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  #1  
Old 04-15-18, 02:27 PM
peripatetic peripatetic is offline
 
 

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i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

holy ****. (EDIT: i bolded my question at the end in case you don't want to wade through all of this)

i was just looking back through my posts and there is at least one entire year and some near years where i'm mostly incoherent, combative, and sound delusional. and then entire years where i'm just mired in grief and i know i was off meds or spotty because i could see him and hear his voice when i didn't take them for a while.

court-ordered injections changed that some...but even since that happened for two years, during which i was mostly stable but had movement issues and took a LOT of meds...plus meds to counter the side effects of the meds...even after that, which ended in november 2015, if memory serves, i've been hospitalised at least a handful of times.

i've had a lot of problems retaining insight when i'm slipping. which is part of the problem. a huge problem in itself, in fact. but i'm not lacking it now i don't think. which is a problem as well because it's so demoralising to see how much of my life, of my time, my mental illness has eaten up. several years ago i added up all of my inpatient stays and it was over five years. FIVE *YEARS* of my life wasted in hospital. by now it's at least....let's say it's five point five. which is likely conservative as an estimate.

but then, i have had periods of remarkable stability. not recently...not in the past ten years, actually...but when i was first diagnosed. i still managed to get my doctorate. and a faculty position. that didn't work out long term, but it happened. and i got married, which continues to be strong. and now i have a small girl, who just turned three and i was NOT in the hospital for her birthday--a personal success.

i don't know. i got diagnosed with adhd when i was a child and though it's a disorder that's lifelong...somehow it feels different to have a chronic mental illness that's eating up your finite lifetime again and again.

i'm oddly not that put out by all of this. it's more matter-of-fact. there's been a lot of destruction, but some truly bright spots. even when unwell i was a loyal friend. most of the time. but certainly in times of greatest need, i don't turn my back on people.

there have been some for me who've been similar. people who rang even when i was incoherent, who stayed up overnight while i ran surveillance and tried to stick pins into cables going near my roof and whatnot...who did both for days on end after esh died. i appreciate those who've stuck with me. while i tend to despise those who act like being around mental illness is as tragic as enduring it, i know i've struggled and others have struggled as a result.

i don't know where i'm going with this. it's just a weird thing to realise. i look back at some of my posts and i'm like...WOW! just...WOW. and i know ...it's like, the mindset is right there on the periphery. i could so easily slip into it. i've spent so long in it that not being in it usually feels odd to me. i remember after i did a course of ...very invasive treatments...17 because i missed one due to low blood pressure...it disrupted a certain symptom presenting. it stopped my command hallucinations that had gotten me into so much trouble so many times, basically. and i missed him. sorely. they came back ...i don't know exactly when, but sometime last calendar year. this could end up sinking me if i'm unwell again and they return and i lose insight. but...for now, there is breakfast and small girl and we took photos today...and i'm just trying to stick with not worrying about the future. but then, don't i kinda have to?

anyway

does anyone relate to being unwell for so long that being well or mostly well is uncomfortable?
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  #2  
Old 04-15-18, 06:54 PM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

peri, not i much i can say here . hard to place myself in your shoes

it may not mean much but i want you to know i'm listening

I feel the strength,courage, perseverance and also the pain in your post , very deeply

I'm going to stay with them with you for awhile
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  #3  
Old 04-15-18, 07:13 PM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

Quote:
Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
i don't know where i'm going with this. it's just a weird thing to realise.
I think this is exactly the point of your post. On the one hand, you've had a crazy life. On the other hand, it is *you* who has lived this life, and your experiences are real.

IMO, the best you can do is to accept and learn from the past, and to surround yourself with people who aren't going to judge you by your worst moments.
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Old 04-15-18, 09:50 PM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

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Originally Posted by daveddd View Post
peri, not i much i can say here . hard to place myself in your shoes

it may not mean much but i want you to know i'm listening

I feel the strength,courage, perseverance and also the pain in your post , very deeply

I'm going to stay with them with you for awhile
thank you so much, dear friend.

i feel oddly placid. i think it's just .... i don't know. i pay this price for being a person i suppose.
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Old 04-15-18, 10:24 PM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

I know this is different, but I think it feels similar in some ways.

I feel like so much of my life has been wasted by the migraine disorder.

So many days when I got up in the morning, only to give up in pain and
go back to bed by noon or earlier.

So many times when my family asked to me to go and do something with them
and I shook my head and just sat here by myself with tears running down.


So . . . yeah, days like today when the pain isn't there and I go out with my
family for lunch and some shopping . . . and I'm almost . . . waiting . . .
for the pain to kick in and cut the day short.


I remember once when I was maybe 30 and a friend of my husband's came
to our door while he was out. Later the friend said it was nice to meet my
hubby's mother.

So that's been at least 37 years ago. Those were the days when I yelled at my
family for making noise. Ordinary noise. At least I don't do that anymore.
I remember my dad doing that when he had a migraine. But usually he made
mom shush us and send us out to play at the park down the street. In those
days I didn't know how he was feeling. But I've had a lifetime to understand.
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Old 04-16-18, 10:28 AM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

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Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
thank you so much, dear friend.

i feel oddly placid. i think it's just .... i don't know. i pay this price for being a person i suppose.
I totally understand Iíve cut myself from my emotions to. Too much i think

There still there and can be contained by others. But walled from my cognition

Oddly except when I talk to you
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Old 04-16-18, 03:03 PM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

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I totally understand Iíve cut myself from my emotions to. Too much i think

There still there and can be contained by others. But walled from my cognition

Oddly except when I talk to you
Just to clarify. Cut myself off

I donít cut myself. Not judging those who do. I just donít and my poor wording made it look lik I do
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Old 04-16-18, 08:49 PM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

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Originally Posted by daveddd View Post
Just to clarify. Cut myself off

I donít cut myself. Not judging those who do. I just donít and my poor wording made it look lik I do
i totally inserted the "off" in there when i read it ; )

i know people who do. who self harm, that is.

it occurs to me that some things have happened since we last talked that ...well, i mean, i have a history of attempting self surgeries, but it's not the same as self harm according to mental health professionals...but i did take the pliers to my mouth last year. man, my memory is so **** i don't recall exactly when that happened. i'm pretty sure i ended up inpatient for it though. such is life.
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Old 04-16-18, 09:15 PM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

Apparently my experience isn't the same at all. If you want to have the mods
remove my post, I'm fine with that.
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Old 04-16-18, 09:28 PM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

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i totally inserted the "off" in there when i read it ; )

i know people who do. who self harm, that is.

it occurs to me that some things have happened since we last talked that ...well, i mean, i have a history of attempting self surgeries, but it's not the same as self harm according to mental health professionals...but i did take the pliers to my mouth last year. man, my memory is so **** i don't recall exactly when that happened. i'm pretty sure i ended up inpatient for it though. such is life.
We talked about that

Again I was just clarifying Not judging. Just to be clear Iíve done plenty of stuff due to bipolar. I bite my thumb and index so hard they callous when Iím irritated mixed
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Old 04-16-18, 09:34 PM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

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Originally Posted by Lunacie View Post
Apparently my experience isn't the same at all. If you want to have the mods
remove my post, I'm fine with that.
?

i was just getting around to replying to you...i hope that's not why you feel like your experience ....

what i'm trying to say is that i was formulating a response and don't want you to think your post wasn't appreciated because i hadn't replied yet. i have to put e down shortly, but i do plan to reply and would prefer your post wasn't removed if that's ok. x
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Old 04-16-18, 10:29 PM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lunacie View Post
I know this is different, but I think it feels similar in some ways.

I feel like so much of my life has been wasted by the migraine disorder.

So many days when I got up in the morning, only to give up in pain and
go back to bed by noon or earlier.

So many times when my family asked to me to go and do something with them
and I shook my head and just sat here by myself with tears running down.


So . . . yeah, days like today when the pain isn't there and I go out with my
family for lunch and some shopping . . . and I'm almost . . . waiting . . .
for the pain to kick in and cut the day short.


I remember once when I was maybe 30 and a friend of my husband's came
to our door while he was out. Later the friend said it was nice to meet my
hubby's mother.

So that's been at least 37 years ago. Those were the days when I yelled at my
family for making noise. Ordinary noise. At least I don't do that anymore.
I remember my dad doing that when he had a migraine. But usually he made
mom shush us and send us out to play at the park down the street. In those
days I didn't know how he was feeling. But I've had a lifetime to understand.
i think there is a similarity insofar as they're both chronic ailments and they disrupt your whole life, certainly.

i've also definitely done things that alienate a lot of people.

the bolded part is what resonated most, though. it rips my heart out to think that there are times, even if not yet, where i simply may be unable to do things with e because i get this post-psychosis depression where i feel nothing and lack all desire to move or do or ...anything, really. i'm afraid of her feeling rejected by me. i'm even more afraid of her being afraid of me if i do something to myself or am in a state and she interrupts me and i freak out. i'm certain i wouldn't hurt her, directly...not intentionally. still, it worries me.

i'm worried about losing all of my ties to this world. and chronic mental illness is so isolating. it sounds like chronic migraines are the same in that respect as well.

i think it took me a while to be ready to reply to your post because you mentioned your family and i remember how e cried when they had to leave the hospital one day in particular.

i don't know, but i feel gutted thinking about it. what this does to those around me. the ones i care about the most are the ones who see the worst.

so please don't think i didn't relate to any part of your post...it's just that what it brought up is my feelings of failure. i succeeded at one thing in life and that was always being there for him. i hope i get to succeed a second time and manage to raise a healthy, loving, curious little girl into a young woman. but i have serious doubts about my mental illness complying with that plan. the last time i was in the hospital i actually agreed to sign myself in. and you know what? it didn't matter. i was still there five plus weeks because it took that long to stop the urges and the commands. and so i wonder, what possibility is there, and i fear the answer.
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Old 04-16-18, 11:49 PM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

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Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
i think there is a similarity insofar as they're both chronic ailments and they disrupt your whole life, certainly.

i've also definitely done things that alienate a lot of people.

the bolded part is what resonated most, though. it rips my heart out to think that there are times, even if not yet, where i simply may be unable to do things with e because i get this post-psychosis depression where i feel nothing and lack all desire to move or do or ...anything, really. i'm afraid of her feeling rejected by me. i'm even more afraid of her being afraid of me if i do something to myself or am in a state and she interrupts me and i freak out. i'm certain i wouldn't hurt her, directly...not intentionally. still, it worries me.

i'm worried about losing all of my ties to this world. and chronic mental illness is so isolating. it sounds like chronic migraines are the same in that respect as well.

i think it took me a while to be ready to reply to your post because you mentioned your family and i remember how e cried when they had to leave the hospital one day in particular.

i don't know, but i feel gutted thinking about it. what this does to those around me. the ones i care about the most are the ones who see the worst.

so please don't think i didn't relate to any part of your post...it's just that what it brought up is my feelings of failure. i succeeded at one thing in life and that was always being there for him. i hope i get to succeed a second time and manage to raise a healthy, loving, curious little girl into a young woman. but i have serious doubts about my mental illness complying with that plan. the last time i was in the hospital i actually agreed to sign myself in. and you know what? it didn't matter. i was still there five plus weeks because it took that long to stop the urges and the commands. and so i wonder, what possibility is there, and i fear the answer.
I'm sorry my post felt triggering to you in any way. Certainly not my intention.

I guess this is different in that even when I'm in misery for a 2 week stretch,
I'm still right here and my family can check in with me a couple of times a day.

I certainly had some bad feelings about my dad not being there for me when
I was in school ... before I knew firsthand what he was living with. He attended
my brother's high school graduation, but was not there for mine. I don't know
if his migraines were triggered by the weather like mine are, but there was a
horrible storm the night I graduated ... power went out in the gym for nearly
10 minutes.

I'm sorry you've missed chunks of your daughter's childhood. I wish I knew
what it would take to change it so that doesn't have to happen again. I wish
there was a cure for migraines too as long as I'm wishing.

There was a time when my daughter was in school that the chronic pain and
depression was so bad I seriously thought she'd be better off without me. My
hubby called it being "dramatic" and "manipulative." But it wasn't either of
those. The pain triggered horrible anger, throwing things and slamming doors
- never throwing things AT anyone. But I've seen my daughter deal with some
depression and anger and I'm so sorry she had to live with that growing up.


I'm hoping this makes sense as I've had another bad migraine all day, woke
up wanting to burrow under the pillow but decided to get up and do something
to treat it. Didn't work. So I went back to bed while my family did
some running around (no school day). And now that I had a long nap I don't
feel sleepy at bedtime. Ugh.
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Old 04-17-18, 11:22 AM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

i appreciate your candor and i hope you're feeling much better today.
xx

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lunacie View Post
I'm sorry my post felt triggering to you in any way. Certainly not my intention.

oh, i know... i am responsible for managing what's triggering to me and this is really something that's been a sore spot for me since i found out i was pregnant. i find it difficult to reconcile how much i love her with my continued existence given my fairly-strongly-held belief that knowing me will bring her pain.

I guess this is different in that even when I'm in misery for a 2 week stretch,
I'm still right here and my family can check in with me a couple of times a day.

in a way, it's almost better to be in hospital because i can truly rest and it's exciting for her to come visit. it just tears me up when she leaves as i need to be jovial about it, but i'm dying inside at the thought of missing her bath, bedtime, not being there when she wakes to say good morning, my little sunshine...you know, **** like that just slays me.

I certainly had some bad feelings about my dad not being there for me when
I was in school ... before I knew firsthand what he was living with. He attended
my brother's high school graduation, but was not there for mine. I don't know
if his migraines were triggered by the weather like mine are, but there was a
horrible storm the night I graduated ... power went out in the gym for nearly
10 minutes.

it's my hope as she gets older she'll be able to understand if/when i'm not there. it's also my hope to remain out of hospital forever. but then, that's always my goal and ......well, we know how successful i've been at that

I'm sorry you've missed chunks of your daughter's childhood. I wish I knew
what it would take to change it so that doesn't have to happen again. I wish
there was a cure for migraines too as long as I'm wishing.

i, too, with there were a cure for your migraines; they sound so awful!
i made it out for her birthday this year, so that's a positive.


There was a time when my daughter was in school that the chronic pain and
depression was so bad I seriously thought she'd be better off without me. My
hubby called it being "dramatic" and "manipulative." But it wasn't either of
those. The pain triggered horrible anger, throwing things and slamming doors
- never throwing things AT anyone. But I've seen my daughter deal with some
depression and anger and I'm so sorry she had to live with that growing up.

that's pretty messed up that he called your concerns dramatic and manipulative. i've had similar concerns. in fact, i would say that suicidal urges have been present since her birth. they were there before, but they weren't directed at saving her from me. i'm sorry your fears weren't taken seriously. i posted elsewhere that perhaps the "advantage" of having a very harsh mental illness is that when i am able to express myself and show what's in my head, i'm taken quite seriously. actually, that may have less to do with my diagnoses and more to do with my personal history of how symptoms manifest and how immediately, without thought, i act on them.

I'm hoping this makes sense as I've had another bad migraine all day, woke
up wanting to burrow under the pillow but decided to get up and do something
to treat it. Didn't work. So I went back to bed while my family did
some running around (no school day). And now that I had a long nap I don't
feel sleepy at bedtime. Ugh.
your post definitely made sense. thank you so much. xx and, again, i hope today is better for you!
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Old 04-17-18, 11:49 AM
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Re: i've spent more of my adult life unstable than stable at this point

Quote:
Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
i appreciate your candor and i hope you're feeling much better today.
xx



your post definitely made sense. thank you so much. xx and, again, i hope today is better for you!
Yeah, it's a bit of a conundrum ... better to be there for all the things the little
ones go through and do it together ... or better not to subject them to the
instability and the moods ... ?

When the grandkids were little I felt I really had to be present, so I would take
excedrin and keep going. The oldest has severe adhd and the littlest has autism
so even when I was in the same freaking room they would sometimes get into
things when I was paying more attention to the computer.

In those days I didn't feel like it was responsible of me to just go to bed for a
while, but the anger and moods I unleashed probably scarred them forever.
There were days my daughter would ask if I was sure I could handle things
while she went to work, and my sense of guilt always said of course, we'll be
fine. But I wasn't always fine.

I guess my hubby didn't take it seriously because I wasn't self-harming (usually
though there were times I'd bang my head on the wall because it felt better
when I stopped, at least for a few minutes), and as I said I never threw things
AT anyone so never caused any physical harm.

I wish I'd been able to get him or the doctor to take me seriously. If I'd been
able to take something for the anxiety, it wouldn't have helped the migraines
but it might have helped me make better choices and been more ... chill.

At least we're getting help now. Once I get this business sorted with the spine
specialist, I want to talk to the PA again about something different for anxiety.
I stopped taking Zoloft because of a side effect and I can sure tell the difference.
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-RUSSELL A. BARKLEY, PH.D.


As far as I know, there is nothing positive about ADHD that people can't have w out ADHD. ~ ADD me
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