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Old 06-22-13, 06:54 PM
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Thumbs down ramble... depressed

last night, DH and I somehow got on the topic of our relationship... I don't even remember the conversation exactly, but whatever was said had me crying so hard I couldn't breathe.

the gist was that I'm driving a wedge between us with my "craziness" and I need to get out of home health and get a full time job that won't mentally murder me. I know he's right, but that doesn't make it easier. I am so accustomed to failing at things that the thought of a job where something more than hanging out w/ an old person and helping them clean and bathe and stuff terrifies me.

apparently also, I've lost my spunk... my ability to "grab the bull by the b*lls" and make opportunities work for us rather than being apathetic. don't know where it went... but I do miss being that way... don't know how to get it back either.

after our talk, I told him that I'd do it. I'd suck it up and put my resumes out there again and try to find something else. I guess the willingness eased some of his frustration... I don't know. the conversation died down.

I felt so useless. like I'm basically good for nothing... a roommate because we don't talk to each other about much, but we suck at conversation. he's been depressed most of his life, so when I get depressed, I generally get the response, "welcome to the club" or "now you know how I feel" ... that is *not* helping... I'd hope for some sympathy, empathy... something.

anyway, I finally gave up on the conversation when it lulled and went to shower. It calms me down, and I needed calmness right then. I didn't lock the door to the bathroom like I normally do when I'm upset... didn't care if he came in to talk to me again... I was comfortable and calming down.

he told me the conversation went a lot better than it did in his head... apparently he was so angry that he was about to spout of some nonsense that he didn't mean and would have sent me into a massive panic attack. I can only imagine what he was going to say. the fact that I was a bawling mess, however, was much better, and the fact that I was still able to carry on a normal conversation and not yell or get angry or whatever also helped his general mood.

he's decided to go with me Monday to the pdoc... he doesn't like that I see a nurse practitioner and not the psychiatrist. he's slightly annoyed that my pain-in-the-*ss nature isn't helping me get my mental health back in order... that bit annoyed me since I've annoyed everyone in town I can think of to get help... of course, nothing came of it, but I tried as hard as I could...

I don't know that this makes sense... I'm watching "Firefly" and trying to think about something I don't rightly remember but really upset me...

I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of being mildly suicidal and guilty for the thought even crossing my mind. I'm glad the appointment is Monday. I need things to be fixed again... or at least on the right track again. it's been too long.
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Old 06-23-13, 05:39 AM
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Re: ramble... depressed

Silv: didnt you recently have a miscarriage( if i have the right person)? if I am right then your hormones will be all over the place and you should be getting extra help, sympathy and understanding, not less.
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Old 06-23-13, 06:00 AM
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Re: ramble... depressed

I'm so sorry...that is all.

Sel
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Old 06-23-13, 06:09 AM
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Re: ramble... depressed

What Sarah said is true, Sil. That's not a small thing you went through and it is probably having a major impact on you still.
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Old 06-23-13, 08:33 AM
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Re: ramble... depressed

Hey I just want to say that your bf sounds like a dillhole.

Ditch him unless you enjoy having an intimate relationship with someone who knows you've just been through a very intense experience at the least, are dealing with ADHD and no one is worth crying over when they're clearly just a douchemonger themself!!!

Jus' sayin' and i'm sorry for your loss' but maybe 'letting go' and getting your life back in focus and staying focused on YOU is what would be the best thing for everyone - including your self esteem and health.

Good luck!!
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Old 06-23-13, 12:22 PM
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Re: ramble... depressed

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Silv: didnt you recently have a miscarriage( if i have the right person)? if I am right then your hormones will be all over the place and you should be getting extra help, sympathy and understanding, not less.
yeah... you have the right person. that's a whole 'nother mess. he gets the depression, he gets the semi-suicidal... he doesn't get the loss, the ache, the rest of it. he never will, truthfully... i don't expect him to. i just want him to get that i'm in mental anguish and to cut me slack.

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What Sarah said is true, Sil. That's not a small thing you went through and it is probably having a major impact on you still.
yeah... it's still insanely raw. being a zombie sounds so much better than dealing with it.

all this aside, he was out at a boys night last night and a transformer blew here. i called him and told him what happened and asked (not demanded) he come home b/c i didn't want to sit home alone in the dark. he cut the night short and came back and we took the dogs for a walk. we had a good time, and for the first time in i-don't-know-how-long- he complimented me! it's bizarre, but i was over the moon. he's crap at compliments-- that's part of his own issue, but he seems to be working on it.

i wish he'd seek help... even if it means medication. as convinced as he is (ok, we both are) that i need it, i'm as convinced he does. no clue how to get him on board with that though.

we're taking the dogs out to a state park today once i finish watching "serenity" ... just to hang and enjoy the summer weather.
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Old 06-23-13, 02:15 PM
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Re: ramble... depressed

It sounds like he gave you a blistering lecture. Was it legitimate or was he frustrated about something else?

I think you need time to heal, due to the recent miscarriage. Good call sarahsweets. I can't imagine the pain.

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Old 06-23-13, 02:34 PM
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Re: ramble... depressed

Sorry for your pain
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Old 06-23-13, 03:47 PM
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Re: ramble... depressed

Send me your résumé along with a couple of jobs you would like to go for. I'm happy to help.

And I know how that is. A bad job (or one that simply takes more than it gives) is soul sucking. I'm totally at the tail end of that and it's an awful process. It got me into therapy, a pdoc, and a pain specialist. Get out before it gets worse.

And for what it's worth: my husband does the exact same thing. He loves pointing out how I am doing things wrong yet somehow he is absolved of any constructive feedback. THIS has put a huge wedge in our relationship. He also refuses to seek any help. (Hug) PM me any time, I know what you're going through, little lady. xoxo
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Old 06-23-13, 04:36 PM
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Re: ramble... depressed

What Sarah said, Sil.

He won't get it in part because he CAN'T. Pump him full of estrogen and progesterone or what have you and then suddenly let it all drop to the floor and see how he does.

Sounds to me like he's feeling frustrated because he feels like he's carrying the full load. That can be overwhelming to someone (it is for me, sometimes).

Thing is, you likely have considerably more marketable skills than you realize and he probably sees that. Doesn't change how you feel and doesn't change what your options may be in a rural area, but you might feel better if you were working in a field that kept you engaged and made "enough" money, which is to say, enough to take the pressure off of him...

Hang in there. I'm glad that you're seeing someone.
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Old 06-23-13, 07:09 PM
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Re: ramble... depressed

Im so sorry for your loss.

Hugz
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Old 06-23-13, 08:08 PM
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Re: ramble... depressed

well... I'm tan now, with a little bit of red on my shoulders, but we had a great time. We took a picnic lunch (ok, we cheated, it was cheeseburgers, but we ate it at the park ) and then walked down to the creek where there were little tide pools and he looked for crawdads, baby catfish (so cute!), snails, frogs, and whatever else he could find. I had the dogs so I kicked off my shoes and waded into the creek (yay for me not falling!) and let them run around before giving up (and hour later) to go lay on the bank. The rocks were hot, but comfy enough.

The pups eventually found the deep part of the creek and decided to swim around and play fetch with us for a while before we went to explore the little island... like I said, we had a blast.

After, we dug all the awful grass out of the flower garden (it was BAD) and it only took us a few hours, compliments of our awesome Hispanic neighbor who lent us his hoe, and we're almost ready to plant flowers there.

Apparently, we don't get along unless we're having fun or playing... which I find weird, but he's got a point... I've let my laziness and anxiety get the better of me and haven't done much at all. With me determined to loose 50 pounds, getting out and doing is a necessity... plus I'm starting to feel a little more human. And I like getting tan

Quote:
Originally Posted by anonymouslyadd View Post
It sounds like he gave you a blistering lecture. Was it legitimate or was he frustrated about something else?

I think you need time to heal, due to the recent miscarriage. Good call sarahsweets. I can't imagine the pain.

Eh... kinda both. I mean, he has a definite point... from his perspective. From mine, he doesn't have a clue what he's talking about.

His mom came up yesterday and she and I went shopping and had a good talk. I adore her (so much more than my own mother), and I think she talked to him while I was exchanging my birthday present for a non-dented one (she bought us a deep freezer). He was a lot sweeter today, and while understanding and all, demanded we not leave the office tomorrow until I have an appt with a therapist. He's finally acting concerned...

Oddly enough, I find the concern annoying... however, I am getting better at accepting it as it's because he *does* care, even if I do drive him nutty sometimes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MellyFishButt View Post
Send me your résumé along with a couple of jobs you would like to go for. I'm happy to help.

And I know how that is. A bad job (or one that simply takes more than it gives) is soul sucking. I'm totally at the tail end of that and it's an awful process. It got me into therapy, a pdoc, and a pain specialist. Get out before it gets worse.

And for what it's worth: my husband does the exact same thing. He loves pointing out how I am doing things wrong yet somehow he is absolved of any constructive feedback. THIS has put a huge wedge in our relationship. He also refuses to seek any help. (Hug) PM me any time, I know what you're going through, little lady. xoxo
I will PM you you live where we'd wanted so badly to move. So unfair

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sandy4957 View Post
What Sarah said, Sil.

He won't get it in part because he CAN'T. Pump him full of estrogen and progesterone or what have you and then suddenly let it all drop to the floor and see how he does.

Sounds to me like he's feeling frustrated because he feels like he's carrying the full load. That can be overwhelming to someone (it is for me, sometimes).

Thing is, you likely have considerably more marketable skills than you realize and he probably sees that. Doesn't change how you feel and doesn't change what your options may be in a rural area, but you might feel better if you were working in a field that kept you engaged and made "enough" money, which is to say, enough to take the pressure off of him...

Hang in there. I'm glad that you're seeing someone.
at the marketable skills

I know I have them... I just feel so unconfident (is that a word?) in myself... some of it's self image (working on it), some of it's ADHD-related, some of it's just how I've felt my entire life. I can't even fathom how to get around that.
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Old 06-24-13, 03:42 AM
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Re: ramble... depressed

No the guy is not a "dillhole" at all!!

He sounds to me like a very frustrated person who feels he's carrying a full load (which I think another brought up too) and while I think he should certainly be more sympathetic and compassionate to Sil's plights in terms of the miscarriage and mental health issues he is also a human being who has his limits, boundaries and a breaking point like everyone else and he has the right to express his feelings just as much as Sil does and he might to some extent also be feeling the pain of this miscarriage as the unborn child was his just as much as he/she was Sil's!!

Sel x
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blanched Dubois View Post
Hey I just want to say that your bf sounds like a dillhole.

Ditch him unless you enjoy having an intimate relationship with someone who knows you've just been through a very intense experience at the least, are dealing with ADHD and no one is worth crying over when they're clearly just a douchemonger themself!!!

Jus' sayin' and i'm sorry for your loss' but maybe 'letting go' and getting your life back in focus and staying focused on YOU is what would be the best thing for everyone - including your self esteem and health.

Good luck!!
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Old 06-27-13, 01:00 AM
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Re: ramble... depressed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazygirl79 View Post
No the guy is not a "dillhole" at all!!

He sounds to me like a very frustrated person who feels he's carrying a full load (which I think another brought up too) and while I think he should certainly be more sympathetic and compassionate to Sil's plights in terms of the miscarriage and mental health issues he is also a human being who has his limits, boundaries and a breaking point like everyone else and he has the right to express his feelings just as much as Sil does and he might to some extent also be feeling the pain of this miscarriage as the unborn child was his just as much as he/she was Sil's!!

Sel x
since i've often been a dillhole careless with a fast assessment or rash impulse i have no issue calling dillhole where i see it - my old man and i would call each other on our shiz and always ended up making up fast and laughing about our dillhole behaviors at times - it often made us even closer afterward

nothing like a good disagreement to breakonthru to the next threshhold

or one person's dillhole is another's frustrated human being...i prefer dillhole,,it's just a more fun and adept description for me and i'm sorry if you feel offended by the word or my opinion of dillholes in general.
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Old 06-27-13, 04:14 AM
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Re: ramble... depressed

my wife is not adhd but has lots of experiance dealing with people who are, her mother in law, brother in law, husband of 45 years, son 38 years all have or had adhd. her advice is never ever should anybody marry a person with adhd, 2 people with adhd should never spend more than 2 minutes in the same room.
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