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  #1  
Old 01-27-14, 08:04 PM
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Venting ... just venting



I am so ******, I have cried because of this issue for over 2 months and I really do not have the time to deal with this. AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Background January 2013
Been with with ADD bf for over 10 years, doing fine, just living life. I am working on getting my PhD in genetics and my ADD bf is just doing his thing. We are happy together because we got in a pretty normal routine now. No major ADD problems and if there was I knew what to do to diffuse the situation. All good. Until ..................my bf has a bad anxiety attack, tells me we have to go the bar. He drinks a few beers and then pulls out a box and says to me 'just say yes'. my bf proposes to me in his typical ADD way. romantic right. I am thinking we have been to ten years we are happy together, we did talk about this before. So ahh sure. I love him and he loves me.

Except his timing is awful in typical ADD fashion. My PhD thesis is due in 10 months. Now this is a huge deal. Basically a PhD is my last and final written exam/major report I have to write in my educational career. And if I do not write the thesis well, it will be rejected and 5 years of working really hard in school goes *poof* gone. I have to concentrate on my thesis, the day after I submit yeah sure then my bf and I can start talking about wedding plans. He agrees to this, my bf says sure no problem.

Background Nov 2013
YES, 172 page thesis submitted, I am happy with it. I think it a good piece of scientific work. After submission I spend one full day of doing nothing but sleeping and eating chinese and I am ready to go. And this is when everything goes wrong! First my bf finds out that when ever he starts thinking about wedding stuff he has a bad anxiety attack and seriously has to start breathing into a brown paper bag. But my bf is a smart man, he starts going to a therapists and is working on this issue. That is my man, he may have ADD but he still has some initiative. Second my bf demands that we have the wedding early 2014, and his reasons for this are valid.
Ok ... he wants the wedding soon but when ever we start talking about wedding ideas he has an anxiety attack. **You can see where this is going.**

TODAY January 2014
My bf still wants the wedding early 2014, and he still has major anxiety issues with the word *wedding*. Here is the best part HE WON'T PICK A DATE! I narrowed it down to two dates and my bf came up with the idea of calling people we really want to be at the wedding and seeing which date works best for them. Ok ... I am alright with that but you must give a person with ADD very strict deadlines or it never gets done. I tell him that we have 9 days (two weekends) to call family and see. And then on Monday January 27, we have to discuss it and make a decision by the end of the day. The entire past week every day, I showed him the list, I asked him 'do you want me to call some people in your family?' Cause I already finished my long time ago. I do everything I can to remind him that we need to do this. Every single time there it is again the ADD/anxiety combination when the word *wedding* is mentioned. Then I find out TODAY that he has not told anyone (not even his parents) that we are engaged!!!! Remember folks - we have been engaged for a year!

AHHHHHHHHHHH! This is where pure ranting and raving begins. Now typically I write this in my diary but I have not had a chance to by a new one yet. So this place was the next best thing.

Seriously!!?!? Here he is demanding we have to have the wedding soon, "my mom is sick and she is not getting better" he says. Valid point ... ok lets plan the wedding. But he wouldn't. In typical ADD fashion he does nothing. NOTHING, he has not even told his parents!

I should of never told me family. I was so excited, I was so happy. I just had to tell friends and family and for a year now they have waited patiently for a wedding date. Now what do I tell them? 'Hi mom, dad: My bf has ADD and major anxiety problems so again we do not know when the wedding is. But he really wants it soon.' Many years ago my bf made it perfectly clear to me that no one and he means no one is supposed to know he has ADD. So what do I tell them? How do I explain this my mother who is looking forward to her only daughter's wedding?

I am at my breaking point. I am about to pick up his mother and some random strangers as witnesses and get married in the court house and just be done with it. My bf has ruined this entire experience for me. I am about ready to tell him, forget it we are selling the ring and my dress on e-bay because the way this is going there will be no wedding.

Before christmas I even took my engagement ring off and put in the box in the back of the sock drawer. Because it is was getting too painful to see that ring anymore. All it did was remind me of how unhappy I was. And before this I was happy. We were dating has bf and gf and all was right in the world. Yes, when we started getting serious over 8 years ago, and I wanted to get married. But over the years I have built up a resolve, I thought 'nope that is not going to happen. You feel in love with someone that has ADD. You are not getting married but you are loved and that is all that matters.' Then he had to throw that ring in my face in a bar. All of a sudden those woman like dreams of wearing a beautiful gown come flying in. But today, I hate it. I hate thinking about wedding stuff. I hate looking at my dress. I have that damn engagement ring. I wish he never proposed to me.

Sigh ........ all better .... ranting and raving done. If you actually read this far into the post. I just want to say thank you.
Since my bf does not want others to know that he is ADD, he says I can not go to non ADD-partner meetings because some one might recognize me. Usually my diary is my silent friend that just listens to me. But as I mentioned before I need a new diary book. The one have now is all full and it only lasted me two months.
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Old 01-27-14, 09:57 PM
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Re: Venting ... just venting

wow... I feel for you.
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Old 01-27-14, 10:23 PM
dvdnvwls dvdnvwls is offline
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Re: Venting ... just venting

Get to know his parents. It could be a huge eye-opener for you. (I'm assuming you haven't met them, since you weren't in on not telling them about being engaged...)
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Old 01-27-14, 10:43 PM
ToneTone ToneTone is offline
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Re: Venting ... just venting

That is truly a hard situation you're facing broken dreams. Very hard ….

Now I do have to respond to one point:

Since my bf does not want others to know that he is ADD, he says I can not go to non ADD-partner meetings because some one might recognize me.

I would NOT accept the condition. I mean, absolutely flat-out you need to say "No, I will go to any meeting that gives me support that I feel I need."

Seriously, agreeing to that condition is completely destructive and completely self-destructive. He's asking you to deal with his condition and all the struggles thereein, but to not get support for dealing with his condition. He is asking you to sacrifice both ways. That's not fair to you, and it's not sustainable. If he wants you to deal in a healthy way with his condition, he cannot block you from getting any and all the support you want to deal with his condition. Absolutely do NOT marry under this condition. Frankly, you don't even want to "reason" with it. You have to say no.

I dated a woman who put a "stipulation" like this on my relationship with her. THE WORST DECISION I ever made was to go along with it. It was completely self-destructive. It eroded my self esteem because frankly, I didn't respect her stipulation. I thought it was juvenile. And frankly, I ended up thinking she was juvenile. And of course, how could I respect myself for agreeing to collude in her juvenile mindset?

Your BF is insecure about ADHD? That's HIS problem. That's not your duty to mimic his insecurity. And it's sad that he's asking you to do that. By the way, what makes you think he will stop with this stipulation, if you agree to it? … He is likely to add new stipulations on what you can share with your friends and then start asking you about what you're sharing with friends … it does not stop. Feeding insecurity only enlarges insecurity. Note: you may or may not want to go to such meetings, but you absolutely have the right and do so for your own well being and for the well being of the relationship.

Good luck.

Tone
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  #5  
Old 01-27-14, 11:47 PM
VeryTired VeryTired is offline
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Re: Venting ... just venting

BrokenDreams--

BIG sympathy! I'm so sorry! I hear your pain and I get it. This is awful. You indicated that you just wanted to vent, and we're here--we hear you. But it's hard to just listen to something like that and not come back with responses.

I urge you to consider what ToneTone said. Privacy is important, but your fiancé does NOT have the right to control what you tell people about something that plays a huge role in your life as well as his. Do not accept that he can limit what you can tell people. The problems around the wedding are just the beginning of potential stress for you in this relationship, if you have to be isolated from everyone outside the marriage because he says so.

And as for the wedding--I feel your pain. Here's my story: My present partner used to be my fiance, but isn't any more, although we live together. Relatively early in our relationship, he proposed to me, and I was surprised to be thrilled. It was great until several months later when he suddenly seemed to lose all interest in the engagement, and it turned out that he had never quite broken up with his previous girlfriend … he ended up leaving me, going back to her, marrying and divorcing her within a year, and eventually coming back to me. It's like a soap opera, right? I can assure you, it was horrible most of the time.

A lot was happening very quickly at that point--he also had several major hospitalizations, some addiction problems, delusions, PTSD and more. When the dust finally settled, we were living together again and he began rebuilding his life, starting with getting an ADHD diagnosis and treatment. He's done a great job with that in most ways, and we now have a boringly stable life on the whole. but I do sometime catch myself weirdly referring to him as my ex-fiancee rather than my present partner, which confuses people. It confuses me! And it's sad--I never got to have the joy of actually getting married, but I've sure had the rigors of sticking with him through worse as well as better. It's now clear to me that his skewed sense of time, his understanding of the commitment involved in marriage, and his willingness to bring anxiety and sorrow into my life were all affected by his ADHD.

Anyway, good luck making good choices for you. Let us know what happens. All good wishes--
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Old 01-28-14, 01:18 AM
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Re: Venting ... just venting

Oh my.
*HUGE, huge hug!*
My boyfriend proposed to me last Christmas.. he proposed with a plastic ring so 'we could pick the one out together'.
He very much wanted Sept 13/13 to be our wedding date.
He has financial management challenges and I told him it was off until they were under control - who can try to pay or plan for a wedding when getting a utility bill paid is next.
I don't have a whole lot to add that others haven't, however I would like to reiterate how important it is that you have a support system in place
Banning you from that is not right - it's not right to anyone.

I am so sorry you are going through with this. I know the horrified embarrassment I did and it was just... horrid. just bad bad bad. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. You're not alone and this forum is filled with a lot of very intelligent, wise, awesome people.

Good luck and take care
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Old 01-28-14, 05:05 PM
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Re: Venting ... just venting

Sounds like he's incredibly overwhelmed. He had the ring and was so overwhelmed by the prospect of actually proposing that he had to have some liquid courage. Whatever it took. Incredibly impressive... this guy loves you.

And he was so overwhelmed and nervous that he didn't even ask, he just said for you to say yes.

He is so utterly absolutely in love with you and knows what he wants the end result to be but can't muster what he needs to get there.

I know bc this sounds exactly like MY bf. EXACTLY.

I'd bet he hasn't told his family bc he knows (even if he hasn't actually had the thought) that once the cat's out of the bag, he's gonna get inundated with all things wedding. And that's going to stir up more anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed than anyone could ever shake a stick at.

Getting married is one of the biggest events in a person's life. It's probably easier for us ladies... we get to do all kinds of fun girl things. But for a guy... gah! I can't imagine.

Break the whole thing down as simply as you possibly can and ask him if he would like to have any input and if so, which things would he like to have input on. But be specific. Does he want to have input on the food or tuxes. Or maybe now you just want to go to the JP. Make it easy for him and he'll probably start to relax and start getting into it.

Congrats to you both!
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Old 01-28-14, 07:03 PM
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Re: Venting ... just venting

UGH. Weddings. I can't even imagine how horrid it would be to plan one. Go easy on the guy and do something simple.

*hugs*
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Old 01-29-14, 03:26 AM
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Re: Venting ... just venting

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrokenDreams View Post
I am at my breaking point. I am about to pick up his mother and some random strangers as witnesses and get married in the court house and just be done with it. My bf has ruined this entire experience for me.
Do you think this will somehow get easier when you get married?

Is he seeing someone? Is he taking medication?

My ADHD-PI symptoms were masked enough go undiagnosed for 36 years -- with only occasional severe anxiety. Then I married, had two kids, and hit a wall with more anxiety. Therapy and non-ADHD meds brought me off the anxiety cliff, but I was still "stuck". I couldn't play with my kids without ending up on my phone or falling asleep. I couldn't focus on my wife unless I was talking about something I was interested in. The "always-on" nature of wife and kids was just too much. I'd be stuck there now if not for an ADHD diagnosis and stimulants. So far things are better.

You've been together a long time, but is this really what you want for the rest of your life?

My vote is for you to get a *real* handle on the ADD before even think about getting married.
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Old 02-04-14, 07:56 PM
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Re: Venting ... just venting

Wow, I heard you loud and clear! I couldn't even imagine!!! I'd be ****** and hurt and disappointed too You have some choices to make, and you may not be able to wait for him to make them!

First off - one thing I have learned is that in ANY relationship if you are asked to be ALONE in your struggles and "secrets" already exist you are heading for a feeling of loneliness, and this is already only in what you KNOW - there could be yet more to discover....

ADHD symptoms increase when stressors/pressures in life increase...you thing marriage is big?... life gets tougher....did somebody mention kids????? that's when the REAL struggles with ADHD came into our relationship....

Truly find out what you want and need and then make a decision (not hastily) and then you may have to make the plan, either way you go. Good luck and keep us updated.

I truly feel for you
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Old 02-05-14, 06:06 AM
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Re: Venting ... just venting

I have to tell you....imo it doesnt sound like marriage is the best choice right now. There are too many unknowns and inconsitencies. If it were me, I would be hesitant.
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