ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community  

Go Back   ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community > TREATMENT & MANAGEMENT > Meditation and Spirituality
Register Blogs FAQ Chat Members List Calendar Donate Gallery Arcade Mark Forums Read

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old 05-01-17, 02:36 PM
Hermus's Avatar
Hermus Hermus is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Nijmegen, Netherlands
Posts: 2,796
Thanks: 2,224
Thanked 5,413 Times in 2,322 Posts
Hermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond repute
Re: The Traditional 12-Step Thread

Admittedly. The last two women I've been intimate with were quite attractive. But then I still had the advantage of the alcohol, which made it easier for me to interact with women and made me less insecure.
__________________
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Carl Rogers
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Hermus For This Useful Post:
Letching Gray (05-01-17)
  #32  
Old 05-01-17, 07:39 PM
Letching Gray Letching Gray is offline
Banned
 

Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Miami
Posts: 937
Thanks: 1,278
Thanked 684 Times in 400 Posts
Letching Gray has much to be proud ofLetching Gray has much to be proud ofLetching Gray has much to be proud ofLetching Gray has much to be proud ofLetching Gray has much to be proud ofLetching Gray has much to be proud ofLetching Gray has much to be proud ofLetching Gray has much to be proud of
Re: The Traditional 12-Step Thread

Quote:
To be completely honest: In real life I'm quite an oddball. Different people have literally said that to me, adding that they found out I'm a really awesome person. That's one of my greatest insecurities, the believe that attractive women want the cool guy of the group, not the odd one. Who I am on this forum really doesn't say a lot about who I am in real life.
People love oddballs, including women.

You are right that you are not your real self here. No one is. You are more real here, and you are learning that the real you deserves good things like sobriety. Who you are here is one brave man. Vulnerable, truthful, smart. Being an oddball is a negative? Like Robin Williams? Cosmo Kramer? Charles Bronson? Charlie Sheen? Leonard Nimoy? There's a zillion oddballs who women adore.

Minus the addiction and adding the new you, you cannot know right now how much you are growing into the person you will like and respect and trust. You are shedding the old and taking on a new person you don't know yet.
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 05-02-17, 06:57 AM
Hermus's Avatar
Hermus Hermus is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Nijmegen, Netherlands
Posts: 2,796
Thanks: 2,224
Thanked 5,413 Times in 2,322 Posts
Hermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond repute
Re: The Traditional 12-Step Thread

My HP arranged that I would walk into my ex today. I was at the university to have coffee with friends and all of a sudden C came walking by. Having to face her was the moment I had feared since rehab. But actually seeing her caused very little reaction in me. My hard didn't jump, I didn't feel elated or sad. There was just another person walking there, who I felt very little towards. So I just greeted her by saying 'Hi C' and walked on.

It made me realize that the feelings and resentments I still have, have nothing to do with who she is now but are only an attachment to things that once were. But now my addiction is playing up a bit again. I fantasize about her doing something she has done multiple times in the past, namely getting drunk and then all of a sudden coming over for sex. I think I wouldn't say no to that after not having had sex for 7 months.

Knowing her it doesn't require more than a short email asking her how she is doing to put the whole wheel in motion again!
__________________
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Carl Rogers

Last edited by Hermus; 05-02-17 at 07:15 AM..
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Hermus For This Useful Post:
Letching Gray (05-03-17)
Sponsored Links
  #34  
Old 05-02-17, 07:50 AM
Hermus's Avatar
Hermus Hermus is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Nijmegen, Netherlands
Posts: 2,796
Thanks: 2,224
Thanked 5,413 Times in 2,322 Posts
Hermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond repute
Re: The Traditional 12-Step Thread

Seeing my ex does reveal some things about my motivation. One is the plain old sex drive. I would love to just have sex with a woman again, no matter whether that is my ex or not. Another thing is that she was walking there with another guy. I'm not particularly jealous, but if I could compromise my ex and in that way mess with their relationship that would give me so much power and control over their lives. My addiction loves that thought.
__________________
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Carl Rogers
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Hermus For This Useful Post:
Letching Gray (05-03-17)
  #35  
Old 05-02-17, 10:57 AM
Hermus's Avatar
Hermus Hermus is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Nijmegen, Netherlands
Posts: 2,796
Thanks: 2,224
Thanked 5,413 Times in 2,322 Posts
Hermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond repute
Re: The Traditional 12-Step Thread

Step 4 says: "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." That's the step I'm currently working on. What I already know, but what I started to realize more through the steps is that I have been avoidant in the past. I never dared to speak out my feelings towards women and this perpetuated the cycle of feeling isolated, lonely and inadequate. In the end some dating apps or a lot of alcohol made it possible to show sexual feelings, but other feelings were even more difficult.

I think one of my major problems is that I honestly don't know how to express interest in a woman, without sounding off putting. That's a major struggle and something that is going to be problematic for my recovery.
__________________
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Carl Rogers
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Hermus For This Useful Post:
Letching Gray (05-03-17)
  #36  
Old 05-03-17, 12:57 AM
Letching Gray Letching Gray is offline
Banned
 

Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Miami
Posts: 937
Thanks: 1,278
Thanked 684 Times in 400 Posts
Letching Gray has much to be proud ofLetching Gray has much to be proud ofLetching Gray has much to be proud ofLetching Gray has much to be proud ofLetching Gray has much to be proud ofLetching Gray has much to be proud ofLetching Gray has much to be proud ofLetching Gray has much to be proud of
Re: The Traditional 12-Step Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hermus View Post
Step 4 says: "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." That's the step I'm currently working on. What I already know, but what I started to realize more through the steps is that I have been avoidant in the past. I never dared to speak out my feelings towards women and this perpetuated the cycle of feeling isolated, lonely and inadequate. In the end some dating apps or a lot of alcohol made it possible to show sexual feelings, but other feelings were even more difficult.

I think one of my major problems is that I honestly don't know how to express interest in a woman, without sounding off putting. That's a major struggle and something that is going to be problematic for my recovery.
You are a fan of Larry David? Do you know who played him on Seinfeld?

"The last two women I've been intimate with were quite attractive. But then I still had the advantage of the alcohol, which made it easier for me to interact with women and made me less insecure."

Alcohol masked the insecurity momentarily leaving you scratching your head wondering how to approach the opposite sex. It stole another day from you. You would have had another day to grow.

The most ironic thing you said is that the last two girls were attractive. Can you look at that and not get how wild that statement is? And, do you think they were really drawn to the intoxicated Herms? more than they would be to the clear headed one?

No one knows what to say or how to act around a girl they like at first. And many girls don't want a rehearsed line or two to start things off. They can tell it is just bull, anyway.
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 05-03-17, 02:07 AM
Hermus's Avatar
Hermus Hermus is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Nijmegen, Netherlands
Posts: 2,796
Thanks: 2,224
Thanked 5,413 Times in 2,322 Posts
Hermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond reputeHermus has a reputation beyond repute
Re: The Traditional 12-Step Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Letching Gray View Post
You are a fan of Larry David? Do you know who played him on Seinfeld?
Not really a fan. Just saw the quote and I thought it was hilarious.

Quote:
"The last two women I've been intimate with were quite attractive. But then I still had the advantage of the alcohol, which made it easier for me to interact with women and made me less insecure."

Alcohol masked the insecurity momentarily leaving you scratching your head wondering how to approach the opposite sex. It stole another day from you. You would have had another day to grow.

The most ironic thing you said is that the last two girls were attractive. Can you look at that and not get how wild that statement is? And, do you think they were really drawn to the intoxicated Herms? more than they would be to the clear headed one?
The fact is that I could let go of the shame that normally blocked me while being intoxicated. One I only met that night. I was flat-out drunk and started to be quite cocky and dominant. I directed her exactly about what was going to happen and what I wanted and she was okay with it. After making out heavily I straight-out told her, more as a matter of fact than as a question: "We're going home". I don't even remember all the details of what happened, but she later told me that she had to laugh out loud about me being so blunt and thought: "Well, this guy has guts. This is going to be a fun night." I could never be that bold and upfront about my intentions when sober.

Second one first approached me through Facebook about a party we were both going to. So I already felt quite safe getting it on and then at a point I just stroked her hair and started to make out with her. Not exactly what she had intended since she was in a relationship, but she went along because as she said I was a great kisser. That kind of move I wouldn't dare to make without having had a few drinks. Way too much chance of rejection. For a long time I even was avoidant when drunk, but it seems like at a certain point I became quite dominant when drunk and that worked for me. (Important note for guys: There is a difference between being dominant and being rapey. A confident and dominant guy also knows how to take no for an answer.)

Quote:
No one knows what to say or how to act around a girl they like at first. And many girls don't want a rehearsed line or two to start things off. They can tell it is just bull, anyway.
Yeah, I don't know either. And the thing I do when sober is avoiding. 'I don't know what to say. Anything that I say will come out stupid. So instead I shut my mouth and avoid'. Don't know whether I can do the things that work for me when being sober from alcohol.

So yeah, I've got some skills. But I don't manage to unlock them without alcohol.
__________________
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Carl Rogers
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Hermus For This Useful Post:
Letching Gray (05-03-17)
  #38  
Old 05-04-17, 06:11 PM
dvdnvwls dvdnvwls is offline
Mr. BllVt
 

Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Anywhere I can
Posts: 14,917
Thanks: 1,278
Thanked 17,952 Times in 9,009 Posts
dvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond repute
Re: The Traditional 12-Step Thread

Unlocking with alcohol:

Alcohol shuts down your filters, allowing you to say and do things that when sober you would dismiss as bad ideas.

Your feelings and your desires are not bad ideas, but you have had some experiences where you said or did something stupid (which of course we all have done). And you felt so bad about whatever stupid thing you once did, that you created and activated a new filter-setting: "Nothing Gets Through".

So then you're stuck. You can't say or do anything, not even good things, because your filters are in permanent lockdown mode. And you don't trust yourself to change the filters to a more reasonable setting. So... Alcohol. Because alcohol disables the filters and lets it all happen, even the stupid stuff.


Filter reset, while sober, allows you to use other settings, like "Be Careful, I'm At Work" or "This Woman And I Seem Quite Interested In Each Other So Let's See What Happens".

Those other filter settings can be quite nice, once you get used to them again.
__________________
Postmodernism, the school of 'thought' that proclaimed 'There are no truths, only interpretations' has largely played itself out in absurdity, but it has left behind a generation of academics in the humanities disabled by their distrust of the very idea of truth and their disrespect for evidence, settling for 'conversations' in which nobody is wrong and nothing can be confirmed, only asserted with whatever style you can muster.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to dvdnvwls For This Useful Post:
Hermus (05-07-17)
Reply

Bookmarks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Combining all my poetry into one thread Nucking_Futs Poetry 0 10-13-04 02:11 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 02:25 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
(c) 2003 - 2015 ADD Forums