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Old 10-22-08, 02:52 AM
Drew18 Drew18 is offline
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Just Venting

This is really just me venting. I just want to say it out loud, basically I just don't want it swimming around in my head.

I was diagnosed with ADHD primarily inattentive type during the past summer. I had just gotten out from high school and grade 12 had been my hardest year yet. I found myself staying up late or not going to sleep at all because I would procrastinate and do everything else but the homework and projects I had. I found I would also become very anxious over the fact that I wasn't doing my work. Even when I was able to realize that I should be doing my work I couldn't find the motivation or focus to do it. At this same time I guess I was noticeably more down than normal (or so my friends said).

It was the anxiety that actually got me to first see my doctor. My mom was worried about me so she really suggested I go see him. I went to see him and told him about all my anxiety problems. I've always had trouble going to malls as my heart starts beating faster and in general areas with large amounts of people. I don't know why they just really bother me. Anyway he prescribed me Welbutrin XL. Which to this day I still don't know if it's working. Along with the prescription he sent me to a psychologist. It was hard enough booking an appointment and so I couldn't get one until July. During this summer I was working a full time job at a bank, not a clerk job but more of the corporate side. It is perhaps the most boring job I've had and the same issue of me knowing I should do work but for whatever reason couldn't was disheartening. Looking back, the work I was given would no doubt drive any other person with add crazy. My work for the most part consisted of copying information from one piece of paper to either an Excel document or a diagram. Generally if it was Excel I had about 20 columns to fill per Visa Statement I did and when you add the 200 Visa Statements I would get it equaled one giant gaping hole of boredom. I would always make small mistakes when transferring numbers over from the physical Visa Statement papers I had to the Excel spreadsheets, I'm not sure if this is common to people who have ADD. It is basically like the same problem I had all throughout high school, copying from the board to the paper, I always made mistakes.

Anyway, getting back to the psychologist. I saw him in July and from the first meeting he got the impression from my description of my schooling as a kid that I might have ADD. When I was younger my School Board tested me for learning disabilities as my grade 5 and 6 teachers thought that it would be beneficial. So I had the testing done, and my parents received the report and I was given some accommodations in school. I looked at the report during the summer when I gave a copy to the psychologist. When I read it I noticed they didn't have a conclusion! They had everything that I was good at and bad at but no diagnosis. This was during the time when there was that scare that doctors diagnosed every kid who couldn't pay attention with ADD and prescribed them with Ritalin. So my psychologist looked at all of old report cards and did some tests on me and determined I had ADHD primarily Inattentive. The diagnosis was made in August.

I was at first immensely relieved to realize why there was a reason why I could not focus and for why I felt I was smarter or at least could do better than some of the other people that were technically "smarter" than me. But, after that I was angry. I was angry for a couple reasons. One of them being that I could have been diagnosed 8 years ago. Two, my psychologist suggested I start on medication but with less than a month until I had to go off to University, I would have to start trying medication to find the best fit and with only a month I did not think it was enough time. Three, I told one or two of my friends that I had ADD and of course they gave that response that I'm sure everyone who has ADD has heard. It's usually something along the lines of "Sure, I can't focus either sometimes. I think I might have ADD too". That was basically what my friends said. I can't say I necessarily fault them though as that's the way ADD is viewed by the majority of people.

Fast-forward a month. I'm starting University. It's Frosh week and I should be having a great time. Except I'm not. I'd been dreading going to University for some time. I was not going to a local University; I was going to live in residence. It had taken me a while to build up the circle of friends I had in high school and to essentially start from scratch sounded terrible to me. I was coming here with a close friend of mine. She's one of those people that manage to succeed at almost everything she does. She made friends easily, could go from a party person to a studious person easily and she was able to do a **** load of things in one day that would take me a week or so to do. So compared to me not making friends easily, wanting to go to parties but the anxiety is too much for me and not being able to sit down and study, she had everything perfect. She is one of my best friends as I mentioned, and I was afraid to being with that we would drift apart in University. Not because we were not close, but because she was able to make friends faster than me, even when I tried to.

I should mention perhaps that despite us being good friends we've had our arguments. She has told me before that she always expects more from the people that she is closer with. Well I was one of those people, but it is incredibly hard for me to keep normal commitments given my inability to gage how long something will take or how I can get distracted and have what ever I'm doing take longer. So, basically every argument we've had is usually over me not coming through with something. But if I ever have the opportunity to do something and keep a commitment with a friend I will. The problem with when her and I argue is that it's mainly her being angry. Sure I might be angry for an hour, but I've always found that I get over my anger in roughly an hour to 2 hours, at most a day. So, when she gets angry at me I feel especially bad because usually once I'm done being angry, or in some cases I realize it's my fault so I'm not angry, she's still angry with me. My other friends have said before that she uses me; at one point they felt that I was just a back up for when her boyfriend didn't work. Whether that is true I don't know but I'd like to believe it is not.

Friends aside, I'm still not doing great. As I hit the first week of school I could tell the medication still wasn't working. I was taking Concerta and feeling nothing. I got up to 54 mg and didn't feel a thing. Anyway, now I'm on Adderall, and feeling mildly more able to concentrate.

My parents went on vacation roughly a week into October. When they booked it they assumed I'd be going to a local school so they didn't worry as much about how I'd be doing but as I didn't get into any local ones, I had to go to a non local one. As much as I thought I could do University on my own. I guess I'm wrong, which is distressing as I was always led to believe that University is the time in your life where you are supposed to make it on your own. Looking back now though I notice that I've always needed that one person to depend on, my parents or my above mentioned friend. I hate that I have to be so dependent because I look at everyone else around me and they are doing things on they're own.

My parentsí vacation was a two-week long thing and in those two weeks I managed to just let everything go to hell. There were times when they were gone that I found myself starting an essay that was due on a Tuesday at 12 am on Tuesday. Through out the two weeks I'm sure I broke down emotionally around 5 times and probably sank further into a depression that I'd had at a dormant, low level. I constantly felt like I was alone. People surrounded me in my residence but I couldn't have felt more alone. It was the most amounts of people I lived with in my entire life but I still felt alone. My room felt like a prison to me, and even though I could leave it I always had this trapped feeling.

I guess I felt lonely because I couldn't connect to anyone. As much as people knew me after that month and a half they didn't really know me. They knew me as Drew, the guy who makes jokes because he can't think of anything else to say, is too sarcastic all the time, talks to much when he first meets someone to try and impress them (I don't know why I do this one), and is kind of crazy (this is more because me and my friends back home shared a different type of humor than my floor mates. If you know whom David Cross, Mitch Hedberg, Patton Oswalt and Eugene Mirman are we laughed at that stuff and found that funny. Not everyone does).

The more I thought about it the more I realized how no one really knew me, I mean not even my best friends at home do, I don't even feel my parents do. They know what I appear to be like but on the inside I've never felt like anyone has ever truly known me.

On the same line, I'm a guy and one who for whatever reason constantly wants to be in a relationship. I have no clue as to why but it's probably the dependency thing there again. Well, my feelings about not being able to find a girl also weighed upon me. The main problem I also have with girls is that I constantly find myself seeing someone and than almost crushing upon them without even knowing them. The thing is I change my sights to another girl just as quickly. I don't know why maybe it's my ADD maybe I'm just not mature.

Along with my loneliness and isolation I felt lost. I felt as if I didn't know where I was going. It was like I was on a highway with no exits. I mean I can't see the future but I also can't see a future with me in it, I can't see myself in the future. I just don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. All of what's happening in my life right now feels like it's happening too fast.

I suppose the last feeling I got during those two weeks was a kind of idea of just escaping everything. I had no plan on killing myself and although in the past I've thought about suicide, I'd never go through with it. In all honesty it's because I can't stand to think about how I'd leave behind my family and friends. That and the fact that to go that far as to actually actively go about killing myself isn't something I can physically do. The feelings that I was having at the time were just if I were dead I wouldn't have to deal with any of this stuff. I often thought about getting in my car and just driving. I didn't need to go somewhere special, just anywhere from here. But much the same as my thought on suicide. There was no way I could go through with it. This is mainly because I care much about what others think about me I guess.

Well anyway my parents came back, and I'm going to start with a psychologist here. I still have these feelings. I still feel lonely, unable to connect, lost and want to escape. But more or less I've just developed this feeling of what's the point to all that I'm doing or not doing. It's just my motivation to do most things that matter is gone.
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Old 10-22-08, 02:56 AM
Drew18 Drew18 is offline
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Re: Just Venting

I don't expect anyone to get through this :P. but if you do give yourself a pat on the back.
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Old 10-22-08, 04:19 AM
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Re: Just Venting

Hey you could be me IF I were male and 20 years younger...(yikes)
Yet actually I enjoyed the social aspects of college; I was socially so miserable in high school that college just had to be better, I just literally "jumped in". Looking back, I have no idea how I did that. I had an exceptional group of floor mates, which really was just pure coincidence, I mean women can be be awful to each other but we had a great group. If it's any consolation, best you are having these feelings earlier than later and are getting help now, because for me it all piled up over the years and I was very bad off until 2 years ago when I first sought help - for anxiety.
i just found out about inattentive ADD last spring though. And this forum, just a few weeks ago!
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Old 10-22-08, 06:30 AM
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Re: Just Venting

Yes, familiar territory here as well.
There comes a point you begin to doubt everything about your life. I've had those times. I am trying to keep them in the past. And succeeding at the moment.

Wondering what I was good for, thinking about driving/sailing/flying off into the distance and never looking back, inventing private imaginary lives and that kind of stuff.
It is something you have to work through. It is part of what makes us grow. But there is pain involved, inevitably.

Remember that true strength can only be found inside yourself. You must not wait for somebody or something to go fix everything for you. Either that will not happen at all or you find a glimmer of hope somewhere which will disappoint you.

It is you who has to do it. The sooner you realise that, the better it is.

If you rely on strength from the outside you will end up just taking. If you find the strength in yourself you can truly begin to give. And that will make you much richer in the end.

But each of us is a valuable and powerful individual. That strength is there somewhere.
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May you be blessed.
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