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  #3121  
Old 09-10-19, 11:27 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

You'd think after doing this for every single day for almost a year, I'd be a bit better at it. But nope.
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  #3122  
Old 09-13-19, 08:38 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Since March I've been dealing with recovered memories of child sexual abuse. I've hardly spoken to my kids for 6 months. I don't know where my year has gone. It's so hard having to remember and re-live it all. I've spent a lot of that time just trying to make sure I stay alive. I've been fighting the biggest fight of my life.

I'm working through it with a therapist and had a lot of time off work. Thankfully I still have a job. I swing between grief, rage and feeling numb. A lot of the last month I've felt like I've been trapped behind a veil of glass unable to connect with anyone.

Tonight I feel panic. That's not so bad. Better than feeling suicidal and I need to make sure I don't get overwhelmed and shut down. When that happens it's really hard for my husband. Actually the whole thing is hard for him.

I've been so paranoid about anyone finding out. I can't deal with the rest of the family who I am no contact with.

I'm gutted that this happened to me. It explains so much about how I am. Every psych has asked me if I had been sexually abused and I always said no. I had blocked it out so well. It wasn't until I moved house and felt safe for the first time that it started to surface.

I have so much to fix. It feels very overwhelming. A lot of things I thought was adhd is because of PTSD. I disassociate which could be considered spacing out. I get paranoid a lot which can present like hyperactivity. I don't know if the trauma has caused the adhd. That's a big call for me because I've always said on here that adhd is 100% hereditary.

This is probably a bit disjointed. My cognitive abilities have taken a hit of late. I've been wanting to write something or at least reach out on here for so long but I was just too scared.

This whole process I've learned what bravery is. I just want all this to be over so I can have a life again. Trauma processing is hard. I didn't know how much one could actually cry. I just know that I don't want to feel the shame any more. I didn't do it. They did.
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  #3123  
Old 09-13-19, 10:11 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

It's the end of summer,my body has been in crippling pain the last 2 weeks n the Motrin isn't working anymore :-(
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  #3124  
Old 09-13-19, 11:50 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Originally Posted by tudorose View Post
I didn't do it. They did.
I hope you can always be mindful that your trauma wasn’t your fault. You were a victim and have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of. They do!

I hope your quote above can become a mantra of sorts that you can use when reliving that trauma. That would also make a cool tattoo so your words will always stay in the front of your mind.

I’m so sorry that happened to you!
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  #3125  
Old 09-13-19, 08:09 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Originally Posted by tudorose View Post
Since March I've been dealing with recovered memories of child sexual abuse. I've hardly spoken to my kids for 6 months. I don't know where my year has gone. It's so hard having to remember and re-live it all. I've spent a lot of that time just trying to make sure I stay alive. I've been fighting the biggest fight of my life.

I'm working through it with a therapist and had a lot of time off work. Thankfully I still have a job. I swing between grief, rage and feeling numb. A lot of the last month I've felt like I've been trapped behind a veil of glass unable to connect with anyone.

Tonight I feel panic. That's not so bad. Better than feeling suicidal and I need to make sure I don't get overwhelmed and shut down. When that happens it's really hard for my husband. Actually the whole thing is hard for him.

I've been so paranoid about anyone finding out. I can't deal with the rest of the family who I am no contact with.

I'm gutted that this happened to me. It explains so much about how I am. Every psych has asked me if I had been sexually abused and I always said no. I had blocked it out so well. It wasn't until I moved house and felt safe for the first time that it started to surface.

I have so much to fix. It feels very overwhelming. A lot of things I thought was adhd is because of PTSD. I disassociate which could be considered spacing out. I get paranoid a lot which can present like hyperactivity. I don't know if the trauma has caused the adhd. That's a big call for me because I've always said on here that adhd is 100% hereditary.

This is probably a bit disjointed. My cognitive abilities have taken a hit of late. I've been wanting to write something or at least reach out on here for so long but I was just too scared.

This whole process I've learned what bravery is. I just want all this to be over so I can have a life again. Trauma processing is hard. I didn't know how much one could actually cry. I just know that I don't want to feel the shame any more. I didn't do it. They did.
This is a very hard thing to deal with, and you are very brave in doing so.

I didn't bury my sexual abuse, I just got on with my life ... until my daughter
was having her birthday and was the same age I was when it happened.

I went to a psychologist who told me that brother-sister sexual experimenting
is "normal." About 2 blocks from his office I had to stop the car and be sick.

It took months before I was able to reach out for help again. I found a support
group for victims of sexual abuse and rape. That was very helpful.

I was young and totally naive. I did nothing wrong. I have nothing to be
ashamed of. And neither do you.

As far as the adhd, my brother found some of my grade cards when he was
salvaging things from our childhood home that was destroyed by a tornado.
The early cards from before the abuse have remarks on them from the teachers
that clearly indicate adhd traits.

Trauma can absolutely mimic adhd symptoms. I'd say don't sweat that part of
it right now. Take care of what you can, and keep going one day at a time.
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  #3126  
Old 09-14-19, 12:18 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Thanks Lunacie. I hope I have remembered all I need to now. I can't take much more. I've spent most of this year trying not to kill myself. And most of this year is gone by and I don't know where it went. I have so many relationships to rebuild and rebuild myself too. Looking into the box is scary coz you feel like you'll never see the light of day again. Lately I've been feeling like I'm sinking into a big black hole and it's scary. The disassociation gets so bad sometimes that I can't drive the car. Early days yet I guess. I am tired.

There has been a study done that links child sex abuse o fibromyalgia. I would post a link but I'm not sure how to post links on here without breaking the rules.
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  #3127  
Old 09-14-19, 12:33 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Quote:
Originally Posted by tudorose View Post
I would post a link but I'm not sure how to post links on here without breaking the rules.
Mod note: A link to an article without ads or big links to buy stuff/services, on a site without forums, is generally OK. Articles from many non-profit organizations, major media sources, and government websites fall into this category. If the link is from a site that's prominently advertising products and/or services (books, therapy or coaching consultations, diet plans, supplements, etc.), it's not allowed, but you can post selected quotes, or you can paste the address into the box here and then post the "print-friendly" link instead.


Non-mod note: I'm sorry you're having to (re-)deal with all of this, and I hope that you will emerge from the other side stronger.

Last edited by namazu; 09-14-19 at 01:00 AM..
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  #3128  
Old 09-14-19, 04:45 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Originally Posted by tudorose View Post
Thanks Lunacie. I hope I have remembered all I need to now. I can't take much more. I've spent most of this year trying not to kill myself. And most of this year is gone by and I don't know where it went. I have so many relationships to rebuild and rebuild myself too. Looking into the box is scary coz you feel like you'll never see the light of day again. Lately I've been feeling like I'm sinking into a big black hole and it's scary. The disassociation gets so bad sometimes that I can't drive the car. Early days yet I guess. I am tired.

There has been a study done that links child sex abuse o fibromyalgia. I would post a link but I'm not sure how to post links on here without breaking the rules.
I am so sorry you had that abuse done to you, tudo, I hope you start to feel better soon
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Old 09-15-19, 08:41 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

When you're worrying that you're worrying again about someone worrying that you're still worrying what they think

It's so confusing that it actually makes it easy to let it go... lol
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Old 09-17-19, 09:40 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Why you try to wipe your glasses with your shirt and it only makes it worse
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  #3131  
Old 09-17-19, 12:39 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Why can't my head just explode and get it over with. I'm not actually crying,
but am sitting here with tears running down because it hurts so bad ... again.

I do have an appointment to see a neurologist in October. Not sure whether
the recommendation will be to try even more meds, or botox, or injections.
Just trying to hold on to hope that after 50 years of pain something will help.
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Old 09-20-19, 10:01 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Why you try to wipe your glasses with your shirt and it only makes it worse
I have lens cleaner and a cloth Somewhere in my bag but never accessible when i need them and my shirt or scarf never work.
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Old 09-21-19, 08:01 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Took my daughter and her boyfriend out for birthday dinner, hers is today, his
was Thurs. Bunch of old ladies sitting next to us, no hint of perfume. Yay.

Bunch of young guys was seated beyond the old ladies and they reeked! Axe
or something probably. Took my Benedryl, hope I won't need the ER and a
steroid shot as well. It's like a mine field out there for me.
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  #3134  
Old 09-22-19, 09:44 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

I just have the urge to say this to someone who blocked me on facebook:

You block me and can't say "it's okay, no hard feelings"? Well let me tell you something! No hard feelings!! HA! I can do something you can't do!

I refuse to have hard feelings about someone refusing to reassure me that they don't have hard feelings.
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Old 09-23-19, 07:49 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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I just have the urge to say this to someone who blocked me on facebook:

You block me and can't say "it's okay, no hard feelings"? Well let me tell you something! No hard feelings!! HA! I can do something you can't do!

I refuse to have hard feelings about someone refusing to reassure me that they don't have hard feelings.
Facebook sucks. I think I've blocked more people than I have friends
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