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  #16  
Old 05-15-18, 03:42 PM
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Re: Am I in hell?

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Originally Posted by SuperP View Post
have you tried talking to God about it? Maybe its sounds lame, but when i wake up in the morning, I lay it all out to God. are you grateful for anything at all? For the roof over your head? Start making a list of every little thing you are grateful for. Wake up in the morning and give it all to God and ask him/her for help, guidance. Ask Him to use you for His will and not yours..I dont know if this would help you, but it helps me. In the last two years, my 18 year old son was diagnosed with cancer, my mom passed away and my sister was diagnosed with a mental disorder...so its been hard getting up every morning, but I do it one day at a time by surrendering myself to my Higher Power.

If there is a god, they don't hear me. Which would make sense, assuming I am actually in hell.
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Old 05-15-18, 04:19 PM
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Re: Am I in hell?

are you grateful for anything at all? when my son was sick, I was grateful that we had healthcare and access to good food and clean water...I had to retrain my brain to look at all the things I had to be grateful for. Not denying the pain, but also looking at the blessings...

what if you knew that your existence was crucial. that every single day you have the opportunity to encourage someone with your smile, by opening a door or saying a kind word, you could change someone's day or life?

Just want to say I am not a doctor, but Ive been really depressed before. I wanted to die when I found out my son had cancer and things didnt look very good at all for him. I felt like I was in hell too. Im not trying to make light of what you are going through, just throwing out some things that helped me and still help me to make it one day at a time.

Last edited by SuperP; 05-15-18 at 04:41 PM..
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  #18  
Old 05-15-18, 04:33 PM
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Re: Am I in hell?

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Originally Posted by SuperP View Post
are you grateful for anything at all? when my son was sick, I was grateful that we had healthcare and access to good food and clean water...I had to retrain my brain to look at all the things I had to be grateful for. Not denying the pain, but also looking at the blessings...

what if you knew that your existence was crucial. that every single day you have the opportunity to encourage someone with your smile, by opening a door or saying a kind word, you could change someone's day or life?

I can't feel grateful for anything that I have, because none of it is earned. The things I have are handed to me without me doing anything to actually deserve them.


I'd feel much better if they were things that i've worked hard for, but I can never seem to work hard for anything. So I haven't earned the right to feel grateful.
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Old 05-15-18, 04:50 PM
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Re: Am I in hell?

life is hard as fck lol. its completely unreliable and so are the people in it. gl
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Old 05-15-18, 05:02 PM
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Re: Am I in hell?

fraser,
its depression
comorbid with your adhd perhaps, but what do i know?
ive visited there on brief occasions
i saw what it did to my mom
im now convinced i had at times, a hollow shell of a parent
i don't quite remember how she finally got proper treatment and it was after yr 2000, but, she could never go without those meds, she would go through something traumatic (life event) and then get antipressants, then when better, stop taking them...

she had a chemical inbalNce easily remedied by daily low dose of meds
again i dont know if thatz your case but it ckuld be

you have posted many kind and witty things here, that guy is somewhere still!

sorry for typos, i am on kindle keyboard)
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Old 05-15-18, 05:13 PM
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Re: Am I in hell?

Have a thoughtful cigarette, sometimes what should be will come to you.
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Old 05-15-18, 05:17 PM
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Re: Am I in hell?

I've had about 20 of those today and I don't even smoke.... back to the bottle.
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Old 05-15-18, 05:18 PM
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Re: Am I in hell?

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Originally Posted by Fraser_0762 View Post
I've had about 20 of those today and I don't even smoke.... back to the bottle.
Any port in a storm.
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Old 05-15-18, 06:00 PM
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Re: Am I in hell?

You sound depressed Fraser. And depression is hell. I mean I've got no idea what hell is like and I highly doubt it's existence but depression ranks pretty low when it comes to quality of life..or anything that relates to quality or anything that relates to life.

I'm sorry because I'm sure you've already said it what have you been treated for again? I remember vaguely you saying that anti depressants didn't work for you.
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Old 05-15-18, 06:11 PM
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Re: Am I in hell?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperP View Post
are you grateful for anything at all? when my son was sick, I was grateful that we had healthcare and access to good food and clean water...I had to retrain my brain to look at all the things I had to be grateful for. Not denying the pain, but also looking at the blessings...

what if you knew that your existence was crucial. that every single day you have the opportunity to encourage someone with your smile, by opening a door or saying a kind word, you could change someone's day or life?

Just want to say I am not a doctor, but Ive been really depressed before. I wanted to die when I found out my son had cancer and things didnt look very good at all for him. I felt like I was in hell too. Im not trying to make light of what you are going through, just throwing out some things that helped me and still help me to make it one day at a time.
There is a difference between situational depression and chemical chronic depression.

The first can be helped by meditation, talk therapy, and a good support system.

The second one isn't something where you can think yourself better by being
super grateful or by retraining your brain.

I struggled with the second one for years because my doctor at the time was
sure I was "just unhappy" at being a stay at home mom. He didn't ask me if
anything was bothering me at the time, just assumed he knew what I felt.

Finally filing for divorce helped a little bit, but finally getting a proper diagnosis
and treatment for chemical depression and chronic anxiety was a life saver.


I'm not saying that you didn't have depression over your son's health issues,
only that it was situational. You weren't depressed before his diagnosis right?
I hope he's okay now. I've lost several loved ones to cancer, my daughter is a
20 year cancer survivor.

My feelings about those illnesses and deaths was not the same as my chronic
chemical depression.
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  #26  
Old 05-15-18, 11:05 PM
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Re: Am I in hell?

(((Fraser)))

I wish I could gently help you get up and out somewhere to do some volunteering...without making you feel like you "have" to do it.
Probably at a nursing home.

I think you're stuck in your head. You're not living in your body, or the earth...but you've locked yourself inside your mind.
Not sure if that makes sense.
But it's something I do.

I think getting out and just being with people who appreciate your existance...people who just want someone to sit and listen to them. To just know that you care about them...would do a lot for you. Would help pop you right out of your mind and back into the world again.

It's something that would do a tremendous amount for me as well.

I wish I'd follow some of the advice and suggestions I'm always giving others.

(((Bro Hug)))


Please don't give up man.
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Old 05-15-18, 11:17 PM
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Re: Am I in hell?

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I feel an overwhelming feeling of pain and rejection. It's like everybody is waiting for me to die. I'm prepared to do anything to feel nothing right now, but i'm convinced i'm already dead.
who is a mental health professional you can share this with? this post in particular leapt out at me.

do you mean this seriously? you don't have to answer on here. but the more literally you mean all of the above, the more necessary it is for you to talk to someone about it.

i have some similar beliefs at times and these are really hard to make go away without some help, in my experience. message me if it helps. i'm around. and i care. xx
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Old 05-16-18, 12:20 AM
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Re: Am I in hell?

You'd be better off trying CBT.
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Old 05-19-18, 02:30 PM
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Re: Am I in hell?

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Originally Posted by Fraser_0762 View Post
I focus on myself because i'm the only company I have. If I don't focus on me, I don't focus on anything, because there is nothing else.

You never leave your home? I don't know about you, but I don't have adequate indoor gardens on which to feed myself. I have to go to a store to buy food. Every engagement with another human is a reason to focus on someone else. I ask how their day is going, etc.


I figure if there are 10 people in the room, then focusing on me is the least interesting of the ten options. In fact, if there are 5 people in the room and the other four are in two couples, then there are not four other people to focus on, but six. Four individuals and two couples. I might see a couple laughing and think "how do they do that?" and in fact, I might tell them I love seing people so happy together, how do you do it? They may brush me off as goofy, but they may also say "we have hobbies together like x, and y and z".


I can't learn a damned thing by focusing on me. I have to focus outside of me. Heck, just watching a stupid TV show gets me focusing on how stupid TV shows are and that by itself changes my focus.


Sitting here in the otherwise empty library, I can gaze at the stacks of books and consider why I like the look of that one better than the other one. Are the books lined up more neatly, or is it actually the more chaotic looking one, and chaos just feels like how my brain works anyway?


Do you ever put clothing on? When doing so, do you marvel at how anybody could possibly design something that so well matches the weird shape of the human body that it actually stays on without falling off? I do....


Internal focus isn't bad. Judging it is. Just to try something different, I recommend you go to YouTube and look up "Mindfulness for beginners" and after that, perhaps "5 minute mindfulness meditation". It's not spooky or religious, it's just a way to cause your brain to focus on where YOU want it to focus, instead of letting it have its own way.


Want proof that it works? I'm going to write a paragraph. Read it aloud to yourself, because this will help you memorize it. Then do it.


Sit in a chair in a room. Look at one of your knees. Now, look up and find something on the wall to look at, maybe a corner, maybe a dirt smudge, maybe a doorknob. Now, close your eyes and imagine looking at a point in space between your knees and that spot on the wall.


OK, that's it. If you were able to successfully look at your knee, then the wall, then you have proven to yourself that you can intentionally alter your focus. If you were also able to envision seeing a point somewhere between your knee and the wall, then you have also proven that you can focus on things that don't actually exist. That's power.


There's more to it and more capability to it, and it's called Mindfulness and is a very gentle and intentional form of taking control of your brain. It is a completely accepted tool in the world of psychology and neuroscience.


WMM
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Old 05-19-18, 02:42 PM
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Re: Am I in hell?

I can be out all day, shopping, gym, grabbing a bite and so on.... and I don't talk to anyone. I swipe my card at the gym and use the self service counters at the stores. Whenever I get on the bus to take me anywhere, I just scan my buspass on the scanner and walk on.... without saying a single word.


I say nothing, nobody else says anything to me.
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