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  #1  
Old 12-30-08, 07:44 AM
Smitten79 Smitten79 is offline
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ADD man + 'submissive', traditional neurotypical woman in a relationship?

Has anyone had experience in this situation? Would this be a good relationship long-term (I know every relationship is different and it depends on the particular people and connection but just curious about people's opinions) for an ADDer (primarily inattentive type) or ADHDer?

Not to be stereotypical or anything, but I've had two such girlfriends from South-East Asian cultures. I know there is also a small Surrendered Wife movement in Western Countries.*

The positives I can remember for me were:
- being allowed to consistently fill a masculine role in the relationship and being valued as such (I've found the Asian girls I was seeing more feminine compared to the Anglo girls I have gone out with) - they allowed me to fill this role which can be a bit of a struggle for an ADDer (PI);
- loyalty (I found them both quite loyal and understanding - bad days didn't result in a kind of 'I've got a weird bf' mentality I would get from some of my Anglo gfs);
- getting along with their friends and relatives well (I think ADDers generally get on better with neurotypicals from other cultures over those from their own cultures);
- lots of time (maybe they weren't as developed in their careers as the independent women I dated, but I found they gave me more time during the week);

Negatives were:
- getting bored about getting my own way too often (including sexually - yea I know big problem right but a challenge is kind of nice sometimes!);
- getting bored from the communication barrier (both girls learnt English late in life);
- lots of nagging that I couldn't handle after a while (though I got plenty from all the gfs I had, perhaps some of these 'traditional women' are more demanding than independent women...)


* Please read what the Surrendered Wife 'Movement' (and Book) is about before attacking it. I think the name of this movement is the problem and 'Surrendered' should be replaced with something else. It definitely is not about stepping all over the woman (I would completely hate that type of thing). Rather to me its all about letting the man be the man in the relationship (without challenging everything he does/says). It's about not competing with the man for dominance every day. In return, the man has responsibilities he is obliged to meet to the woman to be a good husband/partner. It is about the (often independent Western) woman picking her battles carefully to ensure the health and wellbeing of the marriage long-term.
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Old 12-30-08, 08:09 AM
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Re: ADD man + 'submissive', traditional neurotypical woman in a relationship?

It is my believe that a submissive woman would make for a boring partner, and also, more likely the type to up and leave the relationship out of the blue because the too subtle clues of their unhappiness were missed.
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Old 12-30-08, 11:23 AM
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Re: ADD man + 'submissive', traditional neurotypical woman in a relationship?

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- being allowed to consistently fill a masculine role in the relationship and being valued as such (I've found the Asian girls I was seeing more feminine compared to the Anglo girls I have gone out with) - they allowed me to fill this role which can be a bit of a struggle for an ADDer (PI);
There's a problem built into the arrangement, right from the get-go.

Personally speaking? Sounds boring. NO way I'd be able to keep an active interest over the long haul.

I haven't read the book you are speaking of, and honestly, have no desire to. Just my personal opinion here.

I have a penchant for enjoying the feminine "roller-coaster" of challenges.

Have you read any Deida?

Here's an interesting little ditty about being ADD and the struggles of remaining head of household.
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Old 12-30-08, 12:17 PM
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Re: ADD man + 'submissive', traditional neurotypical woman in a relationship?

There are a couple of very different things going on here.....

Firstly there is a world of a difference between dividing up responsibilities along conventional lines and dividing them up optimally to suit each partners strengths and weaknesses.

Secondly, when something like ADD and it's various co-morbid conditions are added into the mix having a partner who does not want to or feels unable to take over the ADD partners responsibilities if something goes wrong.... loss of job/clinical depression etc makes it more likely the relationship will fail.

In addition once kids come along it should be understood that if ADD is around things will need to become flexible, and in my view taking a culturally conditioned stance on the roles of males and females is asking for trouble..... such definitions are generally designed for a non-existant NT "average" couple and based on cultural assumptions from one or two generations in the past. The historical basis of these assumptions also tends to result gender roles that are less accepted and/or less workable in todays pressured environment.

One also finds that these ideals require the man to have significant wealth or income,even when they were culturally acceptable. It is my personal view that a non-wage earning wife has been a status symbol for many generations of males, and females for that matter.

it should also be borne in mind that incapacity of one partner in such a setup puts the whole family in jeapordy..... particularly if the male partly or wholly loses his ability to earn the cash required to keep the family running.

All in all, though appealing in theory these deas should remain as theories as they are not well suited to todays rapidly changing and highly materialistic western culture.

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Old 01-10-09, 01:19 AM
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Re: ADD man + 'submissive', traditional neurotypical woman in a relationship?

Thanks for the comments I will respond to these at some point.
Anyone else have an opinion?
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Old 01-10-09, 01:33 AM
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Re: ADD man + 'submissive', traditional neurotypical woman in a relationship?

Power imbalances cause problems.
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Old 01-10-09, 01:41 AM
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Re: ADD man + 'submissive', traditional neurotypical woman in a relationship?

51/49 works well.

Very important, that 1%.
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Old 01-10-09, 11:24 AM
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Re: ADD man + 'submissive', traditional neurotypical woman in a relationship?

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Originally Posted by kilted_scotsman View Post
Firstly there is a world of a difference between dividing up responsibilities along conventional lines and dividing them up optimally to suit each partners strengths and weaknesses.

Secondly, when something like ADD and it's various co-morbid conditions are added into the mix having a partner who does not want to or feels unable to take over the ADD partners responsibilities if something goes wrong.... loss of job/clinical depression etc makes it more likely the relationship will fail.
Two excellent observations. I think my marriage (23 years) has worked well because we do not necessarily divide chores up by traditional gender lines and also because I need my wife to take a "leadership" role in several facets of our marriage. For example, I probably do about 80 to 90 percent of the cooking in our family. I love to cook and I always say I would rather cook than clean up (not a forte of ADD folks). And, while I have a strong background in finance, I am, not surprisingly, very timely when it comes to paying bills. So, my wife handles most of that.

It is not emasculating to defer to your spouse's expertise in certain areas, it is just common sense. I can't for the life of me imagine wanting to be married to a submissive woman, especially with having ADD.
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Old 01-11-09, 04:21 AM
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Re: ADD man + 'submissive', traditional neurotypical woman in a relationship?

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Originally Posted by Smitten79 View Post
* Please read what the Surrendered Wife 'Movement' (and Book) is about before attacking it. I think the name of this movement is the problem and 'Surrendered' should be replaced with something else. It definitely is not about stepping all over the woman (I would completely hate that type of thing). Rather to me its all about letting the man be the man in the relationship (without challenging everything he does/says). It's about not competing with the man for dominance every day. In return, the man has responsibilities he is obliged to meet to the woman to be a good husband/partner. It is about the (often independent Western) woman picking her battles carefully to ensure the health and wellbeing of the marriage long-term.
Women who claim to do this end up leaving their husbands when they realize that they are insecure doormats or have real control issues. Honestly? "Let" him be the man? He can't do it on his own? Is he really that threatened by the person he is supposed to love? Come now.

Plus, any woman who would consistently and frequently forfeit her voice in a serious matter so that I can make the decision alone is stupid. Letting me make the decision? Do you really hate yourself that much? Or do you just have a fetish for seeing someone run head-first into a brick wall and the having the wall fall on you?

I admit that my view on this can be skewed. I see my dad avoiding tough calls and abdicating his role as a father very often. He makes up bulls**t excuses for it, like claiming it's too late to raise us as we haven't seen him in so many years and we're too old now. We started living with him again when I was 13. My brother was 6. Sister was 9. And of course when one of us "misbehaves" he's first in line to claim it's my mother's fault for raising us that way.

The only good reason I see for letting someone make an important decision that will affect both of you by themselves is because they simply know more about the issue than you. Shopping for a car and your husband knows more about cars than you? Sure. Shopping for a house and you two just moved to this city/state? No way.

Besides, by challenging ideas you have a much better chance of weeding out bad ones. If "challenging" immediately goes into "arguing" then you two don't belong together.
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