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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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  #1  
Old 06-25-09, 01:23 AM
DudeMan DudeMan is offline
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My friend has adult ADD

A guy who has become somewhat of a good friend of mine has add he has had it his whole life. He is is a good guy but sometimes I find it hard to be his friend. He will cut me off when I'm talking, cancel plans sometimes, once he did something very impulsive that just flat out ****ed me off, has a temper, he has never gotten mad at me but at other people who seem to look down on him for his behavior.

Anyways I'm curious what you guys opinion is, is this behavior somewhat typical of a person with add? If so do you have any advice for me to better be his friend?

Thanks.
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Old 06-25-09, 10:02 AM
PedroDaGr8 PedroDaGr8 is offline
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Re: My friend has adult ADD

The cutting you off when you are talking is VERY much an ADD trait. It comes from two things; the first is that ADD causes a lack of impulse control meaning when something wants to be said it comes out, the second is that ADDers minds race very fast and often if the wait to say something, by the time the proper time comes they have COMPLETELY forgotten what it was they were going to say.

The temper is not, atleast for me. It maybe something that is a response to being treated like crap for having ADD, ya know? If you get treated like crap about something long enough, you develop a chip on your sholder.
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Old 06-25-09, 10:17 AM
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Re: My friend has adult ADD

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Originally Posted by DudeMan View Post
A guy who has become somewhat of a good friend of mine has add he has had it his whole life. He is is a good guy but sometimes I find it hard to be his friend. He will cut me off when I'm talking, cancel plans sometimes, once he did something very impulsive that just flat out ****ed me off, has a temper, he has never gotten mad at me but at other people who seem to look down on him for his behavior.

Anyways I'm curious what you guys opinion is, is this behavior somewhat typical of a person with add? If so do you have any advice for me to better be his friend?

Thanks.
First, congrats for being such a caring person. If most NTers would bother to do the same as you, many more ADDers would have solid friendships.

I think the best thing you can do to be his friend is continue doing what you are doing....educate yourself on the condition so you know what to look out for. You'll begin to recognize certain patterns (such as the interruptions) and make sense of them. As for the canceling of plans, get used to it. ADDers have a difficult time adhering to schedules and what may seem like a good idea two days ago may not seem like that when the time comes for action.

Try not to take these slights personally......we don't do it to hurt your feelings, it's just part of the ADD package.

Again, kudos on your efforts!

Take care.
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Old 06-25-09, 01:04 PM
No Excuses No Excuses is offline
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Re: My friend has adult ADD

If you want to help him with the cutting you off thing, humor always helps. Just say at some time, calmly and observationally without any intonation of judgment, something like "hey man, I notice sometimes that you have a tendency to keep me from finishing my thoughts. Could you do me a favor and keep an eye out for that?" Usually, no one will react negatively to that (and if they do, well, it's time to reconsider keeping such a negative source of energy in your life), and next time it happens, because it will, just chuckle good-naturedly and say "hey, remember what I said about not letting me finish? You're doing it again." A good friend will take a second to reflect, realize what just happened, and most likely apologize and let you finish.

After a while, you'll probably notice this less and less, and you'll have helped him out immensely - believe you me, you're not the only one who'll benefit by his having better social skills.

So far as canceling plans - just the nature of the beast. Things come up, it's part of life.
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Old 06-25-09, 01:45 PM
haylookachicken haylookachicken is offline
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Re: My friend has adult ADD

the angor is the med im on concerta and i get so arngy at nothing wile on the meds
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Old 06-25-09, 05:18 PM
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DeLL DeLL is offline
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Re: My friend has adult ADD

Yeah, pretty much everything you described, I do myself. The only time I have a temper is when I am "hyperfocusing" on something and that focus gets broken. My best friend caught onto the making and breaking plans thing and usually didn't tell me about plans until an hour or so before, so I wouldn't forget. Usually if I already had plans I would remember and let him know I already had plans. I don't know if that strategy will work with you, but it could be worth a shot.
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Old 06-25-09, 07:21 PM
DudeMan DudeMan is offline
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Re: My friend has adult ADD

Thanks for all the advice so far.
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Old 06-26-09, 09:59 AM
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Re: My friend has adult ADD

I think what others said about not taking what he does personally is a good start. Communication with an ADHDer really means to say 'whoa.. put a brake on them wild horses that is your brain and think about what you want to say.' I'll go off talking 100 miles per hour, but if someone were to just say 'slow down' I will.

You can also call him on his not so great habits. I'm willing to bet he doesn't even realize what he is doing is rude/impolite. So if he cuts you off just say, 'hey wait a sec.. I was talking please.' ADHD certainly doesn't give you a green pass for being a thug!
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Old 06-27-09, 08:57 AM
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Re: My friend has adult ADD

I think its awesome that you care enough about your friendship to try to find ways to save it.
As an ADDer who has done to my friends all of the things you describe (and then some) I also want to point out the obvious that ADD or no-ADD, friendship is a two way street and while its great that you are trying to learn more and be understanding it is his responsibility to keep his side of the street as debris-free as possible. For me, some days are better than others. Maybe you can ask him to be honest with you about how he's feeling on a particular day and if he's having a bad one, you might want to put off plans until later or tomorrow.
Remember, you are his friend NOT his therapist. If he's having issues with his meds or needs additional treatment it is his responsibility to load up his own toolbox.
Some things about ADD make us very COOL and Fun and Interesting people - some things about being people make us very UNCOOL its his job to sort the wheat from the chaff. You can help him but you can't fix him. Also, just remember he will NEVER be non-ADD.
I also tell my friends that there are several frustrations about being my friend but the benefits are: I AM ALWAYS ON YOUR SIDE (I'll tell them if I think they're wrong about something - but I'll always back them up), I AM VERY FUNNY, and full of surprises. If the benefits of your friendship outweigh the crap then its a keeper!!!
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