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Non-ADD Partner Support This is a support forum for non-ADD partners, spouses, and significant others offering feedback from both the ADD and non-ADD perspectives

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  #16  
Old 03-26-18, 03:37 AM
Farrarch Farrarch is offline
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Re: Hyperfocus

I just read about this. We just do things for a different reason. We need to either get it done, be into what it is we are having to focus on.
And this is me, so hyper focused time slips pass me and its 4 hours later.
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  #17  
Old 03-26-18, 05:18 AM
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Re: Hyperfocus

Hyperfocus for me is never a positive because it usually means I am not focusing on anything that needs to be done, and only on that one thing-useful or not.
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  #18  
Old 03-26-18, 05:33 AM
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Re: Hyperfocus

It would be a positive if it could be "controlled".

Under hyperfocus i can either be highly creative, or i can get caught in absurd perfectionistic tendencies. It seems hard to control which way it ends up going....

And then getting out of it - unless induced by completion of a task or natural tiredness - is always troublesome. Like you would suddenly need to bring a supersonic jet fighter to a full stop... in mid air, it can only end up in a crash.
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  #19  
Old 03-26-18, 07:05 AM
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Re: Hyperfocus

But coming back to the OP...

If you are unaware that you have ADD or that your ADD makes you chase after intense or stimulating experiences in order to keep your attention switched on it has its impact on relationships.

A healthy relationship can not consistently offer the high stimulation levels that an unaware ADD'er is looking for as "self-medication".

But...

although the mechanism of hypo/hyperfocus is hard to control, even an unaware ADD'er always has a choice i believe WHERE and HOW he goes to find that so much needed missing stimulation. And your husband makes a very dangerous choice here...

In my case, once i am in a loving relationship my heart is filled with the person i care about, that room has been taken. I might miss a bit of intensity in the relationship - which is normal in a long-term relationship - but i would simply not be able to find that intensity in another person either.
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  #20  
Old 09-06-18, 01:51 PM
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Re: Hyperfocus

Yessssssss! My ADHD husband and I have had major struggles in this area. A little over a year ago, he "hyperfocused" on someone he met on social media. Our marriage has been rocky for a while, since our children were born, starting about 10 years ago, and has progressively become worse as things became more demanding at home. Without my knowledge, and with deliberate deceit on his part, he became fixated on this person he had never met because she seemed to him to be much more suited for him than I am. He created a romance in his head (she did not participate in any real way) and he spent huge amounts of time looking at pictures of her, emailing her, cooking up ways to casually turn up at places where she would be, sometimes with my children in tow. He went so far as to tell her that he was in love with her, and he also shared intimate details of our marriage and ran me down to her. He virtually stopped working during this period of "hyperfocus" on her, and essentially wrecked our finances. This all happened without my knowledge for several months. When I found out, I was crushed. I found posts and emails that were stunning to me. I never saw it coming. After I found out, he promised me repeatedly that it was over and that there would be no further contact. I would become suspicious that contact was continuing, and he would look me in the eyes and promise me that he had not been in contact with her and that he had no desire to contact her. I would follow my gut, look into it, and find ongoing contact, which would start a huge fight, protestations that there was nothing wrong with what he was doing, that it was not an affair of any kind, and he should be free to talk with someone outside the marriage as long as he wasn't trying to cheat.

After a heart-wrenching year of dealing with this situation, he did cool on her, and I had some time to heal. Now, once again, he has become focused on another female, and although it does not have the same romantic overtones, he is clearly infatuated with her and wants to talk with her through private messages, which he insists he should be allowed to do, because he is not romantically interested in her. He also waited until I went out of town and met her for drinks, which he had every intent of hiding from me, until I discovered it on my own. His excuse: "I knew that you wouldn't want me to do it, so I didn't tell you ahead of time. It was innocent, but I knew that it would hurt you if I told you, so why tell you? It was nothing, and I should not have to feel bad about meeting a friend for a drink."

So yes, I firmly believe that people with ADHD can, and do, hyperfocus on people, and it can be very damaging when they are of the opposite sex, and are the new shiny object while you feel like the boring, long-term partner with a body that has borne three children. Furthermore, if the behavior is private or secret, and there is dishonesty involved, it is extremely destructive to a relationship. My husband refuses to see that. He is fixated on his perceived reality that I'm trying to isolate him, I don't trust him, and I don't want him to have friends. It's absolutely crazy-making and I don't have a clue as to how to deal with it.
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  #21  
Old 09-11-18, 02:10 AM
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Re: Hyperfocus

Quote:
Originally Posted by mjd2000 View Post
Yessssssss! My ADHD husband and I have had major struggles in this area. A little over a year ago, he "hyperfocused" on someone he met on social media. Our marriage has been rocky for a while, since our children were born, starting about 10 years ago, and has progressively become worse as things became more demanding at home. Without my knowledge, and with deliberate deceit on his part, he became fixated on this person he had never met because she seemed to him to be much more suited for him than I am. He created a romance in his head (she did not participate in any real way) and he spent huge amounts of time looking at pictures of her, emailing her, cooking up ways to casually turn up at places where she would be, sometimes with my children in tow. He went so far as to tell her that he was in love with her, and he also shared intimate details of our marriage and ran me down to her. He virtually stopped working during this period of "hyperfocus" on her, and essentially wrecked our finances. This all happened without my knowledge for several months. When I found out, I was crushed. I found posts and emails that were stunning to me. I never saw it coming. After I found out, he promised me repeatedly that it was over and that there would be no further contact. I would become suspicious that contact was continuing, and he would look me in the eyes and promise me that he had not been in contact with her and that he had no desire to contact her. I would follow my gut, look into it, and find ongoing contact, which would start a huge fight, protestations that there was nothing wrong with what he was doing, that it was not an affair of any kind, and he should be free to talk with someone outside the marriage as long as he wasn't trying to cheat.

After a heart-wrenching year of dealing with this situation, he did cool on her, and I had some time to heal. Now, once again, he has become focused on another female, and although it does not have the same romantic overtones, he is clearly infatuated with her and wants to talk with her through private messages, which he insists he should be allowed to do, because he is not romantically interested in her. He also waited until I went out of town and met her for drinks, which he had every intent of hiding from me, until I discovered it on my own. His excuse: "I knew that you wouldn't want me to do it, so I didn't tell you ahead of time. It was innocent, but I knew that it would hurt you if I told you, so why tell you? It was nothing, and I should not have to feel bad about meeting a friend for a drink."

So yes, I firmly believe that people with ADHD can, and do, hyperfocus on people, and it can be very damaging when they are of the opposite sex, and are the new shiny object while you feel like the boring, long-term partner with a body that has borne three children. Furthermore, if the behavior is private or secret, and there is dishonesty involved, it is extremely destructive to a relationship. My husband refuses to see that. He is fixated on his perceived reality that I'm trying to isolate him, I don't trust him, and I don't want him to have friends. It's absolutely crazy-making and I don't have a clue as to how to deal with it.
I hope you stop putting up with this.,
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  #22  
Old 09-11-18, 12:23 PM
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Re: Hyperfocus

Quote:
Originally Posted by mjd2000 View Post
Yessssssss! My ADHD husband and I have had major struggles in this area. A little over a year ago, he "hyperfocused" on someone he met on social media.
That's not an ADHD symptom. It's called having an affair.

"hyperfocus" is something along the lines of "I accidentally got lost watching lame youtube videos for four hours last night when I really should have been sleeping." It's not "I actively engaged in a months longs emotional affair with planned coverups"
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