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Old 06-11-11, 06:58 PM
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I finally saw a psychiatrist, but I'm feeling a lot worse in ways.

The reality of treatment and therapy has hit me. I don't mind it that much, I'm living on unemployment for the next 3 months while I see my psychiatrist and her assistant psych in training. This past week we spoke lots and I got tested for my thyroid and my B12 levels. I'm going to slowly start therapy soon and I might be taking an antidepressant or antipsychotic. I explained my history with Zoloft (choosing to not care about things, feeling very tired, restless, insert 10 more side effects here).

I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and only that. I still have inattentive ADD, and I feel it every moment of every day. It's nothing new obviously and I've just learned to live with it. The problem is that I believe I have a mood or personality disorder strongly. I experience mood shifts up to 20 times a day, no joke, and I seem to be playing head games of having profound grandiosity and insight with myself. I know the difference. The psychiatrist is working on my ever increasing social anxiety firstly. It has returned after having left for a good while since High School which was 4 years ago. It's gotten so bad and it's very mental. Just fearing or thinking about something creates many physical pains and moments of panic. This has not gone away in months. It has only worsened, despite forcifully changing my lifestyle in many ways.

They crossed out bi-polar, and I mentioned borderline personality disorder, which I strongly believe I have to a T. Every detail is me.

In any case, lately I find myself losing hope that I'll get better. Having something like BPD+ADD seems like something you live with. It doesn't sound like it gets easier from what I've read. I'm at the point where I want to give up, but I don't have the balls to, nor do I have the mindset to, but I feel this way everyday. The smallest things seem amplified and so difficult to me. Everyday I see my friends and family go to work, go to school or spend a lot of time outdoors, or around others socializing. Anything that seems easy, or once was, just, always seems difficult and nerve wrecking.

I felt anxiety free last night for example and could have very well gone to a party or something. Last night was one of my manic periods or whatever the Doctor called them. Random happiness with no anxiety and control for a few hours, then it's gone for days, weeks, months sometimes. Even so though, I felt very distant towards others. It's like I didn't want to bother. I'm still depressed, but making progress gives me better moods sometime, but this time, I just didn't want to even bother. I feel like I have a strong distaste towards people in general lately. All of this greed, these stereotypes, judgments, and people who seem to healthy mind who always seem to give me **** for having anything wrong with me, because I seem fine.

It's like I'm damning myself because I don't want to be apart of this world in ways. I realize the control the banks and world leaders have. I realize that we virtually have no rights. They're being stripped daily, and even if you say a word (google any of the recent protests), you can see clearly that the police are practicing mass enforcement and crowd control.

We're reaching the age now of an impending major depression (at this rate) and an overpopulated world where I feel, opinions mean a lot less.

I don't even want to get on world topics because they flare me up so much. All I know is that this isn't a world/time I would of chosen to be born into if I had the choice.
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Old 06-11-11, 09:03 PM
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Re: I finally saw a psychiatrist, but I'm feeling a lot worse in ways.

You certainly do sound rather overwhelmed at looking at the big picture, which I personally think is a very add trait for some.

Hang in there, you're seeking help from the right kind of professional and as much as it takes time and perseverence, with any luck you will make progress.
When life hands you a lemon say, "oh yeah I like lemons, what else you got?"- Henry Rollins

The value of a thing lies not in what one attains with it but it what it one pays for it, what it costs us- Nietzsche
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