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Old 07-14-04, 09:15 AM
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ADDer wonders...Am I a horrible person?

Hi All,

I wrote a while back about a terrible time I'm going through after losing my Dad and then my Mom having to have a tumor removed from her head. I'm now seeing a Psychologist and on 100 mill. Zoloft and also on Buspar. I've been an absolute mess. I have anxiety attacks almost every morning when I wake up. I can hardly eat and have lost over 10 lbs. in less then 2 months. I feel like I don't want to live here anymore. I live around the corner from my Mother and am so unhappy now that my father is gone. I feel all kinds of guilt because I want my life like it was. I've been reading a book about relationships after a death and I guess I have issues with my Mom and they came to the surface after my fathers death.

I now feel sick when I am around her. I barely made it through the surgery. My sisters have done much more for her then me. I feel bad but it's so hard for me to talk to her now or see her. She knows I am having problems and stopped pushing me. She is so needy it terrifies me. I don't want to be her parent or her child and I don't want to be her best friend. All I want is just for things to normal again. I did used to go over the house a few times a week when my Dad was alive and my mother reminded me of that but things are different now. My buffer is gone. I'm going to try to talk to her on the phone a few times a week and stop over once or so a week. I am hopeing she can accept that because it is all I can handle for now. Am I an evil person? I know this hurts her but it's all I can handle. I wish I could move further away from her because I feel guilt and anxiety whenever I'm home because I know she's around the corner alone. I don't want to be there every day but she'd have it that way if she could. My sisters have totally babied her and I don't know if she'll ever find her own life.

In the meantime I am emotionally, mentally and physically sick most of the time and I know the ADD doesn't help. The anti-depressents are the only things that is keeping me sane. The one plus though is that the Zoloft keeps me from getting migraines. Sorry to go on so long. Was just wondering if anyone else has gone through this. Thanks for taking the time to read my post. Dee
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Old 07-14-04, 10:12 AM
aquachick_3 aquachick_3 is offline
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No you are not a horrible person!! I personally feel that we all deal with grief in our own way AND need to. I also think the fact that you have realized how you are feeling and are able to address it is a step in the right direction. Hang in there....... I'm sure things will get better.
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Old 07-14-04, 10:21 AM
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I agree it's a good sign that you can see what's going on (at least partly) and are dealing with it as best you can. This makes me think it will be a situation that will be resolved one way or another.
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Old 07-14-04, 12:23 PM
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You are not a terrible person!! You know your limit!! Good for you!!!
Many people with anxiety and depression don't understand when their emotional
plate is full. I know, I'm one of those people. I can't stop helping. I have made many people depended on me due to this. I'm learning now that other people's issues are not mine to resolve. I can be supportive but not to the state of making them dependent. You know your limit. I'm still finding mine. You are a great person!
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Old 07-14-04, 09:45 PM
gonetothedogs gonetothedogs is offline
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If you cant handle the stressors in your life, you CANT and shouldnt expect yourself to handle the stressors in other people's lives...it is natural to feel like you do when on overload...saying No, knowing your limits, all those kinds of things are necessary to good mental and physical health...

But lots of us feel guilt and anxiety when we are thrashing around drowning emotionally and or mentally...that we cant get lifepreservers for everyone we see that needs them...it just aint possible...like a true Baywatch rescuer, you have to be in good physical/mental shape, be calm, and swim like the dickens...

Only when we have our own inner strength built up, our minds balanced to remember the basics of lifesaving can we go forward to bouy up others around us successfully...if e try to founder around out there we go down as well as they do...

Go back to dogpaddling or even floating on your back when you have to for your own sanity and well being...as long as you keep your head above water, you are one less that others have to jump in for, right?

One small stroke for mankind, one big save for yourself...Sane selfishness will make you a super athelet in the long run (or was that swim?)
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Old 07-19-04, 11:03 AM
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You absolutely are not a horrible person in my opinion. I love my Mom, but sometimes it is very hard for me to be around her a long period of time. She, unfortunately, will not get a life of her own either. She doesn't drive, but never picks up the phone to call anyone unless I press her to. Not even her sister. You've been through a lot. You need time to heal yourself and then maybe you can deal with Mom. In my experience, it is better to stay away until I'm ready to talk to her or I'll say something I regret.
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Old 07-19-04, 11:25 AM
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You are a lot like me. So I certainly hope you aren't a bad person! You just don't cope with drastic changes well. You are deeply grieving for your father and like it or not being in that house, with the woman that is inseparable from him in your eyes is just a reminder of your loss. The fact that she has been through so much and you feel such obligation at the same time, just makes it harder on you because you are forcing yourself to endure what amounts to torture, to be there for your mother. This is admirable any way you slice it dear, but I am going to suggest something to you...

Right now, your mother has your sisters caring for her. They are all handling their greif in their way, and that way is working for them. You are clinically depressed, and the ADD with the sensitivity that goes with it makes this no easier. YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Perhaps you could speak to one of your sisters (if there is one you are particularly close to or have an easier time relating to), or even just your doctor, but you need to be given permission to do what you have to do to look after your self so that you can do so without feeling so guilt ridden. YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON! You will however be a very sick person if you keep beating the crap out of yourself putting others before your own most basic needs.

You will know when you are up to doing more for your mother. If your sisters and mother can't understand this, have them speak with your doctor or better still have your doctor approach them. I honestly can't see them holding it against you dear. You clearly loved your father a great deal, and you need to recover from his loss before anything else. We ADDers are sensitive folk. Trying to spread yourself too thin after a wounding like that could land you in the hospital yourself! Take care of yourself, please! You will be in my thoughts and have my best wishes.
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Old 07-19-04, 08:42 PM
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Thank you E-Boy and everyone for your kind posts. You are so right about everything you said. I don't cope with changes well at all. I am on Zoloft and I take anti-anxiety meds too if I need them. I think I really was heading for the hospital for a while there but with counciling and the medication I am feeling a little better. Seeing my Mom and feeling her dependence on me and my sisters really freaked me out plus being a reminder of the loss of my Dad. My sisters are now spending lots of time with my Mom and do really want me to get better. I have been taking baby steps and I did see her on Friday. I don't call her every day but try to every couple of days. My Mom is actually being pretty understanding now of how I'm feeling. Especially knowing how sick I've been. I lost over 10 lbs. in less then 2 months and wasn't sleeping much. My doctor upped my dosage of Zoloft and that seems to have helped.

To be honest, I think from day one my Seratonin level has always been low and the Zoloft has really started working along with seeing my psychologist. He also happens to be the one that has diagnosed my daughter with ADD and some other problems that I too have and apparently passed on to her. That is another issue I am dealing with too.

I take my daughter to see an Audiologist this Friday. After that we will have all the information we need to go and discuss with my daughter's school how to help her. I have to admit it was another kick in the teeth to hear that my daughter has the same problems I do but at least I know that I can just love her and help her and be there with her every step of the way. She is very bright and does well in school but has trouble hearing directions and focusing. Her teacher last year and our psychologist said that it will start effecting her grades soon if we don't help her immediately. So here we are. I'm so glad there is much more help at school and support groups, doctors and organizations then there was when I was a child.

I've got a lot on my plate right now but thank God I am slowly feeling better day by day. Thank you all so much for the supportive posts. They mean so much to me. I'll keep you all posted on how everything is going.
Your Friend, Dee

Last edited by ADDfor2; 07-19-04 at 08:48 PM..
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Old 07-20-04, 04:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ADDfor2
... thank God I am slowly feeling better day by day. ...
i'm so happy for you dee. you just made my day.

wheezie
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Old 07-20-04, 05:55 PM
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Ah, yes, I can really relate. My mother has been back and forth in hospitals, struggling with diabetes, high blood pressure, etc., etc. A lot of days she calls me in the room just to sit and look at her, and I don't want to do that. I don't know if it's psychological.
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Old 07-26-04, 08:48 AM
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MP, if these feelings continue to get worse and start to really affect your thinking and your life, you need to get some help. In order to help your Mom you need to take care of yourself. You also have to take breathers when you can and if there is someone else that can help you, let them take over for a little while if that is what you need. I know how hard it is to have a sick parent. Hang in there MP, here for ya when you need to talk. Dee
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Old 07-26-04, 09:35 AM
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Your not a bad person.....

It wasn't my parents but my grandparents that was the cause of my guilt. I'm sorry it wasn't like what your going through but I just want you to know I can understand your feelings.

My mother's mother and father where very close to us grewing up, we saw them every week. I was so much closer to my grandfather. My grandmother had a way of getting under my skin. When we visited them it was more to see my grandfather than her,so when he passed we didn't visit her much.

When my grandfather was near the end I spent hours sitting with him. My grandmother passed this pass Dec. I couldn't be with her near the end, I didn't feel the same way towords her. I miss my grandfather, still after 14 years and yet I don't miss my grandmother as much and it's been 8 months.

I felt and she was, self centered, materialistic and a needy person. I felt distant twords her for years. She caused me to have the issues in my life due to how she treated me.

My brother and sister got me about not visiting her and were angry with me about my "attitude" twords her. They would say stuff like " get over it she's old" or " just ignore what she says to you" They didn't have the some experence with her growning up as I did... It was my mom who total understood, she felt the same way about her mother and worse !

Sounds like your doing what you need for yourself, others don't always like it.

Hugs,
Paula

Last edited by fasttalkingmom; 07-26-04 at 09:40 AM..
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Old 03-24-17, 03:13 PM
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Re: ADDer wonders...Am I a horrible person?

U must set up boundaries with others always it's ok to say I must do me just not 24/7
From what I hear u saying u do not do change to well which is common with those who have autism all I can say is trying doing a charity set up in the name of your love ones memory and grief counseling is what u may need too . We all miss those we love once they are gone I lost both my grand fathers at 9 and at 10. So much so I gave my son my moms dads middle name . U can always go to MHMR for help they got Congnetive therapy and counseling both maybe u could make u a photo book of u with your dad and try to just focus on what was fun with dad and begin new events with just u and your mom it's very normal to miss those we love . U just need to say I'm missing dad right now so others understand Why u are so sad these dads . Try to be out doors at least 20 minutes per day this too helps fight off depression try taking vitamin D we tend to not say why we feel that emotion try this with others u talk to start each sentence using I feel what ever your emotion is at that very moment and why I am trying to work on doing sentences starting with who what where and why words with others so they can finally understand try to journal your emotions daily that gets them out . Make sure u eat healthy too that matters for the whole body and mind both . If u can't find the words to use draw out your feelings using photos instead . U might need to be on a SSRI med too just make sure your not low thyroid as well that alone can mess up emotions on any person too . Take u calcium and magnesium bed times it helps to be more relaxed to fall a sleep make sure u eating enough good oils daily as well which are brains all need too Ex u can add flax seed oil into smoothies we all need this to keep is loosned up cause medications can clog us up too
Many people will use herb teas even with their Meds and they too are a great help
Essential oils are great too many do them also which is good too natural oils can heal up past trauma to the mind too we all need us times too I'm finding strattera at bed time to help my nerve pain and getting up in the am easier too much of how we feel can be changed by eating things that are good and healthy too
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