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Old 05-18-18, 08:38 PM
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One size does not fit all

Seen a few things since I've been back to the effect of "If I can do it so can you" in regards to life.

My greatest achievement is raising an autistic child to independence. But if I was to come on here and say that coz I did you can if you just want it enough or try harder then that's just being an *******.

Everyone's circumstances are different so even if you worked real hard and almost killed yourself to get there it doesn't mean than the next person who tries just as hard will get there too.

The notion of not succeeding because you didn't want something enough or try harder is what I would call victim blaming.

Same goes for weight loss and getting a job and adult education and intelligence.

I think we all need to be mindful when giving advice to be empathetic. There is no value in putting people down. Instead share how you achieved what you did. Make it tangible.

It really rubs me up the wrong way to see "want it enough" or "try harder". It sets me off because of my abusive childhood and I hate seeing it done to other people just as much.

The greatest thing you can do here is show empathy. That's worth a lot more than grandstanding.

And for those being triggered. Please don't compare yourself to others. We are not walking in your shoes. You can only do what you can and if you don't succeed the sun will still come up tomorrow.
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Old 05-18-18, 09:09 PM
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Re: One size does not fit all

Thank you for this post Tudsy.

I think a lot of us have had people directly in our lives as we've grown up telling us we're just not trying hard enough...or something similar to that.

It's frustrating, and it hurts! We DO want it! We ARE trying!

I don't mean to be overly sensitive...but a lot of things you mentioned in your post really trigger and upset me.
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Old 05-18-18, 09:26 PM
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Re: One size does not fit all

It always annoys me when people talk about my career or lack there of. Asking what i want to do with my life. Or asking if i don't have any drive. Like i figured out what i want to do but ya know it's a Tuesday and rainy so i just didn't bother....yeah. If i knew what to do or how to get where i want to be then i'd be there.

I think for me so far being recently diagnosed and hearing others stories has been great. But also it makes me feel bad in some way. Like i hear someone who actually completed college. And i can't help but to compare myself to them. I always have a million questions for people of how they got where they are. I have seen people who are put together and those that are 150% a mess. It's interesting to me to see how some struggle with certain things but excel at others. None of "us" are even close to the same. Lately i kinda feel like i'm broken i guess. Like if i had more brain i could go so much farther. I've had the try harder thing all my life, wish i could try harder. Wish it was just that easy
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Old 05-18-18, 09:40 PM
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Re: One size does not fit all

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Like i hear someone who actually completed college. And i can't help but to compare myself to them.
Yeah I struggle with this a LOT.

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Old 05-19-18, 12:55 AM
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Re: One size does not fit all

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Yeah I struggle with this a LOT.

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Yeah i always compare myself to others. i know it's self destructive and all. but i can't help but feel like "why can't i". And often i question whether they really have ADHD. I'ts like how the heck did you do that? how did you find the focus for that? But we are all different so i guess they can get through it. I know as i get older i try less. i know i will fail at something so why bother. And i have heard from other older ADHD people who say the same. They just kind of float along in life. All i want is a decent paying job and not have to worry so much. But i have a broken brain that refuses to get there. It's nice knowing i have ADHD to explain my life in a way. But it's also kinda a curse. Because you feel like if only i had found out sooner. Where would i be now? ADHD always makes you play every scenario out a million times over.
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Old 05-19-18, 02:02 AM
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Re: One size does not fit all

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I think for me so far being recently diagnosed and hearing others stories has been great. But also it makes me feel bad in some way. Like i hear someone who actually completed college. And i can't help but to compare myself to them. I always have a million questions for people of how they got where they are. I have seen people who are put together and those that are 150% a mess. It's interesting to me to see how some struggle with certain things but excel at others.
I got through college, but it wasn't because I was put together or didn't struggle. It helped me that I was living at home with my parents for most of the time that I was in college and didn't have to work to support myself. And I had a mother who did almost everything for me: waking me up in the morning, making breakfast for me, making my bed for me, making lunch for me to take with me, getting me out the door on time, washing my clothes, etc.

My first semester at college, I tried living on my own and failed miserably. That was the first time I had ever lived alone and had to do regular household chores for myself and manage my own time by myself in addition to trying to study for my classes. I was forced to withdraw from the university part way through the semester because I couldn't handle all these new responsibilities. I started over again the next semester, but I wasn't living by myself this time.

And even with all the support I got from my parents and others, I still struggled a lot sometimes and it took me a long time to finish. I also had no social life at all and spent most of my free time studying since it took me twice as long as someone without ADHD to learn the stuff I was studying.

Of course, it's not like I had any friends to socialize with anyway.

But if I hadn't had this extraordinary help from my parents and other people in my life, I would never have been able to get through college.
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Old 05-19-18, 03:23 AM
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Re: One size does not fit all

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Yeah i always compare myself to others. i know it's self destructive and all. but i can't help but feel like "why can't i". And often i question whether they really have ADHD. I'ts like how the heck did you do that? how did you find the focus for that? But we are all different so i guess they can get through it. I know as i get older i try less. i know i will fail at something so why bother. And i have heard from other older ADHD people who say the same. They just kind of float along in life. All i want is a decent paying job and not have to worry so much. But i have a broken brain that refuses to get there. It's nice knowing i have ADHD to explain my life in a way. But it's also kinda a curse. Because you feel like if only i had found out sooner. Where would i be now? ADHD always makes you play every scenario out a million times over.
Dude...you just absolutely explained me and my current life in a nutshell. Emphasis on the bolded parts.

Quote:
But i have a broken brain that refuses to get there.
It's like most people have a "Just Do It!" and/or a "Go!" button in their heads that they can press when they need to.
I have the same button...only mine is broken. I press it and nothing happens. Most the time. Sometimes it will work! But more times then not, nothing happens when I press that button. It's unpredictable and unreliable and totally frustrating!

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And I had a mother who did almost everything for me: waking me up in the morning, making breakfast for me, making my bed for me, making lunch for me to take with me, getting me out the door on time, washing my clothes, etc.

Awww...gosh dang it! I love your mom!!! lol <3
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Old 05-19-18, 04:41 AM
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Re: One size does not fit all

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It's like most people have a "Just Do It!" and/or a "Go!" button in their heads that they can press when they need to.
I have the same button...only mine is broken. I press it and nothing happens. Most the time. Sometimes it will work! But more times then not, nothing happens when I press that button. It's unpredictable and unreliable and totally frustrating!
I don't have that button either. Especially after my ptsd event to get myself moving again I'd kick my own *** and say the most horrible things to myself. I berated and abused myself. I said things to myself that I'd never dare say to any other living being. Then I met a friend who said the following:

"It's the job of your enemies to be unkind to you. Don't make it easy for them by doing their job for them."

I've started changing the narrative and try to encourage myself instead. I've felt better for it. And if I put myself down or say bad things about myself I have people who remind me not to.

I raced bikes last season and came last in every race and instead of being berated for coming last everyone encouraged me. I couldn't have done that if I'd kept the wrong people in my life and in my head.
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Old 05-19-18, 02:08 PM
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Re: One size does not fit all

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Please don't compare yourself to others. We are not walking in your shoes. You can only do what you can and if you don't succeed the sun will still come up tomorrow.

Easy to say and philosophically only makes logical sense.


But (strong word), when the list of things I have been unable to do all my life end up making it very difficult to form and retain relationships and jobs, it's difficult to see "success" anywhere, or a rosy future in any of it.
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Old 05-19-18, 02:38 PM
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Re: One size does not fit all

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But (strong word), when the list of things I have been unable to do all my life end up making it very difficult to form and retain relationships and jobs, it's difficult to see "success" anywhere, or a rosy future in any of it.
Yeah, that's damn tough and sucks bad. I too have a HUGE list of things I've not been able to complete in life.

I'm lucky, and I wish everyone could be so lucky. I'm on disability which means I qualify for help from different professionals. I worked with a place called vocational rehabilitation which helps those with disabilities (physical or mental) find employment. They paid 100% of college for me. Too bad I quit half way through .
And now I'm working with a therapist to help me figure out ways to change my VERY negative internal dialogue...into more positive thoughts...so that I can hopefully stick with a job. She's also going to set me up with a different professional who helps people land and stick with jobs. A big bonus with the specific lady I'll be working with...is that she's worked for many years with and at the place I want to work at.

But even still...with all the help I've been handed on a silver platter...I'm still currently unemployed after all these years. I still don't have a college degree. I'm still on disability.
It's incredibly frustrating and I can't hardly help but hate myself for it.
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Old 05-19-18, 06:27 PM
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Re: One size does not fit all

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Originally Posted by WheresMyMind View Post
Easy to say and philosophically only makes logical sense.


But (strong word), when the list of things I have been unable to do all my life end up making it very difficult to form and retain relationships and jobs, it's difficult to see "success" anywhere, or a rosy future in any of it.
Yeah same here. I always look around the room in a family gathering. It's like they are all making a joke of me. Clinking there glasses and laughing cause the loser showed up. It's hard not to compare, not to look at them and wonder how they did it. How do you have a good job, a house, a marriage. Some days i barely keep myself together. I think each failure we go through just adds some level of misery. Like a drug addict, each "hit" takes you further down a bad path. But i do get satisfaction from the things i do know. I can fix a car, none of them can even dream of that. So i take satisfaction when they come crawling to the loser for advice on something. I get perverse pleasure from the things i can do and do well. Lately i feel like neurotypicals are the facade. We are living out in the open, we are on full display. They are just a day away from being called out as the fraud.

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Dude...you just absolutely explained me and my current life in a nutshell. Emphasis on the bolded parts.
It's like most people have a "Just Do It!" and/or a "Go!" button in their heads that they can press when they need to.
I have the same button...only mine is broken. I press it and nothing happens. Most the time. Sometimes it will work! But more times then not, nothing happens when I press that button. It's unpredictable and unreliable and totally frustrating!
Awww...gosh dang it! I love your mom!!! lol <3
Exactly, my "easy" button is low on batteries. Sometimes for me the oddest part of ADHD is not knowing how something happened. Like i get you went to college got a degree and picked a life. But how? like the whole mechanics of the thing make no sense to me. You just woke up at 14 and decided you wanted to be a doctor? then went and did it? Things always seem odd to me in some way. It's so hard to explain, i guess other ADHD people understand that weird feeling. I get the deja vue feeling a lot too. I know i have heard something before or i should know some random piece of info....but it's not there.

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I got through college, but it wasn't because I was put together or didn't struggle. It helped me that I was living at home with my parents for most of the time that I was in college and didn't have to work to support myself. And I had a mother who did almost everything for me: waking me up in the morning, making breakfast for me, making my bed for me, making lunch for me to take with me, getting me out the door on time, washing my clothes, etc.

My first semester at college, I tried living on my own and failed miserably. That was the first time I had ever lived alone and had to do regular household chores for myself and manage my own time by myself in addition to trying to study for my classes. I was forced to withdraw from the university part way through the semester because I couldn't handle all these new responsibilities. I started over again the next semester, but I wasn't living by myself this time.

And even with all the support I got from my parents and others, I still struggled a lot sometimes and it took me a long time to finish. I also had no social life at all and spent most of my free time studying since it took me twice as long as someone without ADHD to learn the stuff I was studying.

Of course, it's not like I had any friends to socialize with anyway.

But if I hadn't had this extraordinary help from my parents and other people in my life, I would never have been able to get through college.
My mom was super rude to me as a teen boy. If she had to tell me twice to get up it was h*ll to pay. Or my stepdad would get up and yell at me. I tried college once in 2000, it was more of a tech school than a real college. I was on my own though. Parents wanted no part of my student loans. They had seen me fail over and over again. So they weren't investing any time or money on me. I think with tons of support ADHD people do really great. Without it your sunk. I have just adapted on my own over the years. I have coping devices that i didn't know where coping devices. It's just things i do to keep myself running along. My brain always wants more though. I have the yearn inside me to do things. But then i start down the path on four flat tires. I am 38 and it's been a ride so far. Can't wait to see what the next 30 or so gives me haha.

What's a social life? Is that netflix in your room every friday night? Or hours and hours on the internet with 40 tabs open haha.
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Old 05-19-18, 08:04 PM
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Re: One size does not fit all

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Originally Posted by WheresMyMind View Post
Easy to say and philosophically only makes logical sense.


But (strong word), when the list of things I have been unable to do all my life end up making it very difficult to form and retain relationships and jobs, it's difficult to see "success" anywhere, or a rosy future in any of it.
I tried and tried and tried to measure up and be 'good enough' and I tried so hard that I didn't listen to my body and I'm convinced this played a role in me ending up with fibromyalgia. Once that happened and walking from one room to another became and achievement I had to reassess my whole life. Kilted Scotsman said something to the effect of that I needed to learn to live sustainably in my current body. That also goes for the mind. Fibro and Adhd combo often means I can't even put a sentence together some days and it's by the good graces of others that I get by.

But if you read the opening post again you'll see that the point of it was not to come on here an judge others for not succeeding but to be empathetic as not everyone can achieve the same things.
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Old 05-20-18, 09:09 AM
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Re: One size does not fit all

I feel this way about being on disability. It makes me feel like a loser sometimes. I used to go through these fugue episodes where I was completely incoherent in a bipolar sense when I wasnt as well medicated as I am now. Combine that with when I was an active alcoholic and it was a mess. I was told try harder to quit drinking and that if i really wanted to I could stop. Once that alcohol was in my system I no longer had the choice of not drinking more. I had to hit bottom and it was a harrowing one until I got my act together. Id like to get my act together with my adhd and go off disability but its slow going. Hearing try harder to me sounds more like "fail less".
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Old 05-20-18, 03:19 PM
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Re: One size does not fit all

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Hearing try harder to me sounds more like "fail less".

This.
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Old 05-20-18, 06:18 PM
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Re: One size does not fit all

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Sometimes for me the oddest part of ADHD is not knowing how something happened. Like i get you went to college got a degree and picked a life. But how? like the whole mechanics of the thing make no sense to me. You just woke up at 14 and decided you wanted to be a doctor? then went and did it? Things always seem odd to me in some way.
This is something that I have a problem with, too. Most of the time, I don't plan things, I just stumble into them, and that's true of my major in college, and most other things that have happened to me in my life since then.

And when I was close to being done with college, I got a little grant from my university to go to a conference so that I could "network" with people there who might want to hire me for a job when I graduated.

But this "networking" thing is something I had no idea how to do. I know that it has something to do with meeting people, selling yourself, and getting someone to hire you. That's where I was supposed to make the transition from university to a career. But exactly how do you do this? How do you begin? The whole mechanics of this were unknown to me, especially since I already had a hard time connecting with other people in general, even people I know. I have no idea how to do this with people I don't know. And since I didn't have a great impression of myself and my abilities back then, how was I supposed to sell myself to other people?
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