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Old 03-19-17, 03:23 AM
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Venting....Can't Get it Together

So, I'm worse (of course, right?) And been to the doctor, to get even more crazy pills, and have been on them a week seeing little to no change.

I have been on Adderal 30 XR in am, 15 IR in early evening, and at night Effexor XR 150 mg. I have been suicidally depressed th the past month, and am able somehow to function at work. But at home i am a mess. I am either in sit in a chait and space out mode, or laying there listening to evanescense bawling. I cant clean, i just move the same **** around. Anytime i do anything, its a horrible mess. All that makes me feel better is doing arts and crafts, so i have paint and stuff everywhere.

I have some need to have it "clean", and "pretty", so im stressed about it.

I dont know if i even like what i am doing anymore, but its all i know.

So im still on those meds and ambien 5 to 10 mg , also abilify 2 mg and provigil. I dont see a change.


I am a zombie at home i walk around wanting to do somethin but unable to feel the slightest motivation. I dont even have all our stuff moved from the other house. I am about of the mood to just leave mosr of it.

Its like i dont know what to do anymore, im cleaning brain damaged or something.
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Old 03-19-17, 03:46 AM
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Re: Venting....Can't Get it Together

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Originally Posted by Joker_Girl View Post
I am either in sit in a chait and space out mode, or laying there listening to evanescense bawling.

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Old 03-19-17, 08:29 AM
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Re: Venting....Can't Get it Together

Art always helps me, too. Listen to Evanescence and bawl while you paint. Put the bad stuff into your art to make room for serenity and the possibility of happiness. I would love to see some of your work, I have been looking for an art forum but haven't found any active ones I like. And I have found that it helps hanging on to the idea that nothing is forever and though the minutes, hours and days pass slowly, the years fly by. If I look back to a really crappy time and realize how long ago it feels and how quickly time is passing, I know that even though it doesn't feel like it, this low point will pass, too. Your next amazing moment awaits you, we all have amazing moments waiting for us. In a blink, everything can change, just hang in there.
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Old 03-19-17, 08:56 AM
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Re: Venting....Can't Get it Together

Also, for me music evokes things I felt at the time I discovered the artist and song. When I get down, really down, I can't even bear listening to certain things without getting pushed over the edge. Maybe switching up your music will help. Right now I am all about Veruca Salt. "It's Holy" is like being hit in the face with sunshine. And I am definitely more dark than light
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Old 03-19-17, 04:01 PM
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Re: Venting....Can't Get it Together

I get the sick of junk every where want it cleaned up but who has the time and energy to do it even if I do manage to have time and energy I find myself not getting as much done as I would like to.

It is spring I finally managed to get the Christmas lights off the outside of the house. I was so excited I had to post it on facebook.

The cats took care of the inside Christmas stuff before New Years.

Yesterday I vacuumed one floor today I have removed Christmas lights from the house = I celebrate the little accomplishments because for me the big one simply ain't going to happen.
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Old 03-19-17, 07:42 PM
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Re: Venting....Can't Get it Together

Yup celebrate the little accomplishments and give yourself lots and lots of slack.
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Old 03-19-17, 07:56 PM
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Re: Venting....Can't Get it Together

JG, you are taking an interesting cocktail there and maybe they aren't IT. But what do I know?
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Old 03-19-17, 10:05 PM
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Re: Venting....Can't Get it Together

Hi JG, here are my 2cents:

- The meds are helpful though only to an extent. To treat your condition as a whole, meds only play maybe 20%-30% of a role. I believe the CHALLENGE for us lies in piecing the necessary puzzles together to achieve that overall well being.

- Listen to 'motivational speakers', there are free youtube videos.

- Make good friends who will be positive energy around you.

- If you could afford time, join volunteer groups. i.e. increase your positive energy.

I personally think, having a simple, pure/clean lifestyle, meditation, sports, being good, thinking good, if you could afford 'therapy' do it, all that combined together with the right meds will only solve our problems. So best of wishes in your journey.
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Old 03-19-17, 11:27 PM
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Re: Venting....Can't Get it Together

This is the first time i have evef taken a mood stabilizer, and i dont know if it is doing anything. It's a tiny dose, but i just don't know. She wanted to up my effexor, but i said no because we tried that about a year ago, and it made me feel weird. So this happened instead.

The provigil is because i am so freaking tired and out of sorts lately. My schedule is just a disaster, and i am sure that is part of my problem. I work 12 hr shifts, usually nights, but we have been short and i have been doing extra shifts, and i am just all over the place. I dont sleep well in the day alot of the time, and when my husband has a day off, i want to spend time with him.

I dont notice it doing anything, though.

I actually got a little bit of cleaning done today, though. Or at least i moved some stuff around.

I feel like this is alot of different stuff to be on, though, and it is just a stab in the dark as to what will work, but i guess that is how it always is.

I have been painting and decoupaging and drawing and stamping and glittering like a madwoman, though, like my life depends on it. Maybe it does. Today i repotted plants.
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Old 03-20-17, 01:37 PM
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Re: Venting....Can't Get it Together

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Originally Posted by Joker_Girl View Post
This is the first time i have evef taken a mood stabilizer, and i dont know if it is doing anything. It's a tiny dose, but i just don't know. She wanted to up my effexor, but i said no because we tried that about a year ago, and it made me feel weird. So this happened instead.

The provigil is because i am so freaking tired and out of sorts lately. My schedule is just a disaster, and i am sure that is part of my problem. I work 12 hr shifts, usually nights, but we have been short and i have been doing extra shifts, and i am just all over the place. I dont sleep well in the day alot of the time, and when my husband has a day off, i want to spend time with him.

I dont notice it doing anything, though.

I actually got a little bit of cleaning done today, though. Or at least i moved some stuff around.

I feel like this is alot of different stuff to be on, though, and it is just a stab in the dark as to what will work, but i guess that is how it always is.

I have been painting and decoupaging and drawing and stamping and glittering like a madwoman, though, like my life depends on it. Maybe it does. Today i repotted plants.
(((Joker_Girl)))

It's not your fault that your hospital, like mine, can't get their sh** together and are short staffed. If you want to really vent about the ridiculousness that goes on in far too many hospitals, go to allnurses.com where you'll find lots of support for work-related issues. I'm on there too and it can be helpful. There is even a thread for RN's with disabilities where ADHD, depression, etc. are often posted about. I've PM'd with some great gals who struggle with issues who also have stressful nursing jobs.

Stop working extra shifts right now. If people stop working extra shifts they'll have to get moving and hire new people faster rather than keep it short staffed. An very seasoned RN explained that logic to me and it makes perfect sense.

You are hurting yourself. Think of what you would say to one of your patients in our therapeutic nursey way if they told you that they were actively doing something that was hurting them.

You could work all nights when all of the patients are sleeping . I have to rotate days/nights all 12's so I know how hard it is, especially taking certain meds which may be a big part of what is going on right now. Nursing is probably one of the worst jobs for someone with ADHD and other emotional/mental issues IMHO and when we are having an emotional/mental crisis, it can really put us over the edge. I'm 100% percent sure that I would be in a better place mentally/emotionally if I didn't have this type of nursing job at a short-staffed hospital.

Continue to do your artwork and working with plants!! If it is helping you, keep doing it!! Are there any plant/flower conservatories by you? That could be a wonderful date for you and hubby!

I googled art therapy for adults and came across SoulCollage which looks interesting. Are you seeing a therapist? They can be extremely helpful and I highly recommend it if you are not.

Good luck and keep us posted!
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Old 04-03-17, 06:13 AM
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Re: Venting....Can't Get it Together

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joker_Girl View Post
This is the first time i have evef taken a mood stabilizer, and i dont know if it is doing anything. It's a tiny dose, but i just don't know. She wanted to up my effexor, but i said no because we tried that about a year ago, and it made me feel weird. So this happened instead.
Do you mean the abilify? Ad far as I know its an ATP- atypical antipsychotic. It can be used for mood, but I wouldnt say its typical without an actual mood stabilizer. My mood stabilizer is Lamictal. its saved me. I also take an atp, geodon which is one of the atp's that cause less of an issue with weight. Its not as sedating as something like seroquel but it does help at night.

Quote:
The provigil is because i am so freaking tired and out of sorts lately. My schedule is just a disaster, and i am sure that is part of my problem. I work 12 hr shifts, usually nights, but we have been short and i have been doing extra shifts, and i am just all over the place. I dont sleep well in the day alot of the time, and when my husband has a day off, i want to spend time with him.
Night shift is tough. You never quite get used to it.

Quote:
I dont notice it doing anything, though.
I know a lot of antidepressants can increase the likelihood of suicidal thoughts. Effexor is an SNRI and people that have issues with it often do better on an SSRI.

Quote:
I feel like this is alot of different stuff to be on, though, and it is just a stab in the dark as to what will work, but i guess that is how it always is.
Dont be hard on yourself for how much you are on. Its tempting to compare yourself to others. I take: cymbalta,lamictal, geodon,buspar,adderall xr, dex ir, and metopropol. I dont give an F what anyone thinks about it.
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Old 03-19-17, 11:45 PM
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Re: Venting....Can't Get it Together

If before going to bed you were to do an exciting activity that you really like, and for a few hours you trully enjoyed that activity, finally you call it a day and go to bed.

Immediatly when you wake up after 6 hours, do you:

1) Feel an urge to continue that same activity and can still relate to the motivation and thoughts you had during that activity before going to bed?

2) Or do you feel like you're now part of something new and have trouble relating to your thoughts and what kept you motivated before you went to bed, which caused you to spend hours at that activity?
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Old 03-24-17, 10:01 AM
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Re: Venting....Can't Get it Together

I know the feeling, it sucks. I don't know what to write but I hope it gets better
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Old 03-25-17, 03:02 AM
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Re: Venting....Can't Get it Together

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Originally Posted by Joker_Girl View Post

I have been on Adderal 30 XR in am, 15 IR in early evening, and at night Effexor XR 150 mg. I have been suicidally depressed th the past month, and am able somehow to function at work. But at home i am a mess. I am either in sit in a chait and space out mode, or laying there listening to evanescense bawling. I cant clean, i just move the same **** around. Anytime i do anything, its a horrible mess. All that makes me feel better is doing arts and crafts, so i have paint and stuff everywhere.
You would think our homes would be places of respite and peace but so often in the thick of it with depression, our homes become our prisons. I identify with what you are talking aboutl

Quote:
I have some need to have it "clean", and "pretty", so im stressed about it.
Let that go for awhile and ask for help cleaning it.


Quote:

I am a zombie at home i walk around wanting to do somethin but unable to feel the slightest motivation. I dont even have all our stuff moved from the other house. I am about of the mood to just leave mosr of it.

Its like i dont know what to do anymore, im cleaning brain damaged or something.
Im sorry you feel this way and I wish I had the magic words to tell you things will get better-but thats irritating sometimes when you feel as low as you say you do.
Keep doing what you are doing, see your doc frequently so your meds can be monitored-even if you think they dont do jack for you. Do you see a therapist or counselor?
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Old 04-02-17, 03:02 PM
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Re: Venting....Can't Get it Together

The hospital just needs to suck it. I care, but I don't like how angry and frustrated it is making me. I enjoy almost all of my co workers, the majority of my patients (although we seem to have an epic of stupidity right at the moment...I can't believe some of the things people say and do), the actual job is fine, the pay is great...because they are desperate to get and retain help, I've probably had a 15 to 20% pay raise over the past year and a half. And I like working 3 12 hr shifts a week. But then they do such alienating things, like sending us the patient complaints we have gotten and saying how " things must change or there will be 'consequences'." (ominous music). One of mine..." I wanted a diet pepsi, but she brought me a diet coke". Wow. Sorry our free pop wasn't good enough. They really annoyed one of my co workers who wanted to go to days for the past year by leaving her on nights and direct hiring someone new to days, full time. Ya...what's that about?

I like nights because the important people aren't around, but my doctor thinks next time an administrative position comes up I should apply, so I can have consistent day hours. idk but we'll see.

My house just makes me anxious because it's cluttery. And I am always making crafts or art, which is messy. I am not a good housekeeper and kind of hoard. Not gross hoarders like on tv. Like piles of paper, craft supplies, antiques, knick knacks, etc. I am a slob, and when I clean, it's mostly just moving stuff around.

I can't tell if the meds are helping or not. I'm terrified to even be off effexor for more than one day. I took a couple days off adderall, but can't tell if it made any difference. It makes me tired at first and if I'm home I will try to nap. The abilify, idk. I can't tell that it is making anything worse, at least. At times, I have thought about abusing these drugs, or drinking, just in order to feel something besides blah. But I don't have the energy. I thought about seeing if she would switch me to dexadrine, but I don't want to be any lazier. That stuff improves my mood but makes me very chilled out and lazy. I mean, Vyvanse did. Idk about plain dex.

I'm just lethargic, achy, and low grade sad all the time. My husband, too, is acting similar, if he has the day off, he will mostly sleep and watch tv. We haven't had sex in months, it's not that either of us are attracted to anyone else, or that we don't want to hook up. We are both so darn tired and achy and blah. It's a lot of work. I find this attitude distressing and of concern, and I'm sure he does, too. But we are just too tired to do anything about it. Maybe next week. We are loving and affectionate to each other...just not in the mood.
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