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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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Old 01-09-09, 09:57 AM
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Question As a diagnosed ADDer, would you have a relationship with an undiagnosed ADDer?

Here's the thing. I have recently been diagnosed. In fact, only partly so as it was my clinical psych who confirmed my self-diagnosis. It is not her area of expertise however and I am awaiting an appointment with a psychiatrist on 22 Jan to get a 'formal' diagnosis and discuss treatment options. However I am 99.9999% certain I have ADHD.

Tonight I went on a first date with a guy I really liked. But I think there is an excellent possibility that he may well be undiagnosed ADHD himself! I swear he pretty much covered off on all the symptoms/issues in talking about himself and his life! And talking, and talking, and talking.....

Anyway, it got me thinking. If indeed he is undiagnosed and I am going through the process of diagnosis and treatment, is it a good idea to be dating him or not?

Now, don't worry I'm not asking complete strangers on the net to sort out my love life for me. I know that is in my hands.

Just wondering if anyone here who is diagnosed and getting treatment/taking meds etc has had a realtionship with someone undiagnosed. And how did it go/ is it going?

Any thoughts?
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Old 01-09-09, 10:04 AM
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Re: As a diagnosed ADDer, would you have a relationship with an undiagnosed ADDer?

I would have had a REAL hard time being in a relationship with myself before I got help.

but once diognosed, & desiring help, I think it's a totally managable trait.

In relationships, I don't believe in trying to change people.

however, I totally believe in helping people to become the person they WANT to be.
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Old 01-09-09, 11:55 AM
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Re: As a diagnosed ADDer, would you have a relationship with an undiagnosed ADDer?

The only thing I find hard about it is when the other person leads you off on a tangent.

I will give you and example. I am fairly sure my wife has add. I was writing a paper 2 weeks ago and asked her for help. Well she of course forgot and then the day i needed it I asked again reminding her I needed it that day.

I was at work and she caught me on IM. She started giving me her thoughts on the paper. All was well until I needed to get back to work. I asked her to send me an email with the rest of her thoughts. What does she do. She sends me another IM with her one more thing. That turns into 2, 3, 4, 5...you get the picture. Now I am trying to get work done and figure out everything she is telling me at the same time. Talk about distracting. and Of course she is jumping from things at the beginning to things in the end to grammer and back and forth. I had to finally say "Please send me an email because you are going to keep me from getting any work done". So if i let her we could both go start like 50 different things and never finish.

Those situations and the not listening are the biggest things that need to be worked on in a relationship like this.
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Old 01-09-09, 12:27 PM
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Re: As a diagnosed ADDer, would you have a relationship with an undiagnosed ADDer?

Date whoever you want, diagnosed or undiagnosed or ADHD or not!!!

It shouldnt matter - but probably helps to be with someone that understands you.

My best friend understands me and is very patient with me - and she isnt ADHD.

On the other hand, both my parents seem to have strong ADHD and they are like soulmates.

I agree also with whoever said that if both partners are distracted, they must find ways of complementing each other...which of course they should be able to, with the creativity that comes with ADHD
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Old 01-09-09, 05:53 PM
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Re: As a diagnosed ADDer, would you have a relationship with an undiagnosed ADDer?

Ditto to Chamaleon and I don't think it would matter unless the fact they're undiagnosed/unmedicated actually interferes in your relationship in a major way. I've always thought that 2 ADDers are better off together as you'd be able to empathise and understand one another much better than you would with a non ADD partner.

Selena
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Old 01-09-09, 07:25 PM
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Re: As a diagnosed ADDer, would you have a relationship with an undiagnosed ADDer?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazygirl79 View Post
I've always thought that 2 ADDers are better off together as you'd be able to empathise and understand one another much better than you would with a non ADD partner.
I think you've hit the nail on the head there Selena. That is pretty much what I have been thinking. And I probably cope much better and have little problem with the quirks of his personality than a non ADDer would. The jumping all over the place in conversation, going off on tangents, talking a million miles an hour non-stop, for example. All things that I do of course, so I am not 'turned off' by it in another person.

Anyway, very early days. I haven't dated anyone since my marriage ended 2yrs ago, so it's all a complete novelty! I'll just enjoy the ride for now.
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Old 01-09-09, 08:41 PM
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Re: As a diagnosed ADDer, would you have a relationship with an undiagnosed ADDer?

The odd part of being diagnosed late in life, is that you may have dated persons with ADD and never knew it. Or, you may question your own self for why a relationship has not worked, and now may realize, some of the issues.

Regardless, love, like, friendship has no real boundaries, if you are open to yourself.

I will share this. I have known about my ADD for about 7 months, I met someone who also has ADD, and it was amazing..! I felt like I did not have to explain my random all over the room thoughts...and when I constantly interupt him, he is understanding. We are both loud, out of control, and very emotional. He has known about his ADD much longer than I, and he has shown me, and taught me so much about the emotional and obsessive behavior that accompanies my ADD.

I know now, that I have NEVER dated anyone who has had ADD!
I also know my husband did NOT have ADD!
I am discovering a whole new me...and I truly believe, if I understand me, then everyone else will follow!

Best of luck...new relationships...are so much fun!

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Old 01-10-09, 02:09 AM
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Re: As a diagnosed ADDer, would you have a relationship with an undiagnosed ADDer?

the last guy i dated, i actually helped him get to the doctor and get diagnosed himself! haha when i told him he started asking me all kinds of questions and the more i told him, the more he related. it's weird though because had he not said anything, i would not have gotten the add vibe from him.

however, seems like most of the people i fall for (not just date, but FALL for) and 75% of my best friends since childhood are/were ADD. it's like we find eachother and attract.

dating fellow ADDers offers advantages as far as understanding and soulmate/connection stuff goes. FOR SURE! that may be the most electric combo of all but god help you if it doesn't work. but i gotta say, if you can find yourself a non-ADDer who loves you enough or is simply patient enough to put up with you and complement your weaknesses, that's also very special.

i have seriously dated two non ADDers and both were amused and patient with my...traits. the ADDers (none of them actively working on it, btw) were all different. some brought out my best qualities, some brought out my self destructive side.

basically the two things you want to avoid are the people who bring out the worst in you (with a fellow ADDer, that typically seems to be the worst ADD traits like overindulgent and shirking of repsonsibility and the like, while with a non-ADDer it's more like they treat you like a child and you end up rebelling).

well to make a long story short, it depends on the PERSON. non add people who love and complement your crazy traits do exist. my little brother just got engaged to a non...they're young so we'll see but so far it seems like she balances his forgetfulness and procrastination. now whether or not she'll turn into a second mom is another story. and the fact that my brother who is 7 years younger than me got engaged before i did is an entirely different story
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Old 01-10-09, 04:14 AM
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Re: As a diagnosed ADDer, would you have a relationship with an undiagnosed ADDer?

I don't care if my future partner has ADD/HD or not.
What matters is if we are compatible.
My former wife displayed some symptoms of ADD/HD, but I wouldn't say she had ADD/HD.
She did have a hard time with my ADD/HD, but part of that was her expectations of my place in the relationship in accordance to what she wanted to see done.
I'm not faulting her for that, but I think it led to her being disappointed too many times.
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Old 01-10-09, 04:57 AM
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Re: As a diagnosed ADDer, would you have a relationship with an undiagnosed ADDer?

I am ADHD and have been treating it sense the early 1990's and I am married to a man who is as ADHD as I am who is not treating it - when I let go of the idea he was not going to approach his ADD the same way I did mine and began accepting him the way he is I learned a lot from him - I agree with the others it is the person and the chemistry between you to that should determine whether or not there is a future not whether or not some one has ADD - ADHD expresses itself in as many way as there are people who have ADHD to express

Also bear in mind being newly diagnosed you may see ADHD "every where" - okay I don't know if you will but I went through a period of time shortly after my diagnosis where I did.. . . Also worth mentioning there are other conditions that can mimic ADHD/ADD. . .
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Old 01-10-09, 09:29 AM
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Re: As a diagnosed ADDer, would you have a relationship with an undiagnosed ADDer?

Quote:
Originally Posted by meadd823 View Post
Also bear in mind being newly diagnosed you may see ADHD "every where" - okay I don't know if you will but I went through a period of time shortly after my diagnosis where I did.. . . Also worth mentioning there are other conditions that can mimic ADHD/ADD. . .
Yes, I am very mindful of that. It was just that over the course of an evening, apart from some very overt behaviour, he imparted a lot of information about his life and experiences that was scarily familiar to me and also like he'd been reading the DSM-IV recently!

Anyways, we have spent some more time together and so far so good.

I guess I was curious as to what others experience has been in a scenario like this.
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Old 01-12-09, 01:12 AM
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Re: As a diagnosed ADDer, would you have a relationship with an undiagnosed ADDer?

Quote:
Anyways, we have spent some more time together and so far so good.
hope it works out . . .
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Old 01-14-09, 03:10 AM
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Re: As a diagnosed ADDer, would you have a relationship with an undiagnosed ADDer?

I would definitely date someone w/ undiagnosed ADHD. It's not so much whether they have it or not, more so if they can keep up with my hyperactive "always-doing-something" personality and the fact that I can be a little "lazy" and get lost in my own world. My last serious boyfriend would too often just want to sit around and watch tv--in the middle of summer! I couldn't deal with that. I was like "ah! let's get out! i have jet skis! it's 100 degrees! lets go jet skiing! imprompt to camping trip! lets go to the beach! lets do something!" or he'd get irritated that I'd be off in my own little world or be completely random and goofy. Always.

On the inverse, a boy I've been seeing lately randomly called me up a few weeks ago and was like "my friend has a beach house on the ocean. we're gonna go out there tomorrow, wanna come?" so i took a spontaneous trip to the ocean! and it was great! would have never happened w/ the last boy.

Rambling, but point being--doesnt matter if they HAVE ADHD or not. Just matters that they can keep up with me and understand.
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