ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community  

Go Back   ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community > ADULTS AND ADD/ADHD > Relationships & Social Issues
Register Blogs FAQ Chat Members List Calendar Donate Gallery Arcade Mark Forums Read

Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 06-14-17, 09:47 PM
willow129's Avatar
willow129 willow129 is offline
Moderator
 

Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 2,697
Blog Entries: 4
Thanks: 2,168
Thanked 4,031 Times in 1,960 Posts
willow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond repute
Endless saga of Willow's dating life: in which we meet a ?video game addict?

My school's end-of-year concert was today, it went great!

I met this guy a couple months ago, again, online dating. I should probably have stayed off of it for longer. gah. Though, I don't think that would have changed this situation much.

OK I'm just going to write down all the gory details I can think of, I'm sorting through all of this in my head and everything that's happened. Long post. Oh well. Maybe it will be useful for someone sometime.

This guy was very fun, he has ADHD too, so it took us a while to meet up. Er, well, he made plans a couple times and then dropped the ball a couple times, and then one of the times I was busy with the school play. I was just starting to feel like, I'm not sure I want to meet you anymore actually, when, the evening after the play we were both free at the same time so we went for a little walk with his dog in the nature preserve. It was really chill and relaxed, just an hour, not intense.
I had been thinking that it's unfortunate that I haven't been able to meet new guys except for through online dating because I feel like the kind of guy I'm into wouldn't be on the computer much, but then this one popped up. He started talking about the kind of dance I like to do, that he'd gone and enjoyed it, that totally piqued my interest, and he likes to rock climb, likes music festivals, he seemed to have a busy schedule with his friends, travels for work, yay outdoorsy and adventurous!! Yay!!

Anyways, after the walk, we met up for a tiny bit the next day, then had more of a real date the following day and things were pretty fun!

I had thought of a couple rules for myself for my next dating thing - some of which I followed and some of which I didn't. Well, it was an improvement over last time. I suppose we are and always will be works in progress. In no particular order:

Rule #1: Don't get really intense and personal on first date. Opens me up to being manipulated. I did this with previous guy because I wanted to be honest, but I can do that without all the details. The last guy, without thinking very much, knew exactly all the things he had to say to make me want to date him and get really serious really quick because I told him all the things. Better to chat and cover the basics - job, hobbies, pets, etc.

Rule #2: No really long first dates. Keep it to an hour. Too intense. Need space to think.

Rule #3: No kissing on first date. No sleeping together on first date. Whatever if you're just looking for a hook up. Not ultimately what I want though.

Rule #4: Don't go on first date, and then another date the next day, and another date the next day...have a couple of days in between dates to take time to reflect. (Yeah, not good at this one.)

Rule #5: No making plans/commitments that are farther out than the amount of time that you have been dating for at least the first 6 months. (Like, you've been dating for a month, and you make a plan for a trip that's two months out, then things fall apart, sucky.)

Maybe a Good Idea for a Rule #6: Don't spend a lot of time communicating via text. This is so hard though because I think my generation is young enough that a lot of us communicate over text, it's just so easy, and I don't want to come off as uninterested. Tricky. I also am good at articulating thoughts when I write them down.
I read an article that referred to this as 'textimacy". Sort of, false intimacy. Well, anyways.

I don't know what to make of the fact that the last guy I dated, AND this guy, both brought up moving in together and other serious things like, within the first month. Like, not just, "living with a girlfriend is something I would like to do someday", but, "I know this is crazy but I wish you could just move in with me," or, "when is it ok to start talking about moving in?" etc. etc.

Anyways, this one, we had a lot of fun for like a little over a month, it felt so easy and chill. We progress to saying boyfriend and girlfriend. He is very happy, charming, energetic, popular. We would go out to eat, or have dinner at home or make breakfast at home, very fun to spend with him, we like the same types of music. Was not a problem if I was doing lesson planning, he would work or garden or video game ..... he had fun ideas for trips we could go on, we had some acquaintances in common, he liked to hear me play when I practiced. He liked that he could do his own thing and I could do my own thing and we could keep each other company. After the last guy, I was glad about this too. His friends were jealous that I was so chill about games, I didn't get it.

I started getting stressed from work, getting close to the concert, that must have been like 3 weeks ago, and some other stuff too, health related. Anyways, there were a couple of times where it seemed like...I dunno, I will always need to be able to vent about work, and I need a partner who can be sympathetic, and ok with the fact that I'm not always happy hunky-dory all the time, it's just not possible. I'm trying not to wallow but, I am going to be stressed a lot at the end of the year, in December, and in April **shrug** I got very self conscious that he was maybe tired of me being this way, I was worried about him being like the last couple of guys. I don't know if I made it up in my head or if I was taking a cue from the way he was behaving but I started to feel self conscious/sensitive about it. I'm actually really not sure why that happened...I mentioned wanting to find a guy that would be sympathetic, and I think he felt like that was a rejection but I meant it as a reflection...I'm not sure...also, I was trying to plan out some logistics for a thing we needed to do, and he got frustrated, I think it was an ADHD I can't hold all of this information in my head and follow what you're trying to tell me type of frustrated, but he did not express what the problem was, and the whole tone of his voice and way he ended the conversation SUPER DUPER hurt my feelings. Anyways, I feel that he started getting a little cold and less affectionate after that.

THEN...the video games. So, now I'm in a place where I'm feeling a little hurt, stressed from work, confused and wanting reassurance. But then like, I would be at his place, in the evening, I'd maybe be finishing up lesson plans for the next day so we can hang out, and he'd get a text from his friends to come play and off he'd go. So I'd finish up my work and be like, um, hm, ok well...I guess...I'll...do a little more work then...still not done games? ok, well, it's time for bed anyways...and toddle off to bed by myself, and he'd come in later. So, also, the upstairs walls are pretty thin so I can hear when he's typing on the keyboard, plus everything he's saying to his friends, so like, not good for getting to sleep. I mentioned this to him. He said he would be less loud...........

I started to try saying, I'd like doing XYZ thing tonight, to let him know I did want to hang out, and he would say, ok, and then, text from his friends, off he'd go again! If we are at my place, he will plan on leaving to go play video games, or play video games first and come over to my place to fall asleep. He doesn't like being at my place though because my internet sucks and he can't really use his laptop for games.

So, like, now I'm SUPER missing his affectionate self, and trying to sort out why so rejected and lonely all of a sudden.

He had to leave for a work trip, after which I had a gig, so we were going to go a week without seeing each other. Two nights before that we had a little...mm...I dunno, fight, miscommunication, right at bedtime. I dunno. I totally got the cold shoulder, like, I'm going to stay awake and read things about computers on my iPhone but not talk to you. It was horrible. Finally a couple hours of tossing and turning later we talked about it. I told him I felt I should maybe just stay at home the next day so we could have some space as I felt like we weren't getting along very well. He said he didn't know what I was talking about. We talked a little more and clarified stuff and things felt a little better. So, I thought we were all good, I came over the next day after work, we're not going to see each other for a week after that AND, I had NO lesson planning I had to do for the next day. I had done all of my work, for the first time in I can't even remember how long, I had a free week night. We hung out for a bit, dinner, some funny youtube videos, and then he said, he was going to play video games in a half hour. I say,
"What?! How long are you going to play for?"
"Two hours" he says.
"Two HOURS?! Really?! We're not going to see each other for a whole WEEK." (He asks me to explain the logistics of this again, he is coming back the day I leave.) "Sadfaaaaace! I wanted to spend time with you tonight." He says he'll play for less time, like an hour and a half. I'm still hurt. He says he doesn't understand, we just spent time together, he really wants to check out this new game...well, ok, sounds exciting, I say.
And 30 minutes later, off he goes! And there I am, alone at his apartment, what am I going to do? I guess I'll get some work done? What the hell. I didn't come over here to do work. I'm trying so hard to not always be working. I even offered to not come over last night so we could have some space. I have a free night, I'm at my boyfriend's, and I'm sitting here totally alone right now. I'm such a loser. WATERWORKS. Maybe I'll just go home and hang out with kitty. Such a loserloserloser. Beating myself up not working. I start thinking about how this just isn't working for me, I feel jealous of video games for crying out loud. What if I was LIVING with him and I didn't even have another apartment to go to? I'd just be stuck here listening to him play, every little keyboard click ******* me off even more. I'd probably be cleaning up after him actually. That's what he said one of his friend's girlfriend's does. CRYCRYCRY. I start coming up with a plan to talk to him reasonably about it when he's done playing, that on a night before we're going to not see each other for a while, I really need it to be a me-and-him-night, no video games. Please.
Then he calls me upstairs because he wants to show me something in the game, I look like I've been crying and try to wash my face so he won't see. I come upstairs and he can tell immediately that I'm upset. He asks what's wrong, I say we can talk about it after. He says is it because he's playing. I say yes, but let's just talk about it later, you do your thing. He says impatiently that now he can't because he feels bad. I am flustered, and start crying, I say it doesn't matter, let's talk about it when you're done. But he stops playing and comes downstairs, he says what did you want to do? He still seems frustrated. I say I don't know, we could watch a movie I guess. I feel like a baby. He sets up the TV for a movie, I say thank you. He doesn't respond.

So, we watched the movie and went to bed. We didn't see each other for a week. He also asked me twice when I was coming home and I had to explain the logistics again - like, were you not listening when I was upset that night? I don't get it. I was so confused and up and down this whole time. It was like the end of my 5 year relationship - not good. I'm at least starting to figure out what my warning signs are, even if I don't emotionally sort them all out right away, I know my behavior when things aren't going well. I talk to my friends about it, they are not toooo impressed.

Anyways I get home, he invites me to come to his place straight from the airport. I do, he has to leave for a meeting out of state in the morning, he goes, comes back in the afternoon. We get like 2 seconds together and then he has to work some more. He ends up in a 3 hour phone call with his boss, I lesson plan while he's working, he likes the company. I realize he probably hasn't eaten in a while and adderall makes me not hungry but I probably should be, I dig out something in kitchen and bring it up, he is SO grateful. I'm feeling a little anxious because I need to go home at some point but I decide I want to help him out and we should have a real dinner. I'm so bad at this but he does have a lot of Willow-friendly easy options so I start to figure stuff out. I'm not very efficient. I burn a couple things, ergh. Anyways, he comes down right when I'm finishing up and he is grateful and happy. We eat together sort of, since I didn't go home I had put some laundry in so I was trying to deal with that. He says he needs to unwind....he's going to play some video games with the guys. I'm like...ok...well...I guess I should go home at some point. It would be nice to go for a swim? He says he'll play for a bit and then come over to my place. I say ok...I go home, so many things to do at home, why didn't I just come over here earlier? We didn't even get to hang out. Why couldn't he unwind with me? He gets there at like 10 PM. Time for bed. Light's out. I really wanted to spend time with him, but now he's asleep. This sucks. I'm so hurt. I don't sleep, again.

Next morning his dog wakes me up, I'm so tired and grumpy because I haven't slept enough and now I have to go to work. Crycrycry. Teachteachteach. I come home and am not sure if I should call him, I'm being ridiculous, I call him. He seems happy, he asks what my dinner plans are? We plan on 1. nap, 2. figure out dinner. I try to let him know, in kind of a confusing way cuz I was tired, that I am sad that we haven't really spent time together and I want to do something fun. At first he seems confused, then he says ok how about XYZ restaurant and then a game of cards? YAY I say. We do restaurant, and during cards...he gets a text. I wonder if it's a request to play video games. He responds to text. I tell myself I'm being ridiculous and I shouldn't associate all texts with video games. It's like being jealous of an ex girlfriend I SWEAR! He wouldn't go off and play video games now, really, we're hanging out. We finish card game. He says do you want to play again or go to bed? I had originally thought about sleeping at home because my concert is the next day, but I decide I'd rather stay and snuggle and it's a little late anyways. We brush teeth, get ready for bed, halfway up the stairs, "I'm just gonna bang out a game with Mike before bed, I'll be in in a bit." ...... "Baby. It's 10:30. It's time for bed. I need to sleep." He looks apologetic, "I'll be really quiet." "Baby you're going to wake me up when you come in the room." "I'll be quick." I can't think of anything else to say. I go to bed. I am so frustrated. I have a concert tomorrow, he knows that, I decided to stay here instead of go home, I should've gone home, I WOULD have gone home if I had realized he was going to just be playing games. Air conditioner covers up the sound of him playing but I'm still mad. I decide if he's not done by 11 and I'm not asleep I'm getting in the car and driving home, or something drastic. 11 rolls around, I get up out of bed, storm into office, talk to him like he's one of my students, it's 11, I have a concert tomorrow, time for bed NOW, he cowers, he comes in room, we sleep on absolute opposite sides of bed.

I am very upset in the morning. I cry again. He asks what's wrong. I say the video gaming thing. We finally talk about it. He is staring at wall and I am staring out the window, kind of snuggled up. He says he doesn't understand, we did spend time together, I say I feel like video games can pop up at any time and off he goes and it makes me feel so lonely. I want to spend time with you and you are texting with your friends about video games! He says I sent THREE texts, that's it, and I told Mike I was playing cards with you and I would get back to him later. I said, you couldn't just say no Mike, I'm spending time with Willow? He says he wants to be able to do his own thing, it's what he does with his friends, they play for an hour or so every day. It's their thing. Or they go out to dinner or go rock climbing. I say I don't want to stop him from doing things he wants to do, I don't mean to be pushy. He says if it's a date night he won't play video games. I ask what last night was, wasn't that a date night? He says he guesses he is more independent than me. At first I'm like yeah I guess so. And then I say, you are going to play video games with friends, I'm just sitting here alone, it's not like I can go do something with friends at 10 ******* 30 at night, that's time that I would normally think of spending with my significant other, cuddling and talking and falling asleep, not my friends. I feel like we haven't really talked in forever. He is silent. I say, I mean what were you envisioning last night? You were going to play video games and then what? He says cuddle and go to sleep. I say it was 10:30 at night! That was bedtime! What am I supposed to do in the meantime while I'm here by myself? I'm going to go to sleep without you! He doesn't say anything, I feel the guilt. I notice what time it is and I am LATE. LATE. LATE. I jump out of bed and apologize for running away, he says it's ok we can talk about this later. In my head I say he doesn't care, he's glad I'm leaving and we don't have to talk about it anymore. I feel stupid for apologizing.

I'm also late for work. Should have gone home after cards last night.

On the way to work I text this:
"Listen, I gotta say, the comment about you being more independent than me - it's setting off alarm bells right now, it's ironic because you brought up us living together within the first month of us dating, and like, you remember meeting my friend Chris, and he commented on their being a lot of talk from you about us buying appliances together. I also just was broken up with for traveling too much, lol you know? I'm like going from way too independent to not independent enough here :P I think you - everyone really - should be careful in all relationship scenarios of using "you're not independent enough" as a cop out. Everyone wants to feel like relationships are a 2 way street. Somehow or other, I'm not feeling that right now, but I think I can be happy and independent if I do..."
"Hey, sorry, been running today. I think I meant more that I like to have some personal time to unwind/do my own thing...Sometimes it's games, sometimes it's climbing, sometimes it's just taking a nap...Not that you're not independent, just that I like to have that personal time to do things that I want to do"
"Ok, I mean yeah, I do understand that, of course...I think I feel like, why have a date night if you really need playing games time? That's fine it you need that, it really is, like I have things I can do at home too for sure. Like, ok, you were considering sleeping in the other room last night so that you wouldn't wake me up (though, I appreciate the thought), in that case, I mean I'm not at your apartment so I can sleep by myself, you know? Like, I've barely been at home and I'm tired and kind of anxious, I have a big big thing I've been preparing for...a snuggle before bed would have felt soo so nice. But, if you needed you alone time after dinner, if you had let me know, I would've gone home and like spent the night with kitty which would've also been useful for me and a little easier this morning. I dunno, I just, I feel like it's not that considerate if I come over to see you to have you disappear like that."

No response, I go to therapist and vent everything. She says I need to think about whether or not I'm willing to be in a relationship with a video game addict. She talks to me about some ways to deal with the conflict, stating what my needs are and not getting into you're not independent enough, or you're this, or you're that, just here are my needs, right or wrong, and can we make this work or not. I'm starting to feel like I'm not stupid, I'm just me, here I am, up to a certain point I can compromise, and after that I can't make myself feel ok, no matter how I try.

I get home and text:
"I think if we're both hoping to have a serious relationship, then I feel like we should talk more specifically about what that means exactly, specifically what we need/want or don't need/want in a partner, and see if this makes sense for us. I think I know myself pretty well, but I definitely feel like I need more information about what your ideal lifestyle would be with a partner, and I can't tell if I fit what you're looking for. Maybe not tonight, but, I would like to talk about this before we spend a whole lot more time together."
"That seems fair. Sorry this isn't all going very well... I do like you... But I think I'm feeling frustrated, as are you "
(Honestly, I'm feeling SO curious - what the hell are you frustrated about? You have not told me you were feeling frustrated. Why haven't you said that before now? Are you frustrated that I want you to sometimes say no to video games??)
"Thanks, yeah, I like you too. Maybe we should take a day or two apart for a bit and have a little break/perspective - er, I feel like I really need that - and like talk over the weekend or something if you're free."
"OK that works...I'm out-of-state tonight anyhow"
"OK, yeah I was wondering. Well, maybe like Sunday would be good that way you can have some time at home too. Anyways, whatever, I think you said you were climbing Saturday, I'm free sometime on Friday and def Sunday so, you can let me know what works."

No response. I'm saying to myself, He doesn't care. We're gonna talk on Sunday [maybe, if I hear from him again] and he's gonna say he doesn't want to date anymore. Whatever. I want to throw my phone in the ocean.......I don't live near an ocean. Screw you. Why should I be hurt? He was so fun and nice at first. I am not as interesting as video games. I stress out about work and video games don't. Whatever. Whateverwhatever. (Didn't even talk about two best friends and their gaming habits. One of them has dated his girlfriend for 10 years, she wants to get married, he says he's waiting for the right time, she apparently does ALL chores around the house and he does nothing. I mean he does not seem like a jerk, but lazy - I guess! Both of his friends did not share their video gaming habits with their girlfriends until their girlfriends moved in with them, and both of their girlfriends roll their eyes when games come up. It does not seem like it's something anybody is handling well. I would HATE to be trapped in that.)
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to willow129 For This Useful Post:
aeon (06-14-17), stef (06-15-17)
  #2  
Old 06-14-17, 10:32 PM
aeon's Avatar
aeon aeon is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: The North
Posts: 8,604
Thanks: 25,498
Thanked 14,545 Times in 6,493 Posts
aeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Endless saga of Willow's dating life: in which we meet a ?video game addict?

Your therapist is not wrong, and neither are your thoughts and feelings about this.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it. Go find that person who can love willow the way willow needs to be loved, and who you can love in mutual reciprocity.

You've been clear about those things which contribute to your happiness.

Find the person who finds joy in seeing you happy, and who you would will to see happy in like kind.


Cheers,
Ian
__________________
@>~,~~'~ Voici mon secret. Il est très simple: on ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.
“Well, look who I ran into,” crowed Coincidence. “Please,” flirted Fate, “this was meant to be.”
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to aeon For This Useful Post:
Smokey405 (06-15-17), stef (06-15-17), willow129 (06-15-17)
  #3  
Old 06-15-17, 04:07 AM
dvdnvwls dvdnvwls is offline
Mr. BllVt
 

Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Anywhere I can
Posts: 14,912
Thanks: 1,278
Thanked 17,966 Times in 9,011 Posts
dvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Endless saga of Willow's dating life: in which we meet a ?video game addict?

IMO there's a game culture that if you're not part of it you won't want to be involved with someone who is.

The other things, deeper more significant things, that you've said - all still true and valid. But I think even the basic thing about clashing cultures can kind of settle it.
__________________
Postmodernism, the school of 'thought' that proclaimed 'There are no truths, only interpretations' has largely played itself out in absurdity, but it has left behind a generation of academics in the humanities disabled by their distrust of the very idea of truth and their disrespect for evidence, settling for 'conversations' in which nobody is wrong and nothing can be confirmed, only asserted with whatever style you can muster.
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to dvdnvwls For This Useful Post:
aeon (06-15-17), ginniebean (06-15-17), willow129 (06-15-17)
Sponsored Links
  #4  
Old 06-15-17, 05:12 AM
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
Mod-A-holic
 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: nj, usa
Posts: 27,138
Thanks: 5,664
Thanked 31,460 Times in 14,483 Posts
sarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Endless saga of Willow's dating life: in which we meet a ?video game addict?

I agree with DVD, there is a culture in the gamer world and if you are not a part of it you will aways be second fiddle. You deserve undivided attention and he cant give you that. I think you should cut your losses.
__________________
President of the No F's given society.

I carried a watermelon?
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to sarahsweets For This Useful Post:
ginniebean (06-15-17), willow129 (06-15-17)
  #5  
Old 06-15-17, 06:42 AM
willow129's Avatar
willow129 willow129 is offline
Moderator
 

Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 2,697
Blog Entries: 4
Thanks: 2,168
Thanked 4,031 Times in 1,960 Posts
willow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Endless saga of Willow's dating life: in which we meet a ?video game addict?

I hadn't thought of it that way....gaming world culture, if you're not part of it you're second fiddle...(heh, nice music reference) do you think there are a lot of hobbies like this, I mean I'm a musician (not really a hobby for me, but whatever) I think there are musicians who can be this way but it's not necessarily part of the culture...
I dated a guy in college who was a huge gamer, but there was no conflict if I wanted to hang out, I think he knew I could easily walk away and he didn't want that...it was absolutely never an issue. how nice, right, wish I could go back to that :P not really actually, he didn't have a lot of drive otherwise...anyways, that seems like it was maybe outside the norm.
I feel a tiny bit misled, but I also feel like this guy is misleading himself. He made a big deal about wanting someone who has their own "thing", so that we can spend time together but also be independent. He liked that I have a thing I'm passionate about - music, dancing, teaching music - and he said his thing is rock climbing, and that dating outside the rock climbing culture can be a difficult thing. Well I can see why that would be a problem, but I would love to try rock climbing!! I like hiking and camping. I like being outside. I've met his rock climbing friends, and some of them remind me of my folk music friends. They're nice I thought, to me, that is a pretty attractive thing to have be your thing, I can definitely deal with that.
In reality though, he has said he would like to take me rock climbing, but we have made no progress in that direction. In the time I've known him, it's something he has done twice. Saying that video games are something that he likes to do for an hour everyday, that's not even accurate. Try like 6 hours in a day on the weekend. His main thing, from what I see, isn't really rock climbing, it's video games. That's a really different guy! If video gamer had been more obvious right at the beginning, like say, on his profile - he said he has a geeky computer nerd side too but not really gamer I don't think - I don't think I would have responded to his message even. It doesn't fit the lifestyle I like, and also after a certain amount of time per day on it, it's unattractive to me. I think that he knows that there are girls who feel this way- turned off by video games- and also he made a comment about it being a problem for girlfriends in the past so I think he doesn't want to bring it up right away. Should've investigated that further. this sucks. I really liked him so much at the beginning, it did feel so easy and I felt good about myself and the things I like to do when I was around him. I feel degraded being second to video games. Sigh.
Anyways I know I said I'd wait till Sunday, but I feel a little more clear on the things I can/can't deal with so I think I might write him an email when I'm done with work today or tomorrow.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to willow129 For This Useful Post:
aeon (06-15-17), stef (06-15-17)
  #6  
Old 06-15-17, 07:00 AM
midnightstar's Avatar
midnightstar midnightstar is online now
Purriendly feline moderator
 

Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 18,555
Blog Entries: 10
Thanks: 17,669
Thanked 22,053 Times in 13,034 Posts
midnightstar has a reputation beyond reputemidnightstar has a reputation beyond reputemidnightstar has a reputation beyond reputemidnightstar has a reputation beyond reputemidnightstar has a reputation beyond reputemidnightstar has a reputation beyond reputemidnightstar has a reputation beyond reputemidnightstar has a reputation beyond reputemidnightstar has a reputation beyond reputemidnightstar has a reputation beyond reputemidnightstar has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Endless saga of Willow's dating life: in which we meet a ?video game addict?

It doesn't sound to me like you could be happy with him willow, my advice is if video games is a deal breaker it's better to cut your losses than try to make something work that isn't going to work
__________________
Beauty (12th August 2007 - 3rd November 2008 )
Dylan (4th November 2008 - 23rd March 2012)
Tom (29th August 2014 - 17th October 2014)
Ebony (1st January 2014 - 2nd March 2018)
Tigger (31st October 2014 - current)
"No human should ever hurt an animal" Jessie, Animal Farm

Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to midnightstar For This Useful Post:
Smokey405 (06-15-17), stef (06-15-17), willow129 (06-15-17)
  #7  
Old 06-15-17, 08:54 AM
TurtleBrain's Avatar
TurtleBrain TurtleBrain is offline
Minecraft Mod-rater
 

Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Northeastern United States
Posts: 1,050
Thanks: 196
Thanked 1,347 Times in 708 Posts
TurtleBrain is a name known to allTurtleBrain is a name known to allTurtleBrain is a name known to allTurtleBrain is a name known to allTurtleBrain is a name known to allTurtleBrain is a name known to allTurtleBrain is a name known to all
Re: Endless saga of Willow's dating life: in which we meet a ?video game addict?

Yeah I ditto what everyone else posted. I'm a gamer myself, but I'm honest enough to know that I really couldn't care less about dating. I barely even care about my own needs as a gaming addict, so how would I be able to care about anyone else? Last time I took a plant home and thought it would be cool to take care of... forgot about it, the plant wilted and died... yeah... so much for that... lol (word of advice, don't let me take care of your plants ).

I think the guy just needs to get real with himself. Obviously gaming is more important to him.
__________________
I like turtles... They remind me to take my time
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to TurtleBrain For This Useful Post:
Fuzzy12 (06-15-17), ginniebean (06-16-17), midnightstar (06-15-17)
  #8  
Old 06-15-17, 11:00 AM
Pilgrim Pilgrim is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: May 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,196
Thanks: 4,183
Thanked 1,860 Times in 1,180 Posts
Pilgrim has much to be proud ofPilgrim has much to be proud ofPilgrim has much to be proud ofPilgrim has much to be proud ofPilgrim has much to be proud ofPilgrim has much to be proud ofPilgrim has much to be proud ofPilgrim has much to be proud ofPilgrim has much to be proud of
Re: Endless saga of Willow's dating life: in which we meet a ?video game addict?

I haven't had a great deal of experience in this, but the game goes off when your together.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Pilgrim For This Useful Post:
aeon (06-15-17)
  #9  
Old 06-15-17, 11:26 AM
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
Mod-A-holic
 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: nj, usa
Posts: 27,138
Thanks: 5,664
Thanked 31,460 Times in 14,483 Posts
sarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Endless saga of Willow's dating life: in which we meet a ?video game addict?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pilgrim View Post
I haven't had a great deal of experience in this, but the game goes off when your together.
its no different than having a partner that is constantly checking their phone while you are talking or watching a movie. With romantic relationships its beyond rude. There is NOTHING on facebook that you need to see while talking and listening to your partner. Facebook and emails can wait.
__________________
President of the No F's given society.

I carried a watermelon?
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to sarahsweets For This Useful Post:
aeon (06-15-17), Pilgrim (06-15-17), TurtleBrain (06-15-17), willow129 (06-15-17)
  #10  
Old 06-15-17, 05:07 PM
willow129's Avatar
willow129 willow129 is offline
Moderator
 

Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 2,697
Blog Entries: 4
Thanks: 2,168
Thanked 4,031 Times in 1,960 Posts
willow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Endless saga of Willow's dating life: in which we meet a ?video game addict?

Man, you guys are right, I can't argue with you. I just keep wanting to blame myself, like something's wrong with me, or maybe I scared him away by being stressed about work so he wasn't interested in me. I totally know that if I was giving advice to me, I'd be like, state your needs, or forget about this guy right now, and be glad you only dated him for 2 months...

I also am kind of assuming, I'm not sure why but my instinct tells me and I've been through this enough times now that I'm probably not wrong, that he's not going to really want to talk or figure things out on Sunday. He never responded to that message. He's in a position where it's not exactly difficult for him to just shrug and walk away and put no more effort into this - I mean, he can do that if he wants to, it just sucks for me, I'm not really sure why this started with so much enthusiasm and then went downhill.

Meeting all his friends, he would tell them how nice I am, how "normal" I am, they were all excited about it. He took me out to dinner with his Dad, he told his MOM he wanted us to move in together...like I wasn't even telling my parents I had a boyfriend lol. I'm not close with my parents so that's not necessarily relevant but, I've been stung before for sure. How many times this happens is SO weird, I start dating people and they are like oh my gosh you are so wonderful and amazing, but then suddenly I am not worthy of compromise.

What the heeeck. What is going on here? I mean the last guy turned out to be like stalker weird, like, he was still sending me texts and emails as of like 3 weeks ago. He's FINALLY stopped, I think. (The texts were like, "I just drove by you in my convertible, that's the 3rd time I've seen you this week" that kind of thing. Super creepy.)

The thing I can think of right now is, insisting on taking things slower would help weed these people out, I think, and protect me a little bit - like establishing that I have a need not to get totally sucked in and burned (lol), but you know, like getting respect for a need right off the bat...
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to willow129 For This Useful Post:
aeon (06-15-17)
  #11  
Old 06-15-17, 06:32 PM
heyabutterfly heyabutterfly is offline
Jr Member
 

Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Clinton
Posts: 10
Thanks: 1
Thanked 10 Times in 6 Posts
heyabutterfly will become famous soon enough
Re: Endless saga of Willow's dating life: in which we meet a ?video game addict?

I wouldn't call myself a gaming addict. I game usually 1-2 hours on weekdays, and maybe 2,3,4 hours on weekends, not very often because I like to go boating on the weekends. But I don't let it interfere with my life as a reality. I certainly don't let it take precedence when I'm with my girlfriend, or family. I wish willow could have found the right guy that can properly balance between the gaming world and the real world. This gives proper gamer's a bad name.

best wishes and good luck to you willow in your dating life.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to heyabutterfly For This Useful Post:
willow129 (06-15-17)
  #12  
Old 06-15-17, 06:41 PM
ginniebean's Avatar
ginniebean ginniebean is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 11,786
Blog Entries: 27
Thanks: 22,964
Thanked 21,931 Times in 7,991 Posts
ginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Endless saga of Willow's dating life: in which we meet a ?video game addict?

I'm a gamer girl, and I can tell you two are not going to be compatible. Me, I'd be setting up my computer and playing right along, or going off to do my own thing when I feel like it.

I think it's sad that you're feelings got involved, but I wouldn't give up games for someone in my life either.

As others have said, it's a culture.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 06-15-17, 06:41 PM
dvdnvwls dvdnvwls is offline
Mr. BllVt
 

Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Anywhere I can
Posts: 14,912
Thanks: 1,278
Thanked 17,966 Times in 9,011 Posts
dvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond reputedvdnvwls has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Endless saga of Willow's dating life: in which we meet a ?video game addict?

Online is a very difficult way for you (I mean you personally) to meet people. What you see is never what you get, even when the guy is doing his best to be honest. (And of course not all are doing their best either. )

When you finally see someone who you met online, give it the same caution you'd give a blind date that was set up by someone you don't like.

I'm too blunt, but unfortunately you seem to have a thing for guys who don't respect you. It's happened too many times in a row to be an accident. There are ways out of that, but it takes a lot of thought and a lot of care on your part. Knowing that you do have some wrong instincts to overcome is a start, at least. But you're unlikely to accidentally meet the right guy while you're actively looking for the wrong one.
__________________
Postmodernism, the school of 'thought' that proclaimed 'There are no truths, only interpretations' has largely played itself out in absurdity, but it has left behind a generation of academics in the humanities disabled by their distrust of the very idea of truth and their disrespect for evidence, settling for 'conversations' in which nobody is wrong and nothing can be confirmed, only asserted with whatever style you can muster.
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to dvdnvwls For This Useful Post:
aeon (06-15-17), Pilgrim (06-15-17), Smokey405 (06-15-17), willow129 (06-15-17)
  #14  
Old 06-15-17, 07:50 PM
willow129's Avatar
willow129 willow129 is offline
Moderator
 

Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 2,697
Blog Entries: 4
Thanks: 2,168
Thanked 4,031 Times in 1,960 Posts
willow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Endless saga of Willow's dating life: in which we meet a ?video game addict?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ginniebean View Post
I'm a gamer girl, and I can tell you two are not going to be compatible. Me, I'd be setting up my computer and playing right along, or going off to do my own thing when I feel like it.

I think it's sad that you're feelings got involved, but I wouldn't give up games for someone in my life either.

As others have said, it's a culture.
Ok, I wouldn't give up music either.

This is just me complaining about stuff I can't change: If he had said on his profile that he was really into gaming, I probably wouldn't have responded to his message, honestly, because I just don't share that interest, but his profile was more outdoorsy. Our third date, he told me he was gaming before I got to his house, and his friend shot him so he would die in the game, and he was all "hey! whacha do that for?" and his friend said "I'm doing you a favor buddy!" Like, I don't get that, I've never tried to hide my clarinet from someone! That does actually make me laugh. Why not just say what you are? Or if you're so into gaming that you can't get off the computer for a date, why the heck are you dating? hUH?? His 2 best friends are both dating girls who are not gamers, btw.

This is more relevant to current situation:In my defense, I have never asked him to give up games. That wasn't something I was considering, I think he can have an interest in games or whatever the heck he wants to have an interest in, and conduct that interest in a way that is respectful to his partner's needs, or in a way that's not respectful to his partner's needs. AND, I actually did start playing a game that he thought we could do together that I might like. I'm not opposed to doing that, and I did that with my college boyfriend who was really into games. I mean, I'm not a gamer, but I can take an interest in the things my partner is interested in because my partner is interested in them. If it makes them happy for me to join in sometimes, I don't mind. I want to have a partner where we have fun doing STUFF together. I mean I like to have variety, I would think it was dull if that was the only thing we did, but games are ok to mix in, and he seemed to be interested in doing a lot of different things anyways, like dancing, hiking, camping, music festivals, rock climbing. Anyways, I can be flexible, but I want some flexibility in return. I think that's the problem here...Whatever. I don't know.

Quote:
Online is a very difficult way for you (I mean you personally) to meet people. What you see is never what you get, even when the guy is doing his best to be honest. (And of course not all are doing their best either. )
Yeah. I think online really depends on how well people know themselves and then how well they can communicate that, and there's no way to know how well they're doing that until...you find out, one way or the other >.<

Quote:
When you finally see someone who you met online, give it the same caution you'd give a blind date that was set up by someone you don't like.
Ha!!! I like that.

Quote:
I'm too blunt, but unfortunately you seem to have a thing for guys who don't respect you. It's happened too many times in a row to be an accident. There are ways out of that, but it takes a lot of thought and a lot of care on your part. Knowing that you do have some wrong instincts to overcome is a start, at least. But you're unlikely to accidentally meet the right guy while you're actively looking for the wrong one.
Too blunt: it's ok, sometimes I have hated it when people were too blunt but it also has been powerfully helpful at times. I value your opinion. I really do want to know what the ways out of this pattern are. Are there resources for this?! I feel like where I'm getting off would probably be so obvious to anyone observing, and with all the times I've shared what's going on with me and break ups here, I am starting to feel like a broken record, but I'm really not sure...what I need to do....I don't know...it seems like there are people in my life, I have a few guy friends, who do respect me and make it clear that they think well of me, but I'm not attracted to them for this or that reason or it just wouldn't work cuz they don't live near me or whatever. Then I wonder like, well, where are the other guys like you? Why does it seem so extraordinary that you exist? And sometimes, why am I not attracted to you?

I don't know, maybe it has to do with my upbringing, I mean, my parents relationship with each other was my mom manipulating and my dad enabling. And then with their kids it was neglect and emotional abuse. I was trying to be honest with myself in the really long post - when boyfriend goes off to play his games and I'm sitting there alone, all the bad voices come around - like, you're boring, you're selfish, you're a brat, you're so pathetic it's hilarious, you're stupid, and then I'm fighting and telling myself I AM nice, I'm a likable person, people like me...And I know often with boyfriends that's where I freeze on being able to say - hey, dude! this is what I need in a relationship! Because I'm like too busy having this huge self esteem battle inside me. I guess that's probably crazy that someone going to play video games would trigger that response in me. I guess that's my own problem to fix. I think I probably do need more reassurance than is attractive as far as relationships go, but I can work on it.....and I still think I'm not wrong to have boundaries and want flexibility and some undivided attention for reassurance.

I am so glad I can vent here. I don't have a lot of people I am comfortable sharing stuff like this with in real life.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to willow129 For This Useful Post:
stef (06-17-17)
  #15  
Old 06-15-17, 08:03 PM
willow129's Avatar
willow129 willow129 is offline
Moderator
 

Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 2,697
Blog Entries: 4
Thanks: 2,168
Thanked 4,031 Times in 1,960 Posts
willow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond reputewillow129 has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Endless saga of Willow's dating life: in which we meet a ?video game addict?

Quote:
Originally Posted by heyabutterfly View Post
I wouldn't call myself a gaming addict. I game usually 1-2 hours on weekdays, and maybe 2,3,4 hours on weekends, not very often because I like to go boating on the weekends. But I don't let it interfere with my life as a reality. I certainly don't let it take precedence when I'm with my girlfriend, or family. I wish willow could have found the right guy that can properly balance between the gaming world and the real world. This gives proper gamer's a bad name.

best wishes and good luck to you willow in your dating life.
I try not to judge the activity. I can see why games are fun and absorbing for sure. I find a certain amount of willingly sitting in front of a computer unattractive, but, look at me right now, I've been on this forum for hours now!! Like I said, I dated a guy in college who games and he is and was a sweet, funny, smart person who was as attentive as he could possibly be to me. It is not the games that makes someone a bad partner, no way.

My therapist said addiction because she said, he can't regulate his behavior (receiving and responding to texts while we're supposed to be hanging out, inability to say no) and it's affecting his relationships negatively (Ours, but he also vaguely mentioned that games have been a problem with others in the past.)
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wisdom For The ADDers Starting Life mADD mike General ADD Talk 30 06-18-14 06:51 PM
Life is a Pac-Man Game EshkaronsEngine Fun & Games 5 08-30-10 10:07 PM
ADD in my life JonADD New Member Introductions 2 05-25-10 04:13 AM
Looking for feedback m1trLG2 Short Stories 0 12-08-09 03:12 PM
How to Tell If You Like Your Job ... And How to Start Over If You Don't Keppig Careers/Job Impact 1 02-07-04 01:24 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:08 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
(c) 2003 - 2015 ADD Forums