs to see an ADHD specialist. If at all possible. If not, see a psychiatrist who sees children and adults. As I said, symptoms can look like one thing and be another. I'm linking a tool that appears to just flat out diagnose ADHD. It doesn't. It's just a tool, and it's not one of the most commonly used ones, either. What I like about it is that it is so specific in describing experiences that we often have trouble putting into words. An honest person will answer it in such a way that it will give much more than it appears to. But I can't help you with that part. Just have him fill it out and go find someone to look it over with him.

http://www.divacenter.eu/Content/Ver...0invulbaar.pdf

Last edited by LeighWolf; 03-05-19 at 03:00 AM.. Reason: Going out on a limb
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