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Old 07-03-12, 12:39 AM
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Exclamation Do people avoid telling you bad news to avoid your reaction?!

Soooooo

My sister is apparently being proposed to on Friday.

I STRONGLY DISLIKE her boyfriend, for valid reasons.

My whole family has known for over a week, but it took me randomly calling my mom and her bringing it up.

She said no one wanted to tell me because they were afraid I would lose it, or do something to stop it.


SERIOUSLY?

Are my instant reactions to things I disagree with rather passionate? Yes. Does that mean I'm going to ruin things for my sister? NO!

They think I'm THAT crazy. I know that I'm left out of the family loop a lot because I'm opinionated and they say they are scared of my reactions. I've never actually done anything crazy or rude to anyone. My initial reactions are rather animated and passionate....but never rude or mean!


Is this common, or is my family just crazy?

Sorry, I just needed to vent!!
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Old 07-03-12, 01:10 AM
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Re: Do people avoid telling you bad news to avoid your reaction?!

From time to time my boyfriend will go to say something and then say "Never mind, I'm not going to say it, you'll get mad." The times when I actually manage to get it out of him what he was going to say, it is almost always something that I would never have thought about getting mad about. It drives me nuts. What have I ever done or said to make him think I was some hypersensitive harpie? I can only conclude that this is a problem that originated before he ever met me, with an ex, or perhaps from observing his parents' relationship? I don't know, but I'm fairly certain it didn't come from actual experience with my reactions!
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Old 07-03-12, 01:15 AM
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Re: Do people avoid telling you bad news to avoid your reaction?!

It's horrible to left out of the family and it's horrible when you are the last to know something but with all due respect something must have been said or done in the past to make your family behave like this and be put off telling you anything until it's already done and dusted like your sister getting engaged, with that said your family probably should have been more up front and honest however sometimes a person who is passionate in what they believe in or have strong reactions to things can be rather off putting to others...believe me I'm still learning that!

You probably need to sit down and talk with your family honestly, tell them how you feel and listen to how they feel and if you are at fault in someway do something to address it and the same should apply to your family too.

Selena
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Old 07-03-12, 01:17 AM
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Re: Do people avoid telling you bad news to avoid your reaction?!

LOL..I guess you have made it known how much you don't like him!

I guess they think you are unpredictable. You could be called worse.

If they had any smarts they would think to tell you FIRST. Can you imagine being in the room and being as surprised as her?? Then that would be all their fault then wouldn't it.

I don't like my brother in law either. He actually unfriended me from Facebook because another car of his broke down and he didn't want to post about it and have me ream him out. (He doesn't check the fluids in his car, change his oil, or maintain his brakes or ANYTHING, and he wonders why his cars break. Then he leaves it wherever to get towed away and buys another one with the money he doesn't have to maintain one.)

So it was a pre-emptive strike on his part. And yes, I would have told him what I thought.
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Old 07-03-12, 01:31 AM
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Re: Do people avoid telling you bad news to avoid your reaction?!

I suppose there is a way you could think of it as kind of compliment. It could be that they think of you as somebody who can't stand by and watch somebody ruin their life, whose protectiveness and sense of justice is difficult for anybody to muzzle.
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Old 07-03-12, 02:10 AM
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Re: Do people avoid telling you bad news to avoid your reaction?!

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Originally Posted by Crazygirl79 View Post
It's horrible to left out of the family and it's horrible when you are the last to know something but with all due respect something must have been said or done in the past to make your family behave like this and be put off telling you anything until it's already done and dusted like your sister getting engaged, with that said your family probably should have been more up front and honest however sometimes a person who is passionate in what they believe in or have strong reactions to things can be rather off putting to others...believe me I'm still learning that!

You probably need to sit down and talk with your family honestly, tell them how you feel and listen to how they feel and if you are at fault in someway do something to address it and the same should apply to your family too.

Selena
That couldn't possibly be it. I'm perfect.


My family is very much about walking on eggshells. I am not. I think we clash in that respect.

My family sitting down and talking about something will not happen, mostly due to geographical differences.
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Old 07-03-12, 03:38 AM
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Re: Do people avoid telling you bad news to avoid your reaction?!

The fact your family walks on eggshells is mostly their problem, they should grow a set each and stop worrying about what others including yourself think!! With that said it's great toi see that you don't spend your life walking on eggshells...it's a good feeling.

If you can't talk to them face to face how about writing them a letter or an email??

Selena
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Old 07-03-12, 06:43 AM
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Re: Do people avoid telling you bad news to avoid your reaction?!

My family has got the opposite problem. They share too much. More than I've ever wanted to know. But suddenly at random, they do at times keep some things from me because they know I'm a worrier. I get upset/angry/cry. Yeah, but mostly it doesn't stop them from sharing.

I do what your family does. I can imagine how annoying it must be. Infantilising almost. I still do it. Usually because I don't want to worry someone but at times also because I don't want to deal with their negative reaction.

Have you told them what you told us in your OP? That you want to know irrespective of your reaction and that you won't just do something irrational in the heat of the moment?
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Old 07-03-12, 07:12 AM
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Re: Do people avoid telling you bad news to avoid your reaction?!

Sometimes we have to keep things from people due to unwanted stress or drama from the reactions we may get from other people, like for example my partner keeping the fact he got another phone on a contract from his parents because he doesn't want to be nagged and lectured about it, lets face it nobody wants to put up with negative reactions, drama, nagging, lectures, irrational behaviour or even abuse from people for a decision they've made especially on issues that either don't concern the person whose reacting or issues that don't personally or directly affect the life of the person who is reacting.

Like I said before and CheekyMonkey may not like it, something must have been said or done in the past for her family to feel that they have to do this however I'm also sure that CheekyMonkey wouldn't act irrationally everytime she's told something she doesn't like or agree with and her family's decision to keep things from her may be understandable but over the top at the same time and Fuzzy12 asked a really good question in regards to Cheeky actually telling her family what she's told us here but as I've also said before I think talking to them is important as well, finding out why they do this is quiet important as is coming up with a strategy to stop this from happening again because a good flow of communication is needed in order for family relationships to stay good. Keeping things from people isn't helpful in the long run.

Selena
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Old 07-03-12, 09:52 AM
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Re: Do people avoid telling you bad news to avoid your reaction?!

I used to get that a lot. It hurt but I could see their point. NTs don't see the difference between a passionate response and going crazy. A passionate response is crazy to them.

I've been working on toning down my reactions to things, the results are kinda meh. When I manage to keep a lid on it, the return response from people is way better though.
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Old 07-03-12, 12:05 PM
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Re: Do people avoid telling you bad news to avoid your reaction?!

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Originally Posted by RedHairedWitch View Post
I used to get that a lot. It hurt but I could see their point. NTs don't see the difference between a passionate response and going crazy. A passionate response is crazy to them.

I've been working on toning down my reactions to things, the results are kinda meh. When I manage to keep a lid on it, the return response from people is way better though.
If I start doing that, they'll think I've been body-snatched.
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Old 07-03-12, 12:13 PM
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Re: Do people avoid telling you bad news to avoid your reaction?!

People usually tell me things on a "have to" basis because f**k off is usually my answer,
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Old 07-03-12, 01:11 PM
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Re: Do people avoid telling you bad news to avoid your reaction?!

Sometimes I'll avoid bringing something up to my ADHD husband because I suspect he'll react passionately about it. There's nothing wrong with being passionate about something, of course, but sometimes it can feel very overwhelming to be on the receiving end and I just don't have the energy to deal with it.

For example, he tends to be very passionate, to the negative, about politics and sometimes I'll avoid bringing up a political issue because hearing boatloads of negative criticism (against politicians, not me) presented in a loud, angry-sounding way is just too much. It saps my energy and sometimes turns me from feeling positive to feeling negative.

Interestingly, giving such a passionate speech energizes him and makes him feel good. It makes me feel a bit run over. I do appreciate his passion though and I don't always find it overwhelming.
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Old 07-03-12, 03:12 PM
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Re: Do people avoid telling you bad news to avoid your reaction?!

No. Nope. Not at all.

They usually "line up" to dump bad news on me, like it's their sacred duty

to harsh my day.

I just try and live in the moment, and recognize it's beyond my control.

(Except for going to Dairy Queen when it's 90 degrees out, like today).

tc

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Old 07-03-12, 05:50 PM
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Re: Do people avoid telling you bad news to avoid your reaction?!

I have Aspergers and ADHD as does my partner and I can see what you're talking about and that was the point I was trying to make in my last two posts, the other point I want to make is that some ADDer's and/or Aspies don't always tell people things either due to the reactions we might get from NT's or other ADDer's and/or Aspies.

I must say that I am very passionate about things as well and sometimes it is off putting to others and Mum usually copped the brunt of it and got sick of it so I do what I can to manage that behaviour and a level of behavioural management is required in certain situations in order not to have something like this happen though I also had to keep things from my mother and other people because I didn't want to deal with their reaction which in my mothers case is usually over the top bordering on judgemental or abusive, I also kept a lot from my ex partner for the same reasons.

Passion is good in so many ways and it's not always negative but I am aware there are times where it needs to be contained because it may not be appropriate for a particular situation, not only that I do what I can to avoid overwhelming others which can be hard at times.

I can see both side of the coin so to speak...

Selena
Quote:
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Sometimes I'll avoid bringing something up to my ADHD husband because I suspect he'll react passionately about it. There's nothing wrong with being passionate about something, of course, but sometimes it can feel very overwhelming to be on the receiving end and I just don't have the energy to deal with it.

For example, he tends to be very passionate, to the negative, about politics and sometimes I'll avoid bringing up a political issue because hearing boatloads of negative criticism (against politicians, not me) presented in a loud, angry-sounding way is just too much. It saps my energy and sometimes turns me from feeling positive to feeling negative.

Interestingly, giving such a passionate speech energizes him and makes him feel good. It makes me feel a bit run over. I do appreciate his passion though and I don't always find it overwhelming.
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