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Old 05-25-12, 12:19 AM
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Lightbulb Crazy moment of clarity

Im gonna try my best to wrangle these thoughts onto paper, here goes...
Well I was diagnosed with adhd a little over a year earlier and have been dealing with drug addiction on and off for 12 years.
I've been prescribed a the non-stims with no success and finally came to adderall about a year ago with enough degree to say thats enough med searching
Recently after a relapse on opiates that continued from last fall through the beginning of march, I dealt with alot more anxiety than normal and relapsed again on meth, which i havent used in almost 2 years, just a week ago.
In a crazy moment of clarity during some time in the comedown I realized why I used meth for 3 years... I realized that my mind was clear, I could think clearly!!! I realized that it wasn't that I had destroyed my brain so much that I couldn't think, it was because of my incredibly bad adhd and the havoc that it brought into my life, potentiating my addiction through these very IMPULSIVE actions.
So, now being enlightened of my life situation through this moment of clarity, the reason my addiction existed in the first place is due to my adhd not being treated at a young age, igniting and fueling an addiction that I was genetically predisposed to. Seems pretty simple of a conclusion which is why it makes me so utterly filled with the purest joy i've truly ever felt im my whole life and, it rips my soul in two, knowing on both hands, that my addiction could have been halted earlier in my life if I had just sought the correct medical treatments!!!
So my new attack angle is getting a handle on my adhd and controlling my impulsivity, and achieving a certain degree of mental clarity so I can deal with my thoughts. This brings me to my last hurdle in this nightmare (I hope) is that I just haven't quiet found the correct adhd medication yet. Really, the only one I havent tried is desoxyn. So I'm going to my psych in a few days and am going to tell him about my relapse, and then tell him we need to look into different meds, and knowing my own doc, he'll ask me what I think I should try. I'm bringing my mother in with me just because she knows alot about addiction and knows quiet a bit about adhd with my dad being a recovering addict and recently diagnosed adhd, so she is a good supporter of me and knows that I'm only looking for help in medication and not seeking another high through desoxyn and fully supports me being on methamphetamine if she knows its going to help my adhd.
Also, another dead ringer is that I''ve been able to control is my adhd medication, I just never saw the abuse potential in them.
I actually only used a gram of meth every month for the first 6 months of my meth use, until i realized it was good for porn but thats a whole different story.
So in my moment of clarity I realized that in order to control my addiction I need to get control of my adhd. This and knowing that my addiction STOLE MY LIFE!!! And realizing fully that this can be controlled, not by me, becuase I have tried controlling it way too many times to understand why I kept falling back, but controlled by a medication. It just makes too much sense and really makes me sad that I, or someone close to me, hadn't seen these connections earlier Oh well, I can only do the best I can with what I know how. If I had known these solutions earlier in life, surely, I would have adopted them... right?
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Old 05-25-12, 12:27 AM
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Re: Crazy moment of clarity

I think its a pretty common story in general, not you specifically, but I think its common for undiagnosed people with ADHD to self-medicate. Ive done my share of abuse in the past. I think its great that you have found a focus for treatment, and I agree that getting help with the ADHD will help you regain control of your life. There is always hope. I wish you the very best
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Old 05-25-12, 03:35 AM
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Re: Crazy moment of clarity

Ive talked to meth addicts and everyone says desoxyn stinks for symptom control. Post this in desoxyn forum, you'll see, trying to help u not hang yourself. Also, mommy is a bad idea unless you are 12?

Last edited by AddYourAll; 05-25-12 at 03:46 AM..
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Old 05-25-12, 01:33 PM
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Re: Crazy moment of clarity

Well I'll be convinced its not for me after I find out if doesnty work for MY INDIVIDUAL symptom control (If its one thing I've learned about adhd is that everyone is different and responds differently to different meds) I guess my point of this whole thing is to realize that my adhd is fueling my addiction and in order to get ahold of my addiction, I need to first get my adhd under contol. Because stopping it any other way in the past has failed miserably, even though I've TRULY wanted to quit using.
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