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Old 07-06-12, 01:15 AM
Herhant257 Herhant257 is offline

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I want to seek help for my social anxiety & depressionbut I have adhd. Advice please?

I realize this may be long, but I think itís important to my situation, as the END (where I am now in life) DOES NOT seem possible.

Start Background --------------
So I am the oldest of two boys (my younger brother is 2 years younger) to two alcoholic parents. Mother and father had bad divorce, father was jailed for drugs, mother was obviously on cocaine and other drugs while carrying me (she had me when she was 23).

I was diagnosed as a child with ADD, but my mother refused to have me treated.
My mother and father were both socially avoidant. Neither ever had friends I knew about after they had us. My mother forced that on me and constantly forced me to not have contact with any body from my school. He would not let me have friends and made it seem bad.

Every summer, after my father got sober, my mother sent me and my bro to stay with him for the entire summer. He couldn't take care of us, so he took my little brother to work, and left me home. So for ENTIRE summers, instead of doing what a normal child did, I sat in a trailer alone. I ate nothing but potato chips and drank soda. Needless to say I got fat.

That, got me teased in school.

One day, my mothers boyfriend got drunk and started hitting me. I ran down the street, called my father, he called my grandmohter, she called the cops. Cop picked me up and took me home. My mother lied to the cop and said I hit her boyfriend, so that he wouldn't go to jail for beating up a child. Note, I told the cop before he picked me up what happened. Cop told me, "I believe what you said is the truth and I realize this sucks for you, but I have to arrest you because you mother said you hit him".

So I was 14 years old, no friends, living with two alcoholics, constantly bullied in school, not allowed to date or anything, having NOTING resembelent of a real childhood, and every summer, sent to my fathers to sit in a trailer for months straight. Literally, I would not leave the trailer for months, and on top of that, I was just arrested for getting beat up. Why? Because my mother lied to the cop.

Anyway, the judge decided to send me to live with my father full time. When he picked me up, he told me ďI donít have the means to take care of you, I may need to give you up to an orphanageĒ. I was 14 years old, being separated from my little brother (who is 2 years younger than me), the only person around my age that I was allowed to communicate with, and my father told me I canít live with him.

He did let me stay. I slept on his floor for around 2 years. I had to enroll myself in highschool. I walked to highschool every day.
My mother and her boyfriend got sober after I was removed from her custody. My father got sober as well. After a couple years, my fathers business became successful. He tried to provide for me.

By that time, I was socially inept. I couldnít relate to any of my peers. I entered highschool starting my sophomore year so all the cliques were formed.
I managed to get one girlfriend. She cheated on me with her ex boyfriend.I was still fat around that time.
I was around 16 years old at that time. I was fat. I couldnít communicate or connect with my peers. I didnít know how to take care of myself. Nobody in my family taught me how to wash myself. Shave, do anything. I was not ďraisedĒ.
So from 16-17 years old, I was pretty depressed. I made a few friends who dropped out of highschool. They got heavy into drugs so I cut ties. So, around the age of 17, I had no friends, nothing. But I was starting to figure out how to LIVE on my own. How to DEAL with my own issues myself. I got a job and started going to the gym. I would go to school, and just go to class. During cafeteria, I would hide in the bathroom to avoid being around other people (basically because I was afraid to sit alone). (defense mechanism developed there).
I ended up getting fit. Graduated highschool around 190 lbs. I was fit and strong. I got into college and started there.
Things were ok and I made a few friends at the start but it wasnít because of me. The guys who befriended me, did so by pressuring me to do things with them. Basically, they didnít let me say no. I also met a girl and dated her, but that fell through, because I was not socially experienced and I said things that made her upset.
I showed CLASSIC socially avoidant symptoms.
After two years there, I transferred to a different 4 year university. At that new school, I stopped working out. In the period of one year, I gained a lot of weight. Got up to around 240lbs. So, basically my last two years of college, I had no friends, didnít talk to ANYBODY (literally I would go WEEKS without opening my mouth to say a word). I just went to class went home and watched tv. I lived alone. I didnít meet any girls.
When my senior year came around, I was having bad chest pains. I saw my doctor and she told me to lose the weight. So I started going to the gym again.
By this time, I actually learned how to hide my social problems from those around me. I became skilled at making others think I am fine.
I went to school, and excelled in class. I ended up graduating with two bachelors degrees (biology and psychology) and was accepted to a PhD program.
When I started at the new school for my PhD, I met three people. Two girls (they turned out to turn on me. I wasnít socially experienced, so I said stupid things and they made fun of me behind my back). I also met one other guy who I connected with. He was really social and outgoing and knew about my issues (not the background, just that I was shy). He seemed tolerant. However, he ended up quitting the program because he didnít want a phd. So, 4-5 months into my first year in the PhD program, I was again alone.
It was around that time, that I saw a school psychologist and had IQ tests done. Turns out, my IQ is around 130. My working memory and attention spans are very low (in the 70ís on the same standard scale (100 being average)). I was prescribed Adderall by my psychiatrist. I started seeing a psychologist about my shyness and inability to make friends.
I just finished my PhD program and I start medical school soon.
And that ends the background.-------------
On the surface, nobody knows how ****** up a past I have. My mother feels she did nothing wrong. Her boyfriend actually turned himself in, persay and admitted they both lied and I did not hit him. So that was expunged from my record. I can hide my shyness when I MUST (like in interviews). But it is VERY hard for me. I avoid all social situations. I canít make friends. I canít meet a woman.
BTW, I ended up losing the weight. I am now 160lbs. I am a 5í8Ē 25 year old male. A lot of people have told me I am attractive. I taught myself how to take care of myself. But I never developed socially as a child. I donít have it.

So now, I am a doctor (I have a PhD), I am starting medical school soon, I can make others around me think I am perfectly fine (not socially inept) atleast for a short period of time. Mostly by not saying anything but very few words if needed. I am attractive and fit.
I am tremendouslly unhappy. Itís not full blown depression, as I still have energy. I go to the gym every day. I just feel no joy. I experience tremendous anxiety in every social situation. Even walking around a store stresses me. I canít go to new places.
As such, I have avoided all possible vacations. I could go on and on, but basically, I want to talk to a psychiatrist about possible medication for my anxiety and maybe depression. However, I am stabilized on Adderall (20mg 2x a day). I donít want to get off of it. It wont change the why I am, as I was like this before I got on it. I was diagnosed with adhd for the second time when I was 23. I was also briefly on ambien for sleep problems.
However, I want to be normal. I am so lonely, it hurts very badly. My own little brother makes fun of me for not having friends. My father pressures me to be social. I was at my cousins wedding and I nearly lost it when the 3rd person from my family came up and told me I should mingle. My father teases me for it. My mother thinks there is nothing wrong with me. She still is very avoidant. Still has no friends and spends her days in her trailer with her boyfriend.
I donít want to be like this, but the counsoling hasnít solved the problem.
I worry that if I try to seek something for my anxiety to allow me to not fear going out and doing things in social situations, the doctor will see I am already on Adderall, and also that I appear to be functioning well. I do fear the doctor wont believe me. I just know, I need help getting past this. I am about to start medical school, and am still so afraid of going to parties with my peers, that I refuse. When I do go, itís so stressful. Even beyond the stress, I am too nervous to talk to people.
Advice? Is it possible to be treated for adhd and social anxiety at the same time. I donít know what to do. I am just so tired of being lonely. 25 year old male, who (as conceated as it sounds) is constantly getting checked out by girls around me, is a virgin. I havnít had a friend in years. Any friendship I have had, has ended. Not all because I did something stupid, but because I just didnít do social things. I am afraid.
In addition to that, I have always been this way. I fear, they will nto trust me. I mean, on the surface I seem successful. I just want to be able to say yes to going to a party and actually go there and not be afraid and nervous. I want to go to the leisure pool on campus and I am too afraid.

Advice? I am really thinking about making an appointment with a psychiatrist here and seeking something before I start medical school. I do fear, that I will end up back in this same boat after 3-4 months in and all the cliques have formed.
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Old 07-06-12, 06:31 AM
Psyche99 Psyche99 is offline
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Re: I want to seek help for my social anxiety & depressionbut I have adhd. Advice ple

F*** everyone else there opinions don't matter your going to med school your obviously a very smart guy who has a desire to do great things.
Step one, force your self to move on, "f*** it I'm going to prove everyone wrong and most importantly myself.
Step two, take action, hobbies, running, studying, vitamins omega oils, therapy, and of course medication if you choose so
Step three constantly remind your self your capable of great things and let no one stop you from proving that.

Confidence is key, whenever you have a positive though about your self don't discredit it, treasure it because it's true. I know what your going through man, just stay strong, there may not always be light at the end of the tunnel but light will always find its way in through the cracks.
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Old 07-06-12, 07:40 AM
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Vhan Vhan is offline
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Re: I want to seek help for my social anxiety & depressionbut I have adhd. Advice ple

You really need a professional.

But hey! A lot (excuse me, A LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTT) of my friends, and my friend's friends, and their friend's relationships are pretty close to being worthless before the 25 year old mark.

A lot of drama in those years. And the ones that plowed through it? Well, they all have babies now and are trying to scrape by with them while still riding the skirt of their younger dreams.

My point: You may have traded one heartache for another, so if I were you I would keep my head up. In the end I would at least know that I haven't ruined things for myself yet!

I mean, that has to be a good thing right! Your looking for an opportunity to build!
So the obvious question is how right?
Got any plans of your own so far? Any hobbies?
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