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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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  #1  
Old 10-18-04, 07:18 PM
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Question How has ADD affected your relationship w/ your parents?

I was wondering how, if at all, ADD has affected your relationship w/ your parents? Whether diagnosed or not, disagnosed early or late, do you think the ADD made things worse (too challenging for them) or were they understanding? Did your ADD have little to do with your relationship w/ them? Have you resolved, or working to resolve, any ADD related issues with them? How?







I'd have to say that my Dad, especially, had little patience with my personality in general. He did not give the extra help I needed with school and organization. My Mom and I have a good relationship but she was always convinced that if you want something bad enough you'll do it. So when I failed, it was due to my not trying hard enough or being lazy. She is skeptical of ADD, as if you just "get over it", but is slowly more understanding. Giving her a few educational pointers about it every so often has helped.

Actually it goes the same for my bipolar. No patience or understanding from my Dad, and my Mom shrugged and thought I was going through "normal" childhood emotions. If that was "normal" then childhood is h*ll.

I wonder if the personality of the parent has more to do with how the various mental idiosyncrasies are handled and not so much the disorders themselves. Your thoughts?
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  #2  
Old 10-19-04, 02:16 AM
RhapsodyInBlue RhapsodyInBlue is offline
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I no longer have parents as I was adopted, and the adopted ones' abuse became sufficient for me to walk away 2 years ago and never look back. However, the abuse I suffered as a small child I can now link to me having ADD and not being "normal", and I was told this on a very frequent basis.

Andrei has virtually been disowned since revealing to his adoptive parents that he has mild OCD along with the ADHD. We haven't heard a word in months. [Yes, both adopted]

There has never been any understanding shown towards us from them at all. Unless Andrei is in a high flying exec position, he is disposable to them. I have tried to write them that these types of jobs, whilst he has been able to do them, are NOT what he is really suited for. No understanding on their part.

EYEFORGOT, you actually brought up and issue where I am feeling at a dead end with right now. Do we write them any more or not?

I think "how" we are dealt with by parents, inlaws, ect, has a great impact on how we deal with feelings about ourselves.

Great Topic!
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Old 10-19-04, 02:58 AM
inautumnforfree inautumnforfree is offline
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seem to be handling it ok. my mom went to most of the doctor's appointments with me.

it bothers me when they make a comment when im daydreaming. especially out in public, which has happened twice in the last two times we went out to eat.
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Old 10-19-04, 11:57 AM
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It was hell for my parents. I grew up in a small college town. I was always bad with money and very rebellious etc etc... problems really started to manifest themselves when I got into college there and started having financial dealings with friends and acquantances of my parents. Renting houses, loans from the bank, etc. I would not be able to pay. Word also travels quick when you flunk out of your classes. They really had to think I was a piece of sh*t as ADD was never considered, they just thought I was a drunk or on drugs.
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Old 10-19-04, 12:24 PM
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I'm just heading out for a week or two to visit mom so I'll get a good chance to discuss. Over the phone, she has pretty much dismissed the diagnosis saying "everybody has trouble with something" and "life isn't easy" and "there's nothing wrong with you" and "you just need to try harder" etc. But we get along well and we are very similar personality-wise to the point that if I have it, she probably does too. And that's got to be hard for anyone to accept after 70 years of not knowing! She readily admits she suffers from depression but she doesn't like the antidepressants taking away the spice of life.
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Old 10-19-04, 01:11 PM
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My parents don't understand me,they still shout at me if I do things such as leaving gas on or not locking doors and have a go at me when I have forgotten to do something.
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Old 10-29-04, 12:46 AM
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well my mother is an immigrant, just doesn't even know what it is..
it has greatly affected my relationship w/ her...she constantly harped when i was little about how come "you are so smart ..you can't remember anything? how do you forget everything? you already know that i told you already...."blah blah..why cant you be normal?
my friends daughter is sooo good to her mother like she should be....
i hope you have children just like yourself then you'll know!
you're SO bad i want to kill myself...
what is WRONG WITH YOU?
you are so LAZY
why do you sleep so much?

you get the picture.
nowadays:

after a few years of my mother hanging up on me b/c she would pull some of the same crap on me in my earlier twenties-well lets just say: she kicked me out of the house when i was 15..and i've seen her three times in the last decade (i'm now 29)
i love her to death.but i realize now that there will be no true communication. it is now my goal to make everything easy for her and not to burn my bridge. when we did the whole phone hanging up thing, she would start her critique about my lame dropping out of school etc..and why was i just waiting tables...your cousin already has a masters at berkeley! whats wrong with you! i would respond without even really controlling myself with a : jesus freaaaking christ! i cannot f ing believe this! you are such a biatch!!!!
and she would hang up.
wasn't a good method of mine.
i grew up. i realized i cannot expect her to change..just as she shouldn't try to change me..but what can i do?
i just tell her nowadays: yes mother everything is SOOO fabulous and i am skinny again and my son is really smart and i make lots of money and i'm back in school. i love you.

my dad? he's awol. mentally and literally...hes a schizophrenic and i haven't been able to talk to him for a few years and i'm afraid he's homeless somewhere and lost to me forever.
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Old 11-01-04, 12:57 AM
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my whole family has add (parents and sister) and we werent diagnosed until last year. so let me tell you, a house with 4 add undiagnosed cases makes for an interesting childhood. in high school i was always butting heads with my mom especially, having the impulsive screaming matches and the like, but now we have the best relationship. she has alot of guilt associated with how add has affected her past, so she loves giving me tons of advice on how to get around certain issues. my whole family competely understands everything that as individuals weve secretly gone thru, so were all very forgiving of each other's pasts and presents.
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Old 11-17-04, 03:34 PM
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i think ADD has ruined my parents relationship.
At 10 years old I used to sleepwalk all the time so my parents called the pastor over to our house and cast demons out of me.
My father used to beat me daily for always forgetting and not finishing things,getting distracted, always accusing me of being lazy and slow.
last time I talked to my father he asked me who I was voting for ( I said Kerry) he flipped out yelled at me about what a strange child I was, how lazy I am, he could never figure me out. Since he is a fundamentalist, he blames it on the devil and me, and tells me that I want to go to hell, and he isnt interested in any relationship with me unless I repent and rejoin the church .

Needless to say we have no relationship at all and I see them about once a year, even though they only live a few miles away
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Old 11-17-04, 04:11 PM
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My parents still deny ADD, But I dont live with them.
In my own household being I have ADD my 2 little ones try to use the ole add excuse for everything. I know what is related and what is not.....All I have to do is remember what I used to do
I try to explain over and over to my kids the pros of ADD and It's anvantages and short comings.
They dazzle the teachers with their verbal and quick Ideas from the hip but socially are single out as diffrent, I remember this
I want to be a parent who expresses love and humility and to let them know it's OK not to know something. The problem is when you know to much to learn new things because of pride.
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Old 11-17-04, 04:28 PM
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I dunno if my parents believe in ADD or not. It doesn't matter, though, because they believe in me. I'm a lot closer with my mom than my dad, and her 3 brothers all probably have ADD, so I think she might actually think it's real. Nonetheless, she's told me that since seeing the psychiatrist, my attitude has improved immensely, and she's very supportive. My parents rock.
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Old 11-18-04, 04:22 AM
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Needless to say, my ADHD wreaked havoc on myself and my family. Unfortunately, I grew up when it was first being diagnosed and my parents (for whatever reason) did nothing about it. I think they are from a generation where asking for help just wasn't an option and the availability of help was also scarce. I am so grateful for all the assistance I've had with my two ADDers and have learned a lot about what went wrong in my family.

We are slowly starting to build some bridges after almost 25 years of minimal contact. My mother actually told me on my trip home that "of course you were hyperactive" and "I'm so glad you're finally getting help for it"....After all those years of being told I was just bad, lazy, difficult, crazy it was nice to hear her finally call a spade a spade!

I hurt for them, though, too because they really had a handful with me and just didn't have the information and assistance they needed. I really do believe they did the best they could given their circumstances.

Kim
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Old 11-18-04, 07:27 AM
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Talking kids haven kids is not a good start,then throw in some ADD.

Mom and Dad,
Suck,Now after all these yrs***********they are only faint memoreze of not so good yelling and screaming,and rippin on me,

YOUR LAZY,YOUR NOT MOTIVATED, OH MY FAVEERITE "YOUR PATHETIC"
YOUR GIVING OUR FAMILY NAME A BLACK EYE.

PULL YOUR SELF UP BY THE BOOT STRAPS,WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?
"WHAT DO YOU MEEN /YOU FORGOT"THE LIST TOO.

For some reason
Dad got Paralized in a runk&Flurting with Fishermens Wifes! oops dont fall off the cliff ---maybe Karma?

Mom is a college grad ,fat and a Man haten Lezbeian up in Oregon and she always hated fat people too, Karma for treating me as a child so mean.

Both of my Parents dont have ADD,
Both are very Smart.
I have allways thought I was adopted,or at the least was treated that way.

Sorry for the Rant----
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Old 11-18-04, 03:52 PM
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My mother doesn't belive in ADD or ADHD

My parents obviously were not well informed when I was growing up, Father was an alcoholic, and Mom worked hard to keep a roof for us, so always thought I was a burden to the family and hopeless. The lightbulb just came on for myself Thank God!, after 42 years (i'm newly diagnosed ADHD) and my Mother absolutely refuses to acknowledge that I have ADHD and always probably did, my brother I am sure is, never been officially diagnosed but no doubt in my mind now. I am the parent of 2 sons---one is ADHD and one is ADD-inattentive. I believe in ADD & ADHD. I believe my mother thinks that doctors, and drug companies are just getting $$$$. I don't agree at all. I encourage everbody that has an intution to Research, research, research. Life has been H... way to long. I will probably never have the relationship I would like to have with my Mother, but I am working on me. I can't work on my relationship with my Dad -- I lost him to lung cancer 15 years ago - Nov.27, 1989. Dad you always supported me..thanks from down here!
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Old 11-18-04, 04:47 PM
T1Thoughts T1Thoughts is offline
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