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Non-ADD Partner Support This is a support forum for non-ADD partners, spouses, and significant others offering feedback from both the ADD and non-ADD perspectives

View Poll Results: ADHD related commitment issue or playing games with me?
ADHD talking, give him some time to figure things out 0 0%
Player, just move on with your life 2 100.00%
Voters: 2. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
Old 06-24-18, 05:50 AM
addspouse2018 addspouse2018 is offline
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Adhd related commitment issues or just not that into me?

So I decided to post this here ’cause I would like some opinions and insight from people who actually have diagnosed with this condition and not only support from the non-ADHD partners.
[Moderator note: If you don't have ADHD and are seeking advice concerning a partner who does, please post in Non-ADD Partner Support. The Relationships and Social Issues section is intended for people who have ADHD/related issues to discuss those issues. You'll probably find that most of the people who read and respond to your post in Non-ADD Partner Support will have ADHD, anyway! -Namazu]

I had this 2 year relationship with a 40 something man who’s been diagnosed with adhd as an adult while he was in treament for his substance addiction at his twenties. I’m pretty sure yall know these types of issues are pretty common with people who have adhd because they always need something to boost their dopamin levels. He has been clean for years though.

We had an amazing relationship and we both have never had the same connection and deep level of mutual understanding with anyone else before and loved (still do) each other to death. He said many times that he has never loved another soul like he loves me and that I am the love of his life. On his best days he treated me like a queen, showered me with affection, attention, love and care. He is very big on physical affection (taurus). Of course we had these typical days when he was so focused and distracted with something else going on in his life that he pretty much ignored me but I always knew it was adhd symptons talking and not a sign of him not caring about me.

Fast forward to our break-up which happened 2 months ago. He said he was getting oppressed with having to shift between two homes and living a suitcase life but was not ready to move in together yet. He lost all of his assets a few years back and he said that his work and building his life back up again takes so much his time and energy that he could not be there for me and commit to me the way that I would like him to after 2 years together. He said that he would need to focus on work and getting his life on track so much that he would have to see me a lot less than I would like and not be so committed to it. He also said he still sees us together in the future but is unable to give me the things I need right now. He also said that he would like to spend this summer meeting some new people too and maybe dating other women to be completely sure about me and our relationship because he is at an age (45) right now that if he commits to someone and moves in together with someone etc. it has to be for the rest of his life and it’s not an easy decision to make even though he loves me more than anything. He said he is willing to take the risk that he loses me forever because he just can’t go on with me dishonestly. So we broke up.

There has been times we have not been in contact for some weeks but mostly we have been keeping touch these 2 months we have been separated. We have spent a few nights together and been to dinners etc. We still love each other. He has said he misses me but have not made any moves with me towards getting back together. We are both dating other people too, and he has been a little jealous about it. A few days back he ditched a tinder date to meet me. He still has not even told his parents that we are no longer together and ask me to come to their house for a dinner. He still wants to stay separated and continue seeing other people but also wants to be with me. He said he has been torn apart because of how unsure about everything he is, he said he is afraid he is making wrong decisions. Other days he says it might be best if we don’t see or contact each other at all for a while.

My question is; is this kind of behavior just some common commitment issue trait for someone who has adhd? Or is he just playing with my emotions and trying to keep me on the side sitting on the bench while he is exploring the world and other people trying to find out for sure that he can’t find something better somewhere else? Should I just move on and forget about him or give him some time and a chance to figure it out? If he did not have this condition (adhd) I would not even question this and I would have moved on a long time ago but the adhd makes everything more difficult since it’s hard to know his true intentions cause his brain works so differently.

Last edited by namazu; 06-24-18 at 02:18 PM.. Reason: added moderator note after moving thread
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Old 06-24-18, 07:33 PM
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Re: Adhd related commitment issues or just not that into me?

I really wouldn't like to be in your skin.
Just imagined a friend telling me: "I'd really like to help you with this gig next week, but I need to think first, if going to a club with other mates wouldn't be a cooler way to spend the evening"

Adhd or not, he would be the last person I 'd like to be friends with.
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Old 06-25-18, 05:51 AM
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Re: Adhd related commitment issues or just not that into me?

There is no way I would put up with that...Its one thing if you take a break- a break- not date other people. Its like he wants the opportunity to meet someone better or to make sure he doesnt miss " the one" before "settling" on you. I am not trying to be mean but I take romantic/love relationships very seriously. How can he say he loves you and be comfortable with you and him dating other people. Who cares if he ditched a tinder date? The fact that he was using tinder at all bothers me... many times tinder is for hookups. I just think you are selling yourself short. If you both want to date other people then do it. But dont hang on to your relationship waiting for him to come around.
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Old 06-25-18, 06:18 PM
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LyrinMeow LyrinMeow is offline
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Re: Adhd related commitment issues or just not that into me?

Why does it always seem like someone is saying this oh, person with ADHD did something horrible and I wanted to know if they could change.

No. It's not ADHD. It's just being a jerk. And the short answer is probably not. You have your own tolerance for games so you can play until you get bored. I'd have been gone by now. I don't have time for that. ADHD, ASD, GAD, I don't care how many letters you have, I'm not wasting my time on people who will not get their **** together.

Tolerate what you will. You are being played.
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