Looking for advice, and direction.
My name is Jonathan, I posted on here prior to beginning taking lots of ADHD medicine, and then once again during, and forgot to comeback and thank everyone for advice. Because of my forgetfulness, the next section will be a small update for those who remember me, or simply curious. This same forgetfulness has lead to loads of stress in my new relationship, as well as all of my past relationships. Many times, I find my self saying sorry, and I really am sorry, I mess up so often, and all I want to do is fix it, move on, and not mess up again, but it is very tough and I really need advice, I don't want to lose my chance with this woman because I cant be everything I desire to be for her.
Background information. (Not essential)
I posted asking if I had ADHD and/or ADD
I should start by saying, I finally got to try Adderall, Started at 20MG XR. However, before I could get to the needed dose my insurance decided to bail on me, due to the previous semester not being 12 hours. (only took 11 hours) This insurance was though Tricare, and because of their nit picky ways, and the time it took to get with my dad, who was living well over 1000 miles away at the time, and very little communication to back it up, by time it was all resolved I had bombed another semester as a "want to be science major"
I stopped going to class a long time ago, at first it was to be lazy, then I justified it by my hatred for not being able to concentrate, and by time I finally could concentrate for about 15 minutes straight, something I didn't understand was not normal, but I thought I was suddenly normal and started going to class again, and only found out I didn't have the time left to make the grades I needed to make.
This time, I withdrew, and thankfully to doctor notes, and a finical appeal I was able to re obtain finical aid for the coming up semester. During this time I worked at Wal-Mart, but while at the campus one day I found out the love of my life was single.
You would never see her face on the front page of magazine, but to me she looked better than any of the faces that I have ever seen on a cover of a magazine. I just wanted to be around her, I had a desire to talk to her, it was something that I couldn't explain and felt creepy as hell, I already was over clingy, but now I was trying to be clingy to a girl I was not even in a relationship with who also had a boyfriend of 5 years.
She told me she was single, and before I knew it was blowing up her phone, and then sat threw a math class she was in just because I go to a small college and had nothing else to do during that time of day, and I really liked her, but admittedly I also love math.
The class required Calculus 2 and 3, and having knowledge in a few other math classes would of also benefited me a lot. However I withdrew from Calculus 2, and made a D in Calculus 1 when I took it the first time, and a C the second time.
The teacher offered me a seat in the course , and even after not being finically capable of affording the class, I found myself sitting in the class, and dropping Wal-Mart for a work-study job, that would pay off the rest of the price of the class.
I made an A in the class, thanks to help of a Ninja. She was just that a Ninja, a thief in the night, she stole my heart in such a way I couldn't even prove she stole it, yet I knew she had it, I use to laugh at people who talked about "love at first sight." I say through lectures in Human sexuality that straight up disproved any possibility that it could even exist.
Yet here I am, telling you that I may not have fallen in love at first sight, but I knew that I wanted to love her, and when I am not adding stress to her already stressful life, we are the happiest people on the planet, its amazing.
She felt the same, so it was never discussed between us, so we went on both feeling crazy, and it got to the point she just broke up with me, and about 3 hours later, after I was crying at her place trying to explain my insanity, only expecting for her to get a restraining order on my crazy white ---. I found out she felt the same and thought I was just toying with her looking for a way out not wanting to break up with her, so she.. being super amazing.. took it upon herself.
We didn't fight all week end, and a relationship that was 2 weeks only became 6 weeks old, and a man who couldn't study, over come a 3 hour credit course, that only lasted 3 weeks, on material that I was way underprepared for.
So what's the problem, everything seems perfect, you may ask.
Background information. (important)
I am forgetful
I am always forgetting something, mainly the time, and ending up late, or forgetting something and apologizing.
It is really hurting our relationship, she is stressed out, her ex boyfriend is going though a hard time in life, and she is still his friend, and is worried to death about it, and I am always adding to the stress in her life by forgetting this or that.
It goes from forgetting something .. to making a mistake, to saying sorry, to feeling as if sorry isn't enough, getting worried, and adding more and more stress to our relationship, which only adds more stress onto her already stressful life, and this feels like a never ending circle.
This morning I woke up, to go ride bikes with her to school, drove to her place, got their at 8, the time we was suppose to leave, then remember my breaks on my bike where messed up, and spent 30 minutes trying to fix them, she told me a joke, and I didn't laugh I smiled, but she said laugh, and I said "it has to funnier to laugh"
Why on earth do I not think before I speak, top that off with being late, top that off with a bike not ready to go, top that off with forgetting everything every day, and always saying sorry.
I say sorry so much it hurts to say it, because its almost feels meaningless, I am tired of always saying sorry!
Day 1 of us talking, I lost track of time and ended up being late to hanging out with her, after telling her I would.
Day 2. I was 30 + minutes late to class because I was late to school to fix a problem that I should of been at the school to fix at 8:00 am
day 3. I was suppose to start on homework, that I did not and she spent the the week end helping me with.
Day 4. She was hanging out with friends and I pretty much invited myself over.. it went well but I said sorry like 4 times in text messages because I felt as if I invited myself over.
day 5. We hung out, I stayed the night, and brought up her ex, and made her think I didn't trust her, I said sorry
day 6. She was going to leave that night to go out of state, once again I came across as controlling, and not trusting, and ended up saying sorry
day 7. Hung out with her and friend, I somehow made things aqward and spent the rest of the afternoon trying to say sorry for it, I cant even remember what it was.. yet again back to forgetfulness
day 8. Her ex came over.. he knew I had stayed the night once, but nothing major happened and he left, again I was worried and it ended up as her thinking I didn't turst her and .. sorry was at it again.
... day XX I say something rude at tenis court.. sorry at it again
... day XX I forget to check my phone, get paranoid.. crap hits the fan.. over nothing... sorry sorry sorry...
This went on till the day.. it all made sense.. why I was so easily worried, and I really have not had to say sorry over stupid things like what I say as much anymore.. though I do say stupid things because I don't think before I speak.. and sometimes it does turn out bad..
... I am tired of saying I am sorry, but no matter how hard I try, I forget things, I say things I shouldn't that I don't even mean.. yet I say them.
I don't know what to do, this has always made my relationships hard, and some last outside of it, the longst being 6 months.. and I can't tell you how many times I heard that ex-gf tell me lines like "Your always sorry"
Ninja told me "You always are" .. this morning after I said sorry about being late..
I don't know what to do.. she is stressed out, she wants to love me, she hasn't said it but I know it, but yet I make it so difficult to be with, I want to make things lighter, easier, not just for her, but for us, and to better myself.
How do I go about "thinking bfore I speak" people say thing but I never can do it, even while actively trying.
What do I do.. when I mess up how can I do more than just say sorry, I ask her how I can help, how I can fix it, but she always says she is fine.
And how can be a better man to be with, even when I mess up, and even while everything is perfect.
And any extra not mention or unrelated advice is helpful I know someone out there has struggled witht his, so please feel free to give stories or extra non related.. but maybe important someday advice
Re: Looking for advice, and direction.
You want to change.... this is a good thing.....
You are in a relationship with someone who appears to want to help you to change.... again a good thing...
The question is how to change......
You have pointed out some concrete things you want to do...
1) stop being late
2) Stop saying sorry.
3) thinking before speaking.
The question is how to interrupt the impulsive acts and focus on the present. i am assuming you have little money so you have to work it out on your own.
This means getting on top of monkey mind and training it..... not beating it into submission, but training it with compassion and reward....
I would advise meditation, yoga and mindfulness. The object is to slow down, identify thoughts and feelings then let them pass through you WITHOUT reacting.
Start with V short periods.... just sitting for a few minutes with correct posture will be difficult.... but it gets easier.
you can also do some relational work... sit opposite your partner and look into their eyes as they do the same to you.... observe your reactions, feelings, emotions.... start short 1-2 mins and build up. As you build up the time you may find interesting and powerful emotions or sensations occur, do not become distracted by them but just experience them as they occur.
Look at your diary for the day.... with your partner .. prioritise what has to happen and then set your alarms an appropriate time before the event so that you have PLENTY of time to arrive. When the alarm goes begin the journey to the venue immediately. The key is to do the MINIMUM you have to do and walk/journey slowly confident you will be on time with everything you need to hand. Reduce irrelevant activities.... everything is focussed on training monkey mind.... and ensuring you pass sufficient classes to continue.
This is all simple stuff.... but for ADDers it is hard. Having a sorted/centred partner makes ALL the difference.... that person will help you AS LONG AS YOU MAKE THE EFFORT.
As far as saying sorry.... start with your partner.... when you want to say sorry say something else.... preferably something funny and surreal .... it is a code between you..... don't worry about saying sorry to other people... let that happen.... just concentrate on saying the surreal word(s) to your partner instead of sorry.... the objective is to make her and you laugh at your irrational desire to say sorry... changing the emotion.
Over time anxiety should reduce.... continually observe yourself compassionately.... even when things mess up....
Re: Looking for advice, and direction.
Just so I understand....you had taken adderall but your insurance ended because of school? I was just wondering how long you took it and if it helped. Do you have insurance now?
President of the No F's given society.
I carried a watermelon?
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