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Old 08-10-17, 09:54 PM
Lostandconfused Lostandconfused is offline

Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Australia Melbourne
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Please I need some clarity

Hi there, I'm a 45 year old single father of 2 young children. Separated for 2 and half years.

A bit of my back ground.

Every since I was a child my teachers would say that I fidget a lot and day dream. If only he applied him self because he is smart. Before that my parents took me to pediatrician when I was 4 because my parents said I was hyperactive. Another family friend mentioned when he was tutoring me he said I was always walking around annoying other students in the tutoring room. So there is some of it. Didn't make many friends in primary school and didn't understand why. I didn't care I had my cousins and family friends. I didn't have a lot of confidence. My parents always called me lazy. Nothing could get through when I was in class as I was always distracted. I didn't like confrontation and I was very sensitive to rejection and criticism. I always internalised it. As I grew up my grades became worse. I wouldn't complete homework. I had this idea of how it would look but never did it. My parents thought I was stupid. Lazy! I remember being disciplined a lot by them. I lived in my own world. I'd have cousins stay over for weekends and when they left I felt sad and lonely. I was always active and could play most sports very well.

As I grew up to become a teenager I became a little rebellious but didn't have confidence. All my peers were getting ahead and knuckling down and maybe had some idea as to what they wanted to do. Not once did I know what I wanted to do. Didn't like school but never left because my parents had high expectations. I'd get bored easily. Making model planes and cars, riding my bike and drawing cars were my favourite thing. I was told to get a part time job but my self confidence was just not there. I was frightened of being rejected. I hid it all through bravado. My relationship with my parents was very strained. Hated school. Just didn't fit in. As I finished school I still had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do. I failed yr 12 and felt useless. I wanted to do architecture but didn't have the grades. I could just draw. I always felt like the inferior one with friends.

Move on into college and only because my mum got me into a course. Love it but not because of the course but that sense of freedom that I felt. I had a car and I was studying. Yet still I had better things to do than go to school. Cars friends and fun. Then girls came a long and I discovered I was good looking. Met new friends and neglected my old ones. I don't know why. Didn't think they were cool.

My parents had a business and I just assumed that they were eventually going to pass it on to me but it all fell apart after they sold their half to my uncle and his family. I became even more lost I didn't know what to do. I lived Day by day.
I was worried. I have always been a worrier. Everything was internalised. My then girlfriend told me that if I didnt get a job she'd leave. So I went to work for another uncle. Had a steady stream of income but still had low self esteem. I was worried they catch me out as a fraud. Total lack of confidence. Come 1995 96 and 97 I get myself become more anxious. Panic attacks were coming. At first I just walk up and down and waited till it subsided and then didn't think much of it. Then came 97 and I was seeing two girls. My ex and a new girl. The panic attacks became worse, to the point I went to hospital. Suffice to say the last one blew me away and I felt my mood slowly disappear. My mind started to race at 100miles an hour and my head felt like it was hurting. My anxiety levels went through the roof. I was crying because I had no idea what was going on. The nervousness was at 11. I was later diagnosed with major depression with anxiety. Started on medication and got better but never was I the same again. I became lethargic, very disconnected from my long term girlfriend and put on weight. Two years later she left me because I just couldn't see a future with her.

I was devastated. Went into a depression and grief. My moods were all I've the shop that would last for a week then I would feel better for weeks and then bang! I'd feel crap for another week. This yo yo moods went for 8 months till it stopped and I felt light again. I working in a hospitality with my family as we bought a business the year before. I embraced my new found freedom and enjoyed my own time. I met my future wife in 2002 and we didn't get together till the end of 2004. I was in a better place and generally happy. We lived together and then we got married in 2009. I didn't want to lose her and I was always worried she'd leave. 2010 saw the birth of my son and I felt weird after that. I felt different. There was structure. I didnt like structure. I felt a little trapped. But our marriage was still good. Then our daughter was born the following year. I felt a change again and I felt different. Like the closeness of the relationship had gone away. Then in 2012 I had a routine surgery to get rid of my gallbladder and my surgeon told be there was an abnormality in my liver which he diagnosed as bilary duct cancer. My reaction was the interesting part. This anxiety just blew me away!! I couldn't control it. I couldn't control my emotions. I became diasbled by it and utterly sad and frighten about dying. Second opion later and it was nothing. I felt better. 2014 rolled around and I had a prostate check and still having my cancer misdiagnosis firmly in my mind yet again the anxiety and sadness came again at full force. My psychiatrist said it would eventually pass and he said my antidepressants wouldn't help. He gave me some anti anxiety . I couldn't control it. Nothing I did helped. I was constantly seeking assurance from doctors, people and friends. I was utterly frightened. My whole year was a wipe off. 2015 rolled around my wife decided to separate. I was worried that this would tip me over The edge. But instead, it made me forget about 2014 and worry about getting her back. I was consumed by it. I was sad. I was broken hearted. I was devastated. My life revolved around getting her back. Yet again my emotions went like a yo yo. I couldn't get a hold of them. Nothing I learnt stuck. Only meditation.

The last six months for me have been a better place and the yo yo weeks had stopped. I'm very sensitive and can live in my own little world. Then a month ago, I decided to leave the business and try something new. I finished on a Sunday and I felt a little sad over the weekend. Come Monday I fell to pieces again. I couldn't control my sadness. I felt lost and sad. Sad for what I was leaving behind and all that happened over the last 17 years.

That first week I decided to go and see my psychiatrist who I had not seen for a year and a half. I asked him about possibly having ADHD and he said he had an inkling.

So I started on my low dose of dexamphetamine and it got better slowly. Gradually built it up to 10mg first thing in the morning 10mg at lunch and 5mg in the afternoon. Then Monday I did the yo yo thing again. This time there is more nervousness/anxiety and sadness.

I'm tired. This is not fair on my children. I don't like taking medication and I've been taking an antidepressant for 20 years now. I'm so sensitive to big events and my mind doesn't have the capacity to regulate it. None whatsoever.

Please help. I'd appreciate your feedback please 🙏

Dying over here. I want some normality.
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