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  #226  
Old 08-13-17, 10:44 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part IV

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Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
i'm not doing very well. and i know it.
I hope you can find a way to change that soon. But I know the struggle.

I was doing so well for about a month (July) when spring storms were finally
over ... spring lasted forever this year ... and autumn storms hadn't started
yet ... but this week has been a really early autumn with terrible storms and
terrible migraines. And my mood and desire to do anything at all has crashed.
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  #227  
Old 08-13-17, 11:20 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part IV

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Originally Posted by Lunacie View Post
I hope you can find a way to change that soon. But I know the struggle.

I was doing so well for about a month (July) when spring storms were finally
over ... spring lasted forever this year ... and autumn storms hadn't started
yet ... but this week has been a really early autumn with terrible storms and
terrible migraines. And my mood and desire to do anything at all has crashed.
Funacie
Peri
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  #228  
Old 08-13-17, 11:50 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part IV

s Funacie and peri

I've been bothered by that stupid dream most of the day (see last page). I know it's just a stupid dream that means nothing.
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  #229  
Old 08-13-17, 01:46 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part IV

That feeling when you're so bored even though you know what you should probably be doing.
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  #230  
Old 08-13-17, 02:52 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part IV

Missing my mom.

I know you must all be getting so sick of hearing it from me by now...I know I'm sick of it my own self.
But damn I miss her. Damn I miss so many things in life I had with her. I wish I had a family friend or someone to take her place. I'm so lonesome without her...I long to have an outlet for so many sides of 'me' no one else gives me in life right now.
It sucks. I'm still sad. I kinda wish it'd be over with...the grieving. But then I feel bad for feeling that way.

I'm getting annoying.
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  #231  
Old 08-13-17, 02:59 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part IV

I had a dream of her the other night. I think we were driving in her car...or maybe it was over the phone? At any rate I kinda knew in the back of my mind it was only a dream...but we were talking and it felt so great to talk to her finally again, and she told me to call her after I woke up so we could talk and get a few things figured out.
So I woke up...and I IMMEDIATELY started to weep out loud because damn it...it was only a dream, nothing was okay and I couldn't call her to figure a few things out...cause she's no longer there. She wouldn't answer the phone.

These dreams like this can just go away please. It's nice an all to see my mom in my dreams...but damn are they heart breaking to wake up from.

Please tell me this gets easier. Like quitting smoking. Please tell me it wont be such a daily grind. I love you mom, but I can't feel so damn broken without you forever...I want to move on . OMFG how I miss you though! Can you feel it? I love you so much Mom. I love you SO much.
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  #232  
Old 08-13-17, 03:25 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part IV

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I kinda wish it'd be over with...the grieving. But then I feel bad for feeling that way.

I'm getting annoying.
everyone's grief and the relationship that it's rooted in is different, so not attempting to directly compare your situation with what i endured. i do relate those first two sentences. or i came to.

when he was first gone he wasn't really gone. and i stopped my meds so that made him all the more present. but then after several months ...actually, i think it was more like a year and a couple of months, i'd deteriorated to the point of being hospitalized and back on meds and so forth. then he was really gone. i couldn't access him anymore at least.

it was awful. and i felt like everyone had moved on. but i hadn't. and all i wanted to do was talk about him and remember him so that i could feel him again and he was less "gone" to me. but others, not all, but most, wanted to stop feeling the weight of my grief crushing them when around me. i mean, it did start to get to where people just couldn't be there for me about him. and for so long i was really unwell (not simply from the grief or simply from the medication discontinuation, but you can imagine how they fed off each other) that i couldn't not desperately want to access him and remember him. and run.i was running over ten miles a day. that's a separate thing, but, i was also metaphorically running. and trying to hold on at the same time.

and there was a point where i could hear myself starting in again but the meds had started working and he was by that time, not even appearing to take up physical space...just the space in me. and i wished i could just be "regular" again. and then, how would i ever be without ever talking to him again and seeing him and playing music and watching movies and planning and plotting but seriously, i wished it could end, but then part of me felt like when i was no longer able to tell you the exact number of days, hours, and minutes since his death...from the last time we spoke on the phone, the last texts, his last voicemail...all of it...when that became less at the forefront of my mind and awareness, i would maybe be ready to "move forward". but if i was ready to do that...i was his voice in many ways. i SAW him. i KNOW him. then would he disappear? he poured his whole self into me and left me lists and...once done, did it mean that i didn't care as much or miss him as much or that his friendship wasn't the most valuable one i've ever had?

try to keep in mind: you being ok isn't the same as you "moving on" or forgetting her or not valuing the relationship and HER forever. you being ok can happen and that doesn't mean you miss her any less or that you dishonor her memory by getting through these stages of grief and coming out the other side and moving, not "on", but forward.

i still run a lot. because i can. he cannot. not corporeally. but i can. and i often think of him when i run. and i can be happy seeing the world through his eyes as well as my own.

with being annoying, like i said...i feel you. though i doubt anyone expects that in a few short months you're over losing your bestie and mum. and, you know, it's ok to be annoying. people don't have to listen. but if you have something to share...*someone* will listen. if i'm here, i will. and i'm no snowflake.

grief made me feel guilty and impotent and desperate and needy. the thing is, everyone's needy sometimes. i am not so very often. but i try to be of help to those in need. unburdening yourself can be a gift for another who unburdens reciprocally or in another way...and passing that gift means lightening the load collectively. or that's what i think. anyone who's annoyed, can be annoyed. if you have something to say, you can say it.

i know the world might seem very dark right now. like all of the color is drained out. or at least the vibrant ones. remember that your negative self talk isn't how you'd talk to someone in your situation who wasn't you. and know that those reading, most likely, have nothing but kindness and much love for you. x
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  #233  
Old 08-13-17, 03:30 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part IV

psycho, you're not getting annoying at all, I just wish there was a magic wand I could wave to make your pain vanish and I know there's no words I can say that will undo the pain you're in
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  #234  
Old 08-13-17, 08:35 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part IV

oh yeah, finally got up the nerve to get my hair cut and of course it is wildly lopsided because I can't even stand to be in there one more minute to insure it is even.

lalala
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Old 08-13-17, 08:37 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part IV

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Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post

Please tell me this gets easier. Like quitting smoking. Please tell me it wont be such a daily grind. I love you mom, but I can't feel so damn broken without you forever...I want to move on . OMFG how I miss you though! Can you feel it? I love you so much Mom. I love you SO much.
It will always be there. Always. But with time, it is always time, in time it gets easier. It really does.
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  #236  
Old 08-13-17, 09:59 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part IV

I'm laying in an ethanol clump with my sweetie.

All other concerns are but mere trivialities.


Cheers,
Ian
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  #237  
Old 08-14-17, 03:37 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part IV

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Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
Please tell me this gets easier. Like quitting smoking. Please tell me it wont be such a daily grind. I love you mom, but I can't feel so damn broken without you forever...I want to move on . OMFG how I miss you though! Can you feel it? I love you so much Mom. I love you SO much.
What I have learned to be the wisest thing to do is to be there with my pain, neither clinging to it nor pushing it away. Be compassionate and caring for yourself and give yourself the time to heal. You are stronger than you think, Psycho.
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  #238  
Old 08-14-17, 03:47 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part IV

Muscle soreness. It is clear that I really need to work out more often.
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  #239  
Old 08-14-17, 05:18 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part IV

Psycho-there is a difference in being needy because you need support or to talk about your grief-and being needy because you are seeking attention or want to fan the flames of chaos and self absorption around you AND also there's a difference in having a mental illness that causes you to feel needy and need reassurance from everyone in your life to remain stable. None of these things are bad, they are just different. I see you as needing support. For God's sake its only been a few months so cut yourself some slack.
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Old 08-14-17, 05:20 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part IV

Good news- there is now enough memory to finish installing programs and antivirus software on my dinky computer. Bad news, it had to die and load all those scary black screens with the extensions of exe. to get there. I had daughters computer nerd boyfriend save it from the edge of a cliff but not much was saved. I have to re-download a bunch of stuff and try and remember passwords and such.
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