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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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  #16  
Old 06-30-10, 05:14 AM
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Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

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Originally Posted by emma13 View Post
i would rather look at a different connection between adhd and cheating.

you can't blame that much on impulsivity unless you really jump on the first attractive person you see that day. and you are also smashed and the person fully agrees with everything. kinda hard circumstance to find. otherwise you have time to realize what's going on, and it becomes premeditate.
Excellent point

Quote:
how about this theory:
add gives you this ability to see the big picture, regardless if you accept it or not. so your brain registers that your partner is not so attractive anymore, and is looking for someone else more stimulating. the cheating is still premeditate but you already know deep inside that the current relationship is not working. but being such a chronic procrastinator and hating to deal with "crying" consequences and hating to hurt people, you can't just stand straight and admit it. voila, the vicious circle is here.

this makes a lot more sense for me than "it was an impulse and it led to x no. of hours with that person...oh 3 times a week also".

If you're really really really really shallow then maybe this theory might make sense. When you get together with a partner you generally decide to be monogomous. If you betray someone who has extended to you not only their trust but their love you're an *******. This also blames the person being cheated on for causing the problem by just not being the person you think they should be. (gee adders wouldn't know anything about how THAT feels!)


There is no excuse for betraying trust and if it's time to move on then move on, brutalizing a person emotionally because of a lack of spine just will not cut it. No way does this have anything to do with adhd symptoms. This is a rationalization not an explanation.
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  #17  
Old 06-30-10, 05:49 AM
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Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

For me loving someone in the romantic way is an all out decision. Its 100% to the exclusion of everyone else or not at all.
Its hard to live and love that way. Not only for me but for my partner as well as i expect the same kind of commitment back.

I am amazed that with this kind of attitude I actually found someone! Its taken me decades to find the right person.
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  #18  
Old 06-30-10, 07:15 AM
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Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

If ADHD is a failure to use what you know to guide your behaviour, then yes it makes sense that there would be a bias towards doing things you'd regret imo

Quote:
how about this theory:
add gives you this ability to see the big picture, regardless if you accept it or not. so your brain registers that your partner is not so attractive anymore, and is looking for someone else more stimulating. the cheating is still premeditate but you already know deep inside that the current relationship is not working. but being such a chronic procrastinator and hating to deal with "crying" consequences and hating to hurt people, you can't just stand straight and admit it. voila, the vicious circle is here.

this makes a lot more sense for me than "it was an impulse and it led to x no. of hours with that person...oh 3 times a week also".
... well the problem with it is that it's not a theory at all. It's an after the fact rationalisation of behaviour.

EDIT: Seems Ginnie beat me to it.
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  #19  
Old 06-30-10, 08:35 AM
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Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

ADHD influencing cheating, I, being a girl however one of the most self-destructive and impulsive girls, Yea....Not buying it. And I know grmonkey you stated you are not trying to excuse the cheating, I think you need to keep reading up on the subject. Yes, you are now part of the club that may get a free pass on certain things... I'm talking lost car keys but it sounds like you were a 18 year old kid who didn't know what he wanted and acting in the now. We all make huge mistakes when were teenagers, no offense teenagers on here (if teenagers are on here) I'm new, give me a break.
Also wondering.... Minimal Brain Dysfunction???? I was diagnosed 10 years ago and I haven't ever heard ADHD referred to as that. Is that what they used to call it?
Anyway children and teenagers with ADHD, stats show, are more likely to use and abuse alcohol at an early age. So I get the logic behind it.
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  #20  
Old 06-30-10, 08:51 AM
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Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

Tess- I, like others on this forum, was diagnosed over 40 years ago. I assure you that Minimal Brain Dysfunction was one of the many names given to ADHD. I believe that the shift to ADD/ADHD occurred in the last 20 or so years.

Cheating is NOT an impulsive action. I know many people who struggle with impulsivity who do not find it necessary to cheat. Generally, infidelity is an artifact of unsolved relationship issues. Excuses might include anything but the reality is that cheating is a moral issue, ADHD is not. Are you more likely to cheat because you have ADHD? I don't think so. I think that you are more likely to cheat because you have pervasive relationship issues that go unresolved for a prolonged period or because you don't assign a moral tie to sexual activity outside of your relationship.

My opinion, YMMV.
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  #21  
Old 06-30-10, 09:16 AM
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Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

is this topic about people's morality or about possible connections between adhd and infidelity? i entered in this discussion simply to discuss this possible links. not to judge and call names.

infidelity is never a black and white situation and someone who was betrayed will always judge cheaters hard, while someone who cheated will always tend to minimize the blame. it's human nature.

Archon, great point, indeed my attempt to explain some real life situations is a later rationalization of a previous behavior. i just happen to find this a more logical explanation than impulsivity. for me impulsivity lasts some seconds, minutes...usually not enough to be unfaithful. and even if all circumstances are met and it happens, it's definitely not an explanation for repeating the experience.
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  #22  
Old 06-30-10, 06:10 PM
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Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

I think we agree then. I was thinking of one time (possibly intoxicated :P) accidents, where I think other people are thinking more long term cheating. If you're talking long term cheating then I don't think that's being impulsive :P
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  #23  
Old 06-30-10, 10:47 PM
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Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

Hey ,GM
You were 19 .
I did a lot of stuff at 19 I wouldn't do now.
When I was diagnosed a little later I got to look back at that stuff with fresh eyes and a fresh perspective .
What a gift to not to beat myself up over everything like I used to .
Oh the joy!
Maybe parts of your past behavior ,or all of it ,is related to ADHD ,maybe not.That is for you to decide .
I don't think this is a morality issue at all.

peace
J.J.
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  #24  
Old 07-01-10, 01:29 AM
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Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

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Originally Posted by Juice View Post
Hey ,GM
You were 19 .
I did a lot of stuff at 19 I wouldn't do now.
When I was diagnosed a little later I got to look back at that stuff with fresh eyes and a fresh perspective .
What a gift to not to beat myself up over everything like I used to .
Oh the joy!
Maybe parts of your past behavior ,or all of it ,is related to ADHD ,maybe not.That is for you to decide .
I don't think this is a morality issue at all.

peace
J.J.

Hey Juice,

Thanks for the comforting 'it's up to me' response

Really, though, I think it is a morality issue, at least on some level. After thinking about it more and reading what everyone has had to say, I agree with the sentiment of many on here in that...

1. If it were a one-off impulsive action, perhaps it could have been influenced to some degree by the increased impulsiveness of the AD/HD mind. However, as it was an ongoing occurrence, AD/HD was likely not a significant factor in my actions. Even as a one-off, it may be that AD/HD couldn't be significant in making such a decision.

2. I could swear I had two points to make/agree on. I guess the first is enough


So yeah, I was young, my actions were those of an ******* 19 year old guy, I have learned from it, and I have grown to be the better person I am today.

Glad to see so much discussion sparked from this curiosity!
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Old 07-01-10, 03:07 AM
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Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

You decided
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Old 05-10-19, 08:01 PM
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Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

Here is the pattern.

1) Become bored in the current relationship
2)Begin infatuation with someone new
3) Impulsively pursue the other person outside the relationship while crossing boundaries and lying to yourself/partner
4) Hyperfocus on the new person. This hyperfocus makes it difficult for the ADHD partner to end the inappropriate interaction and extremely difficult to make rational decisions (is this fantasy with a coworker worth sabotaging my relationship and my integrity?) the answer might seem obvious for most but it is difficult for a person with ADHD to reach.

The only solution, for those with executive function deficits, is to limit any contact with the object of infatuation and double down on your investment to your partner. The grass is greener where you water it.

Do not make the mistake of thinking you can maintain a platonic friendship with other person. Distance yourself and avoid the tempting situations altogether.
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  #27  
Old 05-11-19, 05:39 PM
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Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

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Originally Posted by Imnapl View Post
Wow, risking gonads to prove a point; must be a guy thing.
Well, after all, the risk was small, wasn't it?
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Old 05-15-19, 03:05 PM
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Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

I dated a guy with ADHD who cheated on me and was just not honest with what he wanted. Strangely enough, after some time, we were able to talk about what happened and are friends now.

I am currently dating someone who does not have ADHD and is really up front about what he wants and there are no games. This new relationship is very steady and I am learning to enjoy it!

I think its possible that with the ADHD guy, the roller coaster ride was fun and very addictive. He was either "all in" or "not in." up and down. But it starts to get old after a while. Eventually you want to be real with someone and have a real relationship in which you can trust eachother.

Anyways my ADHD friend recently had his heart broken by a girl he really loved...Dont ask me how I ended up consoling this guy who was a real jerk to me, but during our conversation, I could tell he would have done anything for her and I believe that he would have been faithful to her. It was only then that I realized that it never was his ADHD that made him cheat and act like a jerk towards me. He just wasnt in love with me...not enough to be faithful. If not, please dont play with her heart.

Personally, I dont think ADHD makes you cheat. You just have to love someone enough to be afraid of losing them and enough to know that you Dont want anyone else. Is your girlfriend that one?

Last edited by SuperP; 05-15-19 at 03:10 PM.. Reason: typos
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  #29  
Old 05-15-19, 03:56 PM
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Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

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Originally Posted by SuperP View Post
Personally, I dont think ADHD makes you cheat. You just have to love someone enough to be afraid of losing them and enough to know that you Dont want anyone else. Is your girlfriend that one?
Mine is, yes. She has ADHD too.

I've never cheated, and I never will, and my ADHD has nothing to do with that, one way or another.

Best Wishes in your current relationship.

Cheers,
Ian
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  #30  
Old 05-15-19, 04:44 PM
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Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

Cheating is just a poor excuse so is using ADHD to justify this..
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