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  #1  
Old 05-15-18, 06:11 PM
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I can't change

I'm so tired of fighting myself all the time. Every moment there's this freaking thought in my head: "I must do better. I will do better."

I think I'm finally giving up hope. I can't change. I can't do better. I know now that I can't.

D should probably give up even wanting to to change. It's tiring and it's futile anyway. I'm.jist worried that I'gg up completely if I stop trying to change.

CAn anyone relate?
Aybe more importantly, how do you change? How do you stop yourself from doing the same things over and over though ulyou okow thstbstnsomeooijt
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  #2  
Old 05-15-18, 06:28 PM
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Re: I can't change

hey fuzzy...i've felt like that before. i still feel like that in some ways. i can relate.

i think, for me, the only thing that brings about change is a level of immediate accountability. so, like, my going to therapy twice a week is something i have been supposed to do for ages, but it's only working that i'm doing it now because i get reminders and i've gotten to know the therapist and would feel badly if i just no showed on her. maybe a better example is with taking my medications. i ******* hate them. i hate everything about them except that they keep me out of the hospital and alive. and even that is debatable. but i had to restructure my morning so that i do it first thing before i even have time to think about it. i still struggle with this, but i've been treatment compliant for almost three months now, so i'm getting better--granted, a good month of that was in hospital, but you know what i mean.

i do think that there is something useful in identifying what to change and making something smaller than your goal, at least initially. there are lots of things about myself i would LOVE to change (most especially my having a psychotic disorder), but i can't change that. i can try to accept it. but that's also quite challenging for me.

i guess i'm saying i don't know the best way to change or even if real substantive change is possible long term, but i do think that there are things to direct energy toward and other things it's best to just learn to let go. i suspect that with you, there are several things you'd like to change, but maybe only a few where you could choose to direct your energy and work little by little to effect change over time.

i get being impatient and feeling like it's all futile anyway, though, too. xx
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Old 05-15-18, 08:26 PM
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Re: I can't change

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 View Post
I'm so tired of fighting myself all the time. Every moment there's this freaking thought in my head: "I must do better. I will do better."

I think I'm finally giving up hope. I can't change. I can't do better. I know now that I can't.

D should probably give up even wanting to to change. It's tiring and it's futile anyway. I'm.jist worried that I'gg up completely if I stop trying to change.

CAn anyone relate?
Aybe more importantly, how do you change? How do you stop yourself from doing the same things over and over though ulyou okow thstbstnsomeooijt
I can so relate to being my worst enemy. Constantly, trying to live up to that voice in my head is overwhelming and very stressful.

Give up on listening to and fearing that thought “I must do better. I will do better” if you somehow can. Obsessive thoughts like that cause anxiety and quilt.

Try making tiny positive changes without beating yourself up if you don’t succeed at them. Change takes time but stressing yourself from it causes burnout. How about baby steps and lowering your expectations?

Last edited by Greyhound1; 05-16-18 at 06:37 PM.. Reason: OCD typo
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Old 05-15-18, 08:35 PM
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Re: I can't change

I can relate almost everyday since I semi reached "adulthood".

Recently I decided not to try and change, take the medication and got a union job washing dishes and bussing tables.

And for the last month as I wipe the crumbs off the tables, I noticed I have felt so happy keeping things simple.

Then the boss told me he wanted to promote me to second cook, and I have been distressed about it ever since.

I think I am going to tell him I just want to wash dishes and bus tables, even though I make 4 thousand of dollar less a year.

I also always wanted to go to university but always get completely overwhelmed after thinking about changing.

But when I wash tables and bus tables, I feel very confident if I take just one course, I could do it, one course at a time.

I recently told this to a friend and the friend said, "what are you going to do when you finished university"

And I replied, " I do not have a plan."

And my friend replied, "you must have a plan"

I said, "I do not need to know what I am going to do"

And we both laughed.

Thanks Fuzzy12 for the remindfulness.

(The next university courses do not start until the fall)

So I am going to sign up for just one online course that I have been wanting to take for a couple of years at the Neufeld Institute right now.





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Old 05-15-18, 09:45 PM
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Re: I can't change

I relate Fuzzy.

Know that no matter what happens...I wont judge you. I wont frown upon you. You don't have to be anything more than you are.
Though you may consider yourself a loser and a failure.
You aren't either to me. That's for damned sure.

I only wish you didn't feel such guilt and self hatred. These are feelings I bare for myself like you all to often.

(((((((Fuzzy)))))))

I wish 1on1 counseling was better over there across the pond.
That's what I'm doing. I actually set my appointments up just today. I'm going to see a therapist once a week, specifically to work on these sorts of doubts and fears. I want a job SO f'ing badly Fuz ...but I just KNOW I'll only quit soon after getting it. Cause that's who I am and I've not changed after all these years. I'm a quitter. A loser.
I'm hoping a therapist can help me change these negative thoughts towards myself...maybe that will help me?

I'm sorry Fuzzy.
I'm not sure why. I just am. For many reasons I guess.

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Old 05-15-18, 09:59 PM
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Re: I can't change

Yeah, it is hard to change. After I finally decided to try a stimulant for my ADHD again about nine months ago, I thought that this was going to fix everything. But it's still been pretty difficult to change old habits and patterns of doing things and ways of thinking about things.

My doctor has encouraged me to get more feedback from others so that I can more accurately tell where I'm making improvements and where I'm not. So, my partner came with me to my appointment with my therapist about a month ago, and he brought up some of the same old ADHD things that I sometimes do that have been a problem in the past. I somehow imagined that I had made more progress on those than had in fact been the case and I felt kind of discouraged afterwards. But everything wasn't all bad. He had also seen significant improvements in other smaller things, and that gave me a little hope.
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Old 05-15-18, 11:57 PM
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Re: I can't change

Quote:
Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
I wish 1on1 counseling was better over there across the pond.
That's what I'm doing. I actually set my appointments up just today. I'm going to see a therapist once a week, specifically to work on these sorts of doubts and fears. I want a job SO f'ing badly Fuz ...but I just KNOW I'll only quit soon after getting it. Cause that's who I am and I've not changed after all these years. I'm a quitter. A loser.
I'm hoping a therapist can help me change these negative thoughts towards myself...maybe that will help me?
(
Good progress! I'm glad you are going to a counselor. Good luck!

How do you change? Slowly. Step by step. I went from completely non functioning to what I've been told is "successful" in a normal sense. But it certainly wasn't overnight. It took a year and a half just to get myself stable enough to progress. And I still need med adjustments from time to time.

And be prepared! I have done my ADA paperwork at my place of employment which secures my job if I get locked up again. I'm winning the battle at the moment but I know there may come a time when I am not. I need that safety net so I don't lose everything.

Also, get used to getting out of your comfort zone. You don't make changes by staying in your comfort zone. You can always come back to it when you need to but don't just stay there! The farther you can go, the better. I'm afraid of heights so I went skydiving. This summer I may go back to working on my certification for it. Was out last year because of an injury (from a skydiving accident actually). Get out there. Do things. Push boundaries. And stay stubborn. Never give up on yourself. The only thing stopping you is you.
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Old 05-16-18, 12:23 AM
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Re: I can't change

I can relate to this.

sometimes we do need the rest. remember that thing that you did and loved when you where ten? do that. maybe take a week off and just do that.

there is always hope, I remember battling myself, I don't anymore. my thoughts are my own and when I have a combined thought I start to notice and retrace where it came from. but therapy freaking changes lives man.

I got a few tips you could try: differentiate. think of this thought like this, ever take a drink of Pepsi and expect dr pepper? it's like a swirl of chaos in your mouth until you look and see that you drinking pepsi, then bham, you taste pepsi. in our lives we know what pepsi and dr pepper tastes like, part of that is the look or the bottle and words associated, part of that is the taste, part of that is social cues(everything tastes like chicken), then you have the smell, water/ice content. I mean there is a lot going on with a pepsi product. if one thing is out of order, say it's watered down or a bit flat, we notice, immediately.

there is a lot going on with a can of Pepsi, and the reason that is is that there is a lot going on with us. somewhere down the line we made value calls on a personal level about a can of pepsi, the design, the taste, the smell. I have a friend who loves flat pepsi, I mean... thats HIS thing not MY thing.we put emotion into the taste (ahh man that's crisp) the smell, the carbonation. that came from each persons own preference and conscious choice, we just,one day pulled out of almost thin air this prefrence, what we really did was pull what was unconscious, conscious. each of those subroutines, what is a subroutine, I can go to google and find out and bring order to chaos.

then we just end up with a can of pepsi we can enjoy (not getting paid by pepsi). all the subroutines are in place, all our emotion in tact.

but it's up to the person (you and me) to actually do this, I can't do this for you without creating some sort of echo.

a task list is very similar. for me, just the name is boring, action plan is the way to go for me. I invest a bit of myself into the act of creating a plan for myself, emotional investment. I love video games and kung fu movies, did some kenpo back in the day (still want to get back with that), so that is where my emotional attachment comes from and I write it down (the act of writing is a direct pipeline to our memory), I then break the action plan down into steps. simple and precise steps cause I don't my imagination taking flight and get a dopamine hit from just creating a plan for the day. CLEAN: Desk, Floor, Bed. I then have in my head those three things to clean, it doesn't matter how much stuff is on the desk, I just clean what is on the desk. I then check it off, and THAT is the dopamine hit. at the end of the day, I post what I did and elaborate, post down my thoughts and feelings of just doing this thing, I have to be honest if it was harder than I thought or easier, honesty is the only way to break any chains.

the thing about differentiating is we start conceptualizing order among the chaos. just like the can of pepsi analogy, we start creating a hierarchy or systems, we start to see what that looks like. with righting a bit about the experience of cleaning, how we felt after etc... we put in our own emotional investment into cleaning. I used to suck at cleaning, now, I'm pretty decent at it after just a bit a few weeks, I actually enjoy it sometimes.

what we don't do in creating these hierarchical systems is put in "cleaning, desk, floor, pet the dog, bed". in creating a system we start to realize what order really is, and then we can put those systems in place elsewhere. I started to realize how important post it notes are, so I went and got a lot of them, I started realizing how important organization is (pencils go here, paper goes there, trash goes there). I started challenging myself and stepping up to the plate, still am.

once we start ingraining a hierarchy into our bones so to speak, we...start to organize ourselfs. our wants, needs, beliefs, relationships. we can then also start doing that with people, separating our beliefs from other's. I tend to be really empathetic in person, so this really helps. that's not stonewalling, that's individuation.

another thing you might try is incorporating something important to you in daily life with tasks that aren't really pleasant. for classes that aren't my cup of tea (accounting, ugh) I can (and have) written why accounting is important for my future (I need the degree). however, people with ADHD tend to be rather creative. I love music, playing, learning, listening. when I clean I listen to a certain type of music, when I study I listen to a certain type of music. I'm not 100% sure, but I think that keeps my dopamine drip from music going while doing a task that doesn't provide any.

one more thing I can recommend. stay away from certain words. for instance, for you I think staying away from the phrases "I must do better. I will do better." will drastically help. certain words for me are weighted no matter how positive they sound, they are chained to something in my past, whenever I say them I....dip....in time but the problem is, I dip so far back in time I don't know what is chaining them(the visual cue from typical projection isn't there), hopefully one day I will figure that out, but I'm ok for now.

however, I do want to point this out " D should probably give up even wanting to to change", I don't think you are fighting yourself, I think you are fighting D , it really sounds like he projected some toxins on you and you might be trying to fight an echo.
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Old 05-16-18, 12:38 AM
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Re: I can't change

I think we SHOULD expect better of ourselves. We should also learn to gracefully accept failure and use it's lessons for the next applicable moment.

I think these should be reasonable things. Sadly, I had to give up on my career in modeling. So keep it relevant and positive. Things like "I can do better" are fine I supposed. But you need to be specific and. "I can do better at washing the dishes every day". Or "I can add one serving of fruit to my lunch". And then you do your best. And I bet some days you nail it and some days you don't. Forgive yourself for failing and say it or write it again. Think what you could do to do better the next round. "I will do better at x by doing y as well" Then you can go onto harder topics as you keep track of your progress. As you grow in ability what you can do grows too.

There is no winning without failing.
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Old 05-16-18, 03:42 AM
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Re: I can't change

Small wins. That's how. It's a work in progress. So take something simple like quit coffee. Over 2 months I've gone from about 5 cups to 1 cup a day. Some days I screw up. But I take the small wins.

Everything is harder without meds so baby steps.

Otherwise you end up overwhelmed trying to fix everything at once.
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Old 05-16-18, 07:48 AM
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Re: I can't change

Maybe the first thing I should change is writing unintelligible posts when I'm falling asleep.

Thanks so much for the replies guys. I actually found them super motivating. Yes, I can't stop trying to improve. I don't want to live like this. I don't want to get obesity related diseases in five years. I don't want to miss out on learning the things I find interesting. I don't want to do a sucky job.

Little changes but where to start? The most pressing is probably my health. I need to lose weight. What changes to make? What would I realistically be able to do? There are so many things I could do and each one of them seems top priority and each one of them requires some amount of will power, some amount of impulse control. Everything does, doesn't it?

And then there's my job. I'm already lagging behind. I already got a long to do list. I'm already being reminded to do stuff and do them quickly.

I am medicated. It helps me focus but nothing else.

I'm
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Old 05-16-18, 07:56 AM
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Re: I can't change

I'll reply properly later because there are some brilliant points in the replies that id like to discuss i just want to point out that in my OP when I said

"D should probably give up even wanting to to change. It's tiring and it's futile anyway. I'm.jist worried that I'gg up completely if I stop trying to change."

"D" is a typo. I meant I as in "I should probably give up even wanting to change. "
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Old 05-16-18, 08:46 AM
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Re: I can't change

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Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 View Post
"D" is a typo. I meant I as in "I should probably give up even wanting to change. "
Oh for goodness sakes Fuzzy! What is wrong with you!!!
Can't you try a little harder?!!
GAWD!!!




....

Oh goodness I hope you know I'm joking! lol...I have a pretty strong allergy to being angry at my Fuzzy. Tongue swells up, face gets covered in hives, arms develop a rash...
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Old 05-16-18, 11:43 AM
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Re: I can't change

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I think I'm finally giving up hope. I can't change. I can't do better. I know now that I can't.
Fuzzy- DO you even need to change? Who says?
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Old 05-16-18, 11:46 AM
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Re: I can't change

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Fuzzy- DO you even need to change? Who says?
I wish I could give you +reps for this...but I gotta spread it around.
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