ADHD symptoms or just REAL lack of love?

[LadyWarhog]

I'm struggling to discern whether some issues with my boyfriend are ADHD symptoms or if he honestly just doesn't love me as much as I love him. It's important to me to determine the difference because one is forgivable and the other is not. I myself have an anxiety disorder so I'm prone to overthinking/over-analyzing and have insecurities abound! I know when it comes down to it that only I can decide whether to continue this relationship or not...but some insight might help?

A little about his ADHD...he's not on treatment and it mostly presents itself (as a problem) through in-consistences with words vs actions and forgetfulness. Most of the other symptoms are quirks I don't mind or am fond of.

Relationship Cons: Inattentiveness on his part and me insecure about it. (Sorry if the next is TMI) Inability to "orgasm" on his part = feelings of inadequacy for me.

Relationship Pros: He's really quite perceptive and empathetic towards me and my feelings. His weirdness is perfectly compatible with my weirdness. We always have fun together. We love each others families/friends. We are equally very amorous and affectionate with each other.

A little history about us...We've been together for a year and a half. This is my 1st relationship and it's his 2nd "real" relationship (I'm excluding the high school one). I almost broke-up with him last May because of his frequent lack of follow-through and how much his actions betrayed his words (mostly in regards to his feelings for me). Since then, things have been going really well until a slip-up over the weekend that has kinda wrecked me....

He called me his ex's name shortly after sex and then lied about it. I asked him whose name it was and he gave me the ring-around. However, I already knew it was his ex's name because of pics of them still on Facebook. He finally admitted it was her name and that he still thinks of her from time to time. He's told me before that he was never able to be himself around her and always just did whatever made her happy until she cheated on him. He explained that he sometimes still thinks about her because to him it had been "true love". And that statement hurt me the most...

Yesterday, I called him over so we could talk about this. He's supposed to be moving-in next weekend--half of his stuff is in my house. I told him yesterday he can't move-in while this whole thing is hovering over me. I don't know if it's symptoms or lack of love. I told him I can't have 2nd place in my man's heart. I gotta be first or nothing. He told me that I WAS and that he didn't give an F about her anymore. Still, he apologized for all of it and told me I deserve better and that he'd be out of my hair by the weekend. He frequently has told me in the past that he fears "screwing up with me" and he brought that up again. He left so defeated that it killed me a little.

I'm having regrets of course because I love him and want him. But, I also want him to fight for us and SHOW me, not TELL me that he loves me. The way he left yesterday seems like he already gave up on us. Maybe that's enough of a sign that it's over, but I'm still here looking for hope. I can forgive symptoms but I can't forgive being (what?) a rebound. Then again, how much of this is just my anxiety creating problems? How much of it is ADHD related? Or does part of his heart still belong to someone else? How do you know?


...for reading.

[Daniel1970]

Wow, that's a tough spot.

I think in this situation, leave ADHD and Anxiety out of the equation, and just deal with his heart and your heart. In that context, I think his behavior and your feelings are what a couple in this situation that don't have any ADHD or anxiety would still be going through.

I'm not going to tell him what he's really feeling or what you really feel. But you need to have an honest conversation with him about how he really feels. If he still loves her, he definitely should not move in.

If he can't be honest with you, that's a sign that you should end it as well.

He needs to give you the attention you deserve, and yes, you need to be #1 in his heart and he needs to show it, not say it. Pay attention to what people do, not what they say. Always.

Also, the fact that he can't O with you is a problem too. Men can't perform when there is something wrong in the situation. Women can. Men can't. It's actually a great litmus test.

Maybe you two are better as friends, because it does sound like you have a lot of fun together and a lot in common.

Regards,
Daniel

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by LadyWarhog

A little about his ADHD...he's not on treatment and it mostly presents itself (as a problem) through in-consistences with words vs actions and forgetfulness. Most of the other symptoms are quirks I don't mind or am fond of.

has he told you why he doesnt want treatment for the adhd?

Relationship Cons: Inattentiveness on his part and me insecure about it. (Sorry if the next is TMI) Inability to "orgasm" on his part = feelings of inadequacy for me.

Relationship Pros: He's really quite perceptive and empathetic towards me and my feelings. His weirdness is perfectly compatible with my weirdness. We always have fun together. We love each others families/friends. We are equally very amorous and affectionate with each other.

Are you able to have any sort of intimacy with him? Not necessarily sexual but that heart-to-heart intimacy? Do you attempt sex and it fails?

He called me his ex's name shortly after sex and then lied about it. I asked him whose name it was and he gave me the ring-around. However, I already knew it was his ex's name because of pics of them still on Facebook. He finally admitted it was her name and that he still thinks of her from time to time. He's told me before that he was never able to be himself around her and always just did whatever made her happy until she cheated on him. He explained that he sometimes still thinks about her because to him it had been "true love". And that statement hurt me the most...

Did he say the part about the ex being true love this past weekend or was that another conversation? I can see why that would hurt you no matter when he said it. Has he told you why he has pics of him and his ex up after you guys have been together for a year and a half? That seems weird to me. I wouldnt focus so much on her name coming out but more on why he couldnt just admit it was an absentminded mistake. He may very well not have been able to "be himself" around her but then why does he say it was true love?

Yesterday, I called him over so we could talk about this. He's supposed to be moving-in next weekend--half of his stuff is in my house. I told him yesterday he can't move-in while this whole thing is hovering over me. I don't know if it's symptoms or lack of love. I told him I can't have 2nd place in my man's heart. I gotta be first or nothing. He told me that I WAS and that he didn't give an F about her anymore. Still, he apologized for all of it and told me I deserve better and that he'd be out of my hair by the weekend. He frequently has told me in the past that he fears "screwing up with me" and he brought that up again. He left so defeated that it killed me a little.

I admire you for tackling this because that wasn't easy and I think you are right to put the brakes on things. Moving in is a big deal and you have some issues that go beyond him saying his ex'es name.

I'm having regrets of course because I love him and want him. But, I also want him to fight for us and SHOW me, not TELL me that he loves me. The way he left yesterday seems like he already gave up on us. Maybe that's enough of a sign that it's over, but I'm still here looking for hope. I can forgive symptoms but I can't forgive being (what?) a rebound. Then again, how much of this is just my anxiety creating problems? How much of it is ADHD related? Or does part of his heart still belong to someone else? How do you know?


...for reading.

I think you need to take adhd and anxiety out of the equation because IMO it isnt that. It does sound like he was able to switch gears to getting his stuff out very quickly which makes me wonder why that is. I think like Daniel said a heart to heart talk is in order and for you to be as direct as possible. Ask him about his past relationship and find out if he was happy in it and how the break up happened. Ask him why he lied and what he wants to do about things. Maybe he is relieved to move out or maybe he is just trying to give you space but you are going to have to have a tough conversation to find out.

[Rebelyell]

Medicine can wreck a mans libido faster then you can blink an eye especially the crap we take for depression n adhd