Undiagnosed ADHD is Ruining My Sister's Life

[AC360CNN]

My sister is about to get fired (again) and keep driving her car despite warning lights, and never gets an oil change. Her laundry is all over the house. We're in our late 20s. She borrows money and adamantly promises to pay it back by a certain time, but then fails to do so because she lacks basic planning skills like anticipating the time it takes for her paycheck to clear in the bank, etc. She compulsively lies to cover up her forgetfulness and mistakes. I used to let them slide, but now I awkwardly but bluntly call her out on her obvious lies.

I have ADHD and I really want my sister to get diagnosed and medicated but she resists. I've bluntly brought up the issue but she never seems to make a psych appointment. We're going to run a family business together later and I don't want her to run it into the ground.

How can I coerce my sister to get help?

[BlueSmurf]

Never wants to or never remembers to?

ADHD requires treatment because it impairs people. One clear example is not being able to keep a job.

If you feel your sister's untreated ADHD is going to run your family business into the ground, you need to deny her from being part of the family business unless she gets treated. At the end, business is business. In my opinion, your obligation as a family member is to go beyond what's absolutely necessary for just the business: namely, ensuring your sister gets help.

[AC360CNN]

My sister will inherit an equal % of the family business. My family has had several meetings to discuss the future of the business, but my sister has either flaked, stormed out, or zoned out the entire time. My parents have decided to make me the "controlling partner" when my sister & I inherit the business (she never showed up at the meeting where we discussed this).

Occasionally, at inapropriate times (3am on a Tuesday morning last week) my sister has demanded she have equal control of the business. Its hard to take these random untimely demands seriously. Unfortunately at this rate our relationship will deteriorate and when my parents pass away I will have to excommunicate my sister and just send her the fair share of her income from the business.

I plan to consistently keep urging her to seek treatment. Any advice is appreciated.

[Danteloogi]

Like BlueSmurf said, is she just forgetting to see a psych or is she refusing? I've refused for many years after an unpleasant experience with Wellbutrin about 7 years ago. Just recently I could finally see through my own eyes that my life was falling apart. I wish I would have gotten treatment sooner, maybe all of my ruined relationships would still be intact

[ginniebean]

Originally Posted by AC360CNN

I have ADHD and I really want my sister to get diagnosed and medicated but she resists. I've bluntly brought up the issue but she never seems to make a psych appointment. We're going to run a family business together later and I don't want her to run it into the ground.

How can I coerce my sister to get help?

The first thing you need to realise if you are NOT going to run a family business together, if she doesn't get medication you're screwed. You need to tell her that. No getting help, no going into business together.

[CheekyMonkey]

Cut her off until she gets help. Don't let her bring you down with her!!

[AC360CNN]

Originally Posted by ginniebean

You need to tell her that. No getting help, no going into business together.

I would feel more comfortable giving her that ultimatum if I were a psychiatrist. Technically, I don't know for a fact that she has ADHD, and I don't know that medication (or which one) would benefit her.

But, I think you're giving me good advice. I should just "man up," go with my instincts, and firmly and consistently tell her that she needs professional help & medication. In the past I've told her this, but it was gently and occasionally.

[AC360CNN]

Originally Posted by Danteloogi

Like BlueSmurf said, is she just forgetting to see a psych or is she refusing?

Well she was seeing a therapist for a while, but it wasn't that productive and sounded more like a weekly gossip session. I really doubt she told the "therapist" about all the problems shes having with basic tasks, like holding down a job, doing laundry, maintaining her car, etc. No offense to therapists, but my sister needs to go see a real psychiatrist!

I will start getting more frequent and firm with my suggestions that she see a psych and get evaluated for ADHD.

[meadd823]

Some times people do not realize how impaired they are especially if other people around them are picking up the slack - Soo quit giving her money quit bailing her out of her messes and if you are picking up after her toss her crap where she can trip over it but you do not have to!

Subtly does not work well for many who are ADHD, especially if they have that impulsive variety - The only thing that might get through is that reality check two by four up side the head - suffering the consequences of ones own actions {or failure thereof}

[RedHairedWitch]

Time for a an intervention. Get the family together. Do NOT give her any of the business if she doesn't get help.

[AC360CNN]

I just had a talk with her. She had justification for everything I pointed out. She said our parents gave her the car, so she neglects it because it was given to her and she didn't have to earn it. She said she is a mess with laundry because people, in general, aren't excited about laundry. I pointed out that she owes me money and that last week she said with 100% certainty she would pay me back Monday. She hasn't paid and she blamed it on the bank, and said that she feels like I'm her family member so she knows I will cut her some slack. Finally, I brought up that she has problems at work and she lies to her boss, and that her job is on the line. She got defensive, and said that I'm worrying too much and that she's not worried. She said she does a great job at work. I know that's not true. She refused to keep talking to me at that point. My last words were that I can't trust her, not because she's a bad person, but because I believe she needs professional help from a psychiatrist.

She has little excuses for everything, but as she gets older, the stakes keep getting higher. She's neglecting her car, not some little toy. She might get fired, this isn't just some game. This is her life! This is so frustrating. Maybe this isn't ADHD--Maybe she just legitimately doesn't give a $*@T about life.

[CheekyMonkey]

Originally Posted by AC360CNN

I just had a talk with her. She had justification for everything I pointed out. She said our parents gave her the car, so she neglects it because it was given to her and she didn't have to earn it. She said she is a mess with laundry because people, in general, aren't excited about laundry. I pointed out that she owes me money and that last week she said with 100% certainty she would pay me back Monday. She hasn't paid and she blamed it on the bank, and said that she feels like I'm her family member so she knows I will cut her some slack. Finally, I brought up that she has problems at work and she lies to her boss, and that her job is on the line. She got defensive, and said that I'm worrying too much and that she's not worried. She said she does a great job at work. I know that's not true. She refused to keep talking to me at that point. My last words were that I can't trust her, not because she's a bad person, but because I believe she needs professional help from a psychiatrist.

She has little excuses for everything, but as she gets older, the stakes keep getting higher. She's neglecting her car, not some little toy. She might get fired, this isn't just some game. This is her life! This is so frustrating. Maybe this isn't ADHD--Maybe she just legitimately doesn't give a $*@T about life.

I'm sure that was not an easy conversation. Maybe let her know that as soon as she gets help and realizes that she is going to need emotional support, that you are still on her team.

[sarahsweets]

You have to decide if you will accept her this way or only if she changes, once you figure that out you have to lay it out on the line with what YOUR needs are.

[BlueSmurf]

No means no: no control, no income.

See if you can make provisions to make it possible to fire members from the business. Also, look into put everyone on a vesting schedule. That way, if anybody is not upholding their end of responsibility to the business, they can be fired and lose their share of ownership (until they've held it for some time). It's also a way to transition the business from your parents to your sister and you.

It may sound harsh to do something like this to a family member, but at the end of it, if it forces her to get the help she needs so she can vastly improve her life (and hopefully yours and your family's too), isn't that the right thing to do?

[spunkysmum]

Originally Posted by AC360CNN

I just had a talk with her. She had justification for everything I pointed out. She said our parents gave her the car, so she neglects it because it was given to her and she didn't have to earn it. She said she is a mess with laundry because people, in general, aren't excited about laundry. I pointed out that she owes me money and that last week she said with 100% certainty she would pay me back Monday. She hasn't paid and she blamed it on the bank, and said that she feels like I'm her family member so she knows I will cut her some slack. Finally, I brought up that she has problems at work and she lies to her boss, and that her job is on the line. She got defensive, and said that I'm worrying too much and that she's not worried. She said she does a great job at work. I know that's not true. She refused to keep talking to me at that point. My last words were that I can't trust her, not because she's a bad person, but because I believe she needs professional help from a psychiatrist.

She has little excuses for everything, but as she gets older, the stakes keep getting higher. She's neglecting her car, not some little toy. She might get fired, this isn't just some game. This is her life! This is so frustrating. Maybe this isn't ADHD--Maybe she just legitimately doesn't give a $*@T about life.

Those aren't justifications. They are just more proof that she has a condition that, if it is not ADHD, closely mimics ADHD and she needs help. None of those points help her case or negate yours.