ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community  

Go Back   ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community > ADULTS AND ADD/ADHD > Relationships & Social Issues
Register Blogs FAQ Chat Members List Calendar Donate Gallery Arcade Mark Forums Read

Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 06-29-18, 05:34 PM
oczadd oczadd is offline
Newbie
 

Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 1
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
oczadd is on a distinguished road
Lost in my relationship...

I'm a male in my early 30's and in a 4 year relationship with my similarly aged girlfriend. This is my first relationship of this length and the first where marriage was a serious consideration.

I am currently undiagnosed, but strongly suspect that I have adult ADHD. I have had trouble committing to various stages throughout the whole relationship, and realized after some therapy last year that ADHD may be a contributing factor to this (along with some family issues in the past). Since discovering this and reading article after article, I've seen all of the ways it has impacted our relationship over the years.

This article really resonated with me, and I think that I've dealt with my fear of failure over the years by becoming a "people pleaser" with no real goals of my own. I think that has lead to a point where although I love my girlfriend deeply, there are aspects of her that I question whether I can truly accept.

However, after years of commitment issues, she seems to be burnt out and feeling insecure about the relationship and under scrutiny, and discussions about our relationship and future have gotten difficult. She has a biological clock that is ticking, and she wants to know now whether I'm ready to get married.

I can't sort out whether my doubts are just driven by unrealistic expectations, or a need for something different. She has a tendency to be sensitive as well, which doesn't always mesh well with my ADHD, and has led to large fights. I'm not sure if she really knows what it will be like to be with me forever, and honestly this is all so new to me that I don't think I know either. We've historically had significant difficulty communicating, and have been in therapy for a while now which has helped a bit.

My main concerns come down to difficulties exploring and trying new things, both in general and in the bedroom (although she enjoys sex, she doesn't really have fantasies or turn ons).

I just want more time, but I'm not sure if that's fair to her, and I really don't think she's willing to give it to me. Has anyone felt the same way before getting married? How sure am I supposed to be about this? I really can't see a life without her, but there are things I'm not completely confident in. I have trouble telling if this is real, or just concerns I'm making up in my head.

Last edited by namazu; 06-29-18 at 06:31 PM.. Reason: Rplaced link to ADDitude with print-friendly version of same page. Please see ADDF linking guidelines. :)
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 06-29-18, 07:15 PM
CharlesH CharlesH is online now
ADDvanced Contributor
 

Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 705
Thanks: 141
Thanked 390 Times in 269 Posts
CharlesH is a name known to allCharlesH is a name known to allCharlesH is a name known to allCharlesH is a name known to allCharlesH is a name known to allCharlesH is a name known to allCharlesH is a name known to all
Re: Lost in my relationship...

Quote:
Originally Posted by oczadd View Post
However, after years of commitment issues, she seems to be burnt out and feeling insecure about the relationship and under scrutiny, and discussions about our relationship and future have gotten difficult. She has a biological clock that is ticking, and she wants to know now whether I'm ready to get married.
Having kids is a bigger decision than the decision to get married. You can undo a marriage, but you can't undo a kid. And 4 years is a long time to have waited, especially for a ~30 year old woman who has explicitly told you that she wants kids.

And keep in mind that your offspring have about 50% chance of inheriting your ADHD.

Quote:
Originally Posted by oczadd View Post
I think that I've dealt with my fear of failure over the years by becoming a "people pleaser" with no real goals of my own. I think that has lead to a point where although I love my girlfriend deeply, there are aspects of her that I question whether I can truly accept.
Have you told your therapist and your girlfriend about these "aspects?" What was their response?

Quote:
Originally Posted by oczadd View Post
We've historically had significant difficulty communicating, and have been in therapy for a while now which has helped a bit.
Glad to hear that therapy has been helpful. What do you need so that you can make further progress? Are you and your girlfriend being fully candid with the therapist? Are you and your girlfriend following the therapist's advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by oczadd View Post
I just want more time, but I'm not sure if that's fair to her, and I really don't think she's willing to give it to me. Has anyone felt the same way before getting married? How sure am I supposed to be about this? I really can't see a life without her, but there are things I'm not completely confident in. I have trouble telling if this is real, or just concerns I'm making up in my head.
No, it's not fair to her, but it is what it is. Don't commit unless you actually mean it. Your therapist can help you with reality checks.

This is completely just my own personal opinion, but I think you should commit. Most people aren't ever ready to get married. You just figure it out as you go along. 4 years is a long time. I don't doubt that you've been through personal hardships, but the world doesn't just stand still for you.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 06-30-18, 06:10 AM
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
Mod-A-holic
 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: nj, usa
Posts: 28,204
Thanks: 5,744
Thanked 32,617 Times in 15,105 Posts
sarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Lost in my relationship...

Quote:
I am currently undiagnosed, but strongly suspect that I have adult ADHD. I have had trouble committing to various stages throughout the whole relationship, and realized after some therapy last year that ADHD may be a contributing factor to this (along with some family issues in the past). Since discovering this and reading article after article, I've seen all of the ways it has impacted our relationship over the years.
I hear you but you must get diagnosed before you read another article or use the ones you have read as reference. Its easy to allow Mrs Google to guide us through diagnosis but you will find that its much easier to confirm something you already think you have because you are subjectively looking at things- which is normal and part of human nature.

Quote:
However, after years of commitment issues, she seems to be burnt out and feeling insecure about the relationship and under scrutiny, and discussions about our relationship and future have gotten difficult. She has a biological clock that is ticking, and she wants to know now whether I'm ready to get married.
This right here is huge. She wants kids which is her right and she wants a commitment before she has them. If you are not sure by now then cut her loose. What is it about her thats hard to accept?

Quote:
I can't sort out whether my doubts are just driven by unrealistic expectations, or a need for something different. She has a tendency to be sensitive as well, which doesn't always mesh well with my ADHD, and has led to large fights. I'm not sure if she really knows what it will be like to be with me forever, and honestly this is all so new to me that I don't think I know either. We've historically had significant difficulty communicating, and have been in therapy for a while now which has helped a bit.
This says it all. Why would you tie yourself legally if you feel that way?

Quote:
My main concerns come down to difficulties exploring and trying new things, both in general and in the bedroom (although she enjoys sex, she doesn't really have fantasies or turn ons).
Seriously? No offense but those reasons seem shallow to a point but at the same time like it or not, they affect you. If she hasnt offered to meet you half way on these things marriage and kids will NOT solve that.

Quote:
I just want more time, but I'm not sure if that's fair to her, and I really don't think she's willing to give it to me. Has anyone felt the same way before getting married? How sure am I supposed to be about this? I really can't see a life without her, but there are things I'm not completely confident in. I have trouble telling if this is real, or just concerns I'm making up in my head.
It isnt fair to her. She wants to move forward and you want more time, already it sounds like things are too uncertain to consider marriage or kids.
__________________
President of the No F's given society.

I carried a watermelon?
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #4  
Old 06-30-18, 09:00 AM
tudorose's Avatar
tudorose tudorose is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Oz
Posts: 4,100
Thanks: 4,829
Thanked 5,098 Times in 2,222 Posts
tudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Lost in my relationship...

Do you love her?

A work colleague of mine just split from her boyfriend after 10 years because he just didn't love her. So she wasted 10 years of her life being strung along.
__________________
Half human, Half alien
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to tudorose For This Useful Post:
ToneTone (07-02-18)
  #5  
Old 06-30-18, 10:52 AM
acdc01 acdc01 is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: May 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 3,127
Thanks: 2,928
Thanked 4,005 Times in 2,061 Posts
acdc01 has disabled reputation
Re: Lost in my relationship...

You guys should end the relationship imo. I'd tell her you can't commit and aren't ready for kids. Hopefully she'll leave you and if not, you should break it off.

I say this because you guys are already fighting and things are already so difficult. If this wasn't true, my advice might have been different.

If you guys already have problems, things rarely ever get better with time, they just get worse from what I've seen.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to acdc01 For This Useful Post:
ToneTone (07-02-18)
  #6  
Old 07-01-18, 04:22 PM
ToneTone ToneTone is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Philadelphia, pa
Posts: 2,062
Thanks: 1,972
Thanked 2,589 Times in 1,215 Posts
ToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Lost in my relationship...

If the relationship cannot kill off your ambivalence, then this is not the person you want to marry.

ADHD treatment won't suddenly make you feel great about the relationship. In fact, you may feel more ambivalent or more unhappy with treatment because you'll be able to think more clearly ... focus better ... or you may feel less dependent on this person ... and more confident.

I once had ambivalence about dating this wonderful woman who checked all the boxes ... from pretty to super-smart ... and yet ... I was ambivalent (though I didn't really have the words for it ... I thought I was just immature.)

I fought the ambivalence, tried to plow through it, tried to ignore Ö shame it ... until finally I surrendered and told this person I did not want to pursue things anymore ... She quickly found someone who was not ambivalent ... and she's been happily married for 20 years.

It wasnít until dating someone later that I realized what was missing Ö What was missing was the fire and spark and joy of just looking forward to being around this other person. I hadnít had that feeling for most of my dating life Ö and I didnít know it really existed Ö

Wow, when I found that feeling, I understood Ö Oh, so this is what it feels like to REALLY WANT to be with someone Ö I could get off my butt to see this person and hang with this person ... because time with her ... was just pleasure.

You know you're ambivalent when hanging out with the person is as much a chore ... duty ... a requirement ... what you're supposed to do ... rather than a selfish pleasure that you want to do.

Now as far as the relevant of ADHD to all of this ... My view now ... is that my ADHD blocked me or slowed me from picking up this basic information about dating ... that you want date people you REALLY want to be around ... people you want to do things for ... people with whom all kinds of moments aren't just nice ... but wonderful.

I work with 18 and 19-year-olds ... and so many of them already have this knowledge of what's required in a good romance ... information that I didn't gain until in my 40s ... So that's where ADHD played a role.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Best inspirations and advice I've found for my ADD relationship Taisa Non-ADD Partner Support 14 12-11-14 08:21 PM
Help me total strangers, you're my only hope... TheBadGuy Non-ADD Partner Support 19 07-22-13 09:57 AM
Trying to cope in a long distance relationship TripleButterfly Non-ADD Partner Support 16 05-24-12 06:53 PM
21 never had relationship and have lost hope someoneherre Relationships & Social Issues 33 02-20-09 12:29 AM
im lost. really Strangiato General ADD Talk 1 09-30-08 12:22 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 05:00 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
(c) 2003 - 2015 ADD Forums